


Be careful what you wish for

by Viplaja



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Mating, Alpha Castiel, Alpha Dean, Alpha turned into Omega, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Hate to Love, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Torture, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Knotting, Love/Hate, M/M, Mating, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Dean, Plot Twists, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Castiel, Revenge, Self-Worth Issues, Tags May Change, True Mates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2018-02-27 21:47:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 149,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2707916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viplaja/pseuds/Viplaja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was not supposed to happen. Just as Dean had everything he could wish for, he gets unexpected alpha roommate, some rich spoiled kid called Castiel Novak. Thanks to their rough start and mutual dislike, they do everything in their power to get rid off each other. Until one of them eventually goes too far and makes deal with Crowley to break other alpha once and for all. Realizing his mistake, Castiel tries to do his best to make it undone, but damage is already made. As Dean Winchester's life crumbles to pieces around him, Castiel will make every effort to save him, or if necessary fall down with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet your roommate

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction ever, actually it is my first story ever. I'm sorry if this is little weird and awkward, since English isn't my mother tongue - it isn't even second langue in my country, but it should be readable, if anyone is interested.

Dean was pissed. It had been pretty cool party, until some asshole decided it would be brilliant idea to spray him with omega heat scent as hilarious prank, leaving him soaked with sweet smelling aroma which made his nose ticklish. Not to mention it was total turn off, he didn’t feel any desire to continue flirting with the hot read head anymore. So he decided it was time to call it the night and head back to his dormitory to take generous hot shower to get rid of this annoying scent, before all the damn drunk alphas at the party would try to jump him.

 Not that they ever could manage to get this far with him. He was the strongest alpha in the campus, the one who had never lost the fight in his life since he turned 14 and beat his father in combat. Dean was not even considered to be just an alpha. He was one of those rare ones who were so impressive and powerful that society tended to often refer to them as “Alpha- alphas”, since they rarely lost the fight at all, and if they did it was only while they were fighting another one like themselves. No ordinary alpha could have beaten him like that, hell he had even fought with dozen at the same time and still came out as a winner. So he didn’t need to worry about getting assaulted by bunch of horny drunk alphas who would mistake him as damn omega in heat.

Just because he wasn’t in any danger to get raped didn’t mean he wasn’t pissed. Far from that - it was the worst insult to his alpha pride which someone had managed to make in years. It made him smell like an _omega_. A _male omega_ in fact - the one thing his father had thought him to despise as long as he could remember.

The female ones were fine they were respected by all and made beautiful mates to create families with. There was no shame to be one or mate one. But to be a male omega - it would be the lowest a person could end up being. Sure their smell was stronger and far more intoxicating than female ones as they tried to lure some knot headed alphas to claim them as their own. And unfortunately not all alphas were strong enough to resist that pull. As if any respectable alpha would ever do it without being scent drunk and out of his fucking mind. Only pathetic and spineless ones would ever court male omega willingly.

 Few decades ago they had been disowned by their families and sold to brothels the very moment they presented or were sold to highest bidder. They were considered to be amazing fuck toys, basically every alphas wet dreams. Good to play with and toss aside. Not that they minded it – they were just weak excuse of men who only lived for a thick alpha knot to fill their hole. True man would never submit to another like a whining whore.

 Or at least it had been like that until few decades ago Omega Right Activists had managed to win an important case and granted the male omegas same rights as female ones. Now it was     (theoretically) acceptable to claim them as mates and date them. It was no longer allowed to sell them off or disown them for their second gender. Most treated them now with obviously reluctant fake tolerance or ignored them, but there were also some New Age thinking folks that immediately made it “cool trend” to mate them and accept them with open arms. It still enraged his father to no end and he had made sure that at least his sons would never go near them, not to mention _date_ one. Since he was old enough to know about second genders John had made very clear that Dean would know better than ever befriend such weak creature.

It had been hard when he presented as alpha, worsened by his extraordinary good sense of smell, which was more sensitive than any normal alphas. At first every damn omega had managed to give him boner and it was hard to control his freshly awakened alpha side, to not knot everything that moves. It was even worse with male omegas, since their scent was far more alluring and intoxicating, giving him rigid hard-on every time he passed by, as he tried to suppress his every damned instinct which screamed in his head to knot the bitch.

Only the knowledge what his father would do to him was enough to fight against his nature and learn how to stay immune to their scent. It had taken him years to overcome their hellish scent trap, so he would not lose his mind near them.

So if that douche bag Gabriel Novak had thought it would be great idea to make him smell like bitch in front of everyone, it had taken every bit of his self-control not to punch the asshole to the next week. And he would have gladly let himself to have his sweet revenge for such impudence if he hadn’t known the most likely aftermath. Everything about asshole room screamed of money as well as his last name. Novak clan was one of the richest and most powerful families in the US, and only fool would cross them without second thought. Beating their precious little beta could not have boded well for Dean. So he swallowed the insult and decided to leave, since unfortunately his family was not made of money and he had no doubt that this could end in court or he would be expelled.

 He had only gotten to college thanks to his full ride scholarship for sports and his reputation as “Alpha- alpha”, which was basically synonym for star athlete.  Otherwise his family could never afford to send him to elite college Gnosis, which offered best education for pretty much every specialty.

 So here he was, studying mechanical engineering at his sophomore year and owning the coolest apartment on campus. The last one had been lottery jackpot. Every year the alphas who wanted could fight for the apartment (more like suite), and the winner could claim the best living quarters in whole campus for himself/herself for a year. At Gnosis it was luxurious three roomed suite with two bathrooms (with best water pressure ever) and private kitchen. It was bigger than their family’s house, and had everything he could dream off.

Dean couldn’t believe his luck when he had told about this opportunity. Since the alpha- alphas were rare (1 in 50 000) it had been almost effortless to beat the other alphas and claim it for himself. And he rarely had to prove his strength to rival alphas anymore, who challenged his right this year. All the others were given ordinary rooms which they had to share with their appointed roommate, which could have been hard thanks to their alpha instinct to “claim their territory” and now they were forced to share room.

So it would be understatement to say he was stunned, when he opened his door only to find another dude already inside with unpacked luggage still in the lobby.

“Who the fuck are you?”  Dean exclaimed at the same time as another guy lifted his wide surprised azure blue eyes at him.

For a moment Dean was breathless. Dean knew he was staring but he couldn’t help it. Another guy was definitely the most beautiful person he had ever met (which was weird to admit since Dean was not into the dudes.) The boy had wild dark “I-just-had-sex hair”, with the bluest eyes he had ever seen not to mention his full plump lips. He was slightly shorter than him, but his lean body seemed to hide strongmuscles underneath his undoubtedly expensive clothes. His head was tilted in most adorable way to his side as he examined Dean in silence. To his horror Dean could feel his body responding to this unexpected Adonis he was certainly NOT attracted to. No way was he into the guy like _that_. If only someone hadn’t forgotten to mention this to his dick as well. Only then did he realize that the guy was practically leaking of strong alpha musk, which undoubtedly made all the omegas pine after him after the very first whiff.

Other guy was quicker to gather himself for their unexpected encounter and offered him his hand for greeting. ”Oh, I am sorry. I forgot my manners for a moment. I am Castiel Novak. I assume you are my roommate’s sibling or boyfriend? “

God that deep rough voice, it was basically liquid orgasm. It took Dean another moment to gather what exactly Castiel had told him. His roommates mate? He didn’t have a roommate, not to mention _boyfriend_. He didn’t date dudes, what the heck was this guy talking about?

“Excuse you?” Well, not the best comeback, but in his defense he was still stunned buy strange guy in his apartment.

“Well, it is alpha dormitory obviously. And since you got a key it was pretty easy to assume that you visit this room a lot. So you are my new roommate’s boyfriend or sibling? Or are you lost, I would accompany you to the Omega dormitory if you would like. It might not be safe to be all by yourself, smelling as wonderful as you do, especially with your looks.”

Was this guy serious? What the hell was he talking about? Why would he want or NEED accompany to omega dorm? And what did he mean by his sme… “What you think I am an _omega?_ An easy male bitch desperate for alphas knot?” Dean hissed at him.

For a moment the guy seemed almost angry, which was soon replaced with utter confusion and sadness in his deep voice, “Why would you be so hard on yourself? Being an omega isn’t something anyone should be ashamed of. Why would you use such vile world to describe your gender? I merely wanted to be sure you would make it safely to your room without being harmed on your way. I didn’t mean to show you any disrespect regarding to your secondary gender as if you are worth anything less than myself.” The guy looked so apologetic as he tried to find right words to calm him and offered him brilliant 400w smile. As he already didn’t disrespect him enough implying that he was someone’s bitch.

So this guy came into his apartment, claimed to be his roommate, and called him bitch? Sure he smelled like omega at the moment thanks to Gabriel Nova- wait a minute, “You are sibling of Gabriel Novak?” It was miracle he could get the words out without biting his tongue off at the mention of that asshat.

Castiel seemed even more astonished, “You know him? He is my older brother. Did he send you? Did something happen? I thought he was hosting party in his room. Did he manage to get into trouble again? Damn, it is only his first day in his collage, can’t he be normal for just a day. “He took in Dean’s appearance for a moment. “Were you at the party? Could you please inform me of what happened?”

Dean took a step closer so he was only inches of his face and growled, “You want to know what the hell happened? It seems that your dick of brother thought it was funny to soak others in the fake omega scent so that they would have to endure the evening smelling like knot magnets, so every damn alpha in the room would try to assault them! I do not enjoy fighting drunken horny alphas off, nor do I take this kind of insult lightly when someone calls me bitch. “He took great pleasure to see pure horror on Castiel’s face has he continued to yell at him. “ Do I look like a pathetic bitch in the heat do you? I am Dean Winchester, Aquarius and alpha currently living in this room. Mind to tell me what the hell are you doing here? And more importantly – GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!”


	2. Not what I expected

Castiel was intending to spend a quiet evening in his given room and unpack his belongings as he nervously waited for his new roommate to arrive.  He hoped they could get along well and his new companion wouldn’t find him too weird, as so many did. He was little bit worried how he could get along with his new roommate as his people skills were rusty at best. The apartment was pretty fine. Of course it wasn’t nearly as good as his room back home, but it was clean and seemed comfortable enough. He had been expecting far worse, but his new directress had personally shown him his new room and explained to him that usually this room was meant for only one alpha- strongest one in school as some extra privilege. Castiel didn’t see anything that special in this room, but kept it to himself. He knew he was probably just spoiled kid, as he came from rather wealthy family. It would be his first experience with more normal surroundings, his luxurious home was hardly normal by society’s standards. He didn’t mind sharing his room – another thing he had to yet to get accustomed to, since he never had to share before. He got private bedroom with king size bed and that was good enough for him. He didn’t mind sharing living areas with his roommate as long as he respected his private stuff.

What if his new roommate would think of him? He had arrived a week late, since he had been travelling with his parents in Europe and hadn’t made it back in time. Directress Naomi had been kind enough to ignore this and personally helped him with everything he needed to know about his new school.  He had been fine with his old one, but since they moved to another city it was easier to him to just transfer here. It was excellent school and anyway he preferred to be closer to his little sister Anna, who started her freshman year, so he could look after her. His brother Gabriel had also decided to join them, according to him so he could make sure that they wouldn’t get in any trouble, but Castiel was convinced it was more likely other way around.

He had dragged most of his suitcases to the unoccupied room, and went to get the few others still in the hall, as the door opened and most gorgeous omega he had ever seen, entered the room demanding to know who he was. He had stunning green eyes, face covered with freckles and the most delicate lips anyone could hope for. It seemed the man before him was made to be an omega. Everything about him was just downright beautiful. Though he was little tall and bulky for omega it strangely only added to his beauty – and those bowlegs were surely meant to be wrapped around his mate’s body. And his voice had been mostfascinating sound he had ever heard.

 Right – around to _his mate_ , not you, he added bitterly in his mind. He was completely taken aback how much he instantly wanted this omega for himself usually he wasn’t very possessive alpha and prided himself for it. But this time he felt drawn to the stunning man in front of him like he never had before. He had to physically restrain himself for scenting him right then and there. His alpha wanted nothing more than claim beautiful man immediately as his own. He had to control himself, omegas were precious and something to take care for, not piece of meat to possess, and he wanted treat them as well as he could.

He swallowed bile in his mouth. No way could someone as pretty as this omega, still unclaimed, or at least without an alpha boyfriend – no beta could get their hands on such gorgeous omega without fighting every damn alpha in their way. The alpha inside him roared as he had to suppress the urge to find the other alpha and fight him until he could prove to this amazing creature that he would be stronger and better alpha for him.

 He had never lost a fight in his life ever since he presented. Under his protection he wouldn’t have to look so tired or alone. He had enough money to provide for his mate so he wouldn’t have to work unless he wanted to. Castiel would make sure that he could get anything he wanted as long as it was in his power to provide it. He would never have to look this tired again. He wanted nothing more than to swipe the tiredness off the omegas face and take him into his arms so he could protect him from the world around them.

 Who the hell let him came alone? Smelling like that he could have been assaulted! He must have really bad alpha if he was left alone in the dark. Castiel would take much better care for him. He would always make sure that his omega would be safe and loved.

But unfortunately the dazzling omega wasn’t his. At that sobering thought he made easiest conclusion: the omega had key so was most likely his roommate’s boyfriend or sibling. He hoped he was sibling not mate. Perhaps he could see him often and court him. He felt his heart flutter in his chest at that hopeful thought. And if he was his roommate’s mate then he must tolerate his roommate making out with him? That will not do. He didn’t mind sharing his living quarters with his roommate, that wouldn’t be problem. But he doubted he could stand seeing _this_ omega with anyone else, especially not in front of him. His alpha had never wanted anything so badly as he wanted him. And if his roommate was his boyfriend he was not good enough alpha for him, as this wonderful omega was alone and clearly not sober. He could have easily been assaulted by alphas in this dorm.

It took him far too long to answer to the omegas first demand. Right who he was then? For a moment he was so blinded by omega, that it wasn’t very easy question. It took too much effort to remember his own name. Finally he found his voice and offered him his hand as he introduced himself and apologized for his poor manners,”Oh, I am sorry. I forgot my manners for a moment. I am Castiel Novak. I assume you are my roommate’s sibling or boyfriend? “

Silently he prayed for the former. But instead omega looked bewildered for a moment and didn’t give him the answer he had been hoping for.

“ Excuse, you?”

What had he done wrong? Wasn’t this evident? He was omega, this couldn’t be his room, so he had to be visiting or lost. Perhaps he should be clearer this time.

 “Well, it is alpha dormitory obviously. And since you got a key it was pretty easy to assume that you visit this room a lot. So you are my new roommate’s boyfriend or sibling? Or are you lost, I would accompany you to the Omega dormitory if you would like. It might not be safe to be all by yourself, smelling as wonderful as you do, especially with your looks.”

He had tried to be as polite  and friendly as he could. There was no good way to hint at his scent and little intoxicated condition without possibly scaring the omega – he was in alpha’s dormitory. He didn’t want to make the omega unnecessarily uncomfortable or afraid. He was safe with him as Castiel would never let anything harm him. He just needed to make sure the omega would make it to his room safely.

Apparently he had failed as the beautiful face twisted in rage.

“What you think I am an _omega?_ An easy male bitch desperate for alphas knot?” The words were hissed at him.

 It had not been an answer to his question either. How was he supposed to reply? That he wasn’t desperate for alphas knot? He never thought he was. That he was “easy”? – It was clear that he wasn’t. He was very bold for an omega. Castiel had no doubt the omega would stand up for himself if needed. He wasn’t one of those closed-minded alphas who treated male omegas as bitches. He loathed that there still were people around who thought they were nothing more than fuck toys, desperate for alphas knot. Panic and pain rushed through him if he thought about it. Had the omega been assaulted and insulted often, or even worsetreated as one? Was he really so badly treated that he believed he was worthless? The thought pained him. How could something so wonderful be seen little better as trash? Desperate to be understood he tried again.

“Why would you be so hard on yourself? Being an omega isn’t something anyone should be ashamed of. Why would you use such vile world to describe your gender? I merely wanted to be sure you would make it safely to your room without being harmed on your way. I didn’t mean to show you any disrespect regarding to your secondary gender as if you are worth anything less than myself.”

He smiled to him and hoped omega would see, that it was okay to be one. That he didn’t think he was beneath him in any way just because Castiel was alpha and he was omega.

Castiel was getting tired of failing and unfortunately it seemed to be his special ability this evening. The Omega looked even more irritated than before until he suddenly seemed to realize something he didn’t before.

“You are sibling of Gabriel Novak?”

The words were forced out with visible disdain and Castiel had to hold back groan. Of course Gabriel had managed to already piss off this amazing omega. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since they arrived! Had he truly marked their family name so it would earn such displeasure from omega?  And he had been hoping to impress him and befriend him, given the change even court him. He should have been proud to call himself Novak without a shame, but it didn’t seem to help when his brother seemingly made it his life purpose to taint it with his troublesome nature. What had his irritating brother done this time? Omega was clearly mad at him so it must have been pretty bad.

“You know him? He is my older brother. Did he send you? Did something happen? I thought he was hosting party in his room. Did he manage to get into trouble again? Damn, it is only his first day in his collage, can’t he be normal for just a day. “

He gave omega once over - yes he could have very easily been at the party.

“Were you at the party? Could you please inform me of what happened?” He could only pray it wouldn’t be too bad. Like so awful the omega would never want to see any Novaks again in his life. Knowing Gabe it could very easily been so, something so dreadful and repelling that it would push the omega away permanently.

He was stunned when omega closed the distance between them, so that only few inches separated their faces. He wasn’t surprised about the yelling part- that much was unfortunately expected, but the courage to stand up against alpha like him was more than impressive.

“You want to know what the hell happened? It seems that your dick of brother thought it was funny to soak others in the fake omega scent so that they would have to endure the evening smelling like knot magnets, so every damn alpha in the room would try to assault them! I do not enjoy fighting drunken horny alphas off, nor do I take this kind of insult lightly when someone calls me bitch. “

What? Fake omega scent? He wasn’t omega at all? He was horrified and more than little disappointed. He wasn’t an omega- he could feel how his alpha whined from loss, which was ridiculous. He felt tricked – he had been so sure he was omega. He had pleasant scent and with his looks- it never occurred to him he might not be. It was almost shame he wasn’t an omega. He was too good looking to be anything else - or should have been. It was unfair to be this handsome.

Do I look like a pathetic bitch in the heat do you? I am Dean Winchester, Aquarius and alpha currently living in this room. Mind to tell me what the hell are you doing here? And more importantly – GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!”

Off all the ways he had imagined to meet his roommate, that hadn’t been it. Before he managed to answer he was roughly pushed aside as Dean stormed past him, and slammed the bathrooms door with loud shout.

 He could feel all of his hopes to get along with his roommate crumbled down in pieces. He briefly wondered if they would have managed to get along if Gabe hadn’t pranked him. He didn’t think so. Apparently his roommate wasn’t very fond of male omegas, if he took so great offence by the mere mention of one. And Castiel had been convinced that he was one for sure, worse he had treated him like one and apparently offended him. Was he really expected to share room with such closed-minded assbutt? Had he been raised by wolves?

He sighted sadly and started to collect lest of his remaining belongings from the hall to finish unpacking. He had no idea how long he will be sharing apartment with Dean. Will Dean challenge him for this room? He hoped he would. Then he would get to teach him a lesson about such respecting male omegas. And as added bonus he might get rid of the dick roommate. He had no doubt he would win.

 


	3. The Fight

Dean made his best effort to concentrate on hot rivulets of water on the shower wall, and not to his throbbing erection between his legs. He will _not_ jerk off while thinking about piercing blue eyes and deep voice in his head. What the hell was wrong with him? He had never been this attracted to another, not to mention MALE. It would have been easier if Cas had been omega, then it would have been just a trap the bitch would have used to lure him in. But there was no denying the strong alpha musk which had practically attacked his nose. Even more disturbing was the fact he _didn’t_ smell bad. Castiel’s scent had been actually one of the best scents he had ever felt, it made him _want_.

Alphas were not supposed to be attracted to each other. It was almost unheard of, and it was in some ways worse to be this affected by another alpha than by male bitch. At least bitches were made to be alluring and they could bear pups, no matter how weak they were. But to be attracted to alpha or another beta with same gender – that was just plain gay. And that was it. He would never let himself watch another male like that. He had to get rid of him as soon as possible. And he had every right to throw him out. Did he really think that just because he was Novak alpha he would get this room? Dean had _earned_ it, he had fought all the alphas who had dared to challenge him, and he had won. And now he was just given roommate because, precious Novak was too good to be in normal room? Well it only meant he would have to challenge the bitch lover. He bet he fought like one too – like male omega he was so fond off, it would be easy to beat him like all the others.

He took his time to rub his skin red, making sure that all of that omega scent stuff would be removed for good. He hadn’t bothered with spare clothes since he had been in hurry to get to the shower as fast as humanly possible. So he just tied towel around his waist and stepped outside, where he nearly slammed into Castiel.

 “What are you still doing here?” he barked. “Didn’t I make it clear that you are not welcome here? But I am pretty sure the omega dormitory would offer you place to say so you could make buddies with them.”

That was right, Castiel didn’t belong here. He may as well spend his time with bitches he thought were as good as him. So why would he mind being treated as one. He knew he was being a dick, but he had really bad day. And though he hated to admit it, he was afraid of Cas, he shouldn’t be this attracted to him. If he treated him like bitch it should be easier to get over this unwanted attraction, right?

Before he could do anything he was slammed into the wall, strong arms surrounding him.

“What is your problem, Winchester? Afraid you will lose all your admirers now that I am here?  I am ten times the alpha you could be on your best day. Unlike you I respect everyone depending on their personality and not their status like you. I have no problem with them being alpha, beta or omega, but I do have problem with closed-minded jerks like you! I was willing to share this room with my appointed roommate. It would have been easy to throw you out!  I even hoped I could get along with you, but you are obviously one of those who will only answer to power display then fine! Start looking for new room- you are not staying here for long time. I suggest you to find someone who would be willing to tolerate your irritating presence, since it’s not going to be me.

Dean grinned, it would be too easy. The rich asshole was so sure he could just buy this room? This was the best part- this room had to be _earned_ , not bought with their parent’s paycheck. He couldn’t wait until the fight so he could beat the guy, until he would crawl back to his parents.

”Tomorrow, after school? Fight for this room. Winner gets the apartment and loser will have to pack his things and leave without complaint, deal?”

Cas narrowed his eyes and then gave him flashing smile. “Done, you may start packing, Winchester.” Cas released him and went to his room.

Well, tomorrow was going to be different. He could swipe that smug face away and see how the mighty Novak would be forced to live in common room.  Glad he didn’t have to suffer much longer, he went to bed. He should get some sleep before he has to have another pointless fight, but this time he wanted to win more than ever.

He twisted on his sheets and couldn’t fall asleep as easily as he was used to. Each time he closed his eyes he saw dazzling blue eyes and messy dark hair. How could he still be drawn to this arrogant cocky alpha?

When the sleep finally took him, it brought no escape from that shining smile and azure eyes.

 

***

The classes seemed to pass as slowly as dead slugs. They had arranged fight in the morning and directress was personally going to be there, to avoid any further complaints about aftermath. Dean was pretty sure it was only because his opponent was Novak. If Dean weren’t alpha-alpha Naomi would probably have given the room straight to Castiel, and sent Dean away without second thought. She hardly wanted anything to do with another alphas scuffle.

Finally the bell rang and he headed to gym, where their match was supposed to start in 20 minutes. He wasn’t surprised about already gathering students, who started to make bets about their match. It wasn’t that rare for alphas to fight, but it had been long since anyone had dared to face him. His fights were always legendary, stories about his speed and strength had always brought many students to cheer for him. He went to the dressing room and changed, made his stretching exercises and headed to tribune where the match was supposed to take place.

Cas was already there, speaking with the hot red head from last night and his dick of a brother. When he saw Dean he lifted his gaze and gave him small nod. Dean didn’t bother to answer. Instead he went straight to the ring and waited for Naomi to start the formal instructions and rules. 

He didn’t even bother to pay attention to the rules. He had fought so often that he knew them by heart. He only waited for the whistle which marked pronounced the start of their fight. He didn’t waste any time. He wanted to get over with and fast. He went straight for Castiel, but was taken aback when he missed his  first strike. It seemed that Cas was damn fast if he had been able to escape his blow.

It was soon very clear that he had horribly underestimated Castiel. No matter what he tried he didn’t manage to do much damage, not to mention turn the fight into his advance. The only good thing at this point was that Castiel didn’t get him either. To his utter disbelief Cas was at least as strong and fast and unfortunately skilled as he was. They were even in every damn way. There was only hope that Castiel would get tired before him, but it was doubtable. He didn’t know how long they had been fighting, until there was sharp whistle.

Dean turned around to see Naomi. Why was she interrupting? It wasn’t over yet! In fact they were as close to the end as they had been in the first place.

Naomi seemed to be weirdly pleased.”It is pointless. You are evenly matched.  It is a tie.”

Dean was stunned. Tie? He had never been tied before. Tie didn’t solve their problem! How would they now find solution to their mess? What would happen according to the rules? He wished he had been paying attention.  He quickly peeked at Cas, who seemed to be in the exactly same stage of disbelief and anger like he was.

“What about our room?” He hated how weak his voice was. He didn’t want to admit his defeat - to him being unable to beat Cas was equal to losing.

Naomi seemed to be completely unaffected and indifferent to their displeasure.

”This room is for the strongest alpha in school, Mr. Winchester. Since neither of you could defeat the other you both deserve to live there. You will just have to learn how to share or feel free to willingly leave the room. Once you do that, you will be given normal room and we arrange you new roommate.”

“But…” he wanted to scream at her. How was he supposed to live with Cas? Leaving would be pretty much same as submitting to the other, and he had no intention to give Castiel this pleasure.

“ No “buts” Mr. Winchester. If you don’t like it you are free to leave. This argument is over. From now on you two are stuck with each other until one of you leaves, or you learn to share. No rematch this year. Next year you could challenge him like any other alpha for this privileged apartment, but for now this is over.”

Without paying any attention to him Naomi turned to Cas. “Is this acceptable, Mr. Novak? Same rules apply to you. You may surrender and leave if you are unwilling to share _or_ you may learn to live with Mr. Winchester as your roommate.  Choice is yours.”

He hoped Cas hated him enough to want to be as far of him as possible. From the looks the guy seemed to be torn apart between his obvious dislike for Dean and his alpha pride, which was not willing to submit so easily _. Please say no. Please leave_. Which was of course the reason, he didn’t.

“I accept the terms.” he grumbled.

It was the moment Dean’s dislike turned to burning hate. He will absolutely do everything in his power, be so rude and bad as he could (without getting into more trouble), so Castiel would leave and he could get rid of him. He sent him murderous glare to let him know that this wasn’t over. Naturally it was only his luck that the other guy seemed to be thinking exactly in the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The most boring part should be over now. ( It is for me)


	4. Deal with the Devil

It had been the most awful month in his entire life. Dean did everything he could to make his life a living hell, and Castiel did his best to keep up with him. It was clear that they both thought the easiest way to win, would be as nasty as possible. Well at least Castiel had to play. He assumed it was natural to be jerk for Dean. But it was easier to him to be cruel to Dean, than he would have guessed, Dean made it so easy to hate him.

He made huge party in their room just before his test next morning, so he couldn’t study- it had been awful, Castiel had nearly failed. There had been too many drunken people everywhere, and they didn’t have maid to clean up after, and Dean didn’t seem to be in any hurry to clean after himself. Was he really so unhygienic person? Didn’t it bother him to live like a pig?

It had taken two days for him to surrender and clean the apartment himself. He bought the most disgustingly smelling cleaner he could find, and started from Dean’s room, making sure not to miss the spot. He added little bit of most awful alpha musk which was meant to help omegas without an alpha during their heat. He had intentionally bought the cheapest and worst smelling one, with longest lasting effects he could find. It was miracle the company which made it wasn’t in bankruptcy already. He doubted that any omega would find that smell pleasing, but to his alpha senses it was like someone had had sex in his bed and claimed it as their territory. He poured the whole bottle into Dean’s pillow.

Living with Gabriel had suddenly lot of perks, since now he had unlimited number of pranks he could gift Dean with. He had learned from the master, after all.

Unfortunately Dean was pretty creative on his own. His morning vitamins were replaced with sleeping pills, and he had trouble to stay awake for few days, before he discovered an extra pill in his normal dose. It had almost cost him due of his most difficult research he had been working on for weeks.

It hadn’t been a day without being victim from Dean’s next attack or without planning his own response in return. He was weirdly obsessed with Dean and their childish game. If he wasn’t busy with his schoolwork or family he found himself planning a next prank for Dean. Or tried to figure out what exactly it would take, break the other guy.

He should have been more focused on finding friends. Dean had them- he was football captain, had numerous friends (still miracle how he had earned them), he flirted with every female in school, which oddly bothered Castiel more than it should have. He would have liked to think it was only because he felt sorry for poor females, forced into Dean’s company. But it wasn’t exactly the whole truth.

No matter how much he tried to deny it or get rid of it, his alpha still wanted Dean, at least physically.  It had been biggest surprise in his life after finding out that Dean wasn’t an omega. He thought that once the fake omega scent was gone, he would smell like any other alpha to him, with slight difference in each smell. He wasn’t prepared to find out that Dean’s alpha scent was still alluring to him. He was still cursed to be attracted to his beautiful body. He didn’t understand why? Why he was almost obsessed about the other alpha, and even dreamed about him? It seemed that no matter how disgusting Dean was to him as person, he couldn’t shake this affect he had on him.

But since he _was_ obsessed with Dean, he tried at least focus on getting back to him, not trying to imagine how his body might look like without any clothes covering his muscular chest or bowlegs.

He didn’t want to like anything about Dean- he was disrespectful jerk who didn’t care about anyone.

***

Castiel met Anna and Gabriel regularly in cafeteria near their campus at least twice a week. He enjoyed his sisters charming presence and lately took much more time to pay attention to Gabriel, hoping to learn new ways to find this final trick that would be too much for Dean to tolerate. It had been over two months now, and they were still living together.

“So still roommate troubles?” Gabe asked him.

“Yeah, I can’t find something to get rid of him for good. “ He complained.

“Want me do to anything about it? I could pull something so awful that he would never come back.” Gabe offered.

It was tempting proposition. He didn’t doubt Gabriel’s ability to sow trouble everywhere he went. But he didn’t want it for some reason. This thing between him and Dean was personal. _He_ wanted to be the one who would win their little battle without any help, at least not yet. He didn’t mind using other peoples help to get the results. After all Dean had used dozens of people for that party. But he was the one who must order it, not Gabe.

“No thanks, I manage.”

“Have you even tried to get along with him?” Anna asked with weird glint in her eyes. She quickly turned her head from him, so he didn’t get a good look.

Castiel growled. “I have nothing in common with such awful person. Why would I even want do befriend him? So I could be another one of his so called friends he doesn’t really care about? He cares nothing about others. Dean just seeks his own pleasure.”

“I’m not sure Cassie, many people find him loyal and pleasant friend. The only one who seems to have problem with him is you. I haven’t actually heard anything that bad about him. Have you even considered that perhaps you two could start over?”

Castiel watched his sister in disbelief. Why was she defending this moron? Was she another one of those girls that drooled after Dean?  He didn’t know why but Dean seemed to be popular, he was always surrounded with bunch of girls or his jock friends. He was always at the center of attention, pretending to be charming and good person. He had made sure that it would be hard for Castiel to find friends. And since he hadn’t very good social skills, he was mostly alone. It made him little sad, he wanted at least one person to see that he could be good friend or even something more. He wanted to flirt as freely as Dean and there were plenty cute beta girls and omegas of both gender in campus, but as most unfortunate side effect he just wasn’t attracted to any of them. The only one he felt drawn to was Dean, whether he wanted it or not.

“Why are you taking his side?” He just needed to know. How could his own sister betray him like this? He thought she was smarter than that and would see how shallow person Dean truly was.

To his dismay Anna’s cheeks reddened and she looked away from him. Gabriel burst into the loud laughter, patting her shoulder.

“Well seems our little sis has crush on your tormentor Cassie. Perhaps you can schedule so Dean could find time for you both? Anna gets to date him first, and then Cassie can torture him?”

“Date him?” Castiel nearly yelled. “Why would she want to date him?” He turned to see his sister, only to find her pleading brown eyes.

“He asked me out while ago, there is this club opening near campus tonight and I agreed to go, pretty much everyone does.”

“Did it ever occur to you that he might only have asked you out so he would get to hurt me?”

Dean must have been even worse than he had imagined. He never thought he would step so low to use Anna against him. It was one thing to mess with him, but going after his sister was not acceptable.

“What? No! Dean is not like that at all. Besides what do you think might happen? It is party, I want to go. He is popular and handsome guy what’s the harm in that? Unlike you Castiel I want to make friends, I want to have a boyfriend. I want to meet new people. You are not the center of his world Cassie I think he genuinely likes me.”

“How can you be so stupid Anna? I thought you knew better than that. He doesn’t care about you. He flirts with everything that moves- Dean has brought more girls into our room than I can count! He doesn’t deserve you! He is just cheap scum trying to get into your pants.”  How could his Anna be so blind? Dean was using her. “I forbid you to go.”

“The hell you will! I am my own person. Just because I am an omega doesn’t give you any right Castiel.  Do you think I can’t make my own decisions? You always acted like we were equal, but it seems it was just an act! You are just another control freak alpha, aren’t you?”  

Before he could stop her she ran out of the cafeteria and disappeared. He stood up to go after her, but Gabe’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. “Let her go Cassie. She has every right to do what she wants, and you know that.”  Castiel stared at him incredulously. How could Gabriel take her side? He was supposed to be protecting her like he was. He wanted Anna safe, as far as possible from Dean Winchester.

“I’m just trying to protect her! I don’t mind her going to parties, but not with Dean, anyone but him. I just know Dean will use her to get me.”

“No Cassie, I think Anna is right this time. Winchester was at my party and he didn’t seem like total jerk back then. He didn’t take any advantage of any girls too drunk to say no to him, even when they tried to get into his pants. He is womanizer, but I don’t think he would use anybody like that, I don’t think he is that kind of guy. How could I blame him for sleeping around when I am no better? He is alpha it is only natural to want to have little fun.”

As they headed back to campus he was still skeptical. So Gabriel thought he should trust Dean with Anna. He desperately wished to forbid Anna from going, but knew better. His sister was stubborn one, much like himself. It made him furious they didn’t see Dean like he did, but he decided to let her go. But if Dean harmed Anna in any way - he didn’t care how far he had to go to end him. He would destroy Dean completely.

***

Dean left their apartment around 10 pm.  Castiel couldn’t help but notice how handsome he had looked, and he hated himself for it. His bad mood only worsened as the evening went by. He was so restless; he couldn’t read or watch TV. Every time he tried to concentrate on something all he saw were Dean with Anna before his eyes. He couldn’t help but picture all the awful ways how Dean could use her against him. How Dean might kiss or hold her, he ignored the painful twist in his chest this image seemed to bring up.

 It was in middle of the night when he got phone call from Gabriel to immediately come to his room. From the sound of it Gabe was nearlypanicked and uncharacteristically nervous. He felt dread wash over him and something cold spreading through his body. Castiel was sure something terrible had happened to Anna, he didn’t know how but he was sure of it. He had warned them about Dean! Castiel was going to kill him slowly and painfully.

He grabbed his thing as fast as he could and ran to Gabriel’s room on the second floor. He had only been there once, since he didn’t enjoy visiting Gabriel in his personalquarters. It was far too easy to step into another trap the trickster had planned forpoor incautious souls who unwittingly wandered straight into ambush. It was way safer to meet around campus or in city. So it took him frustratingly long to find the right door, since he didn’t remember the right room number on first try. He didn’t bother to knock, he just stormed in - and his heart dropped. Anna was lying on Gabe’s bed, her fiery hair in mess. Her clothes were dirty and torn apart in few places, one sleeve missing from her shirt. Her pants seemed to gotten worst of the damage, but her bitter scent of drunken omega in distress was stronger than Castiel had ever felt before. One look was all it took to see obvious- she had been assaulted by an alpha.

 By her scent it was almost impossible to tell who exactly, since there was lingering smell of many, but only one mattered to him. He would have recognized _that_ _one_ everywhere. His own rooms were mingled with that very scent, the strongest of them all- belonged unmistakably to Dean Winchester.

If he hadn’t been so worried about the Anna at the moment he would have already gone to hunt down Dean, and put him to his place – preferably in to the grave.

“What happened?” He didn’t bother to subdue his alpha voice, he needed answers and fast. The sooner he knows what happened the sooner he is able to leave and crush Dean.

“I haven’t gotten the whole story from her yet. She is too intoxicated and from the looks of it probably also roofied.  She is dizzy, very confused about her surroundings, and was unconscious for a while. The only thing she managed to say so far has been “Stop! Don’t touch me Dean, when Dean carried her here…”

Gabriel continued to talk to him, but he didn’t need to hear anything more. Dean had roofied his sister. That was all the information he needed. Dean was dead man. Some more rational part of him knew he should just call the police, or get straight to the headmaster and get him expelled and behind the bars. He knew his family was powerful enough to win any case against someone like Dean. But it wouldn’t be nearly enough; his hatred for Dean burned too brightly and had been suppressed far too long. Alpha in him was enraged, demanding revenge and he boiled from desire to destroy Dean. Take everything he held dear away from him, broke him so thoroughly that he would never recover. It was much more important to make him suffer than give him only death, it would have been too kind. He needed to give him life worse than death, so that he could spend rest of his miserable life in agony.

He stormed out of the room, not paying any attention to Gabriel running after him and begging him to stop and listen. He didn’t need to, what he _needed_ was to act or he was going crazy.

Castiel didn’t know how long he had been running when he finally decided to stop. He found himself in park near school, close to the parking lot. He recognized his own Porsche and then another car caught his attention - 67 chevy impala. He had heard Dean speaking about it too often to his friends. He never let anyone else to drive his “Baby” and spent ridiculous amount of time with his car. He knew that Dean was basically in relationship with it. He smiled- he knew exactly where to start his revenge.

It barely took any time to get gasoline from his car. Castiel always made sure to have few extra canisters for emergencies. He had almost reached the impala, when suddenly rough cough from behind stopped him. Castiel turned around to look at his intruder; there was a short man in black suit, with devious smirk on his face. The man smiled wider as he stepped closer. “Care to tell what are you doing, love?”

He didn’t know what made him tell the truth to this stranger, perhaps it was just easier to get it all out, as if admitting it out loud would make his plan less crazy. ”I am going to destroy Dean Winchester.” He told it as a fact, daring the man to stop him, as if he could even if he tried. The car was just a beginning, warm up for bigger game. The newcomer just furrowed his brows and didn’t seem impressed at all. “And _this_ is best you can come up with, really? Destroying his damn phallus on wheels?”

“He loves this car, wrecking it will break him...” He cut himself off - he _didn’t_ need to explain himself. It was closest he could get at the moment without bringing any harm to others. The car was most personal thing to Dean which he cared about. Castiel wouldn’t swoop so low that he would use Dean’s friends or family against him, as Dean had done with Anna.

“Oh, I am sure he would be devastated few months it takes him to fix it, more angry about the cost though. He is excellent mechanic by the way and has rebuilt this beast over and over again. If anything you will just piss him off, is this what you truly want?” The man sent him exploratory look as if he was trying to figure him out.

Castiel felt bad, no, it wouldn’t be nearly enough. He knew Dean used to work as mechanic sometimes after school, but he had no idea he would be able to rebuild the car completely. If that was true, then this would be pointless. But what else could he do at the moment? And who was this guy anyway? Was he friend of Dean’s who just tried to save his baby for him and earn a favor from Dean? He didn’t look like he belonged to his social circle, if anything he would have thought the man drug dealer or something as shady.

“Are you trying to talk me out of this?”

“Me? Hell no! I was just wandering by and saw your little attempt to violate somebody’s car. I was just curious what had the poor car done to deserve such fate. But it’s clear now, you are just sending message to its owner. Foolish and childish attempt, but go ahead if you wish.”

Castiel stared at him. Was he threatening to bail him out, or was he trying to offend him? What exactly did he mean by “foolish attempt” as if he could do any better, cocky bastard.

“Is there any point in your gibberish? If there is then just get straight to it, if not get lost.” He was tired of pointless chit-chat.

“I thought you Novaks have better manners. Wouldn’t it be shame to your family if everyone discovers how you just tried to burn Dean’s car down? I’m sure you could allow yourself the joy to see this car burning down, but eventually they will find out it was you. Then you will be forced to recompense it to the Winchester – brilliant plan indeed.”

“I thought you just told me that you will not bail me out! “ Castiel growled.

The man just laughed at him. “Why the hell would I need to bail you out? It is all on surveillance cameras, you idiot. If I wanted to see you fail I wouldn’t had intervened in first place.” The man gave him another searching look and licked his lips. Castiel didn’t like him, but he knew he had a point. He was ashamed how rudimentary his plan had been. It wouldn’t accomplish anything, except more trouble to his family. He turned around and walked to his car to put back gasoline.

“Giving up already?” the man shouted to him. It was last thing he needed- someone reminding him his failure. He was already tired, angry and defeated, why did this stranger kept tormenting him?

 “Why do you care? It is not like I could do anything to him without getting into the trouble myself. “Not exactly the truth, but close enough. He couldn’t turn Dean Winchester’s life to living hell like he wanted. He would just have to use ordinary methods. He would have to call police and hope Dean would get his punishment by the law. He could even ask his family to hire best prosecutors to ensure he would get maximal punishment. But it would never be good enough- he deserved far worse, it angered him to no end.

“ _Or_ you could just make deal with me. I can give you Dean Winchester in silver plate if you want. It will cost you of course, but I always keep my deals. If it is physically possible I can do it.”

Castiel spun around so fast he nearly fell over. “Y-you could do that?” he asked incredulously. If that was true, he wouldn’t spare any amount of money it might cost him.

“Yes, haven’t you heard of me? I am Crowley.”

Yes. Castiel had heard of him. The rumors of the “King of Hell” had reached even to him. It was widely known that Crowley could help with all dubious deals; he managed to work almost miracles when you made deal with him. Nobody knew exactly _how_ he kept them, but if the deed was done it was only matter of time to see the results. If anyone could help him, it would be Crowley.

“I am listening. What do I need to do to make a deal with you?” He tried to discover how interested he was, but he suspected that he didn’t fool him anyway. After all he had just seen his pathetic attempt to burn down Dean’s car.

“Oh, that is easy. You just describe to me what you want in detail, I will tell you how much it will cost to you and how much time I need for perfect results. But I must warn you; once you make the deal you can’t take it back. So be careful what you wish for, because that’s exactly what you will get.”

It would really be that easy? Money wouldn’t be problem, he had more than enough. And the thought he would ever regret harming Dean waslaughable so he wasn’t worried about that. He took a moment to pounder what exactly could he wish. Since it was illegal anyway, he could ask for some accident, but tossed it immediately aside. He wanted Dean to lose all hope, everything he ever valued. He wanted to see him in infernal misery, with no way out, for the rest of his life. Dean should feel as powerless and weak as his victim had been.

“I want Dean Winchester broken irreversibly. I want him to lose something personal he values the most. I want him to know how it feels - to be nothing, show him he doesn’t matter and he is beyond any hope to ever recover. No matter what he does he can’t escape this mess he is in, not even with help. But don’t harm any others in process, it should be only him.” Yeah, that should cover it. Now it was only matter of payment and waiting for outcome. “Oh, and of course I must not be associated to his misfortune in any way.”

If Crowley could really do that, it would take care to all of his problems regarding to Dean. He would finally be free from him for good, and he would get his payback for Anna.

Crowley considered this for a moment. “I have something, it will take about 3 months to take full effect, but I assure you it will work. Lesser effects start to affect him immediately, but you might not notice them at first. But when I am done with him, results are clear to all. And it is completely irrevocable. He would have to live with that for the rest of his life.”

Crowley smirked at him. “Of course it would be pretty expensive to you, my method itself isn’t cheap, and I would have to make few arrangements to make it happen.”

Castiel noticed that Crowly carefully avoided the core of his plan. It was obvious he wished to keep his intentions for Dean to himself. Should he ask? Perhaps the less he knows the better it would be for him. Results were all that Castiel cared about.

“It takes 3 moths? Isn’t it bit long?” he asked. He wanted Dean to be in hell as soon as possible.

“Oh, I said it will take full effect with 3 months, not that it won’t affect him before that. Depending on circumstances it will take me few hours to a week to start the process. But it might take him for a while to understand what exactly is happening to him.”

“How much to you want for that?”

“10 000$.” Crowley told him bluntly.

 The price didn’t surprise Castiel. He was going to destroy someone’s full life, so it wasn’t that high. He could easily afford it, he took his wallet and wrote the check, but he didn’t sign it yet.

“How do I know you keep the deal?” Suspicion was clear in his voice. Crowley smarmy appearance wasn’t the most convincing one. For a moment he was worried that he had offended the man, but he kept smiling.

“If I’d fail to keep my end of the deals, no one would ever make them anymore. To me client is the king. My reputation alone should be guarantee enough. Or if you won’t trust me, you can give me 1/3 now and rest of it later.” heshrugged.

Well he had a point. Everyone recommended him for this kind ofbusiness, he had never heard complains of broken deals, only that he could do almost anything. He could write a new check for lesser amount right now or he could just take the risk and trust the guy. He decided for later, the less he was seen with the man the better and he didn’t want to owe anything to someone who could evidently come after him if he wouldn’t pay.

He slowly reached his and out and offered the check to Crowley who took it and carefully put it away.

“It was my pleasure to make this deal with you - if you ever need anything again, let me know. I will let you know when it’s done.” Crowley gave him nod to show his appreciation and left without saying goodbye, already fishing out his phone and starting new conversation.

***

Castiel decided to take long walk, before returning to Gabe’s and checking on Anna. He needed to fully calm down before he would be ready to face them again, without the danger of disturbing them with angry outburst in case he can’t handle the rest (most) of the story.

The sun was already rising when he finally was feeling like himself again. It helped when he got message from unknown number with short message “It is done.” He had no idea how Crowley had acted so fast nor had he any idea what to expect from him. But it didn’t soothe him completely. What had he possibly done? Was there some accident with Dean? Was he injured? If he was then he wondered if he still looked so good or had he lost his extremely handsome features completely. It would be regrettable, but definitely for best. His cursed attraction to him would finally be over and he was sure it would save many females from falling for him in the future. If Dean would be ugly he would lose most of his charm, since Castiel was sure his obnoxious personality would be easier to see, and therefore soon be alone and miserable.

Few hours later he returned to his room after paying quick visit to Gabe. Anna was still sleeping and there was nothing he could help her with at the moment so he might as well rest. He immediately noticed that Dean wasn’t there and hadn’t been for hours since there was no fresh scent in the air. He was extremely curious about what had happened to him. If there had been an accident he might be in hospital, but then why had Crowley told him it might take months to accomplish his goal? He had told him it was done, so how could it been an “accident”? He cursed that he didn’t ask, perhaps Crowley had tricked him? No something told him that wasn’t the case. He gave up his useless assumptions and went to bed. He needed to rest and then visit his family again; there was no point in wasting his time on Dean Winchester, who had already been taken care of. With that thought in his mind he drifted to restless sleep, haunted by green eyes and freckles.

***

It was early afternoon when he woke, not that surprising regarding the time he went to sleep. He didn’t waste any time on eating – he could grab something on his way over to Gabe’s. Castiel clothed himself in hurry and sneaked out of his room. There was still no sign of Dean, which allowed him to relax a little. There was no need to get himself all worked up first thing in the morning- well afternoontechnically.

About 10 minutes later he found himself behind Gaberiel’s door, sipping bitter coffee to force his sleepy mind into action. He dreaded to see Anna, to be reminded how awfully he had failed her and how useless he had been. He should have gone with her yesterday; he had known that this party was bad news. Everything involving Dean was natural disaster.

“Hey Cassie, you coming with us to the cafeteria? We thought we could use some family time.” asked Anna.

His sister looked totally fine, no signs of distress or ruined clothing visible anymore. Was she in the denial and acting like it never happened? His heart broke.

” Are you fine?” Castiel askedhesitantly. “I mean after yesterday’s events do you really want to go out?”  He didn’t want to remind her of her trauma, but he needed to make sure she wasn’t in some crazy denial phase.

“Yes, of course I want Cassy. I won’t let one bad experience held me back for the rest of my life. And it’s not like anything really happened, it was just a close call.” Anna offered him reassuring simile and beckoned him inside the room, so he wouldn’t make a scene in public.

Castiel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She considered this fine just because that rapist hadn’t finished his job? His anger must have been clear on his face, and Anna stepped closer and ran her fingers lightly trough his hair. It was meant to be comforting, but it only made it worse somehow. Anna tried to calm him- did she really expect Castiel to forget this had ever happened like she seemed to have?

“Hey, it is really okay Cassie, they just scared me a bit, but Dean saved me before they could drag me into that van. Those bastards were arrested after Dean was done with them.” Anna flashed him brilliant smile. “I told you he is not that bad. If it weren’t for him, God knows what they would have done to me. Those fools thought it would be easy to take him down and drag me away after they infected me with drug. We should really thank him for saving my life.”

Castiel was dumbfounded. Dean had saved Anna? What if he hadn’t been there, if those others had managed to kidnap his sister? He didn’t even want to think about what those vile creatures had in mind.

“Dean wasn’t the one who hurt you?” He still couldn’t believe it he had been so sure it was him. Dean’s scent was strongest one he had felt on her. He had immediately gone after him and… Oh God! He had ruined his life forever. He could feel cold terror spreading over his whole body and he started to shakeviolently. What had he done? How could he have been so short-sighted and let his anger and hatred for Dean to go this far. He hadn’t even bothered to hear the whole story yesterday. Gabe had told him that he didn’t know everything yet and Anna had only begged Dean to stop touching her. Wait, why did Anna asked that if Dean truly saved her? This didn’t seem to fit with her Gabe’s story.

“But Gabriel told me you begged him to not touch you, I thought he violated you…”

Anna gave Gabe sharp look, which caused his older brother to shrug. Anna blushed furiously and confessed. “I didn’t want him to carry me! I was dirty and I was perfectly able to walk by myself, I only tottered a little. It was humiliating to let him carry me here. “Deep flush reddened her cheeks and she bit her tongue. “ He didn’t listen and he refused to leave me alone in my room so I asked him to bring me here.”

Castiel felt little bit offended. He was the alpha brother and usually far better for situations like this, than Gabe. Why hadn’t she asked him first?

“Why didn’t you come to me? I would have helped you!” The words came out much harsher than he had intended them to. His alpha was offended and hurt by the fact she had sought beta for protection, not him.

For a moment Anna looked confused. Then she spoke so quietly that Castiel could barely hear her. “And came to you like this- in torn clothes and in the arms of your most hated person? You would have attacked him Cassie! You didn’t want me to go to the club in the first place!“

Oh, that was pretty good argument. He would indeed have charged Dean in the very moment he saw him. It didn’t hurt any less, had he truly been turned so unreasonable because of Dean?

“Besides he didn’t let me choose. Bringing me here was his idea not mine, Dean told Gabe what happened and left. By then I was too sleepy to understand what exactly was happening. I didn’t remember last night very well at all, it’s still foggy and dizzy to me. The last thing I remember clearly was women’s bathroom and some Meg chick who cried there. I went to help her, but when she turned around she attacked me. Then the window opened and those four alphas tried to drag me away, but I screamed before they could silence me. And suddenly Dean was there and fought them off. He was amazing he was like war god himself. I had never seen someone fighting like that, expect you Cassie!

Anna looked so happy, so impressed with Dean. He couldn’t blame her. The more he listened he was convinced that Dean had truly just been gentle and caring for Anna. He felt huge relief wash over him briefly, before it turned into consuming horror. He was glad Anna was fine, he was so glad his sister was safe and alive with no signs of assault. There was nothing that should have clouded his happiness for her sister’s luck to be saved from such fate. Dean had been far better man than he had ever expected him to be, and he was the true monster here. He had always been calm and reasonable alpha, the one who thought first and acted later. Had it been any other alpha scent on her last night, he would have at least bothered to get full story before going after them. But no- he had stormed out, refusing to reason with Gabriel and went right after Dean. He had tried to burn down his car! And then…He felt nauseous. Had he truly just destroyed Dean’s life for nothing?

“Cassie, you alright?”  He heard Anna’s concerned voice.

He gave to her what he hoped to be a convincing smile, while he actually felt like dying inside. No, he wasn’t fine by any means. He was sick and he was a monster who had acted impulsively. If the rumors about Crowley were true then he had indeed wrecked Dean without second thought. The more he thought about it the worse he felt. What had Dean ever truly done to deserve such hatred? Last night Castiel should have stayed with Anna, making sure she was alright. But his obsession with Dean had gotten better of him and he had failed to see any reason. He had made the deal with the devil, and he knew in his heart that he will never forgive himself, if something truly horrible happened to Dean. He had only slight glimmer of hope that this Crowley guy was a fraud, and just took his money. Coward as he was, he let himself play with that idea, because alternative was just too damn depressing.

Crowley had to be fraud right? What could the guy really have done with merely 2 hours? Surely he had seen golden opportunity to take money from rich and rage blinded alpha. It wasn’t like Castiel could or even would try to prove it, if he had been tricked it was his own fault and fair punishment for even having such awful idea at all. But he needed to be sure; he needed to be absolutely certain that no harm would come to Dean from that deal.

“…And we should organize a thank you party for him. It is least I could to after he saved me. Do you think we should invite him home? I bet our parents would like to…”

Castiel couldn’t handle it anymore and left, leaving his confused siblings behind. He wasn’t able to see her smiling face and gratitude towards man he had wronged so extremely. He needed to stop whatever Crowley had possibly started and make every attempt to fix his rocky relationship with Dean. Why did he even disliked him so much? Thinking about it now he had no idea. Yes, Dean obviously had extreme views regarding male omegas, but other than that he knew next to nothing about him. He needed to start over and get to know the real Dean, not the illusion about him he had created in his mind and hated.

But right now he needed to make sure that he was alright, that he would reach Dean before this potential harm could get to him. He didn’t think he could ever find his redemption if he had harmed another person like this. What the hell had he been thinking when he had agreed to such thing?

He was so deep in thought that he nearly collapsed with Ash, he only knew him since he had helped him with his computer after Dean had messed with it as prank.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”

“Bad day, dude? You look like you have just been hit by car.”

Fitting, this was only accurate to look like he felt. Suddenly an idea came to him. Ash was amazing with computers, he could find about anything you asked for. Perhaps he would know about this Crowley dude. ”Yes, I’m fine. Actually I’m glad to see you here; I would like you to help me with something.” He hesitated; did he really wanted to know who the hell was Crowley and if he was truly capable for such impossible deeds? Castiel couldn’t afford to run away now; if the deal was real he needed to know so he could do everything in his power to fix it.

“What do you know about Crowley” he asked hoarsely.

That name got strong reaction from Ash. For a moment he seemed speechless eyebrows high and stared at him with wide eyes. “What exactly do you want to know about him? Usually he is bad news, is he after you or any friend of yours?”

Castiel gulped, he felt like there wasn’t enough air left for him to breathe. “Something like that,” he admitted. “I know he is after someone because of some horrible deal. I just wanted to know if the deal was sham or real. I know that he has confirmed that “it has been done” but so far there are no signs of it. So what do you think?” All hope he had gathered drained from his body by the look on Ash’s face. It was more than clear that Crowley was real felon and every awful rumor about him was most likely true.

Ash gave him sad look and asked, “Do you know what kind of deal it was? Perhaps your friend could fix it with another. It would help me to know if it is even worth trying, can you tell me the core of the deal.”

For a second he felt hope again, new deal, this might be his way out. “The deal was to break someone irreversibly, to make their life living hell, so they could never recover. Crowley told them that it would take about 3 months to accomplish the full effect, but the deal is already in progress.” He could barely get the words out of his mouth, feeling like he had razor blades in his throat, cutting him with every word he spoke. How had he done something so horrible to Dean? He was drowning in well deserved guilt. If he could make another deal to save him, he would do it in the heartbeat, no matter the cost to himself.

“Look, I can’t help you with anything anymore, it’s too late. If you said the deal is done and one of the terms was that it would be irrefutable, then it truly is. I feel sorry whoever is target of that contract. There is nothing you could do to save him. I doubt that even Crowley himself could help you anymore- he always keeps his deals as close to the customers wishes as possible.”  Ash gripped his shoulder and the apology and compassion shined through his eyes. Castiel let out quiet sob, and thanked him for his help, excusing himself and left, before he broke into the tears.

The only thing he could focus on was Dean and his overwhelming needed to check on him. His alpha was awake again,whining in his mind to get Dean immediately, wrap him into his arms and beg for his forgiveness and protect him from any harm. He was dangerously close to his feral side now as he couldn’t give his alpha side any satisfaction or glimpse of hope to help Dean. As if he could make it alright again and he would be able to fix the damage he had foolishly caused. Castiel was wrecked and in complete misery. He didn’t miss the irony that this was the very thing he had wished for Dean, and laughed bitterly. Castiel felt as world had collapsed on him and sun had sucked all happiness out of air. He had cursed Dean forever? He didn’t even know what exactly the deal included and there was nothing to stop it from happening.

There was only one thing he could be sure of; from now on he would do everything to make it up for Dean. He knew it was possibly fruitless, but he needed do try. If there was even slightest chance that he could make things better for Dean he had to try. And if Dean will fall, he would go down with him. There would be never any redemption for him if Dean wouldn’t recover and Castiel wasn’t ready to live with that. With throbbing heart he closed his eyes and opened the door to their apartment, terrified about what he was about to find.

 


	5. Turning point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be unexpected.  
> Dean still has no clue that there is something wrong with him and Cas is in sock/denial phase. He is not ready to believe that all the hope is gone, he refuses to believe that he has done something so awful( he is also unaware what exactly) and breaks down. Cas is sure that Crowley must have tricked him since Dean seems completely fine. So he falls into denial and clingers to false hope. Easier than stand the horrible truth.This chapter is more about their not-rational thoughts and instincts than it is about reason. Cas is drowning in guilt and self-loathing ( well deserved) and breaks down ( completely). Until this point all Cas had ever seen was the worst side of Dean, he truly believed that Dean had raped his sister and had no reason to know better. For Dean, well he has no idea what is going on, but his protective side kicks out, basically just his alpha/animal side. This is first time when they have kind of awkward moment before they realize what is going on. Just a brief moment before everything goes to hell. This is NO WAY forgotten. This is just distraught Cas who clings to hope and NEEDS to make sure that he didn't cause any damage, and protective Dean. ( Which only makes it worse to Cas.)

Dean woke up next to his very hot one night stand, arms still wrapped around beta’s beautiful body. Some chick called Belle or Bela or something like that. He actually didn’t care, since he had no desire to see her ever again. She wasn’t his type he decided, her hair was not dark enough and her eyes lacked of the certain blue shade he liked. It had been fun night, butno strings attached, which suited him well.

After taking Anna back to his brother he had returned to the club, to get his mind off fighting those bastards and was soon entangled with smokin’ brunette beta. It had been crazy night, full of awesome ardent sex and drinks. But the morning –after was never his favorite. It always ended up chicks asking his number or an awkward breakfast, rarely in hot morning sex. He had no intention to stick around any longer than necessary. He didn’t feel very good either- he must have consumed more alcohol than he originally thought. He hadn’t had hangover this bad for years, he actually felt like he was going to be sick for the rest of the day.

He sneaked out of her flat and walked towards the campus. His baby was still parked to schools parking lot, since he wouldn’t risk her with drunk driving. The club they had been with Anna wasn’t that far and he had no need for it. He hoped that incident with Anna would give him free day from any pranks they usually exchanged with Cas.

The blue eyed alpha- alpha he still shared apartment with. It had just been his luck that of all the changes to find another alpha-alpha like him, it had to be his appointed roommate. Why the hell did it have to be Cas? The rich spoiled alpha was actually surprisingly creative when it came to nasty paybacks for his numerous pranks he had pulled to get rid of him. So far neither of them had shown any marks of submission. 

Much to his irritation, his strange attraction to Cas had all but vanished; if anything he was pulled closer and closer to Cas. Dean was always hyperaware of him. His scent, the way he moved, the way how he was always extra grumpy in the mornings and how he tilted his head adorably whenever he was confused. No matter what he did to get over it, it just didn’t work.

Dean had tried sleeping with more betas and omegas than he usually did, he had tried to kill every arousing thought about the other alpha, but it was useless. Even when he refused to masturbate to the thoughts of Cas, it didn’t change the fact that he _was_ attracted to him. Even his alpha pheromones didn’t smell bad to him, instead they felt like fresh apple pie with cinnamon, with other pleasant smells he couldn’t precisely put his finger on. Those brilliant blue eyes and sex hair didn’t help his problem either.

He had been astonished, when he discovered that they were equals in strength. He had thought that the rich asshole got this room only thanks to his wealth. Sharing rooms with Cas wasn’t exactly what he had expected. The other alpha wasn’t very territorial or possessive. Of course he did reply do his numerous gags, but he never yield.

Sometimes he regretted that he had immediately ruined their relationship with his angry outburst, but he soon forget it since Cas never tried to get along with him either. Other than that the guy was weird. Who the hell wore sweaters like that? He seemed genuinely confused about every movie ever made and didn’t get even most popular references. He never invited someone over, not even his siblings, thought this might have been because of him, Dean admitted.

But today he had no interest to be victim to Cas’s next pay back. (Dean had ruined his laundry, adding red socks so now all of dude’s white shirts and socks were horrible shade of pink.) He hoped that there would come a day when Cas would ran out of the ideas to get him, but it seemed the guy had unlimited access to all the pranks ever created and some more. He hoped that Cas had been so busy with doting on Anna, that perhaps he would be in more forgivable mood today. Dean had saved her from pretty bad situation; he didn’t even want to think what those creeps had planned for her. He had called the cops and it was revealed, that their boss was some extra spooky brothel owner Azazel (or had previously owned them – it’s not like that kind of shit was legal.)

He expected to find some new prank or little bit awkward Cas in their room, unsure how to thank him for saving his sister. Or even mad Cas , demanding to know why had Anna been hurt at all- Dean would have understand completely. What he _didn’t_ expect, was to find distraught alpha in their living room, looking like he was about to die, blue eyes looking into distance without really looking at anything. His eyes were bloodshot like he had been crying, and the full apartment was filled with thick alpha pheromones which reeked of misery.

What the hell had happened to Cas? Immediately he felt nearly irresistible desire to comfort him, to wrap in into his arms until Cas felt better. He looked so vulnerable and small, with his shoulders slumped and strong hands hugging his knees. What in the world could have happened to make him look like _this_?Dean was going to rip them apart, limb by limb… _Where the hell did that all come from?_ Cas was alpha, he didn’t need his protection, but no matter how carefully he tried not to care, Dean did.

“Cas, you okay man?” He hesitatingly stepped closer; it was so different from their usual communication. This was serious, now was not time for pranks or get into another useless fight.

Instantly he was drowning in wide terrified blue eyes, and yes, that was definitely a tear falling to his left cheek. And just like that, everything else vanished from his mind. It didn’t matter if they disliked each other. It didn’t matter that they weren’t friends or that Cas was alpha. All Dean knew was that Cas needed him, and he couldn’t resist. Without thinking Dean closed the distance between them, and delicately with very slow movements, to not scare Cas, he whipped it away with his thumb. He was surprised when he suddenly was griped with firm hands, but Cas was far from fine. Cas frantically searched something from his face as he ran his eyes over Dean as if to check if _he_ was okay, which was just absurd.

Then out of the blue, Cas was shaking so violently that Dean had to cradle him in his arms, shooting him as well as he could, while Cas cling to him like Dean was his lifeline.While Cas sobbed on his shoulder, muttering “I’m so sorry, so very sorry,” to him every time he had enough air to form a sentence. Dean had no idea what the hell he was talking about, but it didn’t matter as long as Cas felt better. Whatever had agitated him so much seemed to be slowly washing away in his care. The sobs were quieter and less frequent, but Cas still griped him tight, whenever he moved even a little.

Dean was unsure what to do with the mess in his arms. Weirdly he didn’t want to push him away, not even close. If anything he wished he could pull him closer until there would be no space between them, but it would have been impossible without melting into one being. The alpha side in him was purring with pleasure from holding Cas and protecting his ma... WHAT THE HELL? No way! If he hadn’t been so worried about Cas, he would have ran away right then and there. Why the hell was his alpha acting this way? Was it defected, couldn’t it fucking sense that Cas was alpha like him! He wasn’t into guys, not even into male omegas who were technically fair game to his alpha side, whether he wanted or not.

It was miracle that he stayed as he were, Cas still trembling in his arms. He didn’t know how long they remained like this, and he didn’t care. Finally Cas laid still and soft snores started to escape from his mouth. Dean smiled, who knew the sobbing would exhaust alpha like him into sleep? Attentively not to wake him, he lifted Cas into better position and carried him to his bed, and tucked him in. He may or may not have stayed there way longer than necessary, watching him sleep.

He was halfway out of the room, when he heard low whisper, “Please stay.”

Dean didn’t have it in him to refuse. Carefully he sat on his bed, not allowing himself to get comfortable and watched over him. He was tired and hangover, but didn’t complain, it was more important to look after Cas, who was obviously in desperate need for comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's alpha side is confusing and he is still struggling with his unwanted attraction to Cas, this is purely his alpha/animal side not his rational thinking.


	6. No redemption

It was too hot. His right side was burning with unfamiliar body pressed next to him, the pleasant smell of alpha musk filling his nose with every breath he took. It was enough startle him fully awake with seconds. It was Dean, why were they sharing the bed? Dean was still fully clothed, and it looked like he had literally just collapsed to his side. Vaguely he could recall asking him to stay with him; he had no idea that Dean had actually listened.

He was totally lost where they stood right now. He had entered the apartment and there were still no signs of Dean and he really freaked out. He had been so worried, that there had been actual accident with him, and he could never see him again. He hadn’t cried like this in years if ever. He had total break down when Dean finally came, and against all odds, asked if HE was okay. Castiel didn’t deserve any of it and he had been even more miserable than before. He barely registered what happened and then he was suddenly in Dean’s arms and it was soothing and safest place on earth. Feeling the solid unharmed body against his, he wished he never would have to let go of him. It was proof that Dean was alive and well- at least he couldn’t see anything wrong with him, expect his obvious tiredness.  God, he had been so selfish that he had asked Dean to stay with him, he just didn’t want to be alone and he needed to see Dean to make sure he was still there and fine. He should have let Dean to sleep, instead of babysitting him, it would have been much more necessary and reasonable choice.

Castiel slipped out of the bed careful not to wake Dean, and leaned closer to get the better look at the sleeping man. Dean seemed so much younger like this, prone on his bed. Castiel looked at him fondly, trying to find anything wrong with him. Perhaps he had made it in the time, and Crowley hadn’t done anything yet. He sneaked out of his room, and closed the door behind him. He took his phone and looked for the anonymous message that had informed him that his worst mistake in his entire life had been done. To his dismay it wasn’t possible to call to this number, it was like it didn’t even exist.

He sighed and made light meal for himself as he thought about Dean. He tried to forget how safe and natural it had been yesterday to seek comfort from Dean. Why hadn’t Dean just pushed him away? And he hadn’t even known what was wrong, he had just held him. He just wasn’t able to tell him what a monster he was, what he had done in his unjustified fury, when he had been nearly feral with rage. He just kept apologizing to him over and over again, without any explanation at all, knowing the words were pointless. No matter how much he looked at Dean and confirmed to himself that he had to be fine, he still felt awfully worried about him.

Castiel couldn’t bare it anymore; he left the apartment and went looking for Crowley- he needed to be sure that Dean would be fine. The corridors were empty at this time of the day, most of them probably enjoying Saturday night out with their friends. Since he had no idea where to look for him he decided to ask Ash. He was nearly there when he heard someone mentioning Crowley’s name behind him. He quickly turned around and found ordinary looking beta male talking with his phone. He patiently waited until the guy was done, and asked if he would know how to contact Crowley. Despite his surprise the guy actually agreed to call him and offered the phone to Castiel, stepping away to give him some privacy.

The time it took Crowley to answer was nerve wrecking, he had just been on the phone, damn it. Castiel nearly gave up until finally there was familiar voice on the phone. “Hello darling, missed me so soon?”

Castiel nearly growled to the phone, “Not him, just borrowing his cell to call you. I’m Castiel Novak, I would like to ask about the deal we made.”

“Everything has been taken care of, you don’t need to worry. I told you it will take time to take effect…”

“No, actually I hoped it wouldn’t. Is there any way to take it back? What did you do to him?” He didn’t bother to hide depression in his voice.

“I’m sorry my darling, but I gave you _exactly_ what you asked for, Dean Winchester broken and in misery, with no change to ever recover. It is done; even I can’t take it back.” There was no regret in his words, no mercy.

“Is there something I could do to make it better for him? To make it easier for him? Will you at least tell me what will happen to him, so I could do my best to help him!” He would pay anything to take it back, but apparently it was first time in his life when he couldn’t buy something with just money. If it would only be possible he would also just take this his misfortune for himself, if he could only spare Dean.

“Do you want to help him and make it easier for him – then it would be probably best if everyone, _including you_ , would remain clueless about histragedy. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you or anyone for that matter, to be aware of his …ahh, complications. If you want, then as sign of good will I can arrange him some warning in near future, so he would be at least aware what to expect and when. It might help him, but I doubt he would read it right now. Do you want me to inform him?”

It was probably the best. It would be only fair to let Dean know whatever was to come to him in his future. Castiel wanted to know too, but held himself back. He hadn’t any right to violate Dean’s privacy anymore (not that he ever had), he had done enough. He smashed his curiosity and agreed. “Please let him know of everything that might happen to him. Anonymously of course, and please make sure that no one will find out about it.” He needed to tell Dean himself, but if he was supposed to remain clueless, then it would be best to be anonymous, until he could explain his actions to Dean in person. He needed to tell Dean everything honestly, he wasn’t afraid what Dean might do to him – Castiel would probably voluntarily help him, he doubted it was possible for someone to hate him more than he already did himself.

“I also would like to ask something else,” he knew it was useless, but there was nothing left to lose, “I want you to search every opportunity or even a slightest change to reverse it.”

“You want me to do research? That’s just plain boring and it wouldn’t fit in the deal. You would need to make new one with new terms.  How long am I supposed to be looking for this imperceptible chance of miracle cure? Why would I even want to do that? “

Castiel smiled _this_ could be solved with money, “Because that would give _you_ the opportunity to learn more about it, in case you need do reverse something like this ever again, and at the moment you could at least find funding for your research. You may need it for future deals. I am willing to pay you for it. The faster you would find the cure the more you would get as reward. If there is nothing to be find in a year, then we could change the terms and I will consider if it is hopeless or not. Until then I would give you 3000 $ a month for thisinvestigation. ” He didn’t bother to bargain, he could afford it and he was loaded. He hoped that Crowley would want to be as almighty as he could and expand his powers so he could make more of those cursed deals.

He could practically feel how Crowley was thinking over this arrangement, “Splendid, I will send him information about his condition in few weeks, and you have my word that I will not let anyone to find out what happened to him. It is more than possible, that everyone will discover truth themselves, but I will not speak of it to anyone. I will begin with your fool’s errand then. How and when are you going to pay?”

“At the end of the each month, you will give me full report and I will send you money, I believe you are perfectly able to find me.” he added dryly. He had no wish to meet him ever again.

The call ended abruptly and Castiel stared at it angrily- as if it was its fault that he had made the deal with the devil. He returned phone to its owner and thanked him for his help.

He didn’t feel any better. How could he? He had been completely useless and Dean _was_ already harmed. He had no idea what was wrong with him and therefore had no clue how to help him right now.

He thought about confessing his awful deal at the first opportunity, but he didn’t find right words to express how sorry he was. How do you even tell someone something like that? It was beyond apologizes and any words he could come up with. It didn’t matter that he desperately wanted to reverse it or let Dean bring him justice. Even if he would let Dean to kill him, it would still be pointless since it was too late to avoid whatever damage he had done to him. He knew he had no hope to ever gain his forgiveness, was well aware that he didn’t deserve it. But there was nothing he needed more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I ran out of pre-written chapters I might not be able to post every day. I think I will post Ch 7 tomorrow if I manage to find time to finish it.( It might not be possible, since I am forced to endure family gathering, which I can't miss.) I do hope to be able to post 2-3 times a week, depending on length of the chapter and how much time I have.


	7. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it starts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this AU, persons scent contains 3 main factors.
> 
> A) scent which is unique to each person, basically your brand mark ( like your name). ( Never changes.)  
> B) pheromones which affect it temporarily and change all the time, depending on persons mood and emotions. ( Shows fear, distress,lust, productiveness, etc.)  
> C) secondary gender indication - Alpha, beta or Omega ( which is always added to the A- factor and merges with it). 
> 
> The last one (C) is the only one, which is rarely affected. For example- alphas can lose their musky scent ( and look like betas) in case of rejection of the mate, illness, etc. It is usually temporary change ( only extreme trauma will affect it permanently.) In this case they may add scent amplifiers to make up for missing "alpha" part.( Depending on the amplifier - it might be almost impossible for others to see the change (expensive ones). Or shitty one- it might smell little off and wears off faster.)  
> Betas are rarely affected at all- mostly their scent just nulls in this case. ( Beta can use amplifier and pass as "alpha", but it usually is pointless since it doesn't last for very long.)  
> Omega's scent may show if they are barren or fertile, rejected omega can sometimes smell like almost beta. Omega wearing "alpha" amplifier may pass as beta, but never alpha.

 

 

Things got awkward with Castiel, ever since the incident earlier, something had changed. Whatever it had been it had changed things completely between them. There were no more pranks, no arguments, not even disdainful glares. His presence seemed to freak Cas out though.  Was this because he was ashamed about their awkward moment, when Cas had nervous breakdown? Whenever he was close to him, or they met in the halls, Cas wouldn’t meet his eyes and Dean could swore that dude got teary eyed each time he tried to talk to him or just asked if he was alright. Few times Cas opened his mouth, as if to tell him something, and then just let out broken sob and fled, before he could actually tell him. Whatever it was what Cas was holding from him, was killing the dude, and Dean felt sorry for him. It made his alpha side nearly insane, whenever he felt his natural instincts kicking in, he was born to protect not stand helplessly beside.

The most dazzling was also the fact, that whenever Cas wasn’t near him he seemed even more miserable. Dean noticed that he didn’t nearly go anywhere anymore, and felt little bad about it, perhaps he shouldn’t have made so many efforts to ruin his possible options of finding friends. He even avoided his siblings, their usual meetings were short and sometimes Cas skipped them entirely. Once he had brought this up with Cas, telling him that he obviously needs help and if he really can’t speak with anyone then he should try professionals. Isolating himself completely couldn’t make his misery any better. What had been even worse were barely noticeable shake and his quiet response “I don’t deserve it”. The totally empty look in his eyes had killed all the possible questions on his tongue.

Somehow they had made silent agreement to avoid this topic, but it didn’t stop the poorly hidden looks they sent each other, whenever they thought other wasn’t paying attention. He tried to shake the worried glances Cas gave him, it made it harder to hide that _he_ wasn’t okay.

Lately he had suspected he was starting to fall ill. His alpha scent was way weaker and much less musky. It was normal to alpha to lose most of his scent during illness, since it made them look less threatening and the chance they got into fight would decrease significantly, it was evolutionary adaptation to protect themselves in such vulnerable state. It had started few days after weekend. He felt weaker- also natural, since body would need more strength to fight the illness, and he was glad the football season was almost over for this year. He didn’t want to miss the practice for something so unimportant like little flu. He needed to finish the last game, there was only one left. So he gritted his teeth and bought some scent amplifier for alphas so no one would suspect anything and he would still be allowed to play. Dean wouldn’t fail his team like that, when they needed him most. The damn thing had cost most of his money so he took some extra shifts at garage to afford it – probably not very wise to overwork, but he didn’t have choice. It covered up most of his softening scent and he wasn’t too weak to play. He was glad that no one noticed and called him out for it.

The next week and a half passed without any more troubles, he barely had free time outside his schoolwork and garage, and it had been huge relief when the last game of the season was finally over. They had won of course, so his efforts hadn’t been useless. Lisa had even asked him out and they were supposed to meet today after school. It had been too long since he last got laid, so he was waiting forward to it. He needed good night out and Lisa was exactly what he needed.

He didn’t try with Anna anymore. He hadn’t known she was Novak, not that he would held it against her. He would have defended anyone from such jerks. It had been nice between them, and there had been alluring pleasant scent on her which he had liked, but it wasn’t more. It wouldn’t be fair to her, since he was actually more attracted to her alpha brother, than herself. His obsession with Cas was still bothering him, each time he thought he will get over it, he found himself daydreaming about blue eyes. It irritated him and he did his best not to worry about Cas’s poorly veiled distress, which agitated his alpha side every time he thought about him.

He waited for Lisa in his Baby, making sure his beloved impala would be in perfect condition. Lisa wanted to try some new restaurant, and he had every intention to take her. This was the first time in his life he might want something more with someone, than just casual hook up. Lisa was nice and charming; he hoped she would be as feisty in the bed. He could see himself dating her and perhaps even mating her one day.

Lisa was wearing gorgeous cocktail dress and Dean suddenly felt too underdressed. His leather jacket wasn’t the newest or best looking one and his blue jeans were torn in few places. It was his normal outfit, but compared to Lisa he looked like he was going to Burger King not to some fancy place. If this bothered Lisa, she never let him know. They ate while talking and though he hated chick-flick moments it wasn’t so bad, especially when he discovered this place had huge pie menu. He devoured his apple pie in few minutes, it was almost comical, but what’s wrong with loving good food? Lisa laughed at him, calling him a pie monster and gave half of her own to him.

It was perfect evening, they made out a lot, and Lisa invited him over. Strangely he didn’t feel in the mood for more, but agreed to go. He didn’t want to leave impression like he wasn’t interested, since he was. She has wonderful hair and those doe eyes, sweet scent…suddenly the last one was off somehow. It wasn’t omega sweet like it should have been - it was still flowery but now it was too sweet and mingled with something sour.  It wasn’t arousing in any way, if anything it was just scent of family member (who he had just pissed off). The more he tried to figure it out he could feel himself getting more turned off by minute. He pulled back, with sigh and let go of Lisa.

“Is something wrong Dean?”

Dean looked at her, she was hot, no doubt but he didn’t feel excited anymore. To his horror he couldn’t even find slightest bit of interest in him. What was wrong with him? Was he still suffering under this damn illness, it was true that his scent was not completely back yet, but he didn’t think it will kill his sexual desire. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” Dean would have liked to die from humiliation, “I guess I’m still little ill, I have not been well for past week and I just…” he sighed and turned away. “ It’s not you.” He hoped it wasn’t. Dean didn’t know for sure if the problem was with him or if there wasn’t just any chemistry between them. It was nearly impossible to sleep with someone whose smell was such turn off.

“You don’t smell off Dean,” the confusion clear in her voice, “Oh, actually you do, I can’t smell you very clearly it is like your normal scent, but there are no hints of your emotions in it.”

“Must be the amplifier I used, I tried to cover up my sickness so I could still play. I didn’t want to be left on the bleachers; I wanted to be part of the game.” He was ashamed to admit it; he hadn’t ever needed to affect his scent before. He was rarely ill, and he felt like he had cheated somehow. But he didn’t feel that bad, there was no reason for him to just stand by and let the others to all the work. He was just little weaker and didn’t reek of alpha pheromones, it didn’t affect his skills, Dean was perfectly capable to play the game. And what if he had wanted nice night out, he still had the stuff, night outside had seemed great idea. He had no idea, that Lisa’s scent would be so off putting.

“Dean! You are ill enough to be missing your scent? You should be in bed and resting, not playing football or working. How do you feel?” Her expression was mix between concern and plain disapproval of his reckless behavior.

“I am fine! This is not serious, I feel fine.” If he repeated the words enough, perhaps she would believe him.

“Dean, I think we should call the night off, perhaps we could do this another time when you are well?” She was offering him an easy way out and he took it, the mood was gone anyway.

“Yeah, I will drive you back and then rest it off. Past weeks have been intense, with all the extra shifts at Bobby’s I guess I’m a bit tired.” The car drive to Lisa’s was spent in quiet awkwardness, to distract himself, he turned on his favorite album relaxing a little with Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble on” in the background. He was grateful when he was finally alone again and didn’t need to worry about the lack of alpha musk in his scent. It wasn’t that rare symptom to illness, but was annoying the hell out of him.

Perhaps he should just spend his evening watching some porn and then taking a nice shower, before heading to bed. Or maybe just grab some beer and more pie re-watching Star Wars over again.

He decided to go for porn and shower to make up for unsuccessful date. He opened his favorite pagebustyasianbeauties.com and searched for his favorite omega porn. He wanted to find his release quickly; he didn’t bother to search for something new.

He clicked on his favorite video, and started to jerk himself, but it didn’t help his sexual frustration at all. He only got half-hard and that was more thanks to his physical touch than watching how pretty blonde omega got knotted by some bulky alpha.

He tried at least 14 his most watched videos and some new ones, with same results. No matter how many omega or beta girls he watched, it didn’t arouse him, didn’t affect him like it always had.  This wasshock – porn had never failed him before. He was furious with his damn illness, if it started to mess with his libido.

He tried to close his eyes, but couldn’t think of anything which would perk his interest. He gave up; there was no point to jerk off if he would have to force his knot by justphysical sensations. Perhaps his disease was more serious than he anticipated.

He took quick shower to wash of this damned amplifier, which might have covered his scent, but of course it didn’t help him with his sickness. He didn’t even know what _it_ was; it didn’t feel like flu or cold, he had never felt so weird before. Dean was fairly certain that he was clean from any sexual disease as he had taken STD test recently, there was no way he would have gotten something after it.

He was too tired to check net for answers so he just went to sleep,  waking up few times to drink, god did he have a fever? His musky scent was barely there, muffled by his sickness. Yep- 102.92, no school for him tomorrow. He could afford to skip his classes since luckily it was almost end of the week. He could miss one day and take whole weekend off to recover.

***

“Dean.” There was someone calling his name, he didn’t care. He felt like shit and wanted to sleep- screw consciousness that’s what he would have said (if he would be awake enough to form a sentence.).

“Dean?” The concerned voice didn’t leave him alone. What the hell did it want, couldn’t it understand that he needed to rest?

“Dean please wake up!”  The insistent voice didn’t vanish.

This time he managed to groan “NO!” There was no way he was getting out of this bed, not ever if possible.

“Are you alright?  Please tell me if something is wrong!” The demand was almost frantic.

Cas- he could name the voice now. And was he alright? No, Dean was fucking sick and tired- the whole room reeked of his disease, couldn’t Cas sense it? He was weak and thirsty, but he doubted he would have the strength to bring some water. He was sure that if he would fight the gravity right now, he would lose pathetically.

“No.” There was no point to deny it seeing as he could barely groan one word. He was sure Cas could smell him already, he was sweating like crazy. His body hurt in weird places; perhaps he _might_ have some sexual disease, why else would he feel like something was twisting hisabdomen and ripping it apart at the same time?

The door swung open and suddenly Cas was standing by his bedside. He looked terrified, did he  really look so bad or was Cas just afraid of  his sickness? “Do you need something?”

“Water.” If he wouldn’t feel like everything was wrenching inside of him he would have laughed at Cas, it was absolutely comical how he nearly _ran_ out of the room to get him bottle of water, like it was his life’s goal to bring him something to drink.

It was awful week, he stayed in bed, skipped school and to his huge surprise- so did Cas. He refused to leave him alone and watched over him. Cas tried to talk him into going hospital, but he refused, Dean didn’t wish to admit that he couldn’t afford it. He was glad he had Cas with him, the dude must have been an angel. Dean was sure that Cas slept behind his door, just in case he would need anything at all. The air was thick with protective alpha pheromones, and if he so much as coughed, Cas would storm in and assist him.

Sometimes when he felt better, Cas tried to talk to him about something, telling him it is important matter, but he told him to stop. If it was stressing ( as it seemed to be if Cas’s terrified face was anything to go by) it was better to wait with it, since he couldn’t deal with it at the moment and if it wasn’t, then it wasn’t worth his attention at the moment. So he told the guy to suck it up and he did.

 It took him whole week to fight this weird virus off, or whatever the hell it was, then most of it vanished as abruptly like it had started. At least the worst of it was obviously over, he didn’t bother to worry too much about minor affects of this damned illness, which were yet todissolve -  he could finally go to classes again. If anyone would ask him- Dean was fine, he was peachy in fact and no one could tell him otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A moment of silence for all the grammar nazis ,who died while reading this fanfiction. I am sorry, but I can't to better at the moment.


	8. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not as good as it was in my head. But no matter what I tried I couldn't find better way either, so here it is.

 

 

Unfortunately this _wasn’t_ a nightmare; with the nightmares there was at least relief to wake up at last and realize it was just a bad dream. Castiel should know, in the past few weeks nightmares were all he had on the rare occasions he actually got to sleep, and they were still better than reality (only because they were not real).

The time between his break down and Dean’s illness had been bad, he had been sure he couldn’t feel any worse- how wrong had he been. Seeing Dean more clearly, now that his blind hatred which had been based on their bad first impression and their mutual fight to get rid of the other had passed, he could finally see glimpses of real Dean, and he actually liked what he saw.

 He desperately wanted to confess and talk to him, but Dean never had time anymore. Sadly Dean seemed so busy, he worked more than normal and practiced very hard for his last game. And few times he tried to tell him, he just ran out of words. What could he possibly say to him? That he was very sorry? – Useless. That he would devote his life if needed to make it up to him? - He will do it anyway, but it doesn’t _fix_ it, nothing will. How to tell someone that you were just a savage, who in complete and unjustified fury had destroyed them without second thought? There didn’t seem to be anything even close to cover it.

If it had been awful time period, only nightmares about hurt Dean and self-loathing. He was a mess, he didn’t wish to see his family, so Castiel had no-one he could talk with. He didn’t have close friends here and the only one who knew about it was Crowley. It was miracle he still could study at all. And it was only start of his downfall.

 The Dean he saw now was so very different from the male-omega hating jerk he had met in the first night. Now if he had change he observed Dean in every opportunity – how had he been so blind before? Dean was nothing, but what Anna and Gabe had claimed him to be. He was womanizer but he wasn’t using them or humiliating them for his own pleasure. He had been amazed when he saw Dean in the city with crying little girl, whose bike had broken. Dean had stopped and fixed it, though it was obvious that he was tired and in desperate need to sleep - he was a kind person in general. It made everything so much worse. To realize that he had ruined someone’s life had been and killing him slowly, but if he actually started to _like_ this person – it was unbearable and it felt like he was dying every day all over again.

His inner conflict was making things even harder for him. It would have been easier to change college, and disappear from Dean’s life- and he would if Dean will ask him to do so, after he tells him everything. Castiel was unsure if going as far away as possible will make any great difference to him at all. Sure it would be easier to be as far of the constant reminder, what he had done, but at the same time he would be in never ending anguish for not knowing how Dean was doing. His alpha was nearly mad now, demanding to stay as close to Dean as possible and protect him for everything – how ironic that he needed to protect Dean from _himself_.

Then Dean fell ill. He had woken in the middle of the night smelling distress and horrible pain in the air. To realize it came from Dean’s room was the worst moment in his entire life (so far – he was sure he was about to discover new limits of his own pain and misery, since Crowley had told him that this it is not the _full_ effect yet, so soon he might have to raise his standards.) When Dean finally allowed him in he was going to break down all over again- only the protective instinct to provide for Dean everything he might need had kept him in action.

He slept on the floor behind Dean’s bedroom door or more like just stayed there and waited for Dean to call him again. He rarely did, he always tried to be tough and only asked for something when he had no other choice. It was frustrating, knowing that Dean was feeling like this and acting like it was no big deal. His alpha scent was so down, that he smelled like beta – it was first sign of serious illness. He begged Dean to let him drive him to the hospital, but he always refused it flatly. He decided to let Dean have his way until he got worse- then he will drive him there by force if needed, he wasn’t going to let Dean’s stubbornness get him killed.

Whenever Dean drifted off again he tried to understand what was possibly wrong with him. Was this some real illness or side-effect of whatever Crowley had done to him? It wouldn’t have changed his behavior any less, but he couldn’t imagine anything which might be happening to Dean. If it were just some illness he could treat him much better, if he would know _what_ was wrong with him. Sometimes when Dean was feeling better he tried to start his confession, but Dean told him to wait until he felt better. Castiel didn’t want to make his discomfort any bigger than it already was so he waited.

It wasn’t only guilt which glued him to Dean’s side. Was he feeling remorseful – definitely, but it wasn’t the _only_ reason to be as close to Dean as he could. It was also the only way to let his alpha side be at least little bit calmer than it was without seeing him. It had never felt such protectiveness and bone-deep need to provide for someone as it did now. His alpha side couldn’t be affected by his guilt -it was _all_ _him_ , for some reason. Castiel knew he had been attracted to Dean the whole time even when they had been fighting, but why did it only grow with every passing moment, _especially now_? Not even the physical attraction itself, but also his instinctual and more emotional side, which always told him to protect his family and loved ones- only this strange feeling was far stronger with Dean than with everyone else, including his family. It didn’t make any sense to him. Why would his animal side be so down-right obsessive over him if it was the _only_ part of Castiel that wasn’t tied to his reasonable thinking and remorse.

 If anything the alpha side was _more_ worked up over Dean’s sickness than he rationally was, and he didn’t think it would have been humanly possible. For Castiel it wasn’t easy- he was worried out of his mind for Dean, he felt every bit of guilt and self loathing he deserved, but he _could_ see that Dean was _not dying_.To his alpha side he might as well have been, since it refused to leave Dean for a moment, his sense of Dean heightened remarkably, being aware of even the slightest changes in his scent. There was no room for guilt in his alpha, only concern and whimpering every time he thought of Dean, begging to be let out. So he stayed with Dean and skipped school – there was no point to go anyway, he would have been too distraught to actually even pretend to study.

One day mysterious package arrived to their room for Dean. Instantly he knew what it was- it must have been all the info he had asked Crowley give to Dean. He forced himself to stay calm and fought his curiosity and didn’t open it, but put it aside for Dean to have once he was better. Whatever it contained was only for Dean to see.

When Dean finally could leave the bed, things had changed once again. His scent was back to almost normal and he didn’t show any signs of his sickness anymore. It was almost like it had never happened. Dean returned to school and his job, but spent notably less time with flirting with pretty omega and beta girls who tried to get his attention. He also tended to rest much more than he used to and spend less amount of time with his closest friends. It only convinced Castiel more that Dean was not alright, though he claimed to be.

This was it, this was finally time to confess to Dean and give him information from Crowley.  He had never been so nervous. What would Dean do? He had no idea how Dean would respond to such vile act and he was prepared to leave this college any moment, he had accepted the idea that he might have to go to prison for a lifetime or tried to figure out and prepare himself for anything else Dean could do to him. He will not try to protect himself or beg for his mercy - he will take whatever Dean will decide to give him, it would be well deserved.

When Dean arrived from his job and had taken his long shower, Castiel finally approached him carefully. “Dean, could you please find some time to talk with me? This is important.”

“Sure man, did something happen? You look like crap.”  Dean seemed to be only half-joking.

He nodded and pointed at their living room couch- this might be very long story or not – depending on when Dean will have enough and throw him out. He shifted uncomfortably and waited for Dean to join him. Dean seemed perplexed, but did sit down to the armchair opposite side from him and waited. “What’s up man?”

He would give anything at all to be able to avoid this conversation, but he has to do this. For a moment he just stared at Dean helplessly and tried to figure out where to start.

“Do you remember the night you took my sister Anna to that club?” That was as good start as any other.

Dean snickered, “This is what got your panties in twist? Jeez, and I was afraid that you will try to have chick-flick moment here with me. And I do not do chick-flick moments.”

Castiel didn’t know what he was supposed to say in response, so he just tilted his head in confusion and waited.

“If you are worried about those assholes, I already took care of them. One of them was brothel owner and he is going to jail for a long time. If you need something for the case then just ask.”

“Well, it is about that night, but it is actually about you not them.” Castiel sighed, this was it, and there was no going back now. “In that horrible evening Gabriel called me and invited me there to see Anna.  I assume it was soon after you carried her there and I was worried out of my mind.” He bit his lip, hoping it would somehow stop the painful story he was telling. “I found her in pretty bad shape, torn clothes, obvious signs of assault and well…your scent all over her.”

Dean just waved him off, “I had to carry her, since she was reeling.”

He blushed, now was _not the time_ to get jealous. “Well, I smelt you on her and I didn’t wait for anyone to explain anything after Gabe told me that her only understandable sentence had been about begging you to stop. I saw red and well went straight after you.”

Dean was obviously confused now, “But you didn’t!  I didn’t see you until next day and then you were just crying mess.”

Castiel had to swallow, he can do this and he _will_ tell Dean everything. Had this always been this difficult to speak? “Well, I was going to burn down your car.” He finally managed to get out, and _this was only his first idea_ , what he had done was far worse, totally unforgivable.

“YOU DID WHAT?” Dean exclaimed. “YOU DECIDED TO HURT MY BABY? IF YOU HARMED HER IN ANY WAY…” suddenly he cut himself off, as another realization hit him. “But impala is fine, I would have noticed if there was something wrong with her.

Castiel could not hold back the tears, which gathered into his eyes. Had it only been the car, then he would at least have change to fix it. If this was Dean’s reaction to the threat to his car, what will he do if he will know the whole story? He lowered his head to hide the tears now freely falling to his face. “I thought you had roofied and raped my sister. I was nearly feral and since we did everything to get rid of each other, I didn’t occur to me for once that you would never to something like this. I truly did believe the worst of you, since I had never seen you as you normally are, only as the hateful roommate I was forced to share room with. “

“Cas, you don’t need to cry over this. If I had thought that anyone had hurt my brother like _this_ , I would have killed them, so as long as my car is fine there should be no reason for you to torture yourself over it.” Dean moved from his seat and carefully lifted his head with his thumb, so he was forced to meet green eyes full of compassion and understanding. He pulled himself away from caring touch, and continued before Dean could interrupt him again.

“There was a man in the parking lot, who talked me out of it. He also offered to destroy you if I wanted it, and I did. I was consumed with burning fury and wasn’t thinking at all. At that moment all that mattered to me was to hurt you as much as I could for ever touching Anna, so I foolishly agreed.” He could barely speak anymore; his voice was weak and failed him occasionally. It felt like his heart was getting digged out with blunt spoon, but somehow he carried on.

“I made the worst deal of my life, to destroy you once and for all, to bring you complete misery for the rest of your life.” Castiel was shaking now, this was it, Dean will kill him now, he was sure of it. What he didn’t expect was warm hand tenderly touching his arm. Startled he looked up to see what Dean was doing.

“Hey, no one makes best decisions in anger, so what did happen? I am obviously fine so it is not done yet, right? And now that you have told me perhaps we could prevent it?” The kindness in his eyes was too much; it was painful since Dean was supposed to look at him only in utter disgust, not like this. Dean was awfully calm yet, of course focused on the same denial and false hope like Castiel had- it had to be reversible right?

“No, Dean.  About an hour after, I got message that said it’s already done. Only then did I learn the whole truth, and find out that you saved my sister. I tried to call it off, to find anything at all to fix it, but there was nothing to be found. Only then I realized what I had done and I broke down when I saw you. “

He forced himself to look Dean into the eyes, “I can never say how sorry I am, or how much I despise myself for it. I do not ask for your forgiveness, since I can never possibly deserve it, but if you ever need anything at all- don’t hesitate to ask. I will try to help you as much as I can, I would do anything to help you, since I can’t make it undone. I did ask the same person to search all the possible ways to fix it, but he doubts it can be done.” he added sadly.

Dean was perfectly still now, all the warmness fading from his expression. But he didn’t look angry yet, more like awfully disappointed, which was even harder to stand.

“I do not know, what has been done to you, since he never told me. It was supposed to destroy you and bring you despair, but I do not know how. He sent this package.” Castiel pulled out the mysterious box and gave it to Dean, who took it face completely blank. “It should explain everything that has been done already or what will happen to you in the future. I do try to find permanent solution to reverse it, but there is unfortunately a change I might never find it.”

“That’s it? You destroyed my life with one hour? Do you really think you could have done something so huge in merely hours? There is a chance that you just got tricked, you know that right?”  Dean asked in disbelief, but Castiel could practically feel how Dean tried to convince himself - he was worried about it. Dean did know that he was not completely fine, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

He lifted his tearful eyes to meet Dean’s, “I could only wish, Dean. I‘m afraid that this is not a joke, but something horrible is truly going to happening to you, whether we wish do deny it or not. I have no idea _what_ or _how_ will happen to you, but I suggest you to open the box and see for yourself. “

He wanted to grab the box and destroy it. To burn it down as it could destroy the deal itself, but instead he watched as Dean carefully put it aside.

“For both of our sakes, I hope you are wrong. “ The pain in his voice didn’t reach his face, impressive attempt to mask how deeply Castiel had hurt him. He clearly tried to look calm and indifferent. ”And all this nursing you did was out of your guilt? Every time you couldn’t meet my eyes just because of it?”

“I did not nurse you _only_ because of my guilty conscience, of course I do feel remorse, more than I could ever tell you, but it’s not only because of it…” Damn, he had spoken before thinking, what was he supposed to tell Dean now? That his alpha side was just going mad in overwhelming needed to protect him for some bizarre unknown reason? That he actually _liked_ him now, since he was not blinded with hatred anymore? It would have been easier if he would only feel guilt for the damage he has done, but it wasn’t. He liked Dean and part of him was still drawn to him, his alpha side was getting more and more obsessed and there was nothing he could do about it.

“So what is the other reason?”  Of course Dean would ask the one question, he didn’t know how to answer to. He had no right to feel this way. He didn’t know _why_ he felt this way at all, well his alpha side of liking – he could see that Dean was kind and beautiful person and it was impossible to not like him as human being. So he gave the only honest answer he had, “I don’t know, I just kind of like you now, that we do not fight anymore. I can see that you are very righteous man, and I appreciate it in others. I couldn’t see it before, since we only showed each other the worst about ourselves, but I can see that if circumstances had been better, I would have liked to befriend you. So against all reason _, I do care about you as a person_ , not only because o my guilt, I wish he could change everything, but I know better.”

Dean gave him weird look, there was strange glimmer in his eyes for a moment and it was gone before he could recognize it, then he suddenly coughed and excused himself.

“Alright, I will open this can of worms now, and then I will decide what to do with you. As long as I don’t know what the hell you did to me, it would be pointless to judge you.  _I do believe you are sorry_ , but I do not know if I could ever forgive you, I guess it depends on this.” He patted the box and turned. For a moment he just stood still and then looked at Castiel once more, “Just so you would know Cas, I do hope that it is not that bad at all. _I don’t want_ to hate you, but I’m afraid I will.” Dean’s voice was strange, as if he was choking on something; it was like he desperately did hope that he wouldn’t have to hate him.

“As you wish Dean, I also hope this is not something as bad, but I do not dare to hope. After you find out the truth it is totally up for you what you want to do with me- I won’t resist. I will do whatever you want me to do.”

Dean nodded and left the room, slamming his door loudly behind him. Castiel just huddled and let out rest of the tears he had been holding. It was done know- Dean will learn the truth and his fate was in Dean’s hands.

There was nothing left to say now…he would just…wait here…then…


	9. The Curious Case of Dean Winchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: John has done some really shit parenting, including physical violence. This chapter is pretty much living hell for Dean - but I will not leave him in misery forever. Things will be even harder for him for a while, but they will eventually get better ( not in this chapter though).

 

 

This couldn’t be true, this had to be some kind of sick joke, there was no way Cas had done something like this, right? Yeah, he would probably kill anyone if he would have thought that they hurt Sammy like this, but still. How could something like this even happen to him? He didn’t deserve it, there was no way the guy could really destroy his whole life permanently with mere hours. He didn’t want to hate Cas, especially right now that they didn’t fight all the time. The worst part was the fact that he could understand losing his temper like that and making hasty horrible decisions, but usually those were poorly planned and therefore failed to do any real damage. Still what could be worse than destroying his Baby? - That had been Cas’s first attempt – pretty good for the guy who didn’t know him very well. Dean would be devastated if anything would have harmed her. This couldn’t be _that bad_ ; all he needed to do was to open the damn box and find out.

He stared at the box; he was terrified what he might find inside. He hated this feeling deep inside his head that kept telling him, that this was going to change his life forever, and not for better. He had felt changes in few weeks, the strange things he was ashamed and frightened about, but couldn’t explain.

 He couldn’t pop a knot anymore, and it was frustrating - no amount of porn could make him exited _and the ones which did-_ he was even _more_ scared about _those_. He avoided chicks since he didn’t want to be in another incident like with Lisa- he wouldn’t get it up and would have to hide beneath his illness once more. His scent had never returned- it was as if he had suddenly lost all his alpha musk and was just an ordinary beta, with weird stomach aches. He bought another one of those amplifiers – he didn’t want anyone to know that he wasn’t okay. And the worst of all – dreams. The nightmares that haunted his every waking moment were definitely the absolute worst part of all. He started to dream of _men_. There were moments when he fucked other guys and once he had been a _bottom_. The last one had been absolute hell, since it had been his first orgasm in weeks. Was he turning into gay? Was this even possible? What would his father say? No this wasn’t even the real question – what would his father _do_ -was much more like it.

With trembling fingers he carefully removed the package and opened it. There was just a book and note.  He read the note first; just a web link to some weird site, with one sentence.

_Care to chit-chat? - It will help to explain things._

Then he looked at the book title, “The curious case of Dean Winchester”. Really funny, he knew for sure he wasn’t going to de-age and be teenager again. The binding was professionally done and it was about 150 p long in total. Seriously what the hell? How to ruin your life for dummies?

 The moment he opened the very first page he couldn’t hold back a scream that escaped from his throat. In the table of contents, the very first thing he saw – Alpha to omega 101, was enough. This couldn’t be…

He couldn’t help it, he burst into the tears – perhaps first time in his entire life, he cried for himself. He was turning into…into... _that thing_ … couldn’t be true, please no. Death would have been mercy. He couldn’t be one of those…Dean was not meant to be a bitch. He can’t bend over for someone and beg to be fucked for the rest of his life. He wasn’t even into men…

It hit him like a ton of bricks- the dreams, the changes in his sexual preferences, the missing scent, useless dick without a knot, stomach aches. He _was_ turning into one of the things he had been taught to hate most. He couldn’t even imagine what to do now.  Everything he _had_ everything he _was_ …everything he had ever been or could ever hope to be - it was all lost with one moment. There was absolutely nothing left for him, no hope, and no future. He will lose his family and everything he held dear. Dean knew too well what his father would do – disown him immediately and sell him to the highest bidder. With his luck it wouldn’t even be some arranged mate, but straight to the whorehouse.

His whole life his father had made one thing very clear. Male bitches were worth nothing more than just a hole to be fucked. Once as a child he had been worried what would happen if Sammy would present as one, he had asked carefully what dad would do. His father had told him  ( after hitting him for daring to even ask), that he would never sell son of his own, but as no male bitch will never be part of his family, he would do what needed to be done, of course. And in John’s views the only thing male bitch was good for was selling them off. And now _Dean_ was turning into one.

Was everything his father had told him about male omegas true? As a kid he had dared to ask, but after his father beat shit out of him, he quickly learned that there was only one truth in his world- his dad’s. He hadn’t questioned it for years. Once as a horny teenager, soon after he had presented, he had made this fatal mistake once. The smell of the omega had been irresistible and he had kissed him- just wanting to try it. When John found out… –well, once he was out of ICU, he never made same mistake ever again.

John told him all about male omegas then- how they were just needy spineless creatures, who lived to be fucked full of spawns. That they were Satan’s creatures, only created to allure alphas into their trap and let them mate with them, to produce more scum like themselves. John had told him, that it was fine to treat them however he wanted since they weren’t like other humans – they actually needed to be fucked and they liked it. That those creatures would do anything for a good knot and that’s the way it was best for everyone - to sell them to pimps, so they could have as many knots as they wanted and their families could be free of their burden.

He couldn’t go home ever again; he didn’t want to be fucked by every damn alpha in the world, like his father had told him male omega would want to. Was this going to happen to him? Will his whole being change into mindless fucking machine? Dean _was_ going to be fucked if John would find out about him, literally. John will sell him to somewhere, and then he would be forced to be sex slave as long as anyone would want to fuck him. He didn’t (at least not yet) want to be fucked by anyone. It was true that his dreams were now filled with guys instead of chicks, but he would never let himself get that far! Dean would never want to be fuck toy for everyone who has a knot, he didn’t feel like he would want to be filled with the  “devil’s spawns” so he could lure some careless alpha to mate him.

Dean will never see Sammy again, this hurt even more than thought what might happen to him. His brother would despise him, well perhaps not, Sammy had always been skeptical about his father’s truths, but wasn’t stupid enough to voice it in their home. Perhaps if he could hide his new nature, he could win Sammy over, so he at least wouldn’t hate him. If he could hide what he was going to be long enough, he could prove his father wrong and Sammy could see that he is still Dean - as much as there is left of him.

Of course John must never find out or this all would be over. He had to be extra careful in the garage in the future. It was full of alphas and if he couldn’t hide his new scent he would be outed. That was suddenly his biggest problem of all. How the hell was he supposed to hide something like this? He knew nothing about male omegas, about their…um, needs.

Dean forced himself to read the damned book, which was supposed to explain things to him. Everything was even worse once he started reading. There was lot about science crap, which used fancy words about how his body was programmed to lose all his alphaness and then how his brain was tricked into believing as he was still un-presented. There were about 6 chapters about how some shitty illegal hormones were activated to turn him into omega.

This explained everything too clearly, all of the changes which were going to happen to him. Few of the changes he was already familiar with – scent change, sexual orientation change, losing an ability knot. Those were things he had already felt affected with. But worse was yet to come, it explained that he was growing a damn vagina into his butt! No wonder he had horrible stomach aches and his insides were twisting every now and then. In near future he should expect to start producing slick and in few months when his body would be ready to carry a child (he was about to vomit at this point) he will have full blown heat. His seed will turn infertile, since he would have another way to produce offspring then.

His instincts were about to change and he might be starting to feel unsafe and vulnerable. He would be developing completely new senses including need to be protected and _need to obey his alpha, to seek his praise and wish to please him_. To his complete horror there was extra chapter about alpha-alphas, which made things even more dreadful. The chapter was foggy about the differences between normal alpha change and alpha-alpha change. There was also another note there saying- “ _That is what link is for”_.

He felt sick, there was nothing he would have wanted to do less than open this damn thing, but he did. To his surprise there was only video call button, but he pressed it. Soon a strange man appeared on the screen wearing a black suit and smirked to him.

“Hello dear.”

“What have you done?” he growled, if he could he would strangle the man right now.

“Just like I thought - no manners at all. Hello Dean, you may call me Crowley.” The man greeted him calmly. “As the answer to your question - are you illiterate? The book explains most of it. I thought that even you with your ape brain you would be able to understand this much. But in case you didn’t – don’t worry you will realize it when your heat hits and you are begging to be filled- there is no way you will miss _that_ , even if you somehow have managed to fail to see all the changes you are going trough right now.” The man smirked at him and lifted his eyebrows in suggestive manner.

“I get that.” Dean was about to crash the screen and hunt the guy down, he only needed to know how to find the asshole. “Give me one good reason _why_ I should bother to listen to you instead of killing you?” He meant it; he will never let the guy get away with this. This dude was perhaps even guiltier than … Cas had been unaware what he had done _exactly_ , and Cas…Shit, he couldn’t think about Castiel right now, he had ruined his whole life and intentionally or not- that was unforgivable. He will deal with him once this dude was taken care off. But if it wasn’t for this man -  Cas would have just burned town impala – and yes, he couldn’t believe he was even thinking this, it would have been _better_ if it had been just his baby, he could have fixed her.

“Maybe you should go with plan D,” for “Dumbass”? “The man was totally unaffected and unimpressed with his threat. “Right now I am _only_ hope you have got to ever find a miracle cure at all – and Castiel is paying me generously to find anything that might help you. Blue eyed dude was almost frantic in his need to “fix this”. I didn’t have heart to refuse him this fool’s errand – so I agreed to look for a way to reverse it, as much as I doubt that there is any way for that. _But if there is any way at all_ – then I’m your best bet. Feel free to look for me, and destroy your last bit of hope in progress.” man smirked at him.

Dean deflated; as much as he hated to admit it; if the guy was right then he would destroy his last chance to be normal ever again. Even if it was just a sham, he couldn’t just overlook this fact and act out of anger. Dean couldn’t _afford_ to be furious and revengeful right now, so he forced himself to calm down as much as he could.

“Now that you are more civilized, how about little talk? Just hear me out and then I’ll leave you alone.”

He managed to nod; Dean needed to know what else could affect him or if he should be warned about more details- like this alpha-alpha change thing, which the book had been extremely vague about.

“Talk.”  He didn’t bother to elaborate.

“Well, you are obviously going to be turned into very delicate creature. I assume you are aware that you will end up as a male omega. I assume you are not going pronounce it to the world? ”

Dean stared at him in disbelief, “Why should I believe that you would even want to help me with this? Why would you care if anyone finds out or not, isn’t this what this cursed deal was all about?”

“Actually deal was indeed all about it, but Castiel insisted on new one. He asked me to _help_ you as much as I can, to do everything to make it easier for you. And I’m perfectionist about my deals – I will always keep them. I assume you do not wish to be outed as an omega?” Crowley gave him once over, “No? Then it would be best if you would just listen to me so I could _try_ to help you, like I promised.”

“I don’t want your he-…”

“Want it- I don’t assume you do. Need it? – Desperately. Are you willing to hear me out or not?”  There was no room left to argue.

He hated it, every fiber in his body wanted to deny it. Dean didn’t like to admit he will _need_ help. And as he was absolutely nothing now ( or will be in near future), and probably without family and education (he will likely lose his scholarship), it wasn’t perhaps the best time to be too proud to accept this little aid he might got, however unwanted was its source.

“Good boy. Now you do know that your scent is changing. It will be your biggest giveaway in every situation and easiest way to get busted. Since male omega’s scent is that much stronger than females you are going to need a lot of scent blockers and fake alpha musk. Scent amplifier will work only as long as you are in this “beta” stage in transformation. Soon it will be barely able to pass you as beta, and never while you are in heat. It would get a lot of attention if alpha-alpha was suddenly missing all his scent and you would get outed.”

Dean froze- he was dead. He didn’t have money to cover both – blockers and fake alpha musk. If his scent will get stronger and he would need them – he would be barely able to afford those two. But then there was this omega/heat thing – and he would still be discovered, because those did nothing about that. Omegas also needed something to prevent their cycles and birth control.

“But the suppressants – aren’t those going to covering my scent enough?” He hated it. The very idea that he will have to go into the heat and burn in horny need to get fucked was horrible. He _had_ to get some suppressants, but this was going to be tricky without recipe – all omegas needed to be checked and have doctor’s permission. And as far as he knew they were forbidden in the first year after presenting. He had no idea how to get them, without prescription.

“Ahh…you can’t have them. See, _this_ is the worst part about your new gender. You are not going to be _just any other omega_. If you would have been just an alpha – you would end up as normal male omega. You could use heat suppressants and birth control, find a good fake knot for your heat and pray no one will ever find out. _Your_ case is much more complicated.”

Deanblanched, what did he mean by “any-other-omega”? There were two options right? Male and female – he couldn’t possibly mean that he will also turn into female? _That_ would be impossible to hide.

“For changing alpha-alpha, much stronger doze of this drug is needed, and your body is still all aboutextremums. Just as you were the strongest and alphast –alpha before, you will still be different from others from your own gender, in this case – omegas. You will turn into … Well there is no official term, but I guess you could call it something like “super omega”.

“WHAT?” This time he yelled. There was _no_ such thing. How was it even possible? What would this even mean?

Crowley waited until he finished trembling, “It will mean that no suppressants will work on you also any birth control. Your body is made to be _perfect_ omega – pretty much dream of every knot head, the very _definition_ of the one. You are going to be extra sensitive, your smell will be far stronger and intoxicating, your instincts will be keener than any others. No toy could ever relieve your needs – unlike normal bitch, you will actually _need_ to have thick alpha knot in your ass while you are in heat- it might put your health at risk otherwise.

Dean let it all sink in. He was _still_ going to end up as fuck toy if he wanted to stay healthy? There was no way to avoid his heats with suppressants and no birth control- will he be knocked up for the rest of his life- just a living baby factory for some nameless alpha?

“I’m gonna be pregnant for the rest of my life, and I have no way to avoid it?” he blurted out without meaning to. He couldn’t help tears which started to gather behind his eyes. Was this yet another mark of what he was going trough – turning into huge crybaby? Dean’s life was over; he was truly just a broken toy now, a broken shell to be fucked to.

“No, it’s more like fact that it is entirely up for the alpha _if_ he wants to breed you or not. As I said before - _perfect_ omega – if the alpha just wants to use you and share you- they will just need to forbid you to get pregnant. Your inner omega is so desperate to follow every command, that it will overshadow your biology, preventing any unwanted pup. And if the alpha wants to get you knocked-up, your body can go to heat almost instantly, to please your master. As long as you are unmated you will be target of all the alphas, since you are nearly irresistible – you are made to be perfect alpha magnet.

Once you are mated, only your mate has any hold over you – as flawless mate you will never fail him or be untrue. You would be bound to your mate only, and he will be the only one to have any power over you. Your scent would turn unpleasant for others and you don’t feel compelled to answer every alpha’s orders anymore.

You will need all the help you can get Dean, there is no way you will not end up in the brothel otherwise. Your new nature is going to be almost impossible to hide, and it will beunattainable without allies, however unwanted they may be.

Dean was going to throw up. There was no way to describe how awful and broken he was. There was absolutely nothing left for him except life in agony. He is going to kill Castiel, there was no way he could ever even look at him again without utter repulsion. He will make him pay for everything he has done to him- the guy had even allowed it. He will take him apart piece by piece until there was nothing left at all. He could to every awful thing to him and he could still be angry – it wouldn’t be enough. This is why Crowley’s next suggestion took him completely aback.

“And at the moment, your _only_ way to survive is to stay as close to your roommate alpha as you can.”

That’s when Dean lost it, “NO! I WILL NEVER TOLERATE TO SEE HIM AGAIN, HOW THE FUCK TO YOU EXPECT ME TO STILL STAY WITH HIM? I SHOULD DESTROY HIM, MAKE HIM PAY! – HE EVEN GAVE HIS PREMISSION. I INTEND TO HOLD HIM TO THAT. I WILL TEAR HIM APART RATHER THAN SEE HIM EVER AGAIN…!”

“Your own funeral.”

“WHAT?”

He was blinded with rage, there was no way in fucking hell; he will NEVER agree to stay with Castiel. The only reason he could stay in the same apartment would be so he could cut his throat while he sleeps…not so bad idea actually.

“And what is your brilliant plan, dumbass? Forcing him to leave? How long do you expect to live there without another alpha challenging you for this right? How do you plan to avoid attention if you willingly leave your room by your own will- alpha Dean would never do that! Boom- your cover is blown!”

Fucking cocky, smug bastard! Of course it wasn’t enough to leave it only to that, he just had to add more shit, didn’t he? Each argument was like dagger to him.

“And how long do you expect to hide your gender for your new roommate? Those have only _one_ room, you know? Being in the same room with completely stranger alpha- great job, nothing can go wrong, right? Joining one of your friends- they know you best- they WILL notice and soon will others. Staying with Novak is the _only way_ you _may_ be able to hide yourself. You can leave college of course, but where would you go? Do you have family who will protect you? You are perfect victim for all the alphas out there - they will want you and they will try to get you. You are _lucky_ if you end up mated to some asshole, much more likely they will realize how rare you are, and you will most likely get yourself kidnapped and end up serving alphas for the rest of your life.”

Dean didn’t know which was worse, the truth itself or the fact that he didn’t have any other choice. He couldn’t do _anything_ to Castiel, since Crowley was right about everything. He didn’t have any family who could or would protect him – hell his father would sell him off himself. If he changed rooms – he will get attention and sooner or later he will be outed. He will not be able to stay in this apartment – he would lose the fight against any alpha who would challenge him. It was hell- he couldn’t live with Castiel, but at the same time he was his only hope to hide. His only prospect to make it was taking the risk and choice to believe that Cas wasn’t lying about “I will do anything for you” part. He had to hide what he was from Cas too, but they were at least in separate bedrooms. If Cas ever will find out about him- well, Dean could only hope that Castiel was as sorry as he claimed himself to be, and hide his secret.

“So I am supposed to stay here and do _nothing_? Let myself turn into _this_? That I should leave Castiel _unharmed_ for this? That I should try to be as close to him as possible and act like _fucking nothing is wrong_?” The _hell_ he will, he will show Castel at every opportunity just how much he loathed him. But he _couldn’t_ really do anything about it, and it was killing him.

“Yes, you will stay with him if you don’t want to end up in some dump. You can of course ask for his favors – I doubt he will deny you anything in his power. You could use him as your shield; under his protection you are safest for now. He is alpha-alpha like you used to be; it is not likely someone could beat him if he will be challenged for the apartment and as long as no one knows about you – no one will be fool enough to think he could win against two alpha-alphas. Also as Novak he has a lot of influence, you _could_ ask him to fix your scholarship problem for example, without outing yourself. He is your only chance to make it.”

It was awful; he didn’t really have any choice, did he? He will turn into some super bitch and he could never go home again. He needed to stay in college as long as he could, so he will have time to figure out _what_ to do with remains of his life now. He didn’t wish to end up on wherever he was going to end up if he went home or got caught. The best he could to was to hide as well as he could- something he had never needed to do before. How could he even pretend to be alpha anymore?

“How is the best way to cover my changes?” It wasn’t like he could just hide in his bedroom forever; he needed to go to work and classes. He had to prove to himself, that he was still the same person inside, that male omega _could be_ good for something else than his father had taught him. And he needed money, to cover all those extra expenses he needed to do just to cover his scent. He could ask Castiel of course- demand huge compensation from him, but he didn’t want to go to this asshole for anything. He didn’t want to ask his help- to make him believe like he had succeeded to break him or that he was “ _fixing_ ” it by offering his hand. The more this son of a bitch suffered the better. Asking for his money (if he would even give it to him), could only show the jerk that he was accepting his help and this douche bag might start to feel like he was redeeming himself.

And he was terrified what he might to do him if Castiel will find out about his new gender. He was still alpha, who will be sharing living quarters with omega. Yes, they still had different bedrooms- thank god for that.  Hiding was going to be hell – but like Crowley had pointed out- the other rooms were only with one bedroom, and living with whichever alpha, was even more dangerous. He could ask Benny or something, but it will draw attention to him- why would alpha-alpha willingly leave his current apartment? And he wouldn’t be able to fool his friends for long anyway. Hell he had to avoid his friends and schoolmates at all costs if he could. The football season was over, so he had few months to find some excuse to quit team (and by some miracle find a way to save his scholarship in progress.) He could take more shifts at work, which will give him evasion from meeting his buddies. No drinking after work hours or going to clubs for a good poker night – it would be too easy to slip. No chicks – sex was out of the question now, it would be impossible to hide if he would leak damn slick from his hole. Basically he will just need to outlaw 90% of his personality.

“You are going to need scent blockers – the stronger the better, the ones which affect only gender definitionessence, not your personal scent. Scent amplifier will work only as long as you are in this beta stage, which should be over by the end of this week. From then on, your best bet would be drowning yourself in fake alpha-alpha scent perfume, which might be pricy and it will never be completely right. “

“I can’t afford all that! And I can’t possibly hide forever like this!” This was hopeless, how the hell could he hide something like this 24/7? He could use that stuff while he was at school or work, but what happened if he would sleep and suddenly ran out of it – Castiel could smell it with his keen alpha nose, and he didn’t know what he would do to him then.

Crowley remained undisturbed, “You can always ask for money from your rich roommate, seeing how far he is willing to go by chasing anything to reverse it or help you – he will give you what you will need. It shouldn’t be problem to him to buy you fancy ass care facilities.”

Dean was about to protest, he didn’t want to get anything from Cas. He couldn’t show Castiel just how well he had succeeded to break him and turn his life into living hell. Why the hell the dude did even pretended this “I will do my best to find anything that might help you, Dean” attitude? Why had he insisted on turning Dean into damn omega if he was so desperate to find “miracle cure”? Why should he believe that he actually wanted to “fix” this? He did this to him! It wasn’t like Dean could _actually_ turn him in. If he will confess what Castiel had done to him, Dean would be outed for the case. And then it would be a homeless (John will make sure of that) male omega against rich Novak alpha –alpha. There was no guarantee that Cas would even be in jail for long, and Dean will be in center of attention as male bitch – he wasn’t that stupid.

There was absolutely nothing he could do, without putting himself into greater danger. Hell, even worse- his mortal enemy was now his _only_ hope to stay hidden. One wrong move or one decision and Cas could bail him out- if he discovered that Dean was a bitch now. If Castiel was as sorry as he claimed to be then there was faith that he will try to help Dean when he would find out, instead of telling everyone or using him like toy. He had seemed to be one of those people who didn’t think that male omegas were just a trash- so there _might_ be chance that he will agree to protect him. And if he will threat to reveal his secret- Dean would repay the favor and try to charge him.

“Why do you think he might even want to help me? He did this to me, he asked me to be turned into bitch so he could destroy my life. Why should I trust that he or even YOU would protect my secret?” The answer wouldn’t change anything, since there was actually no guarantee that they _will try_ to keep it down.

“Oh, you forget that he just asked me to destroy you – he was so furious and nearly feral, it was easy to offer him a deal. I saved your car from burning down and made a better offer, promising I could help him. He took it like a child takes candy- didn’t ask what was going to happen after deal was done. What _I did to you_ was entirely my own choice, I doubt that naïve alpha could have actually ever even thought of something like this, he would never dream this big. As for _why I did this_ – I had my own reasons for that. And it fit the deal – you are in misery aren’t you? I always do my best efforts to keep the deals.”

Well, Cas didn’t ask for _this_ exactly, but it didn’t change fucking anything. It didn’t matter if he would never had even thought about something like this- he had destroyed his life, whether or not he knew _how_. But Crowley had done this on purpose- he was as much to blame or even more. If it wouldn’t be for him, Cas would never have done the deal, Crowley could have done something else, he didn’t need to turn into damn bitch! He was even worse than Castiel, who had been feral unthinking idiot, but not as bad as Crowley. At least he _could_ believe that Castiel perhaps felt remorse (not that it will ever change anything between them, this was _unforgivable_.) But Crowley- it was Crowley’s idea to turn him, to carry out his plan like this. And he didn’t have any regrets at all – he was only offering his help because Castiel made a deal to “fix” it. The moment it would be useful for him- he would rat him out.

“And why should I trust you to keep it secret? You are much more to blame for this! Why would I believe that you will not out me? - That you will try to help me at all?”

It was miracle he didn’t yell. He wanted to kill that fucking leprechaun and send him to hell where he belonged. He would have liked to salt and burn his bones and dance on his fucking grave. Unfortunately if he was hired by Castiel to find a way to really fix him- he couldn’t risk killing him. He knew _exactly_ what had been done to him and therefore also the best chance to find something, even if he believed it to be impossible. And if he was so studious to make perfect deals- he was probably telling the truth and _trying_ to find a way. Doing something, which was considered unthinkable, would probably make his damn life.

“I told you- I try to keep my deals. At the moment Castiel made a deal to help you and he is refunding research to find a way out. So if there is one - _I do_ intend to find it. So here I am, trying to warn you and help you, so you won’t end up in the rock bottom. This could actually be much worse –you could have ended up serving alphas for the rest of your life. Turning you into the male omega itself isn’t the worst thing I could have done, you are lucky Castiel so quickly demanded another deal, since my original plan involved to bail you out and make a lot of money from selling the perfect male bitch. The one who could go into heat on merely an order, one who could be fucked without fear to knock him up unless alpha wants to, your alluring scent and everything- with your looks I would have made a fortune.” Crowley gave him fake smile. “From the goodness of my heart I took another deal and promised to do my best to help you. I can’t keep my deal if I do that – this is the only reason, and _utmost assurance_ , that I will not try to harm you anymore.”

Dean calmed down a bit- he believed the guy. Dude was almost fanatic about doing his damned deals. Perhaps he _could_ find a way out, while he was living in hell with devil as a roommate. There was nothing he could do to pay back either to Crowley or Castiel, without making matters much worse for himself. He needed to hope for Castiel’s protection, even if he would find out about him (he hoped he wouldn’t – that would be awkward.) His fate was literally in the hands of his worst enemies, and there was nothing he could do about it.

“We are done for today.” Dean wasn’t going to get better answer anyway. He will just have to take this risk and believe that he was keeping this deal as well. Without saying goodbye he closed the laptop and fisted his hands. He wanted to be able to express his fury. To tear apart those who had done this to him, but he couldn’t. He was forced to play by their rules and suppress every piece of his own feelings, acting like he was fine.

He _will_ share the room with Cas, while trying to hide his gender from everyone. He would have to take double shifts at work so he could afford all those scent blockers and fake musk. Asking Castiel for help would be his last source – but he would have to take it if he will not make it without. He will make himself so busy with work that he would barely have time to spend with his friends and therefore he should be safer, since they were less likely to discover his secret. He had until spring to figure out how to save his scholarship and probably needed to figure out how to live as omega. And most of all -he needed to avoid his family –especially his father.

 It wouldn’t fix anything. It was not a life he wanted to live, but it _was_ better than ending up as toy for every alpha willing to pay. There was practically no hope that he will ever be alpha again. He wanted to go and give Castiel a hell of his life, but it would be pointless- he wouldn’t be able to beat alpha-alpha anymore – it would only be pity win.

 _He will need to act like it had never happened. -_ It was cruelest thing of all. Not only had he been annihilated- he was completely powerless to do anything or show it at all.

Seeing no way out of this inferno, he finally allowed himself to cry. He was terrified about his nonexistent future, his awful dependence on his worst enemies, and horror what will happen to him, if anyone would ever find out.

After he had thrown every bit of furniture in his room around, trashed all the items he could find, and screamed on top of his lungs – unable to satisfy any of his burning fury, he crashed to the bed exhausted – even the nightmares were more welcome than his new reality.

Dean Winchester was in hell.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, this is NOT going according to my plan at all. I had it all figured out. And then out of nowhere I was completely taken aback by new plot twist idea, which should happen in chapter 11. It was so unexpected to me that I literally had to re-arrange the whole storyline.


	10. The things you can never have

 

 

Everything was different now, there was no point in his future, or there didn’t seem to be one. Castiel doubted he could live with himself after what he had done in this one moment he had lost control. He wasn’t living right now he was just existing - waiting to be disembodied. Just one night, one moment of consuming rage, and he had managed to destroy everything he had ever fought for. He could hardly admit it to himself. He had always tried to be caring and passionate alpha- the one who will always protect the others, no matter their gender. Of course he didn’t like everyone he ever met, but he tried to be polite and understanding. And it was _he_ , who had done something irreversibly horrible, to another person.

It had been few weeks since he had given Dean this box, whatever had been inside was much _more_ awful than he had dread in his nightmares. _Dean didn’t do anything_. He didn’t order him to give himself up, or didn’t even hit him – Castiel had asked him if he should give himself up, or leave Gnosis forever or do anything at all. But that had gotten the weirdest reaction of all. Dean had looked like he wanted to show him the way out himself- through the 7 th floor window, not that he could blame him. But instead he had told him impassively, that he will not leave this room or college, that he will stay with him and will do everything he can to find solution.

Castiel didn’t understand why would Dean ask to stay with him- he was sure he loathed him, Dean didn’t bother to hide that much. Surely seeing him every day had to be unbearable for him, but it wasn’t his place to ask any questions. Perhaps Dean just wanted him to see every day what he had done to him, a constant reminder of this one time he had ever lost control.

 It was working of course- there wasn’t a moment of peace left for him anymore. He barely slept or ate; he drowned himself to his studies – making it his escape world. On free time he made plans for future, he dreamed that one day he will found organization, which would focus on helping abused alphas and omegas. He had never much thought that alphas could be victims as well. Violence against the omegas was wildly known and there were many shelters made for them, but alphas- they had nowhere to turn to.  It was frowned upon if alpha had to ask for help, but after what he had done to Dean, he wanted to provide this opportunity for other misfortunate humans. It will never make things better for Dean nor himself (it will not change anything about what he had done), but perhaps he could give others some hope.

He forced himself to meet his siblings, but remained reserved and distant whole time. Anna was worried about him, saying that no matter what was eating him can’t last forever, and that he should let it go. He didn’t bother to tell her how wrong she was, that there were things that you can never truly move on from. Gabriel had tried to invite him to the more parties, which he never accepted. No matter how much they tried to find out what was going on with him, he refused to share. It was only his cross to bear, and when they finally gave up and suggested therapist, he had nearly laughed. He didn’t _want_ to get better anymore, he deserved to feel every nightmare and painful thought which haunted himinfinitely.

So here he was, suffering in his own personal hell and trying to figure out if there was anything he could do, to help Dean. He had called Crowley again and asking about progress – so far it was total disappointment, but it had only been 3 weeks.

He was clueless how to act around Dean now, he was well aware that Dean didn’t wish to see him at all, but at the same time he refused flatly all his suggestions to move out or do something about it, without any explanation. Whenever they met in their apartment he hid into his bedroom, and waited until Dean had finished whatever he was doing and only when Dean had finished he let himself out. He avoided using kitchen and living room at the same time- often taking snacks in the middle of the night so Dean wouldn’t have to see him at all. Luckily they had two bathrooms with two doors- he could use his own and enter it from his bedroom. He suspected that Dean sometimes deliberately left TV on or spent so much time there- more than before, so Castiel would need to hide and wait, but he didn’t mind. It was the only reaction, besides killing glares and fisted hands and on rare occasions deadly voice, that he got out of him.

Why did Dean insisted on him staying was beyond his understanding. He would have left on the moment’s notice, he would have given himself up and he would have given Dean the money for his own deal if he would want – so he could get his revenge. Whatever Dean would ask from him – he would agree, but there was _nothing_. It made it somehow much worse. Only truly broken person could gave up like that, whatever had been done to Dean- it was something beyond horrible.

Dean avoided his all of his friends; he worked every night long shifts and never laughed anymore. Whenever he saw him around in school, it was clear that he was hiding beneath his mask. He had overheard his friends mentioning it few times, something about family problems and lots of work, but he knew better. Few times his fried Benny or something, had came to their room to invite Dean out on Friday night, but Dean had declined, excusing himself and bringing up his lack of sleep. It was amazing how much he was aware of Dean, since they hardly interacted.

He had taken aback, when Dean decided to stay in college for Thanksgiving – it stand out to him, since it was clear that Dean missed his little brother, he had called him many times, but had refused to go home no matter how much his brother asked him for. He had even heard that he didn’t wish his bro to visit him, since there was no need to travel so far for him, no need to spend useless amount of money on travelling. Was this about money? He knew Dean worked so hard, so perhaps it was, but he could just ask for it. If he didn’t know any better he would have offered it to him, but the Dean he knew would never accept it- especially not from him. He didn’t expect Dean to ask his help for anything; that’s why it had been huge surprise when week before Thanksgiving Dean just walked into his room.

“I need you to cover for me.”

Castiel was completely lost, but he would never refuse Dean, “Of course, what will you need?”

“I need you back me up when my brother will ask your confirmation about the lie I told him. He knows me too well I am afraid, and insisted on visiting me. I can’t see him right now, so I told him we are both infected with stomach virus and can’t leave our room. If I know him at all, he will call you and wish to talk to you too, so I need you to play along.”

Why would Dean want that? But it wasn’t his place to question it, so he agreed. As Dean had predicted, there was a phone call – to his personal number to his huge surprise. He had no idea how Dean’s brother had gotten his number, but he told him what Dean had asked him to. He was horrible liar, but it was easier to fake illness on phone. After the call ended he had somehow managed to convince him, that they were really sick and just wasn’t shape of visitors. But it only made things so much worse.

Why couldn’t Dean see his family? Was this because of what had happened to him? Dean seemed scared, like every bit of human contact could be a ticking bomb, which had to be avoided. He couldn’t help but wonder, what could be so monumental; that alpha-alpha, the strongest man he had ever seen would be so terrified. And once he found out- he wished he had never been born.

***

It started slowly, almost unnoticeable, but he started to pick up little weird things, that Dean tried to hide. Once they had collided in their entry and something fell from Dean’s pocket, he recognized it instantly- scent blocker. Dean panicked when Cas picked it up and returned it to him, like it was agrenade about to explode.  If nothing happened, he all but ran to his room and didn’t leave it until next evening. Was he still ill and tried to hide it? Alphas needed to cover and affect their scents only when they were seriously ill. Had Dean been infected with some incurable disease? He felt nauseous thinking about that possibility. Then he forgot it for while as in the first time in forever, something else besides Dean was finally getting his full attention.

It was in mid December, when his bathroom broke, and he needed to use Dean’s. It was in the middle of the night and there was no one he could inform about this defect before the morning. So he sleepily wandered in and was awake in instant. He had never shifted to his full alpha mode so quickly. Every rational thought disappeared at once as his alpha took over completely, screaming in his head only most important commands – _mate, claim, knot, breed_. He could see the red in his eyes from the mirror and he sniffed the air, trying to locate the source of the scent. It was weak- as it had been several days old, but he would have known _that_ scent anywhere.

He had heard stories of course, but he had stopped believing in them long time ago. It was just a fairytale which parents told to their children, stories about true mates, who were supposed to be made for each other. The fit so perfect, that no other could ever replace it. As a child he had dreamed of finding a true mate and creating a family with them, living happily ever after. Later he dismissed it as an old myth, just another thing those romantic novels were so fond about. 

It had been debatable, if there even was such thing at all. The profound bond between them, rumored to be beyond any other, and exceeding all that was known to science so far. There had been unexplainable side-effects with such bond, but no actual evidence, since it was so rare it was usually considered just a myth.

Castiel didn’t need any information from scientists to know what was happening, his natural instinct telling him everything he needed to know. His knot was already formed and he was coming in his pants like teenager, he could feel how his alpha side was dissolving for a moment, and then returned differently. Where before had been always present part of him, which was consistently looking for suitable mate, was now new bond tying him to unknown omega. It wasn’t mating bond of course, it only affected him and tied his alpha side forever to his perfect mate. He could feel how his alpha automatically tied himself to this person only, leaving him no other choice but to bond. This scent would be the only one his alpha will ever accept as his mate’s. All others will lose every bit of appeal to him, so he would never look for another mate – actually he would be powerless to even claim anyone else, since his alpha would reject them.

It was completely about his alpha and not about his own will. He didn’t even know who his mate was, not to mention where to find him. But he will do everything in his power to find his mate and be worthy of their bond. He didn’t know if it will be male or female – the scent was too old or weak to detect it. The only thing he was certain of was fact it belonged to the omega, not beta. It smelt familiar, but of course it did- it belonged to his true mate- it was _meant_ to smell like home. And the personsidentifying pheromones were always first to vanish. He didn’t doubt his ability to find this omega. He would recognize _that_ scent anywhere.

As the more rational part started to return to him he was finally able to think more clearly. Why had his mate been in Dean’s bathroom? Had it been one of those chicks Dean liked to invite over- so called one-night stands? It had been a while since he had last brought a girl over so it would be easiest guess. He couldn’t hold back a growl at the thought of another alpha touching _his_ mate. If it had been anyone else than Dean he would have challenged alpha immediately. He could barely restrain himself for waking Dean right now and asking who had been in their apartment this week, and if he had slept with his mate. No matter how much his alpha wanted to fight for his mate, he couldn’t afford to act without thinking again – never again will he let his anger get him like that.

Castiel was also the last person in the world who had any right to even ask Dean about who had it been his room. He will need to find his mate himself without any help. He got the scent and he would just have to smell everyone on campus, if it wouldn’t help he would need to search the city for his mate. He assumed his omega would be female, since Dean never slept with males. He didn’t understand why his mate had never come to look for him. Whole apartment was soaked by his smell; his mate should have had same reaction- immediate reaction to his scent and similar kind of bond, until they would find each other and could mate for real. Had his mate thought it was Dean? Dean had scent blocker; perhaps his omega had assumed that Dean was the one?  He doubted it; he didn’t think mates could be fooled so easily. Perhaps his omega had realized it after sleeping with Dean (he will NOT be angry at Dean for this, he couldn’t have known, no matter how much his alpha protested), that he wasn’t the right one and never returned. He had failed to meet his mate at the same time, just like he had failed everyone.

 He searched whole omega dormitory, but there was nothing. Not even the lingering scent of his mate in the halls, but he didn’t give up. Castiel visited nearly all clubs in the city, but with same results. Was he meant to be alone and mate-less for the rest of his life since his alpha would never have another? He didn’t _want_ another; he will love his mate with everything he has no matter how they looked like or what their gender was. But if his mate had scented him and there was _no chance_ he/she hadn’t, then he couldn’t fail whoever it was. He didn’t deserve a mate, not to mention true mate, but if his mate had similar bond, which tied him/her only to Castiel, he had to find his omega. His mate deserved at least to know him, not to wonder for the rest of his/her life to whom they were tied to. Like Castiel his mate could never have another so he needed to find his omega, and fast. His mate at least knew where to find him, but how was Castiel supposed to find his omega? 

By the end of the week he was sure he had failed – he wouldn’t give up though. He spent every free hour on the library trying to find any information about true mates, but it wasn’t easy. There were too many romantic novels, myths and fairytales and they were all useless – there wasn’t anything which could help him to find his mate. He would _need_ to ask Dean. He hated it; he hadn’t any right to ask anything from Dean, not ever. But if his mate was suffering he would have to, for them. Not yet, he decided, if he wouldn’t find his mate by Christmas, then he will ask Dean. There was still slight hope that his mate will return to their apartment to look for him, but it never happened.

So here he was now, standing behind Dean’s door and trying to find enough courage to open it.

”Dean?” There was no answer. He called few times, but door stayed closed, just to check if Dean was there he carefully opened the door. Seeing that Dean wasn’t there he had almost closed the door again, when he smelt it again- the most perfect and intoxicating smell in whole world. Without meaning to he stepped inside so he could take a better whiff. It was undoubtedly his mate’s- it was sweet and alluring and …very … _Dean’s._

He froze. How was it even possible? Dean was alpha-alpha, like him, not  an omega. And true mates were created for each-other from the _birth_ if the myths were true. It didn’t make any sense. Had Dean claimed his omega? Before his _alpha_ could start growling again at this awful thought, something else hit him. It was more about what was _missing_ in this room. There was faint, barely there smell of his mate, sweet scent of male omega which- yes indeed belonged to the Dean, but there were _no signs_ of any alpha musk. If Dean had claimed his omega here, then it should also reek of Dean’s scent. But this wonderful smell belonged to the unclaimed male omega… with special essence which was unmistakably Dean. 

As hard and impossible as it was to believe- Dean was his true mate and omega. He recoiled from the room. This _couldn’t_ be true, it was _not possible_. But his nose told him otherwise.

He recoiled from his mat- _no_ , _DEAN’_ s room and went to his own. To say it was shock would be understatement of the millennium. Dean was alpha-alpha like him, not an omega – that had been very clear since their first meeting. True mates were created for each other since births. He tried to fight all this nonsense, but slowly he began to put at least some pieces together. Dean using scent blockers and amplifiers and his fear to be near everyone, his sudden disinterest in females, his urgent need to avoid his family- Dean was certainly the omega, no matter how difficult it was to take in.

But it was still impossible – he had _fought_ him – there was no way an omega would have been equal to his alpha-alpha strength. But he also smelt like his true mate - finally he got some keyword. He needed to know if it was even possible to find true mates from the same secondary gender. He was in no shape to look for anything himself- he was still trembling and fighting against the very thought- it was _impossible_. Finally he called Ash and begged him to find every bit of information about true mates who were from same gender as well as alpha-omega ones. Anything that was not romantic novel would have to be enough.

It was no surprise that Ash managed to do with 50 minutes, what he hadn’t in week. He had huge pile of material in his computer, and most of it even semi-respectable sources, which was best he could hope for. There were articles about other’s cases. Most of them were different and there were many things they disagreed on. He spent whole night reading about true mates. When he was finally done he had learned that there were few things they _all agreed on_. True mates were meant to be together since birth, that they were rare and their bonding was almost unnaturally strong and had many side effects, the bond was _always mutual_. But that much he already knew. What _did_ shock him were articles about alpha-alpha mates, who were also _meant to be_. It was beyond rare, but there were few cases in documented history. Same secondary gender pairings didn’t usually start as alpha-omega, alpha-beta or beta-omega ones.

There wasn’t this immediate reaction like alpha-omega pair would have – their recognition would be far slower. For betas it was easiest, not very complicated and they soon recognized true mates in each other. It was supposed to take longer for alphas and omegas. Omegas would turn extremely caring and protective over each other, needing to please their mate without any apparent reason at first - the attraction would be so strong even _obsessive_ , and so they will finally accept that they need each other more than any alpha or beta. It wasn’t usually very hard for them since caring and loving was in their nature.

 And then there were alpha pairs. Alphas that were meant to be with other alpha from birth – those relationships usually started slowly and often with fights. Both of them would be too obsessed to deny the attraction, but at the same time not willing to submit to the other. No matter how much they would fight- the moment one of them was feeling down or vulnerable, others alpha would react out of instinct – making sure their mate would be okay and protected. This would often lead to obsessive fighting until they would finally give up and accept their relationship and status as true mates. There were numerous signs added, which could mark that other one was indeed their true mate – like their scent would still be attractive, unexplainable obsessive behavior, his own reluctance to let Gabe help him with Dean when they were fighting, need to protect, etc.

The more Castiel read the more certain he was that Dean had been his true mate from the start. Everything fit - from his first reaction to Dean, their mutual behavior, the way Dean had immediately been on the protective alpha mode when Castiel cried in front of him. And he had never felt that way before, so safe…and he had…

He had made the deal with the devil to destroy his _true mate’s_ life. Suddenly everything started to fit together- Dean’s sudden fear of others, why he had scent blockers and amplifiers, his illness, and his new scent- which he had tried to hide, why he never invited anyone over anymore, avoided his family, why Castiel hadn’t been able to find his mate in the omega dormitory nor city… _why his true mate hadn’t been looking for him in return._

Of course Dean hadn’t told him- Castiel was the _worst_ thing that ever happened to him, the one who had taken _everything_ from him. Castiel had hurt the one human being that should have been most precious and sacred from the start! He will never get to have his true mate, and he was totally unworthy of him. Somehow Dean had been turned into omega, which meant that he was the one thing he hated most. There could have been nothing worse Crowley could have done to him, and Castiel had so stupidly agreed without asking what he was going to do! – He would never have agreed to this if he had known, even in his rage he would have recoiled from the very idea of turning someone’s gender without their will.

Why hadn’t Dean killed him already? He had every right. Perhaps he knew that by this point he would only do him favor. They might have been meant to be at first, but nothing could never fix it- Dean turning into omega. True mates or not if he was responsible for _this –_ it was unforgivable. They were both in hell – Dean and Castiel were now both living their worst nightmare. Dean had hated male omegas and Castiel had never wanted to hurt anyone. He had wanted to be good alpha, have kids, and now _he_ was the one who had cursed his true mate and taken everything from him...Alphas were meant to protect and provide for their mates, not destroy and take everything from them.

How could Dean even be near him? Why did he refuse to let him go- he should have demanded to give Castiel up, why hadn’t he?

Suddenly he threw up all over his table, his insides were twisting and being torn apart at the same time. His alpha side was howling in agony. He had never felt such agonizing torture before. He fell to the floor and screamed as sharp jolts of pure pain ran over his body. Everything burned and boiled at the same time. There was blood running from his nose and his every nerve was on fire. He had violated the utmost rule of every alpha- he had hurt his mate. It didn’t end- the pain was everywhere, pure poison flowing in his bloodstream. It was blessing when his body gave up and he drifted to the blissful unconsciousness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will not change anything for Dean. As Cas said- this will not fix anything between them.


	11. Turning tables

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not as good as I hoped it would be- unfortunately I was half-asleep while I was writing this, so there might be more mistakes than usually, but I wanted to update before I must be away from home for a while.
> 
> I attempted to do plot twist in this one - I hope I succeeded and it wasn't too predictable.
> 
> Warnings: kidnapping, mentions of prostitution and rape. ( There is no actual rape in this chapter and I don't think there will ever be in this fiction.)

 

 

Cas was laying in the hospital bunk, still unconscious. Dean didn’t know why he had even bothered to bring him here. He tried to convince himself it was only because he needed Castiel’s protection, and ignored that weird feeling he got, whenever he thought of Cas being hurt. He didn’t _care_ for that asshole, no matter how much his previous alpha or now strengthening omega side tried to convince him otherwise.

It had been the final straw – no matter how much he tried to push Castiel away, his animal side had always been (and much to his frustration _still_ was) drawn to him beyond reason. Even as an alpha he had felt incredibly attracted to blue-eyed beauty, but now that his new instincts started to kick in, it was worse than ever. He needed to make sure that Castiel would know just how much he despised him- and he did whenever he saw him. Dean tried to show him on every opportunity that he will _never_ forgive him, and barely tolerated his presence.  Castiel seemed to understand _that_ much least, since dude went out of his way to leave him alone. Dean may or may not have used it to make him uncomfortable on purpose.

Living with Cas was getting more than difficult each day. Not only did he have to stay with his number one most hated person, but he also had to deal with his cursed body, which seemed to disagree with him whenever Castiel was concerned. Dean _knew_ rationally what Cas had done and that he should get as far away from him as possible. His body on the other hand found his protective alpha musk relaxing, safe and _homely (not to mention heavenly)_. There was _something else_ about his smell, besides intoxicating ambrosia, but Dean couldn’t pinpoint it, no matter how hard he tried- his sense of smell hadn’t fully recovered yet. His attraction seemed to get only stronger and more consuming.

The nightmares about sex continued, and he wasn’t sure if this could be any more fucked up.  How could his own body betray him even more than just turning him into damn bitch? Like it wasn’t already _enough_ that he was now wired to like alpha musk and supposed to desire fat cock in his butt, he also had to be attracted to _one alpha_ , Dean wanted nothing to do with.

Now he dreamed of _Cas_ _every_ night, he didn’t know which was worse- the fact he was dreaming of bottoming for a dude or fact it was now _always_ _Castiel_. Cas fucking him, knotting him, claiming him, even _breeding_ him. It had also been the first time he had produced _slick_. Now he was used to having fucking river Styx between his cheeks every night. Dean was mortified when he had to accept the fact that he now _had_ to wear damn _plug_ in his hole so he wouldn’t ruin his sheets or clothes whenever this happened. And near Cas it was almost as scripted to have a damn waterfall flooding from his ass.

His cursed body just wanted to bend over for _this_ alpha and submit – it was sickening. He didn’t want to be attracted to alphas at all, (he hated to admit he _had been_ into _Cas_ even when he had still been an alpha) especially not male ones, but did it _have to be only Castiel_? So far he had not experienced any attraction towards other alphas at all- much to his relief, but it really didn’t make it any better since he was unwillingly and subconsciously _wanting_ Cas- it had to be worst joke ever. Couldn’t it be _anyone_ else, but the _one_ _person_ who was responsible for the worst thing that ever could have happened to him?

His new instincts started to kick in as well, and he already felt uncomfortable and scared around others. Everything inside him wanted to run or hide and lower his head so he could be less threatening and less notable.  He had to fight his own body every waking moment, forcing himself to look people in the eye so he would look like alpha he was supposed to be not like shy virgin. He couldn’t exactly bare his throat whenever someone looked at him in the wrong way. Like everything else about his new changes- it was much stronger near Cas, it was almost impossible _not_ to submit to Cas- and Castiel was the _last_ person he _wanted_ to show any submission to, dude deserved hell, not Dean kissing his ass.

Dean had thought it would be easier to hate Cas in general. He had expected to lose all compassion and his unwanted interest in him. Dean wasn’t prepared to feel extremely unsafe whenever the bastard wasn’t around, which was kind of ironic since _he_ was most likely greatest danger of all. If Cas would find out…the dude had seen his scent blocker  already…and if Dean would keep making mistakes like that much more…Cas will most certainly find out. And would happen when he does? Will Castiel inform the school that there was omega living in alpha dormitory? Would he rat him out that he was bitch now? Would he assume he would be his bitch? Most alphas took it for granted that they had every right to claim omega- especially male one, who were still considered lowest of all.

His father had been wrong he guessed – or he wasn’t full omega yet. Dean didn’t feel like he wanted to be fucked by every damn alpha. Yes, he _was_ attracted to one, much to his annoyance, but it wasn’t exactly because of his change. No matter how much he would have liked to deny it, he knew he had been drawn to Cas _before_ this stupid mess. His alpha side had been overly attached to him then just like it was now.

Just because he had every reason to hate him, didn’t unfortunately automatically turn out his animal side nor did it wipe his memories of tearful eyes when Cas had told him everything – the Cas he had _liked_. He had _wanted_ to forgive him then- before he found out what had been done to him. He would have forgiven much, but _not this_ \- there was no way in hell he could ever get over from something like that. This was _one_ thing he could ever forget nor forgive.

It hurt Dean in some deep unexpected level- it had his chest clenching around his heart painfully, like someone had stabbed him there with dagger. It was almost as if his whole being felt betrayed, like it had been some unwritten law that Cas could never harm him like that, however angry and imprudent he had been that evening. Like their first two months had been some _game_ and nothing about true dislike at all – he had no idea _why_ he felt that way. He felt like they had been just messing around and testing each other, and it had been something between them- a game for both. It was like Cas had cheated, when he had asked someone else tointervene - it wasn’t meant to be like this at all. It seemed like they were originally supposed to figure it out themselves, until one of them submitted- it had been some sort of weird pissing contest.

 It was ridiculous of course- why should he be surprised about his betrayal, when they had only fought first two months? It wasn’t like they _had_ _agreed_ to play this game – there hadn’t been _any_ rules, just some obsessive instinct to win. Why would he feel _so_ betrayed about it, like it had been coming from his friend and not from rival alpha? It only made him hurt more.

When he had returned from work earlier he had almost fainted - a new lovely side-effect of his turning, but the whole apartment had reeked of hurt and alpha in distress. When he found Cas unconscious and bleeding on the floor he had carried him to the impala and drove them to the nearest hospital. (Once he got over temptation to just leave him to rot there). He had no idea what had happened- there were no signs of any physical violence and his body had been unharmed. But Cas smelt like something had ripped him apart, utter terror and pain waving off him and making Dean’s skin crawl in response.

They had told him it was rare symptom for alphas. Once human had done something which conflicted with their whole nature- their inner animal would turn against them. It was beyond rare, since normally they couldn’t even _do_ something like this in the first place- in those rare cases it _did_ happen- it was mostly an accident. When alpha had hurt his mate by accident (like car crash, etc) or had done something they never could approve of, and realized it later- their inner animal would be repelled by the very idea itself and would try to “take revenge for the responsible one” even if it was attack against itself. Whatever Cas had done it had pushed his alpha self-destruction button and he was now still unconscious. This condition could heal entirely, once they got over the shock or it could cause continuous damage or even kill him.

Dean was conflicted about that last part- part of him wished it would end Cas, but at the same time his inner part was scared out of his mind- huge part of his cover depended on Cas wholly and his changes to ever find even a slightest bit of hope to ever end his “condition” were also entirely up to Cas. His inner animal was whining as it was grieving- which didn’t make it any easier to Dean - damn his stupid omega side was demanding to take care of _hi_ \- definitely _not his_ _alpha_.

 Dean had been asked to stay with Castiel until they could call his family. The sooner his siblings would get here, sooner he could leave his side. They hoped Anna and Gabe would also know what might have caused his trauma- usually it was something about hurting family members or loved ones, few times just something their alpha didn’t approve of in general.

Once he tried to go to bathroom, but weirdly Cas’s condition had been worsened even before he could get out of the door- was he reacting to only familiar scent in the room? So he was now pretty much glued to his side, waiting and dreading _if_ he would wake up. Dean didn’t know which would be worse to him by this point. This kind of death would be the slowest and most painful one, but it would make things emotionally easier for him- his conflicted feelings, his cursed attraction, the betrayal itself – it would be gone. On the other hand- Dean would be outed much sooner than he would like (his appropriate wish to reveal his new gender was about quarter to never) and he would have no one to (demand) help from. Cas was his shield right now and without him he would be in very vulnerable position, not to mention that Crowley would decide that the “deal to help him” might be over since _customer_ was dead. He didn’t even want to consider what Crowley would plan to do with him if this would be the case.

“Dean?” the quiet voice was hesitant and full of fear. It was as if Cas was afraid of _him_. Damn, why did he have to wake up before his stupid brother could arrive? At the moment they were alone- there wasn’t really nothing doctors could do before he would wake, expect chemically affect his body to produce some hormones which would increase his changes to heal. Most of his treatment would be psychological anyway if he would survive the first attack and shock. If he would somehow make this better in time he might recover- if not…he was knocking on Death’s door already.

“You are awake, I will leave now.” He raised and pressed the button to call nurses so they could take over. Dean knew it was stupid, but his curiosity got the better of him, he wanted to know. Before he could stop himself he asked out loud what he was bitterly thinking.

“You know, I do wonder _what it was_ , which was _too_ much for _you_ to handle, it seems that your limits of tolerance are way too high. What would have been too much for your alpha to get such strong reaction?” Seriously, it usually happened to _good_ people who had _heart_ – the really cruel ones, who were immune to the guilt and therefore their alphas never felt any reason to punish them for their conscience.

It was miracle how Cas managed to look even worse than he already did – he looked exactly like he was- about to probably die. He was pale, baby blue eyes bloodshot and full of unshared tears and something else. His scent gave off another wave of pure agony, before he met his eyes and whispered, “I found out about _you_.”

Dean recoiled – it was last answer he had expected and definitely the worst one. Cas knew he was omega? He needed to get out, hide before Cas could tell anyone and run far-far away. He let out sharp high pitched scream before he could stop himself and stormed out. It was over, he was in danger- he needed to grab few things and drive out of the state.

Traffic was way too slow, streets were suddenly full of strange people and Dean had never felt so insecure. He parked in hurry and hoped it was already dark enough so no one would see him running away like a crazy people. Once he was near his dorm he forced himself to walk normally, there were few students around and he didn’t wish to get unnecessary attention. He was almost there and...

“Winchester!”

Dean groaned inwardly, there was no way he could pretend he hadn’t heard it, since he had already stopped. As the captain of the football team it would have been unthinkable not to stop if his coach wanted to talk with him. He hated the guy; he was brutal and had something extremely spooky about him. Still he turned around to face the man.

“Yes, coach?”

The man smiled to him – if it was meant to be reassuring he failed immensely, this was kind of smile you would expect to see on loan shark or sadistic murderer before he will cut your throat.

“Winchester, we need to talk about few plans for next season, come with me for a moment.”

Damn, this stupid coach had to have _worst_ timing ever. He hadn’t left room to argue, and Dean didn’t want to quarrel at the moment- he knew for personal experience that fighting this asshole would take _more_ time than whatever the guy wanted to talk about. So he went with him to his office, hoping it will be over quickly – and it was. The moment door had closed behind them, Alastair pressed something to his face and he couldn’t even fight back, before he collapsed.

***

 

His head hurt and he was freezing, everything stunk like urine and blood mingled with horror and other body fluids. He couldn’t move his hands or legs as he was lying on something hard and cold.

“And the bitch is awake!” Alastair’s voice reached him, but it was too dark to see anything. Suddenly the lights went on- at it would have been better, if he had remained in the darkness.

It was bare room, with only one chair with weird accessories- most likely for torture, and whatever the thing was he was lying on. It didn’t take genius to figure out why he had been kidnapped by his psycho coach. Perhaps he could work on his restrains – John had taught him how to properly free himself, but he couldn’t be too obvious. If he could only get his pocket knife from his sleeve without Alastair noticing- he might have a change.

“It is so nice to see you outside of field Dean, perhaps this time you will learn how to make yourself more useful. It is practically same thing for you – using your body for common good while taking orders. Just this time you will be one on one, or sometimes against few others- but you can never lose.”

Just little bit more and he could cut the first rope. This man was sick – he had brought him god knows where (in hell), and was going to rape him. He could only hope it would be one time thing – not claiming. He would rather die than be bitch for _this_ alpha for the rest of the life. The man had hinted that he was going to use him and then let others have him too ( that must have been his one-on-one or against few comment)- which was both better and worse at the same time. It only gave him hope that the man will not _claim_ him, since alphas were usually not fond of sharing.

“Don’t be so shy Dean, you were always vocal one – soon you will be using that voice of yours to moan my name while I break you and fuck you full. “

Dean didn’t want to talk to that sick fuck, but perhaps it would distract him and give him more time to work on his binds.

“You will _never_ break me nor would I moan your name, you fucking dick!” He desperately wished he could add “you will never fuck me” part, but it wouldn’t be in his power to stop him at the moment. The thought of being taken by Alastair was making him nauseous and itchy – the alpha smelt like the wrong end of skunk.

The man laughed. The sound was hollow and twisted, making his skin crawl.

“I have already broken you Dean. I broke you while ago- you just don’t realize it yet. Now it is only matter of time until you will be mindless obedient broken fuck toy, but you are almost there, aren’t you?

Dean felt sick, yes he was a damn omega now, but it didn’t mean he wanted or will even want to be fucked by every damn knot in the universe. Did this sick fucker really believe that he would obey him and let him have his way with him?

“I do not know what the hell you are talking about, you sick fuck! I will never want you nor will I be your broken toy!” He had never been this angry – this man was the evilest person he had ever met. Dude _enjoyed_ breaking and hurting as much as he could- he probably got off on it. That man was personification of devil- straight from hell.

“Oh I will tell you everything, my little bitch. Omegas are such delicate creatures and you need to be taken care for. As proper alpha I will provide you this bedtime story, don’t worry.” The man stepped closer and snapped his blade away from Dean’s hand, “They _also_ do not touch toys meant for alphas, such as sharp objects.”

Dean spit to his face- he was not child or weak creature- even an alpha would have been helpless tied and immobile. It would just be easier to break free for them- they were far stronger than betas or omegas.

Alastair slapped his face and growled, “Bitches don’t fight back and you are nothing but whore. You will be obedient!”

“The _heck_ I wi-…” The words died on his tongue.

“ _Stop fighting and stay still!”_ It was command – full alpha voice.

It felt like he was crashed and something heavy was on top of him, making him unable to move single muscle in his body. Alpha voice, the fucker had used it on him, and his stupid body had no choice than obey.

“Now that’s a good bitch, just like I wanted. It is good to know that this fucking Novak hasn’t ruined you already, that was biggest obstacle in my plan. It suits you perfectly – always following orders and doing as you are told. It is all you were ever good at, wasn’t it?

Dean didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. He had been an alpha- he was meant to be the dominant one, what the hell was this guy implying? His confusion must have been obvious as the alphas face lit up like a Christmas tree.

“You really are stupid bitch, you know that? I always like them that way, much more fun to play. And now you are mine. Once I break you, you will be begging for knots. And don’t worry- you will have plenty. With your pretty face you are going to make me a fortune. After I’m done with you, you will spread your legs and take whatever I give you without single complaint, it will not matter _what I ask_ or _how I want you_ , it’s not like you have many options.”

Dean wanted to cry from anger. Alastair was going to force him into prostitution and there was no way out. His family would look for him, but it wasn’t likely they could ever find him, since they had no idea he was omega. The only thing he could do- was not showing any weakness to this bastard and hope he would be killed before anyone could touch him like that. And even if his family would find him at last- his father would leave him there. Dean was bitch now- John would believe he was where he belonged.

“Didn’t you ever wonder how you even got to Gnosis? I mean it is the elite college for the very best, and your grades weren’t exactly extraordinary. “Alastair’s fake sweet voice was even worse than his usual one.

“I was alpha-alpha, they wanted me for my strength.”  Did he really think this was going to work on him? He knew damn well that the place was way out of his league. He had been lucky to ever get accepted.

“Oh, I know everything about you. I was the one who did research. I always do my best to get as many alpha-alphas as possible- they are excellent players. But there are even more qualities I value about my players- like your _background_.” The guy started to trace his legs, moving slowly closer to his crotch.

“And yours was absolutely perfect! Your father is old traditionalist, hating male omegas above everything and your brother is too young to help you. You were perfect- _nobody_ , who will not be missed. The moment I saw you I knew you were it.” His hand had stopped on his groin and he griped it tightly, making Deanwince.

“So I did everything in my power to get you full ride to Gnosis. And now here we are, just like I planned. And you will make even better bitch than I anticipated.”

“Having kink for stronger man, don’t you? Do you like to be manhandled and fucked by alpha-alphas? Sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t do men.” Dean snarled.

“Oh, but you are not a stronger man anymore, are you? You are just a pathetic bitch meant to be fucked. So _needy_ creature that you will need a thick knot in your ass to even make it through your heat, without harming yourself .Did you know how bad it is, that craving for knot? That’s almost unbearable for even ordinary omega, but to you – you could fall seriously ill if you are not knotted by alpha. You will make a perfect whore – most sensitive one with intoxicating scent and totally broken. You can be easily controlled and you will be price jewel in my collection. For extra money I will force you into heat, _hell_ I could _keep_ you always in heat, without you getting knocked up. That’s the best part-  no need to spend any money on your birth control and you would be even more worth in your heat. When they pay well enough, I could let them breed you up for extra kink, and remove the bastard child later.”

Cold thread spreaded over Dean’s body. This was the worst nightmare of every omega. But to think he would also end up in constant heat, like mindless fuck toy was way worse. And the mentions of being bred by numerous alphas for their kinks- there was nothing worse than that.

“I will take great pleasure in breaking you, so you will not fight it. I can smell that you  haven’t had your first heat yet? That’s perfect start- you will be way more worth as virgin and I will take extra satisfaction from making you beg for it.” He laughed.

“I will never beg for you, you will never break me, I rather die.” Dean spat the words, they were only things he had- poor promises that he will be stronger than his cursed heat. He would rather die from it, than _beg_ for this.

“You haven’t been listening at all? You will need this, much more desperately than any other omega. And I told you – I have _already_ broken you, now I’m just playing with my toy.”

“You can’t break me.” Dean will not give up; he was stubborn enough to fight it off.

Alastair started to play with his shirt- he wanted him to stop, to stay away. Each touch was so wrong. “Ah, you _will_ beg for it. Everyone always will in the end, but I guess you will be my favorite now, and I have all the time with you. No one will miss you, I doubt that even your bodyguard Novak could find you- I will take some extra pleasure from that. He will be in misery for the rest of his life- he failed you, again.

“Like he would care, he did this to me!” Dean screamed. Without Cas he would never be in this stupid mess, he would never be some damn bitch.

This time Alastair stopped and there was evil glimmer in his eyes and his voice was velvet soft as he leaned in to whisper into his ear. “Oh, but he will! I just took his world from him and he will blame himself for the rest of his life not knowing any better. He will either die in agony or he will come for you – and then I will get him too. I mean he will never recover from his condition, with you gone. If everything goes according to my plan he will come and will try to do everything in his power to save you. And I could turn him to omega too and have _two_ perfect bitches. This is way better than I expected. I mean usually I wouldn’t even dream to go after alpha-alpha Novak, unlike you, _he_ will be missed. His family would move mountains to find him, but you two made it too easy.”

He laughed as he waited for Dean to catch up. There was something monumental which he didn’t get yet. His plan? The asshole had planned this, for how long?

“Usually I can’t go after alpha-alphas, since they have powerful families behind them- way too risky. But this year I will have two bitches perhaps. I told you I checked your background- hateful father, no money – no one would search for you for too long. I would have waited until next year and taken you then, but I was afraid you and Novak would ruin it. You see, according to my plan I would have let you graduate and then taken you, but as soon as I realized your special connection to the Novak I made another plan. And you two fell straight into my trap.”

Dean was confused and scared – his connection to Cas? They were roommates, nothing special. But it was getting more obvious that this was not the end of the guys plan- he also wanted Cas now.

“You two were like straight from bad romantic comedies- true mates with no idea what was going on. As soon as I realized it, I decided to separate youimmediately, before you would have ruined it with mating. So I started sooner than I originally planned and made deal with Crowley to turn you. You didn’t even notice when I infected your water during practice. To cover my tracks and push you away from Novak I also asked Crowley to find a way to blame someone else, preferably Novak – it was easy to assume that once I would press on right buttons his alpha would snap and will go straight after you. Alpha mates are always obsessed with each other and wouldn’t reason until they will finally admit that they are mates- they are nearly blinded by each other, failing to see any reason.

My subjects found a perfect opportunity and tried to kidnap Anna – Novak loved his little sister way too much and her covered with your scent was just perfect way to make him nearly feral. Anna was not the real target – you were, but we wouldn’t have minded high class bitch as well. And just like that Crowley found perfect opportunity to “help” Castiel as he was in his obsessed fury ready to burn down your car. Just like I asked in my deal he convinced him to “make a deal” – it is not that hard to manipulate feral alpha into revenge.

The deal with Novak was fake of course- I had _already_ destroyed and turned you days before, but he didn’t know it. I just made sure that he would have good reason to fight you like you always did, and then call Crowley, who just “happened “ to be in the right place at the right time. He manipulated him into” the deal” – he is excellent manipulator and he played straight on his alpha fury buttons, which only screamed to him to take revenge for his poor sister- as you know there is no reason in such moment in alphas brain. It was ideal- even Novak didn’t know that only thing he was guilty off was being angry for one evening and then wishing something bad to happen to you, without doing _any_ damage at all.”

Dean froze. Alastair had made the deal and then found way to blame Cas? Cas wasn’t the responsible one for his turning- Alastair would have gotten him anyway- fucker had planned this all along. Alastair had searched his background made sure that Dean would be easily taken. He couldn’t really blame Cas for being angry for one moment- Dean would have killed him if he would have thought Cas had hurt Sammy. He would have done same thing. It made Cas only another victim of Alastair master plan, another pawn on the table.

“Then the Novak almost ruined it you know? He _did_ make a real deal with Crowley as well- this one to _help_ you and _protect_ you. Whatever it was- it made it nearly impossible to get you; he must have made very generous offer to Crowley- one he couldn’t possibly refuse. I was running out of time since the closer you got to your heat the more you were in danger to be discovered. I was afraid once you will scent him you will bond to him, and you would have been worthless to me- your special abilities wouldn’t work on every alpha then, _only_ him. I expected you to leave or be left alone after you realized what was happening to you – so I could take you. But against all reason you stayed with him, even though you were both certain he had done this. It surprised me that you could stay in the same room.”

Cruel humorless laugh filled the room as Alistair continued to tell his horror story. Dean didn’t doubt it was true- Alastair wanted to hurt him, and this time _truth_ was way worse than any lie he could come up with.

“I watched as Novak drowned in self-loathing, he was desperate to find anything at all to fix you – though I don’t believe it would be possible,I couldn’t take that risk. I tried to ask Crowley to stop looking for cure, but he refused – he is always in love with his deals, refusing to break them. When Novak started to show interest in myths about true mates I knew my time was over- I _had_ to get you before he could do anything about it. In few days your sense of smell would have recovered and you would have scent-bonded with him. I hope he didn’t bond with you yet- If he did it is not worth to go after him anymore. “ Alastair sighed, like Dean was supposed to feel sorry for _him_.

“He must have realized you two were true mates though, making his alpha go all self-destructive tonight- for thinking he had hurt his mate. The school was informed of his accident and it was finally time for me to collect you– as you are nothing now, and with Novak out of my way it was perfect opportunity.”

It was working, this was slowly breaking him. It was agonizing to even think about- with Cas gone, who might be _dying_ at the moment in horrible agony, blaming himself for something he _wasn’t even responsible for_ and never getting to know the whole truth. And they were true mates? It fit perfectly into this damn picture. His obsession, his attraction to him for the very first moment, how he had wanted to protect him, how his new omega side was reacting to him now- yearning for him. That _one thing_ he couldn’t yet scent on him, but which he was always aware off, _why_ he had felt so betrayed after he found out -like he had been family who had done this. It had to be true. And now this fucker wanted to get Cas to- so he could make them both in perfect bitches. If Cas knew they were true mates then he will likely come for him- Dean would. He thought Cas will also come- if he would survive his shock and Dean hadn’t actually made it any better by reminding it to him right after he woke. What had Cas told him- “ _I found out about you”_ – he didn’t mean omega, he had meant the mates part.

Like he was reading his mind Alistair continued, “I hope he will come for you and that he haven’t scent-mated with you yet. In some way it is even blessing you two are meant to be mates- do you even know how rare true mates are? Not to mention alpha-alpha pair? It makes you perfect bait for him. And he blames himself for everything- this is just the best tragedy I have ever seen. Now I only have to wait – if he dies then I don’t have to worry about anyone ever finding you. If he won’t – he _will_ come and then I will get him to. I wouldn’t go after Novak alpha-alpha normally, but his recent condition makes it possible- no one would doubt he committed suicide after this. He believes he has wronged and failed his true mate, and could never ask for any redemption. After how depressed and distant he has been lately- no one will question it. “

With slow movements Alastair started to touch him again, “And he will also end up as super bitch – you will never see him again, I can’t risk you two scent-mating, but you will share the same fate. It fits for the true mates- going down together. There is nothing you can do about it. And if it happens- you two scent-bonding - I have all I need to make either of you comply- you will always feel compelled to save each other and will be beautifully broken together. You would never risk to hurt your mate like this– it is impossible.”

Suddenly Alastair smirked again, “ _Undress_!”

Feeling the compulsion of alpha voice didn’t leave him any choice. He started to undress, leaving his naked body exposed to the cold.

“I will not touch you yet. I will wait until your heat breaks you or torture you -until you beg to be knotted and made a bitch you truly are. I think I have given you enough to think about while you rot here. I will give your greetings to Castiel.”

He left taking Dean’s clothes with him, leaving him naked on the bunk, wishing he could die. Dean hoped Cas would die too, but this time for different reasons. It was too late for him to get out of this hell, but Cas wasn’t here yet. If someone would have told him that he would wish to save Cas this morning he would have laughed, but now he was desperate to keep him safe. Cas might have “destroyed” him once, but they had been just played by sadistic psycho, wishing to catch them both. The hatred he had felt for Cas started to vanish, and far stronger hatred for Alastair took its place. For just wishing to harm him once in nearly feral state- Cas had paid high price for it – months of self-loathing and now possibility of slow torturous death.

In that moment it didn’t matter anymore that he wasn’t into dudes. He had been attracted to Cas all this time; he could feel Alastair hadn’t lied about the mates part. Castiel was indeed his one true mate and they had been all this time. He would gladly accept the fact he was attracted to Cas if he would ever get out of this hell.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I will be away from home for a while, I can't write as much as I usually do. And of course my idjit laptop had to break like few days ago - so I don't know if I can post while I'm away. I try to find something as replacement so I could continue to write and update, but it's not entirely up to me. ( Even if I can't find anything while I'm away and therefore not update for a time being- I would never abandon this fiction.)


	12. Perdition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long- I'm still not home yet (and won't be for another week at least) and since I've been very busy it has been hard to find time to write. 
> 
> I am also sorry, if this as totally diftent format or something like that- this old replacement computer I am using doesn't show me things like I'm used to. Evry format in AO3 is same and weird with this damned brick. 
> 
> Warnings: Well- there is Alistair doing his usual s**t. ( torture)  
>  This chapther also includes mind-control.

 

 

Dying was annoyingly slow and painful process, not that he minded. He could feel how his alpha was still tearing him apart, piece by piece, making it hurt as much as it could. Castiel didn’t try to fight against it; he was patiently waiting for his alpha side to finally be useful at something it was good at- destroying. For once he _did_ agree with his animal side- he deserved to be punished in the most painful way for what he had done, until he finally dies.

 He knew he was dying- there was nothing surprising in this. He had never thought much about it before. Dying had always been something in his far future, not something that could happen to him in his age. He didn’t complain though. It was best fate he could hope for right now- it was better than living in eternal agony over the pain and suffering he had caused to Dean. He could only hope that Dean would find some contentment in his death. It won’t make it okay of course, nothing would, but perhaps he will have satisfaction of some revenge.

Thinking about Dean was painful, perhaps even more than ravenous attack from his alpha itself, which was tearing his mind apart and filled every cell in his body with sharp burning pain. Yet Dean seemed to be the only thing worth thinking about, no matter how much it hurt in progress. It was good side-effect in agony – after certain point of pain it is all the same thing, so he could focus on Dean without having to worry about being in greater torture – it just wasn’t humanly possible.

The look of pure terror that had covered Dean’s face once he had realized that Cas knew they were true mates had haunted him for last three days- whether in sleep or when he was awake. He had wanted to go after him, but he had passed out again as another attack wave devoured him. Since then he had been drifting between life and death, sometimes barely awake to talk few words to his doctors, before returning to never ending darkness in his mind. There was no room for outside world- not that it mattered. His Alpha’s world had walked out three days ago taking everything with him. There was no gravity holding him here anymore – nothing to hold on to. So he waited for inventible, waiting for the moment he could finally let go.

Castiel didn’t even know _why_ he was still alive. His whole being had crumbled down few days ago- in all the ways that mattered, he _was_ _already_ dead. That’s why his alpha was so furiously ending him right now- he _must_ be dead. He had crossed the lines of his very being- hurting another like that – it had never been in his nature. Hurting his true mate like that…(he didn’t even have words for this) was unthinkable. He had always wanted to be kind and good mate, no matter who his intended would be. He had wanted to be good person in general– and he had lost himself to rushed hatred and destroyed another person wholly. So now he was just paying the price.

In those rare moments he was wake enough for conversations, they told him to tell what had caused this- to go to therapy. Like there would be one therapist in the world, who could help him to fix something like _this_. The only hope to even partly recover would be convincing his alpha that there was something it might be useful at – that he might be able to do some damage repair or there was something he could do to help Dean at all. If someone would need him – he might try to heal, but he was sure Dean would be better off without him. And he had huge family- loss of one alpha would be bad, but it would be better to go quickly than slowly fade into nothingness and be some crazy numb beta-like one. Too broken to ever be true alpha again not to mention alpha-alpha, he would be just disgrace to Novak family.

He was too tired and disinterested to see anyone- not even his family, so that he just pretended to sleep whenever there was someone at the room if he wasn’t asleep already. His only exception was Dean, but he doubted he would ever return. Why had Dean been here at all? It wasn’t like he had any reason to lift his finger to help him. He was worried about him though. If Dean was omega (still something beyond his imagination) he needed to make sure that he would remain hidden and safe. So many were still after male omegas- seeing them as nothing more than whores who didn’t deserve any decent treatment.

Castiel should make amends as long as he could – make secret account and put all of his money there- he hoped Dean would accept it. Dean will need it to stay hidden and safe. It was not meant to be apology – there wasn’t one in the world that would make this any better. But soon Castiel would have no use for it himself if he would be dead in few weeks anyway. His family was extremely rich- they would barely notice if his part would be missing, it’s not like they would need it anyway. But for Dean it might be his only hope to stay safe and perhaps avoid a job. The last part angered him - Castiel didn’t think omegas should stay home barefoot and pregnant. If they wanted to work that was fine- unfortunately many didn’t hire them at all. Others treated them little better than slaves and they would have to work double to make same amount as any beta. And if someone assaulted them – no one would believe or stand up for them. For unmated omega (especially male one) it would be nearly impossible to find a any job at all.

Will Dean be unmated for the rest of his life? Castiel knew that even if he will survive- he literally couldn’t mate anyone else in his life- being scent mated to his true mate already.  Like he would want or deserve one! But it was extremely cruel to Dean. If he was scent-mated with him also (and it was always mutual) – then he could never have another mate either. He would be completely alone – and it was awful. Not only would he be scent-mated to such asshole as Castiel, but he could never find another and better one, who would deserve him. No matter how much his alpha hated the thought of Dean with anyone else- Castiel would let him go – he had no right for Dean. The last thing he would want would be causing Dean some extra pain because he couldn’t tame his stupid alpha, who thought that it had every right to claim his true mate for himself just because they were originally “made for each other”.

Had it truly been only three days ago – how long will it take until he will die for good? Pain was horrible, but waiting was worse. Each time doctors tried to do _something, anything_ to make him better. He couldn’t convince them it would be best if they would just stop trying, no matter how much he tried. What was the point in extending his inevitable and painful death?

There was yet another movement near him, he groaned inwardly, not wanting to deal with his doctors nor family. However his visitor caught him by surprise. For once his alpha reacted and wanted to tear someone else apart- not himself.  Beside him stood a small man, wearing similar black suit and tie like he had on the night he had offered him worst deal in his life, smirking as he watched how Castiel slowly recognized him. He wanted to punch this smug face, to tear him apart for ever offering him that gruesome deal – but he was too weak to even lift a finger. So he just glared furiously at his unwanted visitor. How the hell was he even here? He wasn’t on visitor’s list.

Crowley lifted his eyebrows, clearly unimpressed, “Really? That’s the best you can come up with? Stare me to death? I can assure you – there are many better ways to accomplish that. See that’s the reason no one let’s you to make revenge plans- you truly suck at them.”

This time he managed to let out a small growl, but he mentally winced at the sound – crying puppy would have been more threatening than his pathetic squeak. Of course it only succeeded to make Crowley laugh at him.

“I came for you for business, but it seems that you are uninterested at the moment. It would have been in our mutual interest, but you’ve made it quite clear that you will refuse anyway.”

Damn right he will; Castiel wanted nothing to do with him anymore- other than his help in fixing Dean or keeping him safe. He was almost drifting back to sleep again when he heard Crowley speaking.

“Too bad, since it might put our poor Dean in very unfortunate position. He has been missing three days, you know? I managed to find out where he is being kept and by whom – there was mistake on my end, I must admit. I miscalculated one threat and he got him before I could make amends on my own to prevent it. As I have said- I hate to break deals, but I can’t act alone this time – he is keeping an eye on me and all of my usual workers. And if I call the police- it would be most likely too late for Dean- he will slit his throat or hide him before we could do anything – and Dean would be lost forever. You are the only one who could get close enough if I know anything about his kidnapper at all – others he would deal with before they got into his territory, but he will want you. This is trap especially for you and he would like to give you the same thing that was used on Dean- drug to turn you into omega. I must admit however- you will be in great risk yourself by going after Dean. You will either save him or die trying or you will end up just like him.”

Dean was taken, by whom? Castiel had last seen him 3 days ago – it must have been right after that. And this whole time he had uselessly been dying in his bed while he should have _done_ something, if he only had known!  Kidnapped omegas- there was only one purpose for that and his blood froze in his veins by mere thought of it.

At once his alpha stopped every attempt to attack himself- focusing all his energy to fix him and make him as strong as it could. Protecting Dean was much more important than taking revenge on itself – he could return to that once Dean was safe. He will need all of his strength to face Dean’s captors and as soon as possible. Thankfully alphas had naturally fast healing and his current condition was still mostly mental one, it took much longer for alpha side to really start damaging the physical body. It was dizzying how quickly his alpha-strength started to return into his lifeless limbs. With mere moments he was able to move and in few hours he will be as powerful as ever.

As much as he wished to go straight after Dean, Crowley’s words had alarmed him. He didn’t dare to call police – until he could be sure that Dean will be safe. He also didn’t wish to reveal his new gender problem – it was still Dean’s secret. Crowley must have been serious about warning him about the trap. He didn’t care about himself much, but he couldn’t risk getting hurt of fail before Dean was out. What could he really do? His confusion must have been clear since Crowley took over.

“I can drive you close and give you layout of the building he is being kept. Dean is in the basement. Alastair really likes to play with his new toys- he takes extra pleasure in breaking them and making them beg for it. He is most likely tortured at the moment- I doubt he would break so easily that he would be with others yet – however soon he will. Alastair is also keen on destroying his toys alone- there should be no one else down there. You will only need to get past few alpha guards on the hall and stay quiet so you won’t alert others on higher grounds, where are the main play rooms and customers. I can take care of the cameras so you don’t have to worry about them. I can also arrange quick escape car waiting for you, once you get Dean – call this number –once you do, I will cause distraction upstairs so it will be easier for you to leave without being noticed. Can you fight past few alphas?”

Castiel growled- this time true growl, not mockery of one. He could take down much more than just few alphas for Dean. He was alpha-alpha who was going after his distressed mate – there was no way anyone stood a chance against him. Already his power had reached the limit of any normal alpha – and moments ago he had been unable to even lift a finger.

“Good, then we are almost ready to go. I already took care of your hospital papers – no one will stop our mission.” He threw him few exchange clothes- ones suitable for fighting, Castiel noticed. This man was truly thinking of almost everything. In no time he had changed almost ready to go he just needed to ask something first.

“How do I know you will not lead me to trap?” There was also chance that Crowley just made up whole story. He needed some guarantee that he won’t just walk straight into ambush.

Crowley considered it for a moment, “Like I said, I do not break deals and keeping Dean safe was part of it. Second, I need your help with that research – and you are the best funding I could ever hope for, and as you marked – I might need this someday in future for other deals. Third – this kidnapper has become threat to my position, and sooner or later he will try to eliminate me. I’m just loose end for him now; he got what he wanted from me long time ago- now I possess threat to him, especially after the deal I made with you. So it is for my own good to get rid of him and not trick you. I know you’ll not risk me as long as you need me for helping Dean – so I you are useful to me and it would be foolish of me to seek you any harm.”

Castiel thought about it for a moment. It seemed truthful answer and he didn’t see any way Crowley could benefit by lying to him. But he must be prepared for worst – if anything goes wrong and he will fail to help Dean (yet again), then he must be sure that he has also plan B. He smiled, he knew how to get this extra guarantee.

“How do you feel about another deal?”

That got Crowley’s undivided attention at once, “What do you want?”

“I need to make sure that if anything goes wrong, that if I die or if I fail to save Dean. You will do anything to get him out and keep him safe. If they somehow turn me- you will save us both from this fate and bust us out. I need to make sure that most of my money would be left to Dean if anything goes wrong and I die. And I will pay you for arranging it – I do trust that you will keep this deal as well. However you will get half- million if I get Dean tonight without failing. “

“We won’t have time for lawyers right now!”

“We don’t need one – all I need is your written deal where you promise you will give all of my money to Dean if anything happens to me – it won’t be necessary if I make it without problems. You will have your payment for 500 000$ and rest will be given to Dean. Once I have your permission I will arrange it so you will have access to my account if needed, but I won’t give you it right now. I will give you the number before I enter the building. If there is need for this extra deal then you will call this number and get further instructions.”

“I agree, give me minute to write down the deal.”

Castiel nodded and excused himself- he had call to make. He needed to call Ash and give him instructions in case he will fail. He was sure that Ash could track him and make sure if he was really missing or dead. He was also sure that Ash was honest enough to follow his instructions. If he will go missing- Ash had all the information to access his account and mysteriously move his money away to new secret account for Dean. This was the best part about Ash- he asked what you needed, but didn’t ask why all of this was done. And he was pure genius when it came to his job.

 Once everything was arranged he was ready to go; he studied building layout, which Crowley had given him trying to memorize it – he hoped he will be able to scent Dean and it will make tracking him down lot easier. Crowley had given him approximate number of alpha or beta guards on his way – depending on how much customers would be there and therefore how many guards would be working - he might have to fight 12- 30 guards on his way. Once in basement he will have to deal with Alastair himself- the one Crowley told him all about. Perfect with weapons and great at torture- true monster, and he will be expecting him to come. But if he had harmed Dean it would be his pleasure to meet him and offer his gratitude in person and let his alpha have his way with him.

He smiled as he remembered something about true-mate documents Ash had mailed to him. By ancient law one was allowed to do anything, including kill the threat to true-mate. He had checked it- and it was still valid. It was funny that true-mates were considered myths, but there were extra laws for them. It must have been some old rule which no one bothered to change since it was never really considered to be used. He didn’t want to kill anybody but if he needed tonight for saving Dean he would do it in heartbeat and this law might be useful.

Once Crowley was done and he was satisfied with deal, he mailed it to himself, choosing to the option to send same letter to Ash in 12 hours from now– if everything will go well he will just cancel it before it reaches Ash at all.

The drive to their destination was tense; his alpha was preparing for impending fight, making him jumpy and temperamental. It took forever to reach some old mansion house, which didn’t look that suspicious at all from outside. It had lovely park; full of fountains and little ponds, roads rimmed with flower beds and few benches, where you might enjoy it all. Crowley left him near back wall, which wasn’t too high to climb over. Once Crowley messaged that cameras were taken care of, he was in autopilot mode - fight anyone who is on his way and get Dean out.

The closer he was to the house the more he noticed disturbing things about this place. The smell of arousal and sex was thick in the air, the moans and screams reaching his sensitive ears even from outside. It was clearly a pleasure house for alphas and betas. The thought of Dean being held there against his will was making him furious. He had never experienced such bloodlust before – he needed to rip apart this Alastair who had dared to touch Dean. Why was Dean kept in basement? Was this some extra awful place for torture or…? Wasn’t being forced to have sex with numerous strangers bad enough- what could be worse?

It was almost too easy to slip into the house – no one tried to stop him. After all he might have been just another alpha seeking for hole to fuck for all they cared. He found stairs which lead to the basement and met first two alpha guards who blocked his way. Castiel didn’t even bother to warn them – he took them out with cold blood. There was no point to feel remorse over someone who supported activity like _this_. He doubted any of the omegas or betas were here by their own will.

The basement was even worse- it seemed to be maze of different passages and he wasn’t exactly sure where Dean might be – so far he hadn’t scented him. He tried few hallways – taking down other guards, but found nothing. Finally he reached smallest and dirtiest corridor which lead to some storage room, when he caught slightest glimpse of Dean mingled with pain and distress. It took him frustratingly long time to figure out where it was coming from, his alpha torn between wanting to comfort Dean and tear apart everyone else in this cursed building. There was a heavy sealed metal door, blocking his way and faint noises of pain coming from behind. Of course it was locked- but it was not strong enough to stand against his alpha strength. He kicked it off without thinking twice about it – he had no idea he could be _that_ strong if needed. He lifted the remains of the door and walked straight into his worst nightmare.

Dean was lying on some metal table, naked and bloody. Alastair was holding some nasty blade in air ready to make the next cut. The monster lifted his gaze and offered him a crooked smile and faster than Castiel could react he was shot with something sharp into his left shoulder. Before he could figure out how to stop it everything went black and he collapsed.

Slowly Castiel become aware of his surroundings again. He was tied to some weird chair which made him completely immobile. There was cold laughter filling the air and occasional sharp screams from Dean, as the monster cut him over and over again. He wanted to do something, but he couldn’t fight his chains. He carefully peeked to see what was going on – as he guessed Dean was being tortured in front of him – Alastair had given him perfect view so he could see every horrible thing he did to Dean. For some reason there was some mask covering Dean’s nose – as if to block his sense of smell. There was similar one on him as well- but he didn’t see any point for it – if he could clearly see where Dean was and it was also clear he was in pain and distress- why would Alastair bother to block his scent? Wouldn’t it make it worse to him to smell exactly how badly Dean felt? It was almost blessing to have it blocked- his alpha was feral enough without it.

The man hadn’t noticed he was awake yet, speaking to Dean only – whatever he said must have been another cruel punishment for Dean, if his expression was anything to go by.

He almost opened his mouth to distract that demon from Dean, before he realized that he had gag in his mouth. He could only listen how that savage man talked his atrocities to Dean.

“You will have more choices today, slut. You can beg me to fuck you full and end your torture while your pathetic alpha watches and then I’ll kill him or turn him- so you will never see him again, or I will turn him right now into bitch as well and then you may both spend the rest of your lives being fucked and used as good omega whores you are meant to be - I will let you scent bond with him - and you know what it will mean for both of you.”

Dean screamed again as another cut appeared on his lower back. “You will have few hours to make your choice, before I make it for you. I will not turn him before, since it might be useless if he has already scent-bonded with you - just in case you choose the first option which doesn’t acquire scent-bond between the two of you- at least not mutual one. The choice is entirely up to you at the moment. You can beg for my knot and let me fuck you full as he watches – perhaps we could also remove his gag so he could scream as I take you. It would be cruel to keep his pretty sounds of anguish muted. What is it gonna be Dean – do you want to be scent- bonded to him for the rest of your life and see him every day as he is going to be used as whore beside you? Or do you beg for my knot and let him watch this one time- before he will be separated from you for good with no unbreakable bond tying you to him for eternity? There would be no bond- at least not on your end as I don’t know about him yet- he might be tied to you already.  If you choose quickly I will even let you come as I fill your greedy hole with my cock.”

Castiel didn’t know which would be worse. They were in hopeless situation- his only hope was that Crowley would hold his last deal. What would Dean rather do – bond to him or not? Not bonding would require begging this monster to fuck him in front of Castiel – it would be unbearable for him, but then again the other choice was as bad. Dean would be forced to bond with _him_ \- the person he hated most, and then be with him every day as they were both fuck toys for numerous alphas and their bond would only make it worse. He had no idea what Dean would choose, but he was willing to bet that if he left that choice to Alastair it would be even worse.

 He wanted to cry – it had been so easy to break into the building and fight off the guards. Everything had been going smoothly according to the plan. And when it mattered most he had failed yet again. Just one little drug to make him useless and he was tied and gagged – forced to watch his worst nightmare in front of him. His alpha was howling in rage, demanding to do at least _something_ , but he couldn’t even move. Castiel could only watch Dean trying to understand what he will choose between those horrible options he was given.

Suddenly Dean met his eyes and something flashed behind those green orbs. Dean had some idea? Whatever it was it would be useless if Castiel would be part of it and wouldn’t understand him. What was Dean expecting of him?

“I want you to fuck me now as he watches – remove his gag, I’d like to _hear_ his _voice_ as he watches.” Dean said.

Alastair turned to him stunned, “You already choose? “

Dean managed a weak nod and lowered his eyes quickly. Alastair put his blade aside and lifted his chin so he could see his expression, probably seeking confirmation from his face. Whatever he saw there must have pleased him though as his voice was laced with excitement. “Brilliant choice – and yes, since you asked it nicely I will please you and remove his gag so we could hear his powerless screams. But you will have some more begging to do before I will fuck you raw- we need to give him good show, don’t we?” He laughed and turned to Castiel. “As it seems being with _me_ is being more tolerable for your true mate than scent bonding with you and being near you. What does that say about you _alpha_? “

It hurt like hell of course, but so would the other option. But then Dean winked at him – at the first opportunity when Alastair was focusing on Castiel instead of him. What was he trying to say to Castiel? There was nothing he could do. What would be the point in this choice? Did he try to message it wasn’t better choice? Neither of those choices were bearable – so it couldn’t be the reason. Then _why_ _had_ he chosen the first one? There must have been some reason for that – if there wasn’t that much difference between them (they were both horrendous). There must have been some hidden opportunity if Dean had made this decision so fast. What had he told Alastair? That he wants to hear his _voice_? 

Castiel nearly smiled as it dawned to him. He knew what Dean was hoping for. It was their best bet that Alastair was unaware about this possibility Dean had so subtlety hinted at. For someone daring to deal with alpha-alphas, he sure knew nearly nothing about them. There was more to them than just their more than normal alpha strength. Castiel had never done it before. It was taboo- the extra ability alpha-alphas had, but never were allowed to use. It was so forbidden that he had nearly all but forgotten about this power at all. It was trained into them to never use it since they first discovered it after presenting. He doubted most even _knew_ about it- this plan might work. Alastair was sure he had already won, as typical alpha he didn’t think he might actually lose this battle anymore. He was so arrogant and self-assured that he was the top dog here, and Castiel didn’t bother to point his mistake out for him. What could Castiel possibly do right? He must have been sure that tied and immobile he will be as useless as any other alpha who had ever been in his power. At least it was their only hope.

As expected Alastair didn’t waste any time he as he reached Castiel and started to work on his gag. Castiel closed his eyes, trying to hide how alpha red was filling his eyes, much brighter red than normal.

As soon as his gag was removed Alastair touched his cheek,” No, this won’t do – open your eyes! You must see how I fuck your bitch- how he begs for it as you watch. What would be the point if you close those blue eyes of yours? If you close them I will hurt Dean- so you better listen to me if you want him to stay unharmed.”

Spoken like true sadist. Yeah- like raping Dean wouldn’t count as harm. Still there was no need to hold back now – Alastair won’t get that far if their plan works as it should. He opened his eyes and enjoyed the sudden flinch he got from the man standing in front of him. He was still just an alpha and therefore his inferior. Castiel didn’t bother to hide the flashing smile as he voiced his command using his full alpha-alpha voice.  

“Release me immediately!”

Before Alastair could do something to stop himself his body was already following Castiel’s demand like marionette. He was as helpless against it as any omega would be against full alpha voice. It was total compulsion, powerful enough to work on multiple alphas at once, though it wouldn’t be this effective as it was used against one at the time. Unlike normal alpha voice this compulsion had lasting effects and was much stronger, making it impossible to resist. At the moment Alastair was only focus of his command – he didn’t have a chance to disobey. He was completely under Castiel’s control now until he will decide what to do with him.

Once he was free of his restrains he ordered Alastair to take his previous place and chained him, demanding to stay still and quiet. He wanted to kill him for ever daring to hurt Dean like this, for even being near him- he wanted to rip him apart. The only thing stopping his alpha side from going completely feral and doing exactly that was his worry for Dean. His alpha was torn between bloodlust and need to comfort Dean immediately. Ripping a man apart before him wouldn’t be exactly soothing on his part. He snarled and left him there for now- he will deal with him later.

Slowly an attentively he closed the distance between himself and Dean, trying not to scare him. It was miracle Dean was even conscious at the moment – after everything he had been through it was certainly too much for anyone to bear. Mindful of Dean’s wounds he carefully freed him, trying to be comforting and calm. He winced every time his movements caused Dean to flinch or when Dean let out quiet gasps as he tried to withhold his screams. When he finally removed the last binds he started to lift Dean so he could carry him out of this hell, weak grip on his wrist stopped him.

“Please make him forget my name, make him unable to reveal what he did to me personally. I don’t want him to tell anyone about what he did do me.”  Dean voice was barely above a whisper.

Castiel stared at him uncertainly, “But your wounds-“

“They can be dealt with later, please make him unable to expose my new gender and what exactly he did to me. I don’t care if he will confess everything else- the bastard deserves to be in prison –hell, he deserves far worse. But I don’t want him to bring my name into this. I can’t be outed as…” His chocked on his words and left his sentence unfinished. There was no need for him to do that- Castiel understood without needing to hear more. Still he must have taken too much time to decide as Dean looked him with pleading eyes, “Cas…”

“I will do it Dean,” As if Castiel could deny him _anything_. It was ridiculous to even think that he would not do as Dean wanted. Castiel would have done something much worse if Dean would only ask- he would kill that bastard if Dean would so much as hint at it – scratch that, he still might.

 He offered Dean a quiet nod and then turned to the man still chained and immobile in the torture chair. He was ugly and his scent prickled his nose making Castiel somehow even more furious than he already was. Despite his anger he forced himself to stay focused of Dean’s request, nothing more – no matter how hard it would be to keep himself from snapping monster’s neck. He could practically taste the fear coming from this abomination as he reached him. Good – he was supposed to be terrified of him, Castiel would be more than glad to _show_ him exactly just _how_ afraid he should be.

He looked into his cold pale eyes, which reflected only evil and fear and smiled coldly. This man had nowhere to hide.

“You will immediately go to the police department and confess every horrible thing you have ever done, including the things you wanted to do or you are currently working on. You will give them detailed list of your crimes – every last one of them. You are unable to mention Dean Winchester’s name in any way- you can’t spell it, write it down or recognize him on picture, you are totally unable to even _hint_ at him or refer to him in any way. You refuse all your rights for lawyer and don’t even attempt to defend yourself. You will not remember nor mention that you were compelled to confess by me – you act like it was your own free will.”

He cut his binds roughly not caring if he cut him in progress and snarled one last time, “GO NOW.”

Alastair rose up eyes empty and all resistance fading from his body. Without saying anything he left – he was unable to do anything else, but what Castiel had told him to. This was full effect of alpha-alpha voice – full compulsion and mind control. As he didn’t need to worry about Alastair anymore he returned to Dean’s side helping him up. Dean leaned on him as he took first hesitant steps, but refused adamantly to let Castiel carry him. It was obvious that every step hurt him and his grip on Castiel was weakening with every passing moment. They didn’t talk- Dean was in no condition to walk and talk at the same time, but he let out quiet cries every now and then making it difficult for Castiel to respect his wishes and not intervene.

The stairs were too much for him though, after first two steps he collapsed and only Castiel’s support was holding him up. This was enough- Castiel lifted him into his arms ignoring Dean’s half-hearted protests as Castiel gripped him tight and raised him from this perdition. By the time he made it outside Dean was sleeping in his arms and alpha pressed him closer to his chest wishing he would never have to let go.

 


	13. Permanent confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning- mentions of what Alastair did to Dean ( nightmares and PTSD).(Waterboarding torture was used on him among other horrible stuff).
> 
> This is quite fucked up chapter....Just poor Dean (again).

 

 

His lungs burned in desperate attempt to catch breath. It feels like he is drowning all over again as there is not enough air left for him, he is dying. It is to dark to see anything, wet cloth covering his whole face as he helplessly struggles to find surface.

“DEAN!” The voice is familiar, not the cruel evil laughter that Alastair had. Was this another trick? Cas couldn’t be here, this place was hell. Cas wasn’t dead, Alastair was just trying to break him again. He won’t give up, he will rather drown again. Why wasn’t he drowning already? No one could drown for days and then over and over again. Death was supposed to be final, wasn’t it? How could it last?

He gagged again, trying to remove the pressure on his chest which was crushing him, dragging him to the endless bottom of pain.

“DEAN!” There was slap on his face this time, cutting off the dream and he gulped for the most beautiful thing ever- air. Dean was panting heavily, trying to stabilize his respiratory system. He wasn’t drowning - he was wrapped into protective alpha musk which filled his nostrils with every breath and calmed him. Someone was mumbling some relaxing nonsense to his ear as they gently stroked his hair. His vision was blurry from unshed tears- great, last thing he needed was more water, but it wasn’t worst problem right now  – room was too dark, he needed some light to make sure there wasn’t something covering his face.

“Dean?” Dean could feel that Cas was trying his best to stay calm, but it wasn’t easy for him.

He couldn’t reply – there was no way he could trust his voice at the moment. He shouldn’t be a damn crybaby who needed protective alpha to watch over him so he could get his four hours of sleep without the danger of vomiting or suffocating in his sleep, but apparently he _was_ broken piece of shit omega ass who did. Dean hated it. It wasn’t Cas’s fault that he was too weak to sleep alone anymore. Cas watched over him, making sure to wake him as another nightmare loomed over him. Dean would give anything to give up sleep at all, but days without any rest which had been filled with torture had exhausted him, leaving him no other choice but lie on his bed and struggle with his demons.

It was 6th night after Cas had saved him, but he was hardly fine. He would have liked to pretend that he was okay, but Cas wasn’t fool enough to buy it. Even if Dean could hide it during the day he hardly had any control over his nightmares – his distressed scent and screams were dead giveaway to oversensitive alpha nose. Dean wanted to push Cas away to hide all evidence how he was nothing more than weak omega bitch now – just like Alastair proved him to be. Or had he always been this week – would alpha be able to go through it without breaking? He had tried at first– two nights after incident to refuse Castiel’s help, but this was somehow even worse. Castiel’s heavenly scent was best cure he had against his seizures – it was pure ambrosia, which just didn’t belong to this hell he was reliving every damn day. It also calmed his awakening omega side - scenting protective alpha, it helped him to feel safe – no matter how much he wished to deny it. It was just too much for him to deal with, and Cas was his only support and also one of his main problems at once.

Cas- he was not sure if he was his salvation or his doom, perhaps both. Dean was completely unsure how to handle Cas right now and it seemed Cas knew no better. They circled around each other; both of them completely unsure how to deal with this mess they were wrapped in to. Dean had been lost the very moment he ever laid eyes upon Castiel and now he was stuck with this alpha as his only way out of this mess. Heck, Dean had actually been lost the very moment he accepted his damned scholarship – Alastair would have turned him anyway and he was sure he still would have fallen straight into his trap, only without ever meeting Cas he would have been left to rot in this pit for the rest of his life.

But he had met Cas and they had really fucked everything up right from the start. It was like a bad soap opera how they had started their rocky relationship - or whatever it should be called what they had right now. They had fought and refused to figure things out normally, then Alastair had fucked things up and ruined it for them causingunrepairable harm; then Cas made his stupid mistake (which Dean was pretty sure he would have done to, if situations had been reversed), though he had caused no real damage to Dean in process it still had ruined their relationship even more - and worst of all their own fucking biology was screwing with them leaving them pretty much no other choice than stick around each other.

Dean wasn’t scent bonded to Cas yet. His sense of smell hadn’t fully recovered, so though Cas smelt like heaven to him, but that essential “true-mate” factor was still elusive for him or he will never have to deal with it at all - in case his transformation somehow messed this up. If he wanted he could walk out and find another mate and bond with them – his animal side wasn’t tied as Cas was to him. He could leave Cas behind, before his senses returned and try to find another person to spend his life with, dooming Cas to be mate-less for life. Or Dean could just leave and spend his own life without a mate, but be still feel his inner animal pining after his “true-mate” forever. Yeah – so they could both still be alone and in misery. And the option to find another mate  - it seemed even worse to him as he was now an omega, there wasn’t really someone who would caught his interest or he would ever dare to risk to reveal his secret. He might end up claimed against his will by some knot-head alpha who would just use him as a toy or with weak beta who could never satisfy his cursed new _needs_. And all omega and beta chicks smelt plain wrong to him now – and he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them either as he now had useless dick. He was cursed to stay alone or risk mating either Cas who was at least meant to be his true-mate or some other alpha.   

As leaving would cause too much problems itself and put him in danger to be outed he stayed with Cas. It was even more confusing to be incredibly attracted to blue-eyed sex god and actually in some weird way still _wanting_ him. They had searched true-mates together and as sappy as the concept was, Dean didn’t doubt that they had meant to be together as alpha-alphas already. Their case was straight out of handbook and the attraction he had felt the first moment they had met was irrefutable. He couldn’t deny it as stupid fairytale – unfortunately it was true and he couldn’t dismiss it entirely as myth. Cas’s scent-bond to him only proved it more and his own lack of interest in others confirmed it. Even if Alastair had turned him into some fucking super bitch, who was “made to be _every_ alpha’s wet dream”, he hadn’t felt any attraction to anyone besides Cas. It was yet another sign that he was “meant to be for Cas first” and “bitch” later.

This was shocking to him and made him doubt his whole personality over again. Had he always been only into chicks or was his attraction to males just been suppressed thanks to his father harsh lessons? Or was he (mostly) straight but somehow his one true mate was male? It was hard for him to acknowledge, that he was meant to be with another alpha from the start. If there was one thing John had taught him to hate more than male omegas it would be alpha or beta pairs from same gender. To learn that he was supposed to want knot from the start was unsettling and terrified him. How was it even supposed to work – taking turns on fucking each other? To be honest he might have been in denial for years (or forever) if he had found out the truth as an alpha (no matter what is gut told him.)There were hints in the myths that rejecting the true mate had horribleconsequences- Dean knew he might have been stubborn enough to take that risk.

Well he _did_ desire Cas from the beginning, no matter how hard he tried to shake it. That’s why he had slept with so many chicks as possible, to _prove_ to himself that he was still okay and wasn’t _really_ into it- and it had been fruitless. Even as alpha he _had_ indeed been” into knot” and had hots for Cas, even if he would rather die than admit it out loud. He had wanted to fuck the other alpha senseless and claim him as mate. Dean had crashed those thoughts immediately, but it didn’t mean that they hadn’t been there in first place. Heck, he his stupid alpha had even considered him as mate few times, but he had always thought of it as accident rather than subconscious sign or reaction to his true mate.

As still developing omega things were even more fucked up for him. The attraction hadn’t vanished at all. He was still pining after sexy alpha, but now his instincts were telling him to fucking bend over and just take it like good little bitch. His body craved for Castiel’s touch and his new omega side yearned for his protection and love, seeking praise from this ( _his_ ) alpha. He couldn’t help that Cas scent meant home to him or how his presence was only place where he felt safe. He was powerless against his charms which often caused his body to produce ungodly amount of slick around him. He dreaded what will happen once his changes would be complete. He _already_ struggled to fight against his newfound instincts, but what will he do once his heat hits and he will be every bit of needy omega bitch begging to be filled?

He had re-read the part about omega heat, and what it will most likely do to him. Even for normal omega it was considered unbearable need to be fucked and bred- the need so strong that they literally fucked themselves with fake knots for days and often used fake alpha musk to make it through heat. According to book Crowley had sent him, he should expect far worse – he could only imagine how it would be even possible. It was hinted that no “toy” will relieve his suffering and fake alpha musk will do nothing. There was also something vague about “possible health damage” if he didn’t have alpha’s knot in his fucking ass, but there was nothing about this certain illness itself. There was also awful suggestion to find “helpful” alpha since having their cum inside omega’s system, would help to recover from the heat faster and make it easier for omega .It also proposed golden solution for omega like him to have unprotected sex and let alpha fill his hole with their damn spunk as it will cool down his heat and make it even easier to bare. It also “helped to connect mates and make their bond even stronger.” It was considered the _best_ solution for this kind of omega as it will be safe as long as both partners were clean from STDs and there will be no risk to get knocked up (unless damn alpha decided otherwise).

Dean was utterly disgusted by it. His best option was considered to ask some alpha to fill him and then hope the alpha will not change his mind and turn him into fucking baby factory instead? He should trust himself into hands of some knot-head and hope he will respect him enough to leave him unclaimed? (And he was supposedly the most “irresistible and intoxicating” omega type ever created). This was fucking sick! And if he didn’t have alpha he could trust enough to do that - he might cause “unpredictable serious health problems” to himself – fan-fucking-tastic!

He had asked Cas if Crowley had found anything, but the devastated look on alpha had told him all. He was going to be omega for time being and in worst (and most likely) case for the rest of his life. Cas had assured him that he will never stop looking for a cure, but it wasn’t solution - only faint hope for one. Dean couldn’t just accept that he might be permanently stuck as a bitch. Nothing could fix this damage that had been caused to him by this fucking son of a bitch sadistic alpha. He still hadn’t been able to tell Cas that it wasn’t exactly his fault at all as he was afraid that Cas might stop helping him if it wasn’t his responsibility anymore. His feelings regarding the blue eyed alpha were complete mess itself - there was desire, pining, mistrust, caution, safety, protection and most of all – plain confusion.

Dean really didn’t blame Cas for wishing to “destroy him” after he was convinced that he had raped Anna. He was more hurt by the fact Cas had believed him even capable for something like this, but considering their obsessive pissing contest and all consuming desire to defeat the other alpha it was really not that surprising. As he said- if he had thought Cas had done something like that to Sammy – he would have also shoot first and asked questions later. They hadn’t known each other at all – only the worst side had been displayed. Cas had been nothing but sorrowful and desperate to fix him (it wouldn’t have changed _anything_ if he would be the real culprit, but thing is _\- he wasn’t_ ). And compared to Alastair Castiel was an angel.

Cas was also his shield and protector, his only hope to ever find any cure and Dean could only hope that alpha will still agree to help him, even if he discovers the whole truth. If there would be one person who will benefit most of _not_ helping him it would be Cas. If Dean will stay as he is right now he will most likely be scent-mated to Cas the moment his changes are complete. Cas would have “perfect bitch” to claim and Dean would have no other choice but to obey him without complaint. He would be completely in Castiel’s mercy.

 Dean hated the stupid omega part of his brain which didn’t find it _so_ bad. Well- it wasn’t worst possible option, but it was hardly fair to him in any way. He wanted to have at least choice or some control over his own body-this was main reason he hadn’t revealed it to Cas that he wasn’t actually responsible for his misfortune. He didn’t know what kind of alpha Castiel truly was so he didn’t dare to trust him yet. It made him little guilty as he knew alpha was suffering and drowning in self-loathing and endlessly blaming himself for harming Dean. Heck, Cas had nearly died in most slow and painful way alpha could naturally experience – only because he believed he was the one behind it. It was high price to pay for something he hadn’t actually done at all. It wasn’t Cas’s fault that Alastair had turned him into bitch – if anything he should only thank Cas for saving him from eternal hell. So far Cas was nothing but caring and overprotective alpha who desperately tried to help him. Will it change once he will learn that he wasn’t to blame? He spent huge amount of money on possible solutions (or attempts to find one.) He was doing everything in his power to keep Dean’s secret and make sure he was fine. Cas did his damn best to ensure that Dean would feel that little comfort and safety he could offer him. If Dean would let him Cas will probably spend rest of his damn life carrying him in his arms and trying to please him.

 The problem was that Dean didn’t know if it was only because Cas felt guilty and only tried to redeem himself ( as he was still unaware that he wasn’t to blame) or if Cas was actually just good alpha who would care about him enough as he was supposedly his “true mate” and still try to help him. Just because they were “meant to be” didn’t magically fix everything between them. Dean still needed to get to know him before he could trust him enough to know that Cas would truly want what’s best for Dean. It might be tempting for Cas to give up finding cure so he could have Dean as his perfect bitch. If Cas was the person Dean wished him to be (and so far who he seemed to be) he would still do everything in his power to help him as person, even if it might cost Cas his submissive omega side of his mate.

It was eternal conflict to deal with his feelings for Cas. Often he was upset with the alpha, but _why_? Was he bitter because Alastair had fucked him up and he was bitch now and envied Cas for being unchanged? That would be really low of him – Cas didn’t deserve that, no one did. Was Dean angry that Cas had been born to be his true mate – if they weren’t for mates Dean would have to deal with his recent interest in knot and would have lived happily ever after, totally unknowing that he might ever experience desire for another alpha?  Nope – fucking Alastair would have turned him before he would have graduated and he would have ended up much worse than now – Cas had saved him from that as well. Besides it would be unfair to punish dude for being his “true mate” it’s not like he had any say in it. (Dean would be as guilty if he would use it as argument against their “special connection.”)

He had tried to hate him – but dude made it fucking difficult. From very start there was something about Cas which made it hard to really shake him for good– it had been easy to fight with him since the alpha’s need to get Cas’s submission had been pure obsession for him ( and he had hoped he will get rid of his unwanted attraction towards other guy). It had been easy after he had thought Cas was to blame for his fucking change, but after meeting Alastair even that anger had pretty much vanished –leaving behind only confusion. Cas had nearly fucking died of guilt (and was still suffering – one wrong move from Dean and Cas’s alpha will leash another attack against him).Cas went out of his way to help him and did everything he could to protect him – he had proven it over and over again.

It was hard to stare into his teary blue eyes when he woke Dean from another nightmare stroking his hair gently and did his best to calm him. It was impossible to see the evil monster in Cas- if anything the dude looked like kicked puppy who tried to earn his masters forgiveness. It was only thanks to Cas that he actually could feel at least some comfort and get through his day. It wasn’t his fault that Dean still wanted him (and felt like shit about it), his new omega side actually wanted to get fucked by him – and it scared the shit out of him. He would like to blame it all to his changes, but it had always been there just as alpha he had fantasized to be on top while they might do it. (Yeah- he _had_ dreamed of it- sue him!)

 No matter what he did he did desire him sexually and at the same time it scared the shit out of him. He felt ashamed and loathed himself – if Dean wouldn’t be such coward he would have been able to accept that he was into fucking dudes- so what? It was only his own fucking stubbornness (and fear of his father) that made it hard for him to admit that having sex with Cas would have been something he might have wanted. And now he was damn “super bitch” and he did want it – _badly_. Sex itself had never been such deal to him (well it would have been difficult to admit he was into dude, but the desire to do so had been there with Cas), but the need to just take it into his fucking ass- _that was new_ (and something he was _never_ supposed to _want_ if he hadn’t been turned into damn omega.)

How could he so desperately want to have sex and dread it at the same time? Sex had always been just physical pleasure to him- random chicks to knot and fuck – no strings attached. He had always been bit kinky and enjoyed many crazy things in bedroom – frisky chicks with sexy rules had been the best. So who cared if he had secretly worn pink panties once? He had let chicks top on before- giving them control. He had never experienced difficulties with different role games. His new change shouldn’t have changed his attitude towards sex itself.

Of course he had never been with guy (despite wanting this one alpha in his life.) Now he was a damn bitch and sex itself was supposed to be what it had been – just for a pleasure. But of course that son of the bitch Alastair had taken even that from him. He didn’t have a knot anymore – even playing with his dick wasn’t nearly as good as it had been. His new desires involved river of slick flooding out of his now too empty hole, but Dean was still too disgusted to even touch himself from down there ( he wasn’t that desperate yet). It seemed to be nearly impossible for him to reach his orgasm without anal stimulation now, so he had truly bad case of blue balls to deal with. Being around the object of his desires made it only worse, his new instincts and his overwhelming attraction arousing him constantly, but without dealing with his problem it left him just more unsatisfied and frustrated than before.

Can he ever have sex again at all? Will he ever dare to have it again? Even if he could move past his reluctance to take it like omega, will he ever be able to trust someone like this? He knew from personal experience how fucking strong was the desire to “fuck the bitch full” and breed them, claim them – he had been an alpha and it wasn’t easy at all to control this instinct. Dean had never wanted to be one of those alphas who were using knot as a brain, but it still took him years to learn such self-control so he could trust himself near delicious scent of omega. One wrong partner and he will end up as claimed bitch forced to obey his unwanted alpha. He wasn’t going to take his chance at all- dating any alphas. It would mean that he would be outed as omega and is willing to accept his fate. It was way too dangerous. He could never trust some random alpha like that.

It only left him one option again – Cas. If he can’t be cured will he ever be able to accept him as his mate? Dean liked the dude or at least what he saw in him now. Cas wasn’t bad person in general, but caring and attentive alpha. They had been “meant to be” from the start – his change hadn’t affected that – it made it only more difficult to deal with him now as he was omega. Cas smelt like heaven, was his only protector and comfort right now. If book was right and he will have no way to change back - then being mated would free him of obeying all other alphas – he would be only tied to his mate. Dean didn’t exactly want to be his bitch (although his new reactions made it lot easier to take it as one if needed as his new body was literally made for wanting it). But he would still be completely under his alphas control. Cas could be traditional alpha and refuse to let him have his own will once he was claimed. How could he trust Cas to respect Dean’s own choices?

In worst case of scenario Dean will stay as bitch. It will be impossible to hide it forever, he will be completely alone and vulnerable. He can never have sex again (and his body craved for it even now – what the hell will he do in heat?) He will be always paranoid and in danger to be claimed against his will or kidnapped by another monster. His own family would sell him off on first opportunity; he will never have many (if any) options for good job. Without money he will never be able to hide his scent and sooner or later he will be discovered. Staying without a chosen mate will be extremely difficult ( and probably worse for him)– and there were few who even wanted to mate male bitch, even fewer who actually respected them as human beings. He would have to fight every damn day against his own body and the chance to slip was too high. He knew the statistics of male omega rape or kidnaps- far too many of them were taken or claimed against their will, or left pregnant and dumped as trash. Odds would never be in his favor – he would likely end up back in his worst nightmare.

Dean couldn’t help single tear falling to his cheek .His _best_ and _safest_ option would be mating Cas for real. They might have been true mates but it was never supposed go like _this_. There was a reason they had both been born as alphas right? They were supposed to be equals in this once they would have gotten their heads out of their asses. Now his only tolerable option would be blindly trusting Cas in everything. He hadn’t even completed his fucking change before he was already reduced to be traditional helpless omega who depended on his alpha on fucking everything! And it was true – he was already (even _without_ mating) completely under Castiel’s power. He _needed_ his help and protection – hell without it he would still be in that torture chamber and once he would have given up he would have ended up as whore. His whole life was literally in Cas’s hands and he could only hope that alpha would find it precious and treat it as such.

Right now his only hope was that Cas would be this rare alpha who will do anything for their mate and threat them with respect. How will he figure him out? At the moment he was the sweetest and most adorable alpha he had ever met (the best he could hope for as omega bitch) - but what if it was only because his self-blaming? If Dean will tell him truth – and he must do that at some point, since if he rejected Cas or said anything wrong again– alpha might be dying again (slowly and painfully). This was his only assurance at the moment – if Cas will prove to be typical knot head and possessive jerk (though he didn’t act like one at all anymore) – Dean could trigger his alpha attack once again and let it finish its job (he recoiled from that idea – well he would never let it get _this_ far to actually endanger his damn life). Right now Cas was still suffering from his alpha’s anger- but it was held back since his alpha side had decided he was needed to keep Dean (“his mate”) safe. As long as Dean let him dote on him – Cas’s alpha was pleased and didn’t attempt for another self-destruction episode.

Perhaps he _should_ give him a try? It was only question of trust and their extremely bad situation, not the lack of interest itself. There was literally no better option than take his risk with Cas. Perhaps Cas will care enough of him so he would continue to search for cure? And if there is none to be found he will learn to accept Dean’s wishes? Of course Dean will not be stupid enough to let the alpha claim him right now (if ever). The scent-bond was probably unavoidable as it was not intentional at all – it was pure chemical reaction which tied animal sides together in unbreakable bond. They could at least _try_ to figure something out together. Sex part would be hardest to accept – it wasn’t like he didn’t want Cas this way, because he did (badly). But by his fucking super bitch abilities if Cas so much as hinted he will want to knock him up (most used dirty talk by alphas during sex ever) – his fucking body will betray him and he might go into instant heat so he could please his alpha by opportunity to immediately provide him pup. How sick was that?

Not having sex with him was also not an option if he would mate him for real ( sex was needed for even creating the full mating bond) – it will make him permanently frustrated and during his fucking heat it might be even necessary to have knot in his damn ass if he didn’t want to get those possible health damages. The book even _suggested_ to have alpha’s junk in his hole without any extra protection – since he had so fucking amazing” birth control”. He will never have to get knocked up until his alpha decided so – wasn’t this damn blessing? It would be great if only he would have any fucking say in it himself! Again to be sure he will not end up _pregnant –_ Dean would have to _trust_ Cas without doubt.

Perhaps he should show Cas how fucking hopeless his condition was? So he wouldn’t accidentally trigger any unwanted reactions from him. If Dean was even giving him a trial run as mate then it would be essential to teach Cas how to communicate with him without Dean turning into his obedient little bitch. Perhaps he could see if Cas was alpha he seemed to be now- the caring type. Cas didn’t need to know that Dean might _need_ to mate him for his own safety. Other alphas would leave him mostly alone then and as his mate Cas would never let anyone harm him – it was against alphas protective nature. Mating Cas would be his _only_ way to ensure he is protected from such fate – he would only have to bend over for him. If he would be outed and his father will throw him out- he would have place to go. And if he would fail to have job- alpha would provide for him (he hated it, but it was better than ending up as homeless omega who will most likely end up in another brothel). If Cas felt so guilty he might let Dean push him around a little; making them more equal – it was best plan he could hope for..

Dean shook violently – was he really going to do this right now? Was there any point to wait? Sammy had always told to talk about his feelings. The last thing Dean wanted would be explaining Cas how pathetic creature he was now, but if Cas would be aware of his “special abilities” then he would be more careful with him. Dean had to hold back bitter laugh – Cas already treated him like fine china – he could only imagine how difficult would it be for dude to control every damn word and action he might do, not to mention his core instincts as alpha. If Cas cared for him enough then perhaps they will find their own way in this purgatory.

***

He pushed startled alpha away from him, who was still sitting on his bed and stroking Dean’s hair and whispered calming nonsense to him. Dean got up and without saying anything searched for his omega handbook, flipping through pages in hurry to open the right page about alpha-alpha changes. Taking a deep breath he offered it to Cas, who was staring at him in pure horror.

“You… um, might want to take a look at that- it is some fucking extra addiction of my fabulous new gender. I need you to know this shit so you wouldn’t accidentally trigger any of this without my permission.” Dean said.

“You want me to read it?” Cas sounded wrecked, like he was forced to read his own fucking death sentence. Oh, fuck- he _might_ if his fucking stupid alpha side will freak out again.

“Don’t freak out, okay? I just need you to know so you could avoid bossing me around like slave. It is only so you could help me to get better.” Dean tried to smile to lighten the mood and show him this was not meant as anaccusation, but purely for information. He still didn’t want to outright say that it wasn’t actually Cas’s fault at all - and give up his only protection in case Cas will decide Dean is totally powerless against him if he will just order it.

He looked as Cas slip over the pages, making little whimpers and letting out quiet sobs as he read over the most horrible parts. His hands actually trembled so badly it was miracle the book hadn’t fallen down and heavy tears were falling on it creasing its pages. Dean felt sudden urge to just tell him everything, but bit his lip. His omega side was a mess – complaining loudly in his head and needing desperately to comfort his alpha. Dean took hesitant step closer to put his hand on Cas’s shoulder in attempt to relax him – it wouldn’t be enough to take away his pain, but perhaps it will prevent his alpha from breaking through and start his favorite “Cas-killing-mission”. His own need to soothe Cas lessening only slightly from this form of contact. 

“How can you even be near me?  I can’t even stand to see myself in the mirror anymore. How can you even…”  The utter disgust in his wrecked voice making Deanflinch as the rest of the sentence wasn’t understandable thanks to heavy sobs wrecking alpha’s body. Of course it only made him even more self-loathing. Dean felt little guilty about not correcting him – alpha didn’t deserve to be in misery forever.

“Cas,” Damn, his pet name for alpha had just dropped out without any previous thought. It was way too weak and _caring_ for even pretend it had been anything else than attempt of reassurance. And now he was trapped under intense blue eyes which were looking at him like … Dean was his fucking sun or something – the last hope for dying man before being dragged back to hell. Dean was powerless against that stare and could only glare back. He _should_ give him cold shoulder right now- if only to protect himself for unknown reaction he will get once Cas learns the truth, but if those fucking puppy eyes were watching him like this… Fuck – Cas didn’t deserve to unnecessarily suffer only so that Dean could have something to hold over him just so he could _use_ him for his own purpose. His carefully laid plan to figure out what kind of person Cas actually was before telling him everything, went up in flames as he melted under alphas stare.

 Had he always been such softie? Little eye-sex and he fucking melted? What the heck could Dean actually tell him so alpha will feel _slightly_ less horrible? There was nothing in his mind that could find _any_ excuse which might help alpha at all ( it would be lie anyway). Cas truly believed he was guilty and there was no redemption for him (for damn good reason if he had been the one who did it). And he might actually _die_ if his alpha continued this self-destruction …Dean couldn’t do this to him – he can’t be so selfish (even if he desperately wished to be for his own safety.) He will tell Cas the truth and pray that he was as good person as he seemed to be –he will risk and hope Cas will respect his free will. If he was so compassionate and disgusted by his changes, it was likely he will still be willing to help him find out anything.

Dean froze in horror as he realized what he had previously planned to do. He would have let Cas suffer for unbeknown amount of time so he would protect him and pay huge amounts of money to find “miracle cure”, which possibly even didn’t exist. He would have used him only for his money and his protection – Dean felt sick with himself. It was _as_ horrible as the only thing he could even slightly (truly) accuse Cas for - his fake deal with Crowley which he had made in anger and it hadn’t even been the real reason Dean was fucking bitch now. _This_ honor belonged to Alastair and damn Crowley not _Cas_.

For words spoken in furious stage where he had “wished to destroy Dean” without even making it clear _what_ he wanted to be done to Dean exactly. ( Dude would have probably failed to do anything more than scratch his baby a bit( without Crowley making his damn offer and coaxing him into it as was Alastair’s plan all along) and then after learning the truth he would have been drowning in self-loathing and begging for Dean’s forgiveness.) Cas was too innocent to ever have _wished_ something like _this_ even in his worst. His alpha would have prevented it and probably started self-destruction at once -causing damage to others went against Cas’s true nature. He had almost _died_ once he learned that Dean was omega now and even worse for his alpha side– his true mate. He _was_ scent-bonded to Dean and he could never have another mate – no wonder his alpha got pissed when he thought he had harmed his only mate irreversibly and lost him forever. Alphas were meant to protect their mates- to hurt one – well it was one of the few things that definitely could trigger alpha annihilation button.

Cas had done nothing to save himself from Dean’s wrath (after his “deal”)- he pretty much would have offered his own head on silver plate if Dean would only have asked. And now after learning truth from Alastair it was truly unfair to punish Cas forever. Just because Alastair was sick son of a bitch and had doomed Dean forever it didn’t give Dean any right to downright use Cas like that – his own personal shield of unfair world.

It had been so easy to blame Cas for everything- his own fucking inability to just accept that his mate was dude and had always been one – Dean had wanted to deny it so much that he wanted to have at least _some_ reason to reject him on the first given opportunity. Dean didn’t hate him – he had been fucking afraid of his own undeniable attraction to other alpha male (he still was, but compared to his more prominent problems which he had dealt with already and is still going to face in near future - being attracted to dude was hardly is worst problem.) They had been meant to be for each other as alpha-alphas and now as omega he still fucking craved for him – turning hadn’t affect their connection itself at all. Only their fucked up lives and their own stubbornness and blind obsession without any real communication had screwed everything up before they even had a chance to get to know each other. Alastair had rubbed it to him for days- how they had been so typical knot heads that they had been falling straight to his trap without him having to worry about their status as mates and ruining his grand plan in progress.

Something in him shifted as he stared into those azure orbs. The scent of alpha’s distress (underestimation of century) was making him fidget uncomfortably as it filled the air making it almost impossible to breathe. Dean was going to fix this right now. He couldn’t stand it anymore seeing his mate in such agony… - fuck, had he just accepted Cas as his mate?

It hit him like ton of a bricks- that missing part of Cas’s scent finally unveiling itself to him. He gasped as he felt his omega side tying itself to Cas- making him his undeniable mate, there can never be no-other for him. It was most powerful connection he had ever felt- they _were meant to be together_ , there was simply no other option for them. They could not be separated; they were parts of one whole. They will never be complete without each other – no matter their gender alpha or omega. 

Dean had wanted to say something important to him right? It had been in his mind only moments ago, there had been something monumental to confess to Cas, but he was too damn dizzy to remember. He had needed it to fix Cas - to make his scent all right again…Oh, his scent! – Dean needed to cover it with his own, to show everyone that his mate was taken, Cas was _Dean’s_. He was burning and only Cas could cool him down. He was dripping wet, but he couldn’t care less right now. His skin itched to be touched by Cas. They needed to complete the bond, so Cas could take this horrible ache away and cover Dean with his heavenly scent. Why did it ache so much? He was awfully empty without his mate buried deep inside him. Why didn’t Cas claim him already as he should – they needed to complete the bond? Dean was _burning_ for him, acing to be filled – why didn’t Cas help? Couldn’t he see that Dean needed it? Perhaps his alpha needed encouragement? Dean stepped closer to Cas, there was nothing else in the world that mattered to him right now – all he could ever want was right in front of him. Cas was right here, heavenly, perfect and absolutely…terrified?

Omega was confused, why didn’t his alpha claim what was rightfully his? Dean needed him, he was fucking burning and Cas could make it alright.

“Don’t come closer!”

The rough words were like slap to his face. His alpha didn’t want him? Was he rejected? But they were mates, his alpha was supposed to need him back. The ache deepened and it was even harder to resist his desire to just present. He needed to do _anything_ ; perhaps he could please his alpha so he will accept him then? There ain’t no Dean when there was no Cas. Without his alpha what was left of him? He needed to try again.

“Cas, I need you.” He all but begged.

His alpha seemed utterly terrified as his beautiful face twisted in disgust and he all but ran out of the room, leaving Dean behind in the empty room. It was most painful thing he had ever felt. He could feel how his omega side turned against him- he had been _rejected_ by his true mate. There was only one purpose for him – to please his alpha and be good mate. His mate couldn’t even be in the same room with him while he was in heat acing for him. – There had been actual tears on Cas’s eyes as he left him to suffer in his heat alone. Dean was so disgusting to him that even his true mate had fled the moment he had scented him. He bundled on floor trying to hold his broken pieces together by hugging his knees as hellfire was lit in his veins. He had been rejected- he wasn’t needed by his alpha – his omega was reacting accordingly and activated his self-destruction mode. Dean could only hope it will be over soon- that this weak creature inside him would be good enough for at least finishing _this_ job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this one - I cryied as i wrote it. How can I fuck things up so badly for them - they deserve best and they will have to deal with this instead. This story is completely out of my control.


	14. Heat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this one- this is not my best one. I sucked at writing it, but I wanted to post it before New Year.
> 
> Warnings: dub con.

 

 

Castiel was running as fast as he could far away from their dorm room, without being aware of scared students jumping out of his way or how all of them bared their necks to him – even the alphas. He knew that his eyes were glowing bright red and he couldn’t stop his low warning growls which escaped him every time someone was too close to him. He could barely keep himself for starting a fight – he was hardly in any control over his snarling alpha, who made him no better than wild mindless animal.

 It took all his effort _do_ _not_ turn around and mount Dean and claim him as _his_ – if he hadn’t been so miserable and on  protective mode, he would have _raped_ Dean then and there as his alpha was rapidly gaining complete control over him, making him feral beast with only one tracked mind – _mine, mate, knot, claim, breed._ Never in his life had he been so out of control, so ferocious - it was miracle he had been able to flee at all, few moments later he would have just taken Dean and claimed him.

Even now the rational part of him was having ardent battle with his alpha side as he forced to think about how it would have _harmed_ Dean if he would have let his alpha to take over. It was probably the _only_ argument which was affecting his ludicrous alpha at all, backing it off long enough for Castiel to run, as his alpha had  short inner battle between deciding which was more important right now – claiming or protecting its mate. His animal side wouldn’t care about moral or ethics nor how it was wrong to behave like that. The only thing that mattered to his dumb animal side was its mate – protecting him and owning him, making him happy and sated. His alpha wouldn’t be bothered if he would claim or breed him- in fact it was in its very core to do _want_ exactly that. There was no reasoning with his alpha- but the thought of harming Dean was taboo in short list of things they both agreed on.

Still it wouldn’t have worked if he had stayed for any longer - Castiel had to escape before his alpha could make poor decision (there was no doubt what was more important to his stupid animal side, as it didn’t consider itself mortal danger to Dean) and surrounded by Dean’s divine scent there was _no way_ it would have resisted much longer.

Once he was calm enough to have more than two unaffected brain cells to call his own, he stopped. Where was he going? Dean _needed_ some help right now- his help. There was no one he could trust to help Dean with his problem – not that he _could_ exactly trust himself either. He was greatest danger to Dean of all – his alpha was obsessed with its true mate, it was Castiel who was affected most by Dean. Ironically it was also safest for Dean if it was _Castiel_ who helped him. Others would not be so careful with Dean, they could never find him so precious as Castiel did nor care for him like he did. Even though is alpha wanted to claim Dean as his own, Castiel would never be careless alpha who would treat his mate badly if it somehow would have accidentally happened.

But how could he help Dean exactly? Castiel couldn’t even be in the same room with him without trying to jump him! From what he had read in this horrendous book Dean had shown him – Dean was some kind of extra omega, who could _never_ be sated _without_ alphas knot in his ass, preferably _without_ any extra layer between their bodies. If this book was right about this type of unnaturally created omega, then Dean will suffer in unbearable pain and damage his health seriously in progress and in worst cases cause permanent harm to himself without an alpha’s knot. This was not acceptable! It was beyond terrible what had been done to Dean – _NO,_ he corrected himself - What _he_ _had done_ to him. Dean was supposedly some kind of special omega now – one completely amenable by alphas will. It was sickening – like being turned to omega wasn’t atrocious enough!

There was nothing in this world that could make up for that- Castiel was doomed and he had cursed his true mate himself- he ruined everything he touched. The only reason his alpha _hadn’t_ finished its rightful attack against Castiel was so he could protect and help Dean now – it was Castiel’s responsibility to look after him - even if it could never be enough. But he was the only one who could save him from worse fate like falling in hands of some monster like Alastair (not that he was any better himself).It was one beast against the other, but he would never let someone harm Dean like Alastair had done. In weird and fucked up way Castiel was devil on Dean’s shoulder who was trying to be his guardian angel.

Unfortunately he had no idea where to start his new mission. He hadn’t slightest idea what he could do to help. Perhaps it would be practical to start from most urgent problems? Well since there was nothing he could to do to change Dean back right now, he needed to deal with his dangerous heat topic. What _could_ be done to help Dean in his unbearable heat? Castiel could buy every fake knot in the world, but it wouldn’t help Dean at slightest. Dean physically _needed_ a knot – it might cause permanent damage if he didn’t get one. Basically someone needed to rape Dean so he would stay healthy and not suffer in intolerable heat. He felt bile in his mouth at that thought – it was painful to even think about someone being forced to have sex, but the thought of Dean in this position…Castiel had to bite his lip to silence whine escaping from his mouth, though it didn’t stop the tears falling from his eyes.

 How could he “help” Dean with that? He couldn’t risk his health – it might crush even the slightest hope that he could ever change back to alpha. Dean’s body was already vulnerable and damaged enough. The thought of letting anyone else touch him was unthinkable – no one could be trusted with him. Dean would _need_ an alpha for his heat and every knot head would try to claim him or knock him up, not to mention treat him poorly like he was just object. But it was even worse to think of doing it himself – how could he?

Castiel had done enough damage already! He was the _last_ person Dean would _ever_ want to touch him in this way- _in any way_! His alpha wanted Dean above all else – by this point Dean was the only reason Castiel was even still alive- to help him as well as he could. As his true mate it would be impossible to not claim him in progress. Being so close to Dean and his heavenly scent Castiel _would_ lose his control- his alpha _would_ take over. Castiel knew he could not hold back his alpha second time – it had been merely luck that had gotten him out of this room. Now he would be feral animal with only basic instinct to mate. His alpha would feel no restrains – it would take Dean and use his body for its own animalistic desires.

He slumped to the floor and cried silently. _Was he really going to rape Dean?_ It was the only way to help him at all, but it was also the worst thing he could do to himself and to Dean inprocess. Castiel _didn’t want_ to have sex with Dean – _not like this, never like this_! In most sardonic way he would also rape himself – not that it would matter how _he_ would feel about it. But Dean would hate him foreve- suddenly he was laughing, bitter bursts of laughter making his body tremble. It was ridiculous thought to begin with. On the bright side Dean _couldn’t_ possibly hate him much more than he already did – it wouldn’t be humanly possible. So no problem on this end at least.

So Castiel was going to knot him – Dean had been more than willing in his heat affected state to have him. Physically Dean wanted him and so did Castiel. Even if the thought of touching Dean without his cognizant permission was wrong and unwanted to both of them – he _couldn’t_ help but desire Dean. How couldn’t he? Dean was perfect; he was most beautiful person he had ever met- inside and out. He was his true mate – he smelt like home to him. Dean was _everything_ he could ever want. It would have been impossible _do not_ want him – _but not like this_.  Dean was supposed to be worshipped and taken care off; and most importantly - Dean should have opportunity to say _no_ \- which he _hadn’t,_ notwithout harming himself by doing so. He was also in heat and therefore physically suffering if he would refuse him.

Well, Castiel _was_ really going to do it, wasn’t he? Though it was hardly what he wanted, it was unfortunately what _needed_ to be done. However unwilling it was to his mind- his body and alpha would be _more_ than on board with this idea. He was incredibly attracted to Dean and he didn’t doubt he would find physical pleasure by their intercourse.  The problem would be his alpha side - if he was supposed to knot him…He could just forbid him to get pregnant (it was clearly marked as extra ability to this “extraordinary” omega type – they were so perfectly (sickeningly) obedient to alphas that their need do obey would prevent any unwanted child for alpha.

 It would be difficult to command this from Dean (his alpha would not see any reason of this command and would _hardly_ _want_ to prevent it), but he could manage this – the pup would be last thing they needed right now. It would be most horrible violation against Dean and no matter how much his stupid alpha side would be willing to have one- Castiel couldn’t let this happen. Dean wasn’t breeding tool – and Castiel was monster, but even he wouldn’t be so heartless. This was going to be huge problem – he would need to make it clear once and then suppress his feral alpha instinct to “breed” his mate. (And it will be miracle if he will have _any_ control over his alpha at all if he will be _this_ close to Dean in heat.) No matter how much he was against _breeding_ himself- his alpha was still seeing it as most desirable byproduct of their copulation. It was going to be difficult, but it wasn’t his _worst_ problem. 

How could he prevent claiming him? It was the one thing he absolutely refused do risk happening. This wasn’t something Dean needed (quite opposite actually) – so he will not allow his alpha do have its way with him. He would not force his _claim_ on Dean - true mate or not. If he accidentally bit him, Dean would be really mated to him for life – there was no way to undo claim. Of course it was also in his nature – the _need_ to claim. Dean’s perfection wasn’t helping him at all.

Castiel couldn’t help but _want_ to have Dean, no matter how unworthy he was, but he _knew_ he couldn’t ever have him and _why_. _His alpha however didn’t_ – to his animal side Dean was its true mate and _rightfully_ his to claim. Even if he knew it was wrong he actually _wanted_ to mate Dean. So how was he going to stop his alpha if he couldn’t even convince himself that it would be something he “ _didn’t_ ” want? He needed to control himself- battle which was lost beforehand – even if he could have enough self-control it was still too risky. One whiff of his scent and he will be gone – lost to his alpha. If he could only make himself immune to his scent…

Suddenly an idea came for him. It was still hazardous, but it might make it easier. Determined he headed to pharmacy – there was no point to waste time if he was forced to do it anyway. It was something neither of them wanted, but it was needed to keep Dean safe – well as safe as he could, so he was going to do it. Now he only needed to make few preparations to make it easier.

The chemist was surprised when he asked for scent blocker – the one which affected his sense of smell for time being, making him incapable to smell Dean. It would not last long, but if he was careful it should work. It was usually (but rarely) used on alphas who worked with omegas in closed quarters to prevent danger to assault them. It was mostly used on prison guards who needed to be alphas (to ensure better protection against dangerous criminals) – no beta was considered good enough for this job, but alphas were affected by omegas – so they blocked their senses. It was not common for alpha do use one (who would like to block their senses), but it was not unheard off. He could see curiosity on vendors face, but fortunately his face must have changed her mind about asking any questions.

He took his pills immediately and headed back to their apartment. He could already feel how the scents became muffled and slowly begun to fade. He was still nervous- they all smelt like dung to him compared to Dean’s wonderful scent, will it be enough? It had to work – he couldn’t fail and make it any worse than it already was. He moved as slowly as he could- unwilling to take this cursed responsibility.  Every now and then he stopped and considered turning around – he couldn’t do this, this was so wrong. His first time with mate was supposed to be something beautiful and cherished – not some act of fornication and abuse forced upon them. If there had been any other way he would have taken it, the only reason he was even going back was so he could relive Dean’s physical pain and prevent any lasting damage on his health. As he said – there was nothing he could do to make Dean hate him anymore than he already did anyway. Castiel had nothing to lose himself.

And it hurt like hell. No matter how much he reminded himself that he was a monster and didn’t deserve to be loved, that he deserved every awful thing in the universe – it still tore him apart inside. It was extra punishment to him as well – life giving him everything he had ever wanted and then twisting it in most horrendous way. He had always wanted to be good and loving alpha to his mate – no matter their gender. Sure he had mostly thought his mate would be omega or beta – but it never really mattered to him. He was lucky enough to meet his true mate and also stupid enough to destroy the one being he was programmed to love the most. He had destroyed every chance to ever hold his mate and he was about to accept this fact- no matter how much it hurt – and again life found a way to push him back to his mate- only to harm him again. There was only so much hurt a man could take!

All his thoughts vanished as he opened the apartment room with trembling fingers – it didn’t matter now. Dean needed it physically and this needed to be done – no matter how great violation it was against their status as mates and as persons with free will. He forced himself to take a deep breath – relieved to find that his scent blocking pill was working- he didn’t scent a damn thing, which was good. Attentively he entered and closed the door behind him, to prevent any other alphas scenting Dean’s heat. Realizing that he couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer – he turned around dreading what he will find.

Castiel didn’t know what he had been expecting – perhaps Dean fucking something or working his fingers into his aching body as he would try to satisfy the empty feeling. However he wasn’t expecting to find trembling body on the floor, as whines of pain escaped him. He could hear words “rejected”, “not good enough” and “broken” all over again among with other unintelligible mutters. This didn’t make any sense to him, but he ran to Dean nonetheless trying to reach Dean, so he could stop such irrational behavior. He lifted Dean into his arms and carried him to his bed – there was no need for Dean to suffer on cold floor. He weighed nearly nothing in his strong arms as he held him close to his chest, selfishly memorizing the feeling for later. Dean was still rambling some foolishness, but now he was also rubbing himself all over Castiel as if he was trying to get even closer to him. When he tried to put him down on the bed- Dean cried and begged him to stay – do not leave him here.

 Before he could reply to him, Dean opened his jade green eyes traced with gold. Castiel couldn’t help alpha red bleeding into his own as he watched this – his cursed body was already reacting to Dean’s even without being able to smell him.

“Dean?”

“Alpha, please!” There was no need to ask what those words meant. He could already feel his alpha trying to take control and his cock was already rock hard, ready to take his omega. It was difficult even now- every instinct in his body demanding to mount Dean and claim him, the sight of Dean like this – helpless and begging for him was only making it harder to do what he had to. He pushed his alpha back and ignored its protests as he turned to Dean.

“Dean, I need you to understand that I don’t want to get you pregnant.”

Dean whimpered and lowered his golden eyes in submission, “Yes, alpha”.

It was so wrong and it hurt Castiel to see Dean like this- no matter how beautiful his alpha side found this, Dean wasn’t supposed to be like this- obedient little omega. It angered him to no end and it must have been clear on his scent as Dean let out another heartbreaking sob and grabbed his hand.

“Please, don’t leave me alpha. I can do that, please don’t be angry.”

The words were so quiet that Castiel had to wonder if he had imagined them, but the broken look on Dean’s face was enough. Castiel let out broken sob and reeled back, he couldn’t do this. He needed to leave- it was to wrong. He couldn’t bring himself to harm Dean like that – he might be a monster, but he couldn’t take advance of someone like that- especially of someone so pure and precious. He couldn’t do this to anyone, but to force himself on someone he loved- it was against everything he believed in, against everything he was. How could he even _think_ of doing that before? – He wasn’t capable for something like this.

He took another step away from Dean, horrified of himself and afraid what he might do. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from beautiful man in front of him, who was suddenly perfectly still, looking him with terrified expression on his handsome face. It was blessing he couldn’t scent him right now- there was no doubt he couldn’t stand distress in it. And then Dean did something that he could never forget- he crumbled to the bed and locked his eyes with him, saying only one word, which was breaking something in Castiel permanently.

“Cas,”

 There was something about the way Dean said it which broke Castiel completely. It was like Dean didn’t believe he deserved him, like he accepted that he was good for nothing, like it was Castiel’s right to just let him to suffer. Castiel was lost – how could someone so beautiful not see that they were worth everything. He couldn’t leave Dean like that, but he needed to leave for Dean’s own good. He tried to move back, but he was frozen to the place, unable to move.

“Dean, I can’t…” Whatever he was about to say vanished from his mind as Dean let out sharp cry. With moment Castiel’s alpha pushed him aside and took over completely, ignoring his attempts to push it back - there was nothing but instinct now. His mate was hurt and asking for him – his alpha didn’t hesitate and surged forward to clash their mouths together in hungry kiss.

It was everything – Dean tasted even better than he smelled; something about honey and cinnamon mingled with all the most delicious things in the world.  He couldn’t get enough of it as he licked into his mouth, dragging his tongue over Dean’s in desperate need to get more. He was burning with need to bury himself deep into his mate, to show him exactly just how wonderful and loved he was. He needed to lock them together and claim him – to show everyone that this beautiful creature was _his_. He ripped the offending clothing from omega’s body – it was total waste to cover up something so beautiful anyway. This was canvas to be worshiped, to be marked as his.

The omega was making most intoxicating moans which went straight to his cock as alpha touched every available place on his skin he could reach. He had no idea what they were whispering between hot breaths they took between their kisses, but he couldn’t care less. All he needed to know was that his mate was pliant and warm in his arms, begging for him to fill him up and he was more than happy to comply. He was already achingly hard, but he needed to learn more about those beautiful sounds he could draw out of his mate. He savored the slick flooding from his mate’s ass, groaning as it was almost too good for him, making him drunk and dizzy. After first mouthful he was already addicted and he praised his omega for letting him have it. He couldn’t hold back much longer though – he needed to be inside of his mate.

Why wasn’t he already? There was some nagging voice in back of his head screaming at him, but it could wait – nothing was more important than his mate right now. His omega needed him and he couldn’t deny him anything – not that he wanted to. Still he was careful enough to ignore his own need and prepare his mate first. It was much more important to show his mate that he was thoughtful alpha and could please him- the mate worthy of him.

He pushed first finger into his mate along with his tongue and was rewarded with his mate attempt to push back to his movements moaning softly.

“Please!”

Alpha groaned and moved faster, pushing in another finger – there was barely any resistance and his mate was keening in pleasure.

“I’m ready, just fuck me already!”

That was it- with snarl he flipped his mate onto his back, so he could look at his face as he positioned himself. With low groan he pushed himself into tight wet hole in one stroke, bottoming out until he felt his balls slapping against Dean’s slick covered ass. He couldn’t hold back any longer as they started with steady rhythm, which was quickly turning into fast rutting into his mate.

This was heaven, he could feel how wet his mate was, how perfect he felt pinned under his body as Castiel pushed into him. Omega was whirling mess by now, pushing back to his alpha, eyes hooded and needy moans escaping his mouth every time Castiel hit his prostate. Suddenly he could scent him- the intoxicating divine scent which marked his mate’s fertility, driving him insane.

He could feel his knot forming already - ready to fill his mate with his seed, to pump him full of his pups. Alpha could already see his mate with swollen belly and beautiful claiming mark on his neck. Yes, he was going to breed his mate full, his mate was strong and would give him vigorous pups. The screaming in his head got louder and part of him recoiled from that thought, which was ridiculous of course - mating was most important thing and he would be able to provide for his mate and their offspring. Still the feeling didn’t disappear – something in him _daring_ to challenge him – _THE ALPHA_.

Some pathetic little piece inside of him was fighting him off, trying to push _him_ away from his rightful mate. It bothered him – nothing could come between him and his mate, especially not some insignificant voice in his head. Ignoring it, alpha pushed harder into his omega, marveling at the sight of his mate’s leaking cock and he palmed him squeezing it so he couldn’t come yet – his knot will be enough to please his omega, making him full and sated. Then he will claim him as his and they could nest together.  

He lifted his eyes searching for perfect spot to place his claim, when his head exploded in agonizing pain and he was forced back so strongly that he physically would have pulled out of Dean if it weren’t for his already almost formed knot tugging at Dean’s rim. He was shocked – this was not supposed to happen. He could see his mate’s confused and panicked eyes as Castiel was pointlessly trying to separate them, but it was too late.

Then everything happened in slow motion and in blink of the eye at the same time.  Dean let out unhappy whimper and reached up for him, pulling him closer and bared his neck to him. Castiel could feel how his alpha surged forward – ready do place his claim on Dean’s jugular. He was so close already – there was no time to stop this from happening as Dean still dragged him closer to his bared neck. In desperate attempt to stop himself he lifted his own arm and bit down hard enough to break the skin, as his knot swelled to full length locking them together and started to spill his load into Dean’s warm welcoming body.  He could feel how Dean came between their bodies moaning Cas’s name, nuzzling alpha and scented him – and suddenly there was sharp pain in his neck as Dean pierced his skin and claimed him.

Castiel gasped as electric shock washed all over his body. He could feel how Dean’s claim took hold over his alpha making him Dean’s. It was much more powerful than his previous scent-mating, creating new bond between them. This was not full mating bond – Dean didn’t wear his mark for that to happen, but it was done. In all the ways that mattered Castiel _was_ mated to Dean– he was tied to him for the rest of his life. Even if Dean wasn’t mated to him in return - it didn’t change his claim over Castiel.

He could already smell changes in his scent which marked him as claimed alpha, and there was some new sense in him that was extra aware of Dean; he could practically feel Dean’s feelings now, before Dean slammed the connection between them, cutting him off. It was all too much to bear and he started to drift off into pleasant reverie; still laying on top of Dean as his knot held them together, occasionally releasing another load into his mate.

The last thing he was aware of; was gentle touch on his cheek and quiet “Cas?” whispered to his ear, making him smile as he was wrapped into heavenly scent– he was home at last.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone!  
> I know this is not best, but I hope I don't have to delete it. I tried it few times, but in the end this was still the best way to make it happen.  
> Bad news: Since I'm extremely busy in January ( I'm working like 13 hours per day). I don't know if I have any time to write.  
> Good news: After I'm done ( and I must end this job in January)- I have whole February ( and March, May...) free so i can return to regular updates then. I'm sorry for delay - when I started this fic, I had no idea it will be so long, therefore I didn't foresee such problem with regular updates.
> 
> P.S - The one who offered to beta ( or anyone who would be interested) could you please message me at viplaja@hotmail.com?


	15. Fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that is not supposed to be even written - yet. I was supposed to be working- and then this kind of happened as I realized that I kind of fucked last one up a bit as I forgot my original plans and got carried away. But it might be even better this way as I got some awesome ideas, ( well I hope they are awesome at least) which I wouldn't have otherwise. Sorry about my mistakes - It's like 03.40 am here and there might be more mistakes than usually, but for some reason I really needed to post this right now.  
> Warnings: mentions of torture and dub con

 

 

Dean was fucked, to be more precise his life was fucked up, he had fucked and lately he had been fucked-thoroughly. His ass was still tender from his previous mating – the thought that still made him flinch. It was 5th day/night of his heat, he still had occasional waves of heat when he was reduced to wanton bitch, but now his mind was lot clearer and he was finally able to think for himself between his heat waves.

The air was thick with lingering scent of sex and alpha musk, combined with his own sweet heat pheromones and slick. Dean needed to get out - NOW. He was going to freak out, but for now he was going to hold his mind blank and freak out _later_. For a first time this week he was able to realize what the fuck was going on, or at least be himself enough to care about it.  Fuck, actually it was first time he could do _anything_ other than rub himself all over Cas and beg him to…No, he was not going to think about it now.

Careful not to wake Cas, he lifted alpha’s arm, which was tightly wrapped around his waist, keeping him in tight embrace. The last thing he wished right now would be confronting overly protective alpha, who had taken care of all of his needs in past days. It was miracle he could actually sneak out of the bed without alerting Cas, but the alpha must have been exhausted from keeping up with his damn heat and making sure Dean would actually drink and eat something, so he wouldn’t pass out from dehydration. His relief soon turned into panic as sleepy hand started to search for something, deep frown ruining alpha’s peaceful expression. It didn’t take genius to figure out that alpha was looking for him. As quietly as he could Dean took his own pillow and pushed it under Cas’s hand, hoping it will satisfy troubled alpha. He had some success- immediately alpha curled around his pillow, keeping it pressed close to his chest, but the uneasy grimace stayed on his handsome face.

Dean gulped as Cas’s movements revealed still healing claiming bite on alphas left jugular. He couldn’t bear to look at it, so he turned around and fled the room, he needed to…well he didn’t have slightest clue _what the hell_ he should do now, but he needed to get away from alpha. Was there certain order of things he was supposed to freak out about? The problem was it was all fucking confusing and way too much to handle at once, he was way too deep in this mess and had dragged Cas down with him to the bottomless pit of misery.

He shuddered as he slowly became aware of his very naked state. He was dirty with drying sweat and something (he really didn’t want to think about _what exactly_ ) had started to slowly drip from his hole, leaving wet trail on his thighs. Even worse- his first damn instinct was whine at the loss, like he was _supposed_ to keep it in for some unknown reason. Why in the world would he want that? Well, it would be helpful not to spread this mess all over the apartment, but other than that there was _no_ _damn_ _reason_ for this kind of overreaction.  Shower would be good start though – it was the most perfect place to think about your life and forget yourself in the warm water pressure.

It was freaking amazing how much better he felt under warm spray, letting it drain away old slick and other dried liquids on his body, like it had never been there in the first place. Unfortunately his biggest problem was his come leaking hole, which was constant reminder what exactly had happened to him. No matter how much he tried to avoid thinking about it, his mind always drifted back to Cas and his damned heat they had spent together; how alpha had touched him, how good he had felt inside him, how their bodies were plastered together for hours and how it felt to have his hard knot tying them together.

He wanted to hate Cas for it (and for everything else), but no matter how hard he tried he failed miserably. Dean was broken, damn piece of omega meat, but this was Alastair’s fault, not Cas’s. He could not blame Cas forever, alpha was not root of his problems. Well- he was, but not intentionally. It wasn’t fair to blame Cas for being his true mate or how Dean was too coward and ashamed to admit he had been into knot all along. He had born to be Cas’s mate even as alpha .There was no point to deny it now that he had been sexually attracted to him all along and had made his best to ruin other alpha’s life for it. Well Cas had replied accordingly and they had been dragged down together, without even realizing it. Their lives where so intertwined by now, that he could barely understand where his problems started and Cas’s ended – and he was sure that there was no way to separate them without causing permanent extensive damage for both of them. Whatever was to come- they were in this together.

It seemed so silly now – if only his worst problem would be admitting he wanted one dude - his freaking true mate - as he had still been an alpha! Yes, it would have been shocking, he would have given his best to deny it as long as possible and hide his cursed attraction from everybody- including himself, (and secretly pine after Cas and loathe himself even more for having such weakness) but it was all pointless now.  Dean would gladly go back to life as alpha even if he would be damned to be into knot and be social outcast for it. What was the huge deal? – He was fated to be with alpha either way, alpha or not. Only he wasn’t an alpha anymore, and there was nothing he could do about it. There was only glimmer of hope that perhaps one day they would find miracle cure for him.

He could remember how he had felt once the scent bond had formed and Cas had left him the moment his heat started. How much it fucking hurt to see alpha walking away from him. His inner omega had turned against him – there was no purpose to be rejected omega, especially if you couldn’t even attract your own mate while you were in heat. He had felt how it started to tear him apart, do undo him completely and eventually kill him – it was against Dean’s nature to be _useless_. It was pretty much the same thing which had happened to Cas, when his alpha had turned against him.

Deep down he _knew_ that he would have died if Cas hadn’t returned and fucked him senseless. And it wasn’t like Dean hadn’t been willing- heck, he had been _craving_ for it, he had _wanted_ it like his life depended on it (and it did - in some fucked up way) and it is not like he _hadn’t_ wanted Cas sexually, quite opposite. His heat had only removed all the reasons which reminded him _why_ he _shouldn’t_ want Cas, and his own shame of desiring another man like that. As much as he wished he could blame it all on Cas – he had saved his life yet again despite hisextramely questionable measures. It’s not like it had been perfect situation – omega in heat was usually more than willing, at least Dean knew he had been with Cas. And it’s not like Dean hadn’t had lots of regretful sex before - sex itself wasn’t that huge deal to him. Except that now he had wanted to take it into his ass – and fucking loved it.

Dean didn’t know which was worse, the fact that he had sex with dude or how much he had actually loved it. It had been- hands down, best sex in his life. But was it only because he was omega now or would he have enjoyed it as much as if he had still been an alpha? He was after all - meant to be with Cas… No chick he had fucked came even close to _this_ – and it terrified the shit out of him. Was it because he was bitch now or was it because it had been _Cas_? He was torn between wanting to know and dreading the answer. Sure he had spent many enjoyable nights with chicks whose name he didn’t even remember, but it had been just it – just sex, physical pleasure and one-night stands. Why had this been so different this time? Was it because it had been so many days in row with the same partner? It wasn’t like it had actually meant something.

 It’s not like something had been so different about it from this point of view – basics of the sex itself hadn’t changed that much, nor his attitude towards sex itself– just two adults doing the do. It had been just sex- heat included, very hot and amazing sex, where he had been the damn _bottom_ , but that was also natural considering his new body– he was omega now and it was what he _needed,_ what pleasured him the most. Heck he should be thankful- he could at least enjoy it again. Dean had been so worried that he could never orgasm again, at least not without having something stuffed in his ass (which he wouldn’t be able to do himself), but now that he knew how freaking amazing it felt…well the idea was still uncomfortable, but it was better than being in eternal frustration.

And it seemed his new body had developed another way to have multiple orgasms. Just like alpha’s had one each time they released another load, his “improved” body could get one too - clenching rhythmically around alpha’s knot while milking it out. It was like one chicks could get in their inner parts he guessed. As he couldn’t get more than one in row from his now pretty useless dick - it was probably the _one_ perk of being this “super omega”, or whatever he should be called now-  to be made so perfectly for alpha’s body that he could be please them. “Come on my knot”- this was yet another typical kink for them, and it would made it lot easier this way to “please” alpha if he could come multiple times on his knot. Bitterly he thought that it was probably yet another thing alpha could command him “not to have” just like his fucking “birth control”.

Thank god Cas had remembered to turn his “on”. He could still recall how alpha’s order had just _clicked_ something deep inside of him, desperate to please his mate. By then he had been so far gone and relieved “his” alpha had returned to him that he would have done anything to get his knot. He had been burning alive without Cas, and if being knotted (and in worst case of scenario – getting knocked up, which was horrible, but still better than death) would have ended it – he was ashamed to admit that in his frantic state he would have gladly taken this opportunity over hellish heat and rejection- well at least the knotting part. There was no way in hell he could even admit that he technically _could_ get bun into _his_ oven – even if his body and new basic instincts were made for it. So as shitty as the circumstances had been – he would have still preferred to have sex with Cas over dying slowly and painfully in agonizing fire he had been in. There was no point to hold it against Cas. He had helped him out with his heat, he hadn’t knocked him up or claimed him without his permission….which was more than he could say about himself.

Fuck, on top of all this shit he just _had_ to claim Cas, didn’t he? Dean didn’t remember much about his heat in general- it was blurry and vague in his mind, but he could remember how in one  crazy moment he had been so fucking terrified about alpha leaving him, and his _need_ to be closer to Cas, how fucking good he had smelt, his new scent-bond confirming that, _yes_ \- it was _his mate_ filling him and how everything about being with him was just _right_ – and he had claimed him without second thought. There was no doubt his claim had took – Cas’s scent had now “DEAN’S” written all over it with neon sign. There was no way he could ever hide it from anyone. Alpha was fully mated to him, and it wasn’t like Dean could do anything about it now.

Great freaking job, Winchester! Exactly what you _wanted_ , wasn’t it? That had been the plan before– trick Cas into mating you, so you could use him as your shield and wallet? It had been in his mid briefly, before his damn heat, hadn’t it? – getting mated to Cas and hoping he could play with alpha so he would help him out of guilt, no matter it wasn’t actually _his_ fault at all. It had been easiest way out – having someone to blame for everything and manipulating him to help Dean. He had given up on that – it wasn’t righteous and it might be tempting in his desperate situation, but he wasn’t this kind of man. Dean _had_ decided to be better man and what good was it now? He had claimed him on first opportunity! The one fucking thing he was supposed _NOT_ to do – to use Cas like _this_. And how could he explain it do Cas now? 

‘Sorry, I clamed you – it was totally by accident. Except for that one time when I wanted to mate you so I could use you for my own good? But now you are mine anyway and you are pretty much forced to help me, since otherwise your guilty alpha will try to kill you again? Also I don’t want you to claim me –I know we are mates, but I’m not ready to be with you like that (and maybe/probably never will), but it would be nice if you would fuck me through my heats, protect me and help me so I could perhaps be alpha again and then I might toss you completely aside?’

Shit, even his previous briefly existed fucked up fantasy was now ruined – the one he had wanted to annihilate by revealing the truth to Cas, before his fucking heat kicked in and ruined everything. Dean could never “toss alpha aside” now – not after this. He _might_ have been able to leave Cas alone and mate-less if it had been only scent-bond tying them together – it would have hurt them both, but perhaps it would have been _possible_. They would have been unable to mate someone else and they would have been unmated, but without _real_ mating bond there weren’t huge risks (besides being miserable and alone until they die). He would have been fine to be unable to mate someone himself, but Cas was claimed alpha now. And he will suffer through all the effects their partial bond includes – and there were hints that the profound bond between true mates was much more complicated than normal one, not to mention far stronger. Dean had no idea what he had forced Cas into.

Dean felt pretty fine himself- the bond wasn’t affecting him much. He was still just scent-bonded and though he could tell that Cas was “The Alpha” for him – the one true mate, he wasn’t feeling any difference his claim had possibly made. He felt in his core that he was meant for Cas, but he couldn’t just mate him and live happily ever after. Their lives were too fucked up for that and Dean wasn’t sure he would ever actually _want_ to _mate_ alpha. But how was Cas affected by his claim? The only thing they could be sure of was fact that it was irreversible and unbreakable. And that was pretty much it.

 Dean had no idea that omega _could_ even claim alpha like that – he had heard that even if omega bit alpha, it usually faded with hours and rarely affected alpha at all. Alphas weren’t tied so easily and they could easily shake the weak claim off instantly; only in few cases they were really claimed and tied to their bond-partner. Why had his claim taken then? Cas was alpha-alpha for fuck sake! If there ever was alpha who was not easily submitted it was their kind! How could his weak claim tie Cas to him permanently, without Cas shaking it off – it was natural alpha instinct – not let anyone dominate them. Was it another lovely side effect of being “true match”? How much of their mating-bond was even normal and how much of it was this special “profound” bond?

Dean didn’t even know much about ordinary mating bond – he was always supposed to be the claiming one and that would have been it. His mate would have been tied to him and if he would have truly loved them, then perhaps eventually he would have let them claim him back. It had been normal for his alpha self. Ironic how he was still the claiming one and it was alpha, who was most affected by their partial-bond – at least for now. Dean was still nearly unmated omega who had claimed alpha. How was this even supposed to work? And what exactly _were_ they now? The only thing that he could be certain of was the fact that Cas was _his_ now. However he was totally clueless what Cas was in this concept– his alpha? (Wouldn’t that make Dean his omega?), his mate? (But Dean was unmated).  It was all too fucked up for his understanding.

It didn’t matter though, mated or not, there was no way Dean could now ever abandon Cas completely. He might never be able to mate alpha fully, but he had done this to Cas. Cas _was_ mated and therefore could be affected by this stupid bond. Dean felt bad for him. Guy deserved better than him – broken piece of … something. True mates were not really his thing – Dean didn’t do this chick-flick things, which belonged more into romantic comedies than into his life- _and he wasn’t mated_. But now he was forced to admit that those myths had some truth in them, and no matter how much he would like to deny his connection to Cas, it was already too late for that. He had bitten him, it wasn’t only his problem now, they would probably have to deal with it together, but _not_ as mates. They will have to figure it out – some way between being mates and whatever they were right now. Dig legends together and see what’s going on with Cas. Perhaps dude will only smell differently – right? Like how bad could this magical bond be? They would only need to add this to growing list of things they needed to deal with.

Dean was glad that his heat had started few days before winter break; he was already too far behind with his school work. With all the shit going on, school wasn’t really his top priority right now. He was lucky he was naturally smart in mechanics and it wasn’t really hard for him to make it through, but he still needed to do few papers. He wanted to get best education while he still could, before he might lose his scholarship. (Did it even matter anymore?)  And he needed to call home and make up another lie _why_ he wasn’t going home for Christmas.

 He was already few days late and Sammy will be worried and his dad will be furious. God, he missed Sammy – will he ever see him again? What if Sammy would never accept him like this? This was probably the worst thing about his new change. He might lose Sammy, and it was much worse than being damn bitch itself. He could go on without father, there was no wondering if his _dad_ would ever accept him now- the guy would get rid of him on first chance.  He wasn’t ready to even try to talk about it with Sammy- to figure out if his brother would be more understanding than their hopeless father. What was he going to say to them?

How long could he go on pretending like everything was alright? In few months new football season will start – and he wasn’t alpha anymore, he might lose his scholarship. They might throw him out and he will have nowhere to go. The only one he could trust to turn for help is Cas – and after what has been happening between them it might be too much to ask. Like “I don’t really want to mate you”, but it is fine if you fuck me through my heats – no strings attached. Also please protect me and help me out like good alpha should, but let’s make it clear that you are _not_ my alpha. (But you _are mine_ , so you kind of can’t move on.)Maybe I will never be able to accept that I actually might kind of like you, and despite the fact that I loved having sex with you and need it sometimes again – we could be friends?

 It was even worse than breaking up with ex and asking to be friends or another golden “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse. Mates were _always_ mutual – and that wasn’t it. Basically he would be asking for Cas to be his “mate” but only when Dean wanted or needed it – Dean had nothing to offer him in return. In fact he was terrified - he really started to like Cas as person and at the same time it would be so much easier to hate him. And he was still fucking attracted to him and Cas was “proved” to be safe way he _could_ enjoy sex now – he hated to admit it,  but he actually kind of wanted do to that again. It had been fucking amazing – he will just need to get over this “bottom thing”, it’s not like his new instincts made it hard. Friends with the benefits - just meaningless sex, would work fine for him. Would Cas be okay with that? Dean could put up with that – just sex. It was one thing mates needed right – physical closeness like that and Cas _was_ mated... and Dean loved sex, so it would be win-win situation – just no claiming on Cas’s part. They would just figure out how they will deal with their not-relationship and one sided mating.

If his heat was over they would need to sit down and just talk about possibilities. Ugh, Dean didn’t really do this talking stuff either, but seems that there was no other choice this time. It wasn’t like he was going to tell Cas how he felt about him (Wait, he felt something for him?). _This was not going to happen_.  He didn’t really know the dude that well, yeah they were “meant to be” and Cas was fucking cute and adorable, and had saved his unworthy ass more times than he could count, and sure he was _gorgeous_ sex god, but Dean didn’t really know him. And it was natural that he felt responsible for his claim – they did need to short this out. Just because he was worried about the dude didn’t mean anything, right? They were just two strangers who were kind of close now since their fates were involuntarilyintertwined forever. Just because their past was fucked up mess didn’t mean they couldn’t become friends. It would be _good_ if they will manage to become friends- so they could actually work together and fix this mess the best they could with less awkwardness.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped towel slovenly around his waist. Damn, of course he didn’t take his clothes with him to the bathroom. Why was it such deal anyway – he had just been fucked by Cas for days, why was he so damned shy now? Dean had never been modest and he still wasn’t ashamed of his body – it hadn’t changed on the surface – he still looked exactly the same as always. (Expect when he was aroused and started leaking slick from his ass, but even his dick looked exactly the same; only without knot in the final state of his erection). Angry at himself he walked out of the bathroom, only shy omega would be acting like this and he refused to be one. The only time he had felt something like this was when he had dated some chick Cassie as teenager, but it had been different – Dean had _really_ liked her, perhaps even enough to consider mating her one day. Well, Cas might be hot as fuck, but there was no reason to blush like damn virgin in strip club. He was just another casual fuck buddy like so many before him, nothing special.

Taking a deep breath he steeled his nerves and opened his bedroom door quietly. He collected few clothes from his drawer, grabbed his phone and left before he could wake Cas, who was still wrapped around his pillow, deep frown on his face and his soft snores only sound filling the empty room.

Dean was really hungry, but he would rather wait until he will make his call. Dean wasn’t sure he could hold his food down if he would eat something before that. He stared at damn thing few minutes; trying to figure out what should he tell them before he gave up- there wasn’t any good explanation in his head right now. Sighing he picked Sam’s number and waited, he will just make up some random lie during the call.

“Dean!” It was amazing how Sammy could sound so relieved and pissed off at the same time. Dean didn’t need to see him to know that little jerk was wearing bitch face nr 78.

“Yeah, Hi Sammy!”

“Why aren’t you home already? Did something happen to the car? We were waiting for you to arrive yesterday, but we couldn’t reach you. I was really worried already and even dad seems uneasy when I asked about you. Where the fuck are you?” Damn, he had really pissed the little moose off. There was moment of silence as Sammy held his breath, “You are okay right?”

“I’m fucking peachy Sammy, I’m fine!”

“What happened?” This time Sammy sounded really worried, he obviously didn’t buy his obvious lie.

“What? I just told you I’m fine! Why would you assume that there is something going on?” Seriously, he wasn’t _that_ bad actor. Okay, so maybe he was, but he was also professional liar if needed.

“Dean, you always say that you are fine, especially when you are not!” Yeah, that was probably another bitch face, damn. Sammy knew him too well.

“Shut up, bitch! I’m perfectly fine, but I’m not coming over for Christmas this time.” Well, it was out now, no way to take it back.

“You what? But _Dean,_ I really want to see you! I met someone and I was looking forward to introduce you to her. Why can’t you just bring your ass here so we could spend Christmas like normal family? Dad is not even very drunk this time and uncle Bobby and Ellen are also waiting for you.”

“I’m Sorry Sammy, I really can’t make it. My previous sickness went on longer than normal and now I’m so far behind. I’m working on my papers, but I really need access to school library – this stuff is too old to be found in internet and then there is my rut coming.” (Well, it _would_ be if he were still an alpha). It was perfect excuse actually– he had always needed to leave house for few days and spend his rut in Bobby’s basement – as alpha- alpha it was really dangerous for someone to be in the same room with him while he was in rut. They had nicknamed it “panic room” since everyone who got close enough would have good reason to panic. This was one time he was truly just ruthless fucking machine or just maniac killer( depending on poor person near him) – he would have teared anyone apart, expect for his mate or omega. 

“TMI, Dean! But yeah, I forgot that yours was coming, it _is_ better if you stay away then. I don’t want you anywhere near Jess while you are this close to your rut. I’ll just tell dad and send you your gift, jerk.” Yes, he bought it- Dean was so relieved that he had to hold back happy sigh so he quickly changed the topic as the rest of Sammy’s talk settled in.

“Wait, Jess? The omega you have been crushing on like 14 year old chick for years? You actually asked her out?” This was too good to be true, Dean was so proud of his baby brother. For years he had encouraged Sammy to ask her out, but Sammy always shied away.

“Yeah, we have been dating few weeks now. She is really amazing Dean! I believe she might be my mate!”

“Like your true mate?” Dean couldn’t hold back hisskepticism and it was good way to lead topic to mating without raising any suspicions – Sam was like damn Wikipedia if needed and he might know something useful.

“No, of course not! Do you have _any_ idea how _rare_ true mates are? And before you start bitching about how they are not real – there are proved cases! Of course it would be amazing if Jess would be my true mate, but I know she is not – we would have felt it already. I actually kind of hope that if I mate Jess one day, I would _never_ met my true mate at all!”

Dean was stunned, why would he want that? Sammy had always been little chick about “true mates” stuff, loving to search and read about them. Actually Sammy might know something useful to him, but it’s not like Dean could ask without revealing his secret. There would be no point to mention that he had met his, and then try to explain Sammy that he was meant to be gay alpha, (even though he was now an omega –which would be even harder to talk about.) Besides he would probably never mate Cas for real - Sammy would be furious about that if he would learn the truth; he had always been “Don’t feel ashamed about your feelings” stuff and “true love” crap. If he would know that Dean _had_ met his true mate he would be really angry and try to make him see the reason- how Dean should just accept it and be grateful. Which was why Dean was legitimately surprised when Sammy told him that  he wouldn’t want to meet his own true mate.

“What? Why not? You have always liked the idea of a perfect mate, why sudden change of mind?”

“Because I would have to leave Jess then! No matter how much I love her, it would be useless, and we would break apart, mated or not! There is _no point_ to fight against your true mate – you can’t shake it off; no one has _ever_ resisted this pull towards their perfect match. Did you know that once they meet and recognize each-other, they literally _can’t_ mate someone else? In few cases they can’t even be without each other for a long time. There are so many differences between normal mating and their special bond – and it is miraculous thing Dean! It is like a strongest and most perfect connection between two beings, and though there are various descriptions on the bond, it is always mentioned that they _need_ each other like air. They are literally two halves of the whole, who must not be separated. If it happens for some reason it is truly horrible Dean – most of them die or lose their mind if they lose each other.”

Fuck, did this affect Cas already? Or how much of it would happen to him? Was their partial-bond enough to make such differences? Did he need to be close to Dean or something like that from now on?

“What is the difference between mating bond and this “profound” one?” Damn, he needed to know, this might be much worse than he had originally thought if they might be glued together for Cas’s sake.

“What? You are really asking about true mates, Dean? Who are you and what did you do with my brother?” Sammy asked unbelievably.

Well, he got a point. Dean could not risk asking more without raising any suspicions, little Sasquatch was too smart was his own good and he might figure this out. Before he could say something Sam already continued like he was explaining it to a child, just humoring him.

“No one _knows_ exactly since each bond is so _different_. Some of the things which are described sound honestly more like fairytales- so I guess it is also the reason why they are considered to be merely myths. The difference from normal mating is easy – it is much deeper and profound connection. True mates are much more dependent on each other and their bonds are rumored to have different side effects; like soul bond for example- which makes it possible for them to feel each other’s emotions and according to few sources it might even give them ability to sense each other’s thoughts. If you would believe that, _which I know you don’t_ \- and there isn’t much mention of that kind of bond anyway, so I don’t know if it is true or not. Normal mating bond just creates basic mating which affects our bodies telling you that “this is my potential mate” and marking it for others. Ordinary mating bond is never so deep and is easily overshadowed by profound one the true mates share.

There are many people who could be your mates – you basically choose another human who fits with your body amazingly – like Jess seems to fit me. She smells wonderful to me – like mate, but I’m not tied to her scent alone. There are actually believed to be more than one person, who will smell likethis to each other, but it is still _possible_ to find another mate and break it if needed. With true mates – once they scent each other – they are tied permanently. No one will ever come _even close_ , it is said that they will lose interest in _all_ others and they _never_ find new one. There is only _one_ true mate – person your _body and soul_ are meant to be with.

Some say that they don’t even smell others like this anymore or that their scent doesn’t attract them. It is like there is only one person they can possibly be with – and that’s their mate. Others will seem too wrong – even those who previously smelt like “mate” to them will fail to perk their interest after bonding. They can’t claim another mate – even alpha’s bite won’t take if he tries to claim someone else and omegas will not be able to get slick or carry children by any other. No one knows much about them, but all agree that this bond is something special – it is much more than normal mating. “

Dean groaned inwardly, much of this he knew already and some of it only confirmed his own symptoms. Was that the reason why Lisa scent was suddenly so awful or was it only thanks to his new gender? Well, he certainly hadn’t been attracted to no one but Cas for some time, but will he _ever_ do that again? Will Cas be the only person who could turn him on from now on? And this bond, well it seemed to be bigger deal than he had thought. Soul bond -  really? This must be crap, he didn’t feel any different. And some other “abilities” which sounded like “fairytales”, they _had_ _to be_ just myths. He shivered when nasty voice in his head reminded him, that _he_ is not the “mated” one either – Cas was. He wanted to know, but asking Sam about partial- bonds between true mates (if there even were cases of one-sided bonds) would be pushing it too far. So he needed to make sure that Sammy wouldn’t pick up his interest.

“Wow, that really sounds like bunch of bullshit.” Better play it safe, it is exactly what he would have said before he found out about Cas.

“You suck Dean! Just because you haven’t met yours doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. There are far too many cases documented about them – you just don’t like to admit that you wouldn’t be able to sleep around anymore.” Sammy laughed. “You know you wouldn’t have to worry right? – True mates fit perfectly, you really wouldn’t _want_ to have someone else after that!”

“That’s not it.” Dean was little bit offended by Sammy’s joke about his lifestyle. Yeah, so he loved sleeping around, but he would never cheat on his mate. Despite all his funny business he had actually wanted to create a family one day, settle down; perhaps have few kids one day. It wasn’t his fault that he hadn’t met a right person yet – he was only 20. And now he wasn’t even sure if he could have sex anymore with anyone but Cas. He _wasn’t_ mated, but Cas _was;_ so perhaps it _would_ still count as cheating if Dean would sleep around? Shit, it was yet another problem to sort out later.

“I know Dean, I’m sorry. You will meet her one day, I’m sure. You will find someone as amazing as Jess is to me and create a bunch of freckled squirrels, whom I can spoil to death.” He was joking now, but Dean could only manage half hearted laugh which burned his throat. Yeah, like that was gonna happen – he was stuck with Cas, who was _very much male_. If they were supposed to be close from now on (not mate close, but close enough to help each other and deal with their sucky-bond stuff) he couldn’t hide Cas from Sammy forever, or his possible new gender for that matter - which was more than likely to be permanent. He could feel heavy burden lying on his chest – he couldn’t even meet Sammy, not to mention actually trying to explain things to him. He could feel how his hurt and anger started to rise up again, making it hard to keep his voice from breaking.

“Yeah, I’m sure…Um… Listen Sammy, it was really nice to talk, but I really need to go now. One of my friends is having this party and since I’m stuck here at college I rather have some fun.”

Smooth, it was miracle his voice hadn’t cracked already . Talking with Sammy only reminded him how he couldn’t go home, probably never again. Things will never be the same even if he could return. What if Sammy discovered who he was now and would be repulsed?

“Bye, Dean. And no excuses for Winter break or Easter – you will come home then. I can’t wait for you to meet Jess.”

“Yeah, I know. Sorry I didn’t make it, say hello to everyone. Bye”.

Dean was fucking glad he hadn’t eaten before, he felt nauseous. He fucking _missed_ home, and most of all - Sammy. And he was some damn bitch trapped into campus and probably kind of tied to attractive alpha for his entire life. Suddenly he couldn’t hold back tears anymore – fucking Alastair had been right – he _had_ broken him. He had taken his own body from him and turned it against him. He couldn’t even leave apartment now without having to fear some random alpha raping or claiming him.

 And apparently he was also fucking _fag_ – even as alpha he was fated to be fucking gay for Cas, and once they would have realized it, they would have been still tied together for life. His family will reject him then and he had _no one_ , expect Cas, who will probably abandon him too once he learns how pathetic little shit he is. Expect that Cas was fucking _mated_ to him, and couldn’t leave him – and now Dean was his “not mate” who will only drag him down and destroy his life as well. He was fucking trapped – into his own body and life.

Suddenly he saw red- he _needed_ to get this out, so he threw his phone to the wall where it cracked, making the pieces falling to the floor, not caring that he didn’t have any money to replace it. He kicked apart every piece of furniture on his way, trashing it to the ground while he released inhuman sounds somewhere between gagging and screaming. His knuckles were bleeding from numerous collidings with every hard surface he could find, and all he could see was Alastair’s face, hear his harsh cold laughter in his head as he slowly fell apart and cried in anguish.

He had no idea how much time passed, but there was not enough air in his lungs between his desperate sobs and vivid memory _what_ that bastard had done to him. He could feel how water fell to his face as he was lying immobile on hard surface head slightly lower than rest of his body, wet cloth covering his face as dirty water was poured over his mouth and nose, making him feel like he was drowning over and over again. He could still feel how that blade cut into him – not deep enough to leave huge scars (Alastair didn’t want to ruin his body for customers), but blade was covered with something that made it burn like it was acid poured over his skin. How he was tied in inhuman positions for hours and how hard objects were crashing on him, making it even harder to breathe. He recalled how he was pushed into so tiny space for “sleeping”, which had been even worse since the walls were randomly moving closer – suffocating him with theirimminent closeness. It hurt too much, there wasn’t enough air…

And then it was gone - just like that- strong arms pulled him into tight embrace and he got whiff of protective alpha filling his nose. He was barely aware how he was lifted from the ground and carried to his bed, but he refused to let go of Cas. Cas was home, and only fucking stable thing in his fucked up life, he _needed_ him. He grabbed alpha as close as he could and apparently Cas got the message since he relaxed and pulled Dean closer to his chest, mumbling something soothingly to him. It somewhat worked, but he wasn’t _close enough_. Cas was all he needed right now, he smelt like home and mate and safe and _Dean’s_ – but even though he was plastered against him without even tiniest space between it _wasn’t enough_!

 He was probably crazy and he knew he might regret it later, but without a word he flipped startled alpha to his back and started to stroke him quickly. He could already feel now familiar wetness started to pool in his ass as he prepared to take the alpha cock inside. It looked like Cas wanted to protest, but Dean wasn’t in the damn mood for it, so he just covered alphas mouth with his hand, silencing his words before he could stop him. He fucking _craved_ it, he could already feel how next wave of his heat started to overtake him; his body was completely focused on alpha before him. Although the first time in his heat (apart from the very first day) it seemed like Cas _wasn’t_ so willing it was Dean’s luck that alphas body was disagreeing with its’ owner and was rock hard in no time.

Without wasting another moment he sank down on his perfect prick it in one swift movement, groaning at the feeling of being so _filled_. Alpha’s cock was perfect, long and thick enough to touch all the places inside his walls, sending shivers all over his body as it moved deep inside of him. He set fast rhythm, leaning forward to capture those plump lips with his own, needing to savor his alpha and devour him. He licked Cas’s mouth, begging for entrance as alpha’s hot breath filled his mouth, before letting Dean in. He groaned as their tongues battled for dominance as alpha finally started to respond to his touch, eliciting rough moans as Dean sucked his neck and left messy trail of kisses down his chest, before he was lost in the feeling as alpha knotting his hair and pulling him up for another ardent kiss.

Omega whimpered as alpha pulled out without warning, leaving him aching and empty, leaking slick all over bedding, before he was manhandled on his back as alpha slammed back in with one strong thrust, growling to his ear as he slided in and out of him, making him whine as he could already feel hot pressure building in his abdomen, making his ass clench around alpha’s swelling knot, which tugged at his rim with every movement.

Dean squirmed under his alpha, digging his nails into alpha’s back desperate to get him deeper as he was lost in growing pleasure of their hips jerking against another and wanton sounds escaping both of them. He cried as he felt alphas knot finally splitting him open as it pumped him full of his seed, filling him perfectly and immediately cooled down his heat. Dean came untouched, panting Cas’s name as prayer as his orgasm ripped through him, leaving behind only sensation of being pleasantly full. He pressed few languid kisses on alphas shoulder before drifting back to his post-orgasmic state, still clenching around his alphas knot as warm come flooded his ass, making omega in him exultant, pleased to have his mate so close.

Unfortunately Dean was not tired enough to go asleep completely, making him more aware of his close proximity of Cas and how they were still locked together. This time his heat had cooled down enough, so for the first time his mind was awake enough after their mating. It would have been pleasant feeling if there weren’t palpable tension rising back of his mind, reminding him that they still hadn’t had their much needed talk and now he couldn’t use his heat as excuse much longer. He was certain Cas was aware of their awkward situation as well as he carefully lifted his chin, forcing Dean to meet his bright azure eyes.

Dean gasped as their gazes met, drowning in bottomless shade of shining blue, filled with intense turmoil behind those orbs. For a while they just stared each other, neither of them breaking pregnant silence surrounding them as if even slightest movement could discharge avalanche. First time in days Dean _really_ looked at the alpha, drinking him in with his eyes- he _was_ gorgeous; full plump lips slightly parted and slight flush toning his cheekbones. His hair was even more astray than usual - ruffled in every possible direction giving him fabulous sex hair, but nothing could compare with his unnaturally blue eyes, which held so much more than Dean could bear, so he finally lowered his gaze until it shifted to still healing claiming mark he had left on his neck. Dean gulped as remorse and guilt washed over him, he wanted to say something, but words escaped him as he stared at his own handiwork – he had never been good with words, but now he was completely lost. What was there left to say? Still he opened his mouth to form some kind of apology, before he was cut off by gruff voice.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

Dean lifted his gaze, puzzled and completely lost for a moment. _Cas_ was sorry - for what? Dean had claimed him- not other way around. Actually alpha had done _everything_ in his power to _not_ mark him – his own arms covered in numerous bite marks to prevent sinking his teeth into Dean’s neck as his instincts told him to. It had to hurt- it looked like damn hellhound had used his limbs as its favorite chewing toy for days. Cas’s arms were covered in angry bruises and there were numerous ugly cuts where he had broken the skin or marred it badly.

Slowly his mind started to go over of all the things that Cas could be apologizing about – none of them actually unforgivable given their fucked up situation, which really left them with no choice. Sex had been necessary – Dean’s stupid omega would have killed him without it, and Dean wasn’t going to blame alpha for helping him out – well, he tried not to. But claiming Cas hadn’t been acquired to survive, so he felt really shitty about it, even though he knew he hadn’t been in his right mind when he had pierced alpha’s skin and decorated with his personal brand. He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly missed the fact Cas was still speaking with him.

“If there had been anything else I could have thought of, I would never have touched you. I’m so sorry for taking advantage of your heat like that and I know you don’t have to ever forgive me, but I hope you understand that it was _only_ way I could think of helping you. And it wasn’t easy to bring myself to abuse you like that, please believe me. But since I thought that you can’t possibly hate me any more than you already do, I decided to try at least. The book told me that you could harm yourself without alpha and I didn’t want to risk that or see you suffer in horrible pain, which I could avoid. I know you have no reason to believe me, but…”

It was heartbreaking to see his alpha crying and mumbling all those apologizes. It was clear that he had hardly been enjoying the idea of having Dean like that, the self-loathing in his voice and scent of his apparent distress, only confirming alpha’s displeasure about their situation. Dean needed to stop that, to comfort alpha the best he could.

“It’s fine, Cas.” It truly was, there was no point to whine like bitch about something he had needed and it’s not like having sex with handsome alpha had been bad experience. He forced a tiny smile. “I know why you did it and you truly helped me out – I would have been in much worse state if you hadn’t.” He really didn’t want to imagine how horrible it would have been without Cas helping him through it; or how his omega would have probably roasted him in this hell fire for getting abandoned by his alpha.

“I don’t understand Dean, you should be much more angry right now. You have every right to hate me after what I have done to you and…” Dean watched as Cas stumbled with his words over and over again speaking of all the reasons he expected Dean to express his anger at him. Dude was really beating himself up. It seemed like he was only waiting for Dean’s signature on his own death sentence. Oh right, Dean should really say something to quell his worries a bit, but he was to coward to bring it up right now. What if Cas would be repulsed by him once he learned that Dean had selfishly wished to use him for his own purpose? And on top of that Dean might have very easily just destroyed his life with his claim, how would Cas react to that then? He guiltily peeked at his teeth marks again, wishing he could make them disappear with sheer power of will.

“Why are you so...oh!” Said Cas as he finally touched his mating mark, eyes widening in surprise as if he had just remained of its existence.

“I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry Cas…I…” Very eloquent indeed - no wonder he wasn’t published novelist- he couldn’t even say it out loud to Cas. How was he supposed to take responsibility for that if he couldn’t even admit it out loud?

“It is okay Dean, I’m not mad at you.” Cas told him while giving him tender smile, but his eyes were filled with multiple unreadable emotions. Apparently Dean’s confusion and disbelief were evident as Cas gently stroked his cheek.

“After all the things I have done to you, I have hardly any right to complain about something like this. It’s not like I don’t belong to you anyway – I would gladly give my life to make things better for you if I could - this claim will only make things bit more complicated. I know I don’t deserve to wear your mark, but I’ll give my best to be worthy of it.”

Cas never broke that little smirk from his face as he continued to soothe Dean. Damn, of course he wasn’t even mad at Dean – he didn’t know any better than blame himself for all the misfortune Dean had had lately. Will he think differently when he will learn the truth? He had do tell him – now was as good time as any. It wasn’t like he could go anywhere right now and he needed to get this out before he would lose his nerve and reconsider it again.

Taking a deep breath he forced himself to look alpha in the eyes, “It’s not entirely your fault Cas.”  He could already feel protest forming on alpha’s lips so he just glared him and silenced him with stern shake of head, until Cas surrendered and looked at him curiously, questions visible in his watery eyes. Making sure he had alphas undivided attention he took a deep breath and carried on.

“You’re at least not fully responsible for ruining my life for good – this glory goes to this fucker Alastair. Son of a bitch couldn’t stop bragging about how he had planned to turn me omega all along, this was the only reason he made sure I got the scholarship. He wanted as many alpha-alphas under his influence as he could get away with; so he could turn them to this kind of “special omegas”, before they left college for good. I was just a perfect nobody to him – he had done full research about my family, knowing well that once I was turned I would have no one to turn to as my family would reject me for good once they would have learned I was bitch now.

 You were the reason he decided to hasten his plan – he was afraid you might ruin everything. Once he realized we were true mates, he made his move so he could get me before we would bond – it would have lessened our worth greatly to him. Of course he would have used every opportunity to get you as well, but you were not his original target. He normally wouldn’t go after someone like you – with strong family behind them – too much trouble, but once you were dragged into this mess he hoped no one would suspect if you went missing as well – blaming it on your recent incident as your alpha turned against you, saying it wasn’t that abnormal for alpha to take his own life after something like this. He rubbed all this under my nose while he had me in…in...” he choked as he couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. Memories still too fresh and painful washing over him, only comforting presence of Cas keeping his panic attack at bay. He felt his whole body tremble as furious growl filled the room, making him wince from fear, before he realized it wasn’t directed at him at all. Still Cas made terrible display in his fury, and his inner omega shuddered in response.

Cas’s eyes were flaming red and dark snarls escaping him were enough to freeze blood in his veins, air suddenly filled with enraged and protective alpha pheromones. Dean whimpered in discomfort as alpha tried to separate their bodies, making Cas stop instantly as he blinked few times in daze, before blue replaced bright red in his eyes again. Pain at his rim stopped as alpha shifted them into better position, rubbing comforting circles on Dean’s wrist.  “I’m sorry Dean, I just wanted to go after him and tear him apart. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“There is no point to go after him right now Cas, I’m changed now anyway and he is in jail – out of our reach.” Another snarl escaped from Cas, and Dean quickly switched the subject, before alpha would tear them apart by force. “I just wanted you to know it wasn’t exactly your fault – you don’t have to blame yourself forever for what happened to me.” And he meant it, he didn’t want to see how it pained alpha do drown in misery over something that Alastair had done. He might have broken Dean, but there was no reason to break Cas as well, he might have a chance yet to get better. He deserved it – it wasn’t his damn fault that he was dragged into this mess and was now stuck with Dean.

He carefully lifted his hand to wipe away tears gathering in those blue orbs, wanting to make it all better. Cas looked so vulnerable as he quietly sobbed, his hands wrapping even tighter around Dean, pressing him close to his chest, unintelligible sounds escaping from him as he tried to say something. With every passing moment it was clearer that Cas was on edge of panic attack, as his grip was too strong around Dean, undoubtedly leaving bruises onto his skin later. For first time Dean started to realize how badly it had been affecting alpha- do blame himself for everything what had happened do Dean. Hell, if he considered himself as guilty as Alastair _should_ have felt (if that creature would own heart) it was miracle Cas hadn’t broken sooner. _Well he had_ , he had nearly fucking died for guilt when he had found out what had happened to Dean- in most painful way and only his _need_ to keep Dean safe had kept him alive so far. It was no wonder he was going to the shock now as he could feel something else as overwhelming guilt.

Dean couldn’t think, so he just acted out of instinct, offering his neck for alpha to scent. It seemed to have desired effect as Cas’s frantic heartbeat started to calm down under his head, and his breathing evened, drinking in calming scent of omega. His grip relaxed a bit, but he never let go of Dean and held him close to his chest. Dean could feel how alpha’s hot tears fell to his neck as Cas nuzzled and pressed close to him, in desperate need to make sure Dean was safe in his arms. They laid there for a while, still tied together waiting for Cas’s knot to deflate, seeking comfort in each other’s arms for a while, forgetting for a moment that they were still completely fucked up and lost.

It didn’t matter that they were alpha and omega, it didn’t matter that they were wrapped up in most difficult non-relationship ever or how they were kind of mated and not mated at the same time. It didn’t even matter that they were supposed to be true mates or how they hadn’t slightest clue how to deal with their life from now on. For a moment they were just two human beings – Dean and Cas, holding on to each other as everything fell apart around them, clinging to each other and knowing that no matter what will come- they were in this together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was not supposed to be out yet ( but I couldn't resist as I got 1 week extra time for my job). As I said before I have tons of work to do in January- and my new actual due date is Feb 10 (not 31. January as I previously thought). - I really can't write before then even though I desperately want to. ( On bright side I have lot of time to make this plot more interesting or complicated. - I tend to play with it every day in my head and sometimes new ideas just rearrange the whole thing, giving me new playground.)   
> Thank you for putting up with me.


	16. Alone in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Personally I would describe this chapter as a knife, but like really cute knife...( in some ways.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this took me so long to update. My work ended unexpectedly 3 weeks after my original due date so I didn't had any time to write. I was also too damn stupid to realize that being MIA for 1,5 months from my normal life left me with other piled up stuff I had to do- and then of course this chapter just had to be hardest one to write so far ( it took me thrice as much time as normally). I'm still little bit of unsatisfied with the result, but then again I always am. 
> 
> I'm sorry if there are more mistakes as usual- this chapter is longest one so far and I haven't had any time to edit it properly ( I' will go over it later and fix as much as I can)thrice - I just didn't want to keep you waiting any longer for update.

Everything was so confusing. All that Castiel had believed in during last month had been turned around yet again and his whole life had been changed. Only Dean remained as constant factor in the centre of the recent events. First he had been his troublesome roommate, then the person whom Castiel had wronged most in his entire life and also his true mate, then Castiel was reduced from being worst person in Deans life as Alastair took over, and now they were in weirdest place/relationship anyone could possibly think about.

When Dean had told him how Alastair had planned this all along- to change Dean into (most gorgeous) “super omega“, it was the final straw. Although this new information lightened some of the guilt he had been drowning in since his cursed “deal” with Crowley, it only fueled his consuming rage and bone deep need to spare Alastair from the benefits of the spine. If he had known what this sick bastard had planned to do to Dean right from the start ( or to anyone for that matter) - that he had researched Dean’s background and found him “replaceable and worthless” – someone who no one would come looking for, he would have killed him. Actually he regretted letting the guy go so easily – lifetime in prison wasn’t good enough for that monster, he doubted that there would even be worthy punishment in hell itself, if that place actually existed. He still didn’t know why exactly Alastair had dared to make such ridiculous conclusion- sure Dean had to have family and friends who cared about him? Why would this worthless assbutt think that Dean could be easily taken and no one would question it?

If anyone had told him week ago that there will ever be someone he will hate more than himself, Castiel would have laughed in their face. Now however Castiel possessed unlimited resource of pure hate fueled fury, which overshadowed his self-loathing by mile and consumed his alpha. Not that he had actually forgiven himself – he doubted he ever truly would. There were still so many things to blame himself for, so many mistakes and failures that he couldn’t possibly make up to. How could he ever redeem himself for all the ways he had wronged Dean?

Castiel had messed everything up right from the start and made almost every possible mistake he could have done. Now it was impossible to even imagine why would anyone ever want to harm Dean? He felt wave of self-loathing as he remembered that he had once wanted to do exactly that - at that horrible night when he had seen his drugged sister in torn clothes and smelling like Dean; and thinking Dean had done this to her! How could he have even thought that? Even in his mindless fury that had made him “all alpha” and “no brain”- he should have known it wasn’t something Dean would ever do. He should have felt the wrongness of it in his very core – they were fucking mates, shouldn’t there have been instinctual warning or something alarming him about harming his mate? Perhaps there had been, but he had confused it with his protectiveness over Anna and made biggest mistake in his life in process of taking his mindless revenge. The fact that his hand hadn’t actually been the one to deliver the fatal damage didn’t change the fact how he had failed and how stupid and blind he had been.

How had he ever seen Dean as anything else, but most precious and caring person? Seeing him now tucked in beside him sleeping peacefully, it was impossible to understand what he had been thinking back then. Sure they had started on the wrong foot, but Castiel should have tried to befriend him- not overpower the other alpha. He should have realized Dean was special the moment he was still attracted to him even though he was unmistakably alpha (after the fake omega scent had been washed off). It had always been there- the way Dean consumed him, made Castiel obsess over him, how they had fought for domination. Of course this had been straight from Ash’s files about alpha-true mates. How they would obsessively fight until they can’t deny their attraction any longer – and only then recognize true mate in each other. For whatever stupid reason alphas didn’t scent bond immediately or realize their mate-status, before “testing” each other with load of caveman fight rituals. Their cursed need to take out other one first had played against them, and he had failed Dean before he had even realized.

Castiel blamed himself for not knowing about how alpha-alpha true mate recognition process works. ( So what it was so rare it happened perhaps 4 times in the history before? – It was no excuse for not knowing!) If he had been aware of it back then, lot of problems would have never existed, right? Once they would have sorted out their horrible first meeting and Castiel would have realized (if he had bothered to believe and dig the myths before, not dismiss them as rubbish) why he had been so drawn to the other alpha, they would have mated once they would have overcome the shock of having other alpha as mate. It wouldn’t have bothered him that he was always meant for the other alpha, it would have been extremely unexpected, but Castiel could have dealt with it. What he couldn’t deal with was the guilt that his lack of knowledge had cost so much to Dean (and himself). Instead of just getting their knot-heads out of their asses, ignoring their alpha pride and just admitting their status as true mates would have made things so much easier, but thanks to his failure to realize Dean was his mate sooner, Castiel had failed to protect him.

If he had known he was meant to be with Dean from the beginning, there would have been no deal at all; there would have been no obsessive fighting or miscommunication. They would have stood as united force against those who seek to harm them. Perhaps then Castiel could have protected Dean from falling into Alastair plan? Dean had mentioned Alastair especially tried to find “nobodies”, the persons without significant families who would come after them. Also if they had been mated, Dean would have automatically gained his (and his family’s) protection – Dean had told Castiel hadn’t been original target because he had well known family behind him and it would have been too much trouble for Alastair to turn and take him. Mating would also have made Dean much less useful for Alastair’s horrendous plan and perhaps he would have given up. It would have messed up his plans so badly, that it might have been pointless to turn Dean into….this.

Not that Castiel would have originally cared about Dean’s gender – he would always want Dean despite his secondary gender. He would have accepted him as his alpha mate no matter what society tended to think about such pairs, he was utterly indifferent to sexual orientation and couldn’t care less what anyone might think about two alphas being together. He would have considered himself luckiest person if he had discovered that he had true mate, no matter their gender. But Dean being turned into omega was huge problem, not because Castiel found him any less attractive because of it, he couldn’t honestly say that he minded having gorgeous omega for mate, but it wasn’t meant to be this way. It pained him to know that this had been forced on Dean, to turn him against his will, so he could be used as some kind of toy for alphas. Even if the result was most perfect omega any alpha could wish for, there wasn’t any reason in the whole world which could make up for it. Nothing was ever worth the pain it had caused Dean- it had ruined his entire life, and now he was dependant on Castiel’s protection solely because he simply had no one else he could trust with this huge secret. Not that Dean had actually chosen to trust him- he simply had no other choice.

Castiel hated how his inner alpha marveled in knowledge that his mate “trusted him to take care of his needs, that Castiel will protect him from any harm”. He knew it was his alphas natural instinct to protect and provide for his mate, especially now that said mate was more vulnerable thanks to his gentle gender. It felt wrong that it was so easy for his alpha to accept Dean’s gender change so easily, and ignore the injustice what had caused the change and for such vile purpose. To his alpha it was just Dean that mattered- not his gender. His alpha was enraged that Alastair had harmed its mate, but it couldn’t see anything “wrong” about liking Dean now any less. His alpha was perfectly fine being mated to Dean as he was now, and didn’t see any reason to bother to change him back- it was still its mate. Honestly, sometimes he wondered how his primal side could be so stupid and have such messed up logic – revenge for his mate being turned to omega at all costs, be protective and support your mate in his fragile state, annihilate everything that bothers Dean, but the root of his mate’s problems- his new gender – oh, I’m completely fine with it, let’s just be mad at everyone else and make them pay for doing this to my mate.

Castiel knew that his animal side had no understanding of right or wrong – just instincts that tied it to its mate. To is alpha there was no “faulty” Dean – it considered it’s true mate perfect under any conditions- no matter how morally wrong it was. There was no point to argue with his dumb animal, which naturally was born to be dominant and providing, for still liking Dean. Wouldn’t it been actually worse if it would have rejected Dean when he needed his help at most? He couldn’t even imagine what would have happened if it had truly rejected Dean- it might have harmed Dean. Castiel wasn’t sure to what extent the myths were true or how much of those tales extended to their unique situation, but he was sure that if Dean would have rejected him – he would probably have never recovered. In fact he still had no idea if Dean would accept him as mate at all.

Castiel had done his best to avoid claiming Dean without his consent, but it had never occurred to him that Dean might claim him. It had been even more flabbergasting just how easily his alpha had submitted to the claim- like there hadn’t been any other choice. Well, perhaps there wasn’t- with Dean being its true mate and all, but still- it was probably the first time ever when his alpha actually willingly submitted to anyone. Not that Castiel actually minded being claimed by Dean- he would do his very best to deserve the claim his mate had gifted him with, it only made things much more complicated.

The bond had started fiercely- when Dean had bitten him it had felt like electric shock spreading all over his body as his alpha bonded for its life mate. His entire being had been unraveled and then put together once again, making Dean its’ new centre. He had heard mating bonds being described as “A rope from chest tying partners together”. For Castiel it felt more like “every cell in his body being tied to Dean”, there were like billions of rubber bands tying him to Dean. It was easy to be near him, but the further he went the more “stretched” the bond became causing him discomfort ( he didn’t really know how bad it could get, as he hadn’t been separated from Dean to such length, but he was sure he wouldn’t like to find out -ever.) Luckily/unluckily he hadn’t had much time to explore this new condition as he had been distracted by Dean’s heat.

Despite the questionable measures he had used to help Dean through his heat, and Dean’s surprisingly understanding and forgiving attitude towards it, Castiel was still completely lost where they stood now. It wasn’t like he expected things to go on normal (whatever considered normal in their messed up lives). He couldn’t hope that Dean would want to mate him fully in near future – no matter how much Castiel would want that. Obviously they wouldn’t return to their quarreling phase, at least Castiel hoped they wouldn’t – he wouldn’t blame Dean if Dean decided to accuse him for sleeping with him or any of his other many failures. Castiel hated that his mate had every reason to reject him- he hadn’t been exactly the poster mate or deserving someone as good as Dean. Deep down he was dreading and waiting for Dean to realize it too, but so far Dean had comforted him, and forgiven many of his errors.

Castiel watched peaceful body pressed closed to his own, and his heart aced. How could he ever be worthy of him? How could he even hope to ease Dean’s problems? What could he possibly do to help Dean through this hell he had been pushed into? Forcing his emotions aside he tried to figure out what would Dean need most? Obviously Dean wanted to keep this secret and Castiel could hardly blame him for that. If anyone would find out about Dean…he shuddered, as complete terror washed over his alpha at such horrible idea. Dean was his, he needed to protect him – no other was allowed to touch him. Castiel will do whatever it takes to help to guard Dean’s secret. The less time Dean spent around anyone the less likely they were to unveil it, but Castiel knew better than ask Dean to hide in here forever (or as long as possible.) So Dean needed scent blockers – the best ones, and Castiel was going to find them. For a while he entertained the idea of providing for Dean completely, but reluctantly was forced to admit that Dean wouldn’t probably allow it. In fact Castiel had no idea if Dean will accept his help at all.

It saddened him that most likely Dean might actually refuse his aid or would definitely refuse if he only wouldn’t be in so desperate situation. Despite knowing he couldn’t possibly deserve Dean, Castiel couldn’t help to desire it most. How could he not? He was mated to Dean, bonded to him in most profound way and after everything leading to this point he had started to truly care for him. Not only because his alpha side was forcing him to, but to care for Dean himself as Castiel - not his alpha. Castiel could say that he could fall for Dean entirely on his own, without any guidance from his alpha side. He wasn’t there yet- he hadn’t had enough time to get to know him that well, but he could see that Dean was kind and bright person. Dean was definitely someone he could love, and given that he was meant to be his perfect match – Castiel didn’t doubt it would take long to fall for him completely. He was already developing serious crush and couldn’t possibly want anyone else – if only he would find a way to give Dean what he deserved.

Carefully he touched Dean’s cheek, caressing his freckled face gently and memorizing this peaceful moment, before they would have figure out what they were going to do. Dean had been through so much lately that Castiel could hardly imagine what he must be feeling. Being part of his misfortune he could only hope that Dean could accept him into his life. Hopefully they could start as friends and if everything would go perfectly, then Castiel dreamed to call Dean his mate one day. His look lingered on Dean’s unmarked neck, painfully obvious that despite being mated to him, Dean was unclaimed and unmated omega and Castiel was mated alpha with no mate. Dean smelled exactly like he had before- perfect and “mate”, but there was no confirmation of their bond in his scent as it was in Castiel’s.

Even if it had been right thing to do and Castiel was honestly proud that he had passed this nearly impossible challenge to not claim Dean, it still affected his alpha. Lately he had felt some weird things that he couldn’t explain and his alpha was different somehow. He couldn’t explain exactly what was happening with him as it was still so fresh, but something was fundamentally different and he was wondered if it was side effect of being in one-sided bond. In his worry about Dean he hadn’t thought much about it- how this bond might affect him, but it was his burden to carry not something Dean should be guilty off. Castiel would take whatever it entitles and be proud of it. He took last glimpse of Dean’s figure before drifting into restless sleep next to his not-mated-mate.

***

He woke with the burning feeling in his lungs as his alpha demanded his immediate attention- something was terribly wrong. It was nearly impossible to breathe and the pain in his head wasn’t exactly helping to focus and find a source of his unexplainable feeling. Quickly he checked on Dean who was twisting and gasping for air beside him – so it was something physical, endangering them both. Was there a fire? He rose and tried to detect the source of it, but there was nothing to be found in his Dean’s room. He opened the room to their living room, but stopped as pain in his head increased significantly- so strong that he was brought on his knees. He had to fix this! They could die so he forced himself to crawl out of Dean’s bedroom ignoring the increasing pain.

Nothing seemed wrong in their apartment as he quickly inspected it, there was no source of fire, no smell of something unnatural, just his and Dean’s combined distress. He reached his own bedroom, but it was completely normal – nothing seemed out of place. He panicked – what kind of alpha was he, if he couldn’t even find source of something as dangerous that was affecting him and his mate in such small area? Should he leave apartment and check hallways? Should he carry Dean out? Thinking of Dean’s pain in his head increased, his alpha going nearly feral in its useless attempt to protect them. He felt it happening- he was losing control over his alpha, one slight push and they would completely depend on his most primal instincts. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad? His animal side was far more sensitive to such danger. In desperate attempt to do something, Castiel let go and let his alpha take over completely, trusting its better instincts and let himself turn feral.

He was barely aware of his surroundings as he stormed through the apartment to the place his alpha considered the source of danger. It was separated with some weird barrier, but after few attempts he managed to break it (whatever it was).It only made it so much worse – now it was impossible to breathe and somehow instead of fighting its’ source his alpha started to pull it into itself. What the hell? The pain increased and he coughed violently, trying to get at least some air into his body. He felt as if he was drowning- how was it even possible, there wasn’t any water…it couldn’t be real. He clung to this thought and slowly became aware of his surroundings again. There were tears in his eyes from pain, but he recognized it easily. He was back to Dean’s bedroom, where Dean was now peacefully sleeping.

The pain in his body was still there, but it was eased by presence of his mate. He was lost- what had just happened? There was no sign of anything – the room was exactly as it had been in the evening. There were no signs of something “broken”, but he had clearly felt his alpha breaking some barrier. Actually he could still feel his alpha fighting “it”, but in Dean’s presence it was easier to overcome whatever it was - and the pain slowly started to fade. He checked on Dean, who seemed to be more relaxed than before, light smile coating his lips and the thick smell of distressed omega was starting to replace with content one.

It was only 5.19 am – but he doubted he could fall back to sleep even if he tried, so he decided to take the shower. Belatedly he realized that it was actually last time for that- as washing had been pretty much last thing on his mind the previous week, while Dean had been in heat. They had actually been in bathroom, but their attempt to wash had been forgotten as soon as next wave of Dean’s heat hit.

By the time Dean finally woke, Castiel had washed himself, cleaned their whole apartment (as much as he could without waking Dean), and made breakfast. It had taken him shamefully long time to decide what he should make, because his alpha was having sudden urge to impress its mate and was trying to figure out how to accomplish this goal. So he ended up making almost everything he could without having to go to grocery: omelet with roasted bacon, pancakes, chicken-pasta, few cheeseburgers and coffee. He was just considering going to the store after all - just in case Dean wouldn’t like any of it, when rough cough stopped him.

“Are we expecting company?” Dean said, pointing at the table.

Castiel was confused, he didn’t remember Dean mentioning anyone coming over; perhaps he should make more food? Had he failed his mate again?

“Did you invite someone over? I’m sorry, I can make more food, or if you don’t like it we can get something else…” he mumbled.

“Dude, you did all this for us?” Dean asked incredulously.

Was there something wrong? He looked at the covered table where searching for any imperfections. Without finding any obvious faults he tilted his head and stared at Dean, waiting for his explanation. Perhaps Dean just didn’t like any of it? He could always order something or cook something else…

“Did you mean to feed entire army?” Dean asked with small smile on his face. “Here is way too much food for just two of us.”

Too much food? Rationally he did understand what Dean meant- there was barely available free spot on table, but his alpha side was still unsatisfied – Dean hadn’t touched any of this yet. He needed to make more, better food; it was his duty as alpha to provide best for his…not mate. Castiel shook out of it, bewildered. His alpha was acting weird, whining in need to impress and provide for Dean. What was happening to him? Where had this sudden compulsion to “impress” Dean came from and why? He was ashamed- he had no right to act this way at all. Dean wasn’t his – thought that made his alpha all the more worked up and worried. Despite his logical thinking and anger towards such childish impulse his alpha was still agitated and practically waiting like a kicked puppy for his “mate” to accept his offering.

“I didn’t know what you would like and I might have gotten carried away a bit.” He said as he watched Dean to finally sit down. He didn’t wish do admit his embarrassing and unwelcomed changes in his alpha’s behavior. How had he ended up actually making so “much” food, and still think it was not nearly enough?

“Oh,” Dean looked away as light blush appeared on his cheeks, “You didn’t need to do that for me. I am not too picky- I generally eat pretty much everything, not too fond of rabbit food though, I leave this to my brother.” Mentioning his brother Dean looked so sad that Castiel immediately wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know what to say. He only begun to understand just how little they knew about each other’s lives- and he wanted to know everything about Dean. What were he likes and dislikes, about his family, friends –everything there was to learn about him. It was clear that Dean missed him, but was desperately avoiding his family so they wouldn’t know about Dean’s problem. Castiel wanted to ask more about his family, but he had vague memory of Dean mentioning his family would disown him if they would find out about him. Why would they do that? It wasn’t Dean’s fault! He needed their support right now more than ever. And although Castiel didn’t know much about Dean’s other family members, it was clear he loved his little brother to no end and doted on him. Would his brother really reject him like Dean suspected?

“I’m sorry.” he just blustered. The words weren’t enough, he didn’t even know why he was apologizing for at the moment, but he wanted to make it clear that he was truly sorry about everything that had happened to Dean. Dean couldn’t even spend Christmas with his family or meet any of his friends without the risk to expose himself. Even with all the best scent blockers and fake alpha musks the risk was just too high. Closest people were much more likely to detect even slightest differences in each other’s scents, and even if the best fake alpha musk combined with Dean’s own scent could give nearly perfect match for short time being it would wear off quickly and wouldn’t be exactly right. It might disguise Dean’s gender, but his family would understand that something was off with it.

“I already told you, I don’t blame you for having sex with me or actually- there isn’t much I can actually blame on you, even though part of me wants to.”

“I don’t understand Dean. There are so many reasons for you to blame me. I failed you- I didn’t realize that you were my mate so we fought uselessly and then in my quick anger I really wanted to destroy you. I failed to protect you from Alastair, I failed to stop his vile plans before he could harm you and then I couldn’t save you fast enough from this awful place! And on top it all I forced myself on you while you were in most vulnerable state!”

Castiel couldn’t understand how Dean could be so calm about all his failures. It was still miracle Dean hadn’t run as far away as possible. He half expected Dean to leave right now- what he didn’t expect was wave of guilt and embarrassment mingled with- self loathing. Not that those feelings would be unexpected itself, but this time the source of those feelings baffled him – they belonged to Dean. He couldn’t help but stare at Dean in wonder, wide-eyed mouth falling agape from surprise. Before he could really fathom what was happening, the freshly discovered bond shut down almost completely. He flinched; it hurt some primal part inside of him to have his mate shut him out like that. Even though he hadn’t felt this connection before, losing it now was like missing limb he hadn’t been aware about having in first place. It left hollow place in his chest which ached in desperate need to be filled with those feelings once again, even when they hadn’t been pleasant ones at all. There was empty place inside of him now, which was painfully aware of his mate’s absence and withdrawal. His alpha howled in misery and scraped mentally the barrier, which separated it from his mate.

“Please don’t do that,” the whispered, words leaving before he could reconsider them.

“Do what? I’m just eating my breakfast?” Dean looked absolutely perplexed and confused about Castiel’s weird request. “Is there something wrong Cas?” He sounded so sincere, but Castiel couldn’t feel if Dean really meant it or was just mocking him, he needed to feel his mate again, but he had been cut off. His alpha was mess in his head, still begging an entrance into his mate’s side, but bond remained closed to him.

Before he could do something stupid- like repeat his ridiculous wish, he came to his senses. He had no right to pray on Dean’s feelings. It didn’t matter that there was now void inside of him, waiting to be filled with his mate and his feelings. It was just some stupid side-effect of the bond. They had read about those “profound” bonds and special abilities, apparently theirs would most likely include telepathy or some kind of sense of others emotions – it was nothing to be afraid of. Just because their mating-bond made it natural to share feelings didn’t mean Dean had to do that- Castiel had no claim over him. He just had to read more about one-sided mating bonds so he could know what else he should expect and add information about possible effects of true mate bonds. He doubted he could actually find something about one-sided true mate bonds, because who would be so stupid enough to and resist something so special? He wouldn’t if their situation wouldn’t be so fucked up and unique.

“Cas?” He looked up and met those green orbs confirming the worry in Dean’s tone. “Is something wrong? I told you not to beat yourself up with guilt – I told you it’s not your fault.”

“It’s not what this is all about.” Damn, he shouldn’t have said that, how much should he tell Dean? On the other hand, what should he say to Dean? It wasn’t fair to keep things from Dean, but from what he had briefly felt through the bond- Dean was blaming himself for something and his self-loathing could easily rival with Castiel’s - so if he told Dean that he was dealing with their mating bond- would Dean blame himself even more? He had already blamed himself for claiming Castiel. He knew Dean regretted his claim- which saddened him, they were meant to be mates from birth, it was only normal for Dean to claim him. It wasn’t like Castiel could have chosen other mate anyway (not that he wanted to) and he had already been tied to Dean through scent bond. The claim itself wasn’t bad, it just made it more difficult.

“Is it about the bond?” Dean’s gaze had fallen to the mark on his neck, which Castiel subconsciously had been touching.

“It is fine, Dean. You don’t need to worry about it. I wear your claim proudly in hopes that one day I would be worthy of such honor. It just complicates things for me and I need some time to get used to this bond, but it is nothing you should feel guilty about.” He gave a reassuring smile and hoped it would ease some of Dean’s remorse.

“You can feel the bond?” Dean seemed surprised about that, which was stupid because what else did he expect? Castiel was claimed and mated- Dean knew that, of course he could feel the bond.

“Of course Dean, why wouldn’t I? It is quite enormous change to not notice.” His attempt to make fun of it apparently failed, as Dean lowered his gaze and fisted his hands.

“I didn’t mean to claim you, I’m sorry. I have no idea what I have forced upon you with my claim. By the time I bit you I wasn’t actually myself, there was only instinct. I would change that or try to help you with it now, but I can’t even feel the bond on my end. There is nothing tying me to you expect scent bond, which just tells me that you are my perfect mach and I can’t mate others, but that’s it.”

“You can’t feel it at all? But you just closed it!” Castiel exclaimed. He already knew he had no control over the bond - Dean had closed it, and no matter how much his alpha groveled and tried to gain access, it was futile attempt on his end. The bond responded to Dean’s wishes, not his own. Just like Castiel “belonged” to Dean now, but had no claim on him.

“WHAT?”

“Like you did before, when you felt all those guilty and self-loathing feelings and then just closed it, so I can’t feel it anymore?” He carefully explained, he hoped Dean wouldn’t be to furious with him for knowing that- it wasn’t as f Castiel had any control over this. “I didn’t mean to pry on your feelings, in fact it was first time I even felt something like this over the bond, but it seems to me that I have no control over this at all. Suddenly I was just flooded with your emotions and then just as abruptly as it started you cut me off, and now I don’t feel anything. I can just tell that you are alive and unharmed, but that’s it – I don’t have any idea how you are feeling right now or what you are thinking.”

“No offence, but I actually prefer it that way. Not that I blame you for feeling that , well at least I try to not blame you– I guess I kind of pulled this on myself with my claim, but I am selfishly grateful that you can’t feel it right now and hope it stays that way. It is weird enough to have this one sided bond between us, we really didn’t need many side effects to be added to our problems right now. Also I’m not quite sure how I feel about you getting free access to my feelings and stuff and trust me- you are better off as it seems that lately I feel like shit all the time.”

Castiel wanted to say that he would actually prefer to feel Dean and no matter what e was feeling, than this hollowness inside of him, but held himself back. If Dean wanted to keep his feelings to himself then Castiel had to accept it.

“I’m sorry if I feel them without your permission Dean. I try to avoid that in future.” At least he could try, perhaps there were way to prevent this from happening? Or he could learn some way to ignore it?

“Are there…” Dean coughed as if trying to hold back his question,” are there any other side effects that are bothering you?”

Castiel considered it; he hadn’t felt much different yet, but then again he hadn’t had much time to explore this as they had been very busy with having sex. There was of course this new telepathic bond thing – did it also have to do something with episode during the night? His alpha had freaked out and sensed the danger despite the fact there was none to be found. What if his alpha was now responsive to Dean’s inner demons as well? It was possible - he had felt like…drowning? – The very thing Dean had been having nightmares about for weeks. Castiel had exactly same symptoms he had seen on Dean for weeks. The bond had also been blocked at first, but in sense of danger his alpha had been able to push trough eventually and then absorbed its source by pulling it into Castiel. Sure Castiel had been the one to struggle with this pain then, but Dean had relaxed.

Could he do this for Dean? Help him this way to get over his PDST after what Alastair had done to him – could he take Dean’s nightmares and spare Dean from them? It wasn’t exactly the way he had imagined to help Dean, but it would definitely help Dean’s recovery. Castiel will gladly take those horrors and suffer through them himself if it meant Dean could sleep peacefully and be free of them. Where he had failed to protect Dean then he could try it now. Did he have to tell Dean? He smiled, he didn’t want to lie to Dean, but the way Dean had formed his question didn’t make it necessary. Did it bother him? – No it didn’t, it was burden he was proud to carry, so he hadn’t tell Dean that. He doubted Dean would like to know of his plans.

So far there hadn’t been any other obvious changes (if there were going to be some), aside from his new scent. This was his most difficult obstacle of all. It seemed that mating with Dean hadn’t changed only his alpha scent to “mated”, but it had affected his personal scent. When usually alphas mated their person identification scent wasn’t affected, only their gender recognition scent did, adding “mated” label to their alpha musk. Apparently it wasn’t case with true mates as it wasn’t just his alpha scent that had changed. When he had smelled like “Castiel” before – the scent entirely unique to him, there was now Dean all over it. There was no more just “Castiel” as his person identification scent had been replaced with something like “Destiel”. It was most surprising side effect so far- how was that even possible? Was it the part of myths that described true mates as two halves of the whole that even their scents changed to show that fact that they were just part of “one person”? It was as if Dean was part of him now, there wasn’t just “Castiel” anymore. Wherever he will go, Dean will now be always part of him, just as his “name” was now written to his scent.

He felt weird- it was as strange to lose something like his scent which he had associated with himself all his life. It was weirder than waking up with knot after presentation or seeing his bright red eyes in the mirror for first time. And those were only temporary changes which only affected him when his alpha was close to surface. But this was fundamental change- unlike his alpha’s scent this couldn’t be hidden. Scent blockers could only mask gender- and emotion pheromones, not this. This also meant that he had no way to hide the fact that he was mated to Dean- and anyone who knew Dean well enough would easily detect and identify part of his new scent as Dean’s .With luck not many would realize that “Destiel” scent came from mating and wasn’t just siblings familiarity, assuming how rare true mates were and most people (like he had been) simply were not aware that true mate’s mating changed person’s own scent as well. As they didn’t share any mutual friends it wasn’t likely that anyone would notice his strange scent. And as Castiel had remained pretty much friendless so far – he didn’t have to avoid explaining to them what had caused this sudden change. First time in his life he was happy that he didn’t have many friends and that Dean had successfully prevented him to finding any in college during their fights. It only left his family.

“Oh,” he gasped as he suddenly realized that just like Dean he couldn’t meet his family any more. He had to avoid Anna and Gabriel at all costs and make up some excuse for not going home for holidays. His family would demand formal meeting with his mate, and there was no way Castiel could expose Dean like that. Not only would it out Dean as omega, but how could he explain why Dean wasn’t mated to him as he was with him. If his family would find out about Dean they would want to meet him and knowing how “famous” his family was there was good chance it might even make it to the media – and everyone would know about Dean – including Dean’s family. How could he possibly avoid his family so long? How long did he have to avoid them or more like will he ever have to NOT avoid them? Did he have to change school right now, preferably to the other side of the country so he would have excuse to not visit? He couldn’t possibly stay here – the chance to meet Anna or Gabe was way too high and they would instantly know that he is mated. Anna might even be able to realize it was Dean he was mated to.

Should he leave now? It was second day of Christmas break and it was 2 days until Christmas. Originally they had planned to go home tomorrow, but now there was no way he could attend. At least he could spend two and half weeks here and figure out what he should do about it – and perhaps he should even discuss it with Dean, since it involved protecting his secret. If Castiel really had to change college Dean at least deserved to know why. So this was a problem that did bother him as it was danger to Dean and it was really hard to find good solution to that. He couldn’t imagine leaving Gnosis and moving to the other side of the country. Even quitting college and living in this town wasn’t good enough as Anna and Gabe would demand on visiting him eventually –he couldn’t make up excuses for the rest of his life. In fact, how long cold he avoid them, before they started asking questions?

“Yes, there is indeed one effect I need to discuss with you Dean.” He started, playing with his fork to avoid this intense stare. He knew that Dean could scent his distress as Castiel reeked of it.

“Yes?”

Castiel shifted uncomfortably unsure how to address this matter, he didn’t want Dean to feel guilty again and he felt badly pointing out such huge problem with their mating. He had no idea how to even start explaining his problem in polite manner. His new scent was the last thing he wanted to talk about – there was no good place to start; so he put it simply, “My scent as changed.”

“Yeah, I noticed. You still smell way too awesome to me- in case you were worried about that.” Dean joked, but there was certain bitterness in his tone. His scent bothered Dean by some other level? He knew he should return to his initial topic, but he really wanted to know what Dean’s first concern about his scent was.

“Does my scent bother you?” He truly hoped it wouldn’t, it was one thing Castiel could do absolutely nothing about. And how could it be bad thing if Dean found his scent “too awesome”? Weren’t he meant to smell like home and mate to Dean like Dean smelled to him? To his surprise Dean blushed furiously and looked away.

“Yes…no, I don’t know. It was hard enough to resist it before, but now it just smells like “mine” and it gets my new instincts all worked up which really isn’t making it any easier. They are telling me that you are “my alpha” but at the same time there is no claim on me – so it kind of makes you my alpha and doesn’t at the same time- and it is driving me and my omega side crazy. Not that I actually want to change that fact – I…” Dean swallowed and gave him heartbreaking gaze, “It is not that I don’t like you or something like that man, but I really try to resist all this omega crap. How do I know if it is there only thanks to my change or just because you and I were meant to be...” he pointed at the claiming mark on Castiel’s neck, unable to say it.

“Your mate?” Castiel guessed. Was it really that hard for Dean to admit that they were meant to be together that he even couldn’t say this out loud? This was the most normal thing in this whole madness – the one thing that hadn’t changed right from their birth.

“Yeah, that.” Dean swallowed and then laughed humorlessly. “I never would have thought that I would end up with alpha mate actually- very male alpha mate and it is really hard to even entertain this idea that we were “meant to be”. I have always been ladies man and I loved it – I loved their breasts and soft skin and I have never been into dudes. And then you showed up in my room…and everything went to hell.”

“I don’t understand why does it bother you so much that we were meant for each other from the start? I am well aware that I’m not exactly… what you might have expected as a mate and I know we got pulled into this “ fighting phase”, but once we would have realized our status, things might have been different Dean. We could have mated and perhaps Alastair would have never gotten you this way. It might have changed everything and I’m sorry I failed to realize who you were right from the start – I would have treated you differently. I was just so attracted to you and infuriated with you at the same time so I just…”he shrugged there wasn’t really any excuse for his failure. To his surprise Dean laughed.

“You mean when you thought I was an omega? Yeah, never would have begged this is exactly what I’m now- bit ironic, isn’t it? It all leads us back from the start, only this time it is fake alpha musk I am using.”

Dean’s words were full of acid, but it didn’t make them any less true. He watched as Dean kept looking at his slightly trembling hands and back to Castiel, obviously in some sort of conflict with himself as he was trying to decide what he should tell Castiel. Finally he sighed and gathered his resolve – apparently he wished to let it all out.

“You wanna know all what bothers me? Fine, I will tell you!” Dean exclaimed shutting effectively off any response Castiel might have had.

You know I used to think “omega” was the worst insult you could have called me? That I was so disgusted that you could even mistakenly take me as “bitch”? It was the main reason I tried so hard to get rid of you- that, and also the fact that I was fucking attracted to you. You were my worst nightmare and personal hell combined into the perfect temptation. All my life my father has been telling me that male omegas are straight from hell and they should be sold on first opportunity or just be dropped to nearest brothel. How they are just meaningless bitches without any will of their own and how they deprave alphas – root of all evil. As a child I was curious and dared to ask few times more about them, but I learned it the hard way to not question his values. My father’s word was the ultimate truth in our household and I’m basically trained to think worst of male omegas and as years went by I actually started to believe it, because it was the only truth I ever knew. I learned to ignore their scents and I was basically “anti-omega’s” poster face. And now I have to reconsider everything I thought I knew about them, since I never learned the other way. And now I AM one – as much as I hate to admit that, perhaps it is the karma or just my bad luck, but there is no denying I’m the omega now. I have to face all the problems it includes of being one – and it sucks big time. I do realize that my father was wrong about most of this stuff- I do not feel the need to “sleep every alpha that looks my way” or to “get myself pregnant and claimed”- so I could carry Devil’s spawns in me. In fact most of this stuff absolutely fucking terrifies me – I used to be strong and independent – someone you could look up to or so I thought. Now I have barely been omega for month and it fucking sucks! I am so pathetic that I couldn’t even save myself from Alastair, I’m already dependant on your mercy on almost every possible way just because I have no one else to turn to – and I don’t dare to tell anyone about it either. I’m also dealing with bunch of new instincts which are confusing at best and trying to adapt as well as I can. It is all fucking hard- I don’t even know who I’m any more. And then there are you – complication I do not need, but can’t really do anything about. Then of course I just had to claim you and tie yourself to me irreversibly - as I didn’t have many problems before. And now I’m responsible for those possible side effects that you have just because I just can’t bring myself to fully mate you! I’m so screwed up, that even the simplest thing I was BORN to do – I just can’t, I’m not ready to be your mate and I’m not sure if I ever will! So I feel so damn sorry for possibly destroying your entire life in progress and taking the opportunity to mate another, but I can’t change it! So if you ask if your new scent “bothers” me, then yes, it absolutely fucking does, because it is the constant reminder how badly I screwed up- it even has my name written all over it!”

Castiel was taken aback from such unexpected out-burst from Dean, he had had no idea Dean had to struggle so much – not only with his changes, but also with their role as mates. He could not imagine how hard it must have been to not only deal with being turned into omega, but also overcome lifetime of taught hatred for them – there was no wonder why Dean would also expand that hatred against his new gender to himself. It was obvious how Dean could barely admit who he was now- the disgust in his voice had been enough to detect that he didn’t consider himself any better than lowest creature on earth. He could only try to understand just how drastically Dean’s life had been turned around, but it still hurt to be involved in the “problematic” category as he wished to be supportive – not another thing Dean had do “deal with”. There really wasn’t place for him in Dean’s life right now, but he Dean had also admitted that he was the only one Dean did have – surely it would be worse for Dean do be entirely on his own.

“Dean, I have no way to change things for you, but I want you to know that I’m trying. I already fund research if anything could be done about your gender, but I must warn you that it is most likely fool’s errand to find cure. I also offer you my help in every way I can- if you need something that I can give you- you’ll only need to ask. I do not expect you to mate me just because you have already started this progress – you owe me nothing. I do not want you to mate me out of some sick obligation, believing you have no other choice if you wish my help. I simply hope that we could start off as friends and that you would learn to trust me well enough so you would dare to ask my help if you need it. As complicated as your situation is I do not expect you to be my omega– you don’t need to be afraid that I would stop looking for cure because my alpha might desire you even more this way. I want to help you as friend and well- I was born to be your mate and now that I am claimed by you- it is in my basic instinct to provide for you and protect you – I actually need it so I could calm the alpha in me.”

It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t exactly the whole truth either. Castiel did want to help Dean, he wanted to be part of his life and befriend him- but he couldn’t honestly say that he didn’t wish to mate him eventually. He would not ask for it, he would accept whatever role Dean sees fit for him as it would be way too much to ask from Dean after all the changes he has to adapt (and how badly Casitel had messed up). It just hurt him to know that Dean might never want him. He could still hear Dean’s words ringing in his head “I’m not ready to be your mate and I’m not sure if I ever will!” It was harsh, but truth - he might have to accept the idea of being tied to Dean forever, but never truly mating him. He could feel his alpha freeze at this thought – the possibility that his mate might reject him entirely was not easiest one to accept. He wondered how it would affect his alpha in long run - Castiel really needed to do research of one sided mating bonds as soon as he could.

He watched as Dean thought about what Castiel had just told him and to his aversion see how Dean shook his head in refusal burying his face in his hands and pulling his hair in despair.

“I just can’t, Cas! I can’t bring myself to use you like that- even if I need it for my own good. I’m used to watch out of myself, but now I simply can’t, but I feel like shit if I accept your help. I am barely hiding my scent for few weeks- and I’m already broke – you have no idea how tempting it is to ask for your money. I know how much those scent blockers- and god knows what else I might need - will cost .I can’t possibly repay you- not for a very long time at least. I don’t even know if I ever can if stories about my gender discrimination are true- no one might ever hire me or I will find really horrible job if I stay like this. How can I even look at you and know that I’m using you like that, but also refuse to give you anything in return? I don’t have anything I to offer you – as I said, I’m not ready to mate you- I’m not even sure I want that. “

Castiel wanted to comfort him, to let Dean know, that he didn’t expect any of it from him. He would willingly give his money for Dean to use- he had more than enough to buy whatever Dean might need and probably wouldn’t even notice it. He would never want it back; even if he weren’t tied to Dean is such fateful way he would still want to help anyone in such desperate situation. He wouldn’t do it just because Dean was tied to him- he would do it as friend. For more selfish reasons he would actually feel better if Dean would accept his help.

Just as Dean- he too was suffering with his “new instincts” which he had never felt before. Well, not exactly the new ones- his alpha instincts were just magnified to the point where it wasn’t just slight suggestion in the back of his mind, but full blown need to give in to his alpha. Castiel felt like teenager who had just presented and had to learn to live with all those new urges. His alpha wanted nothing more than to give it all to Dean; prove that he was the best available mate, show what he had to offer. In one bite he had turned from alpha-alpha to alpha-caveman or barbarian who thought they could “buy” his mates attention this way. No matter how much he tried to push it back (it was clear that Dean had no interest in mating him – and Castiel understood all his reasons for doing so) the primal side of him needed to impress Dean more than ever. The urge to do so was growing with frightening speed- how long will he have before it would be unbearable and Castiel will start acting on it?

Even now as Dean had revealed all those very normal reasons for not wanting to mate him – all of which were completely reasonable and Castiel did not want to push him. He wanted Dean to want him on his own – if he ever would, not because Dean felt like he owed it to Castiel somehow. Castiel wanted to give him space, give Dean enough time to get used to his new life style and be his friend first – and only when Dean would finally want him as mate (by some miracle) - only then would Castiel feel happy about mating him. He could not possibly wish to mate him on wrong purposes- like Dean doing it just because he “wanted to give something to Castiel in return” or because Dean simply could have no one else – it would have destroyed all the beauty of having something as special as true mate. Castiel wanted to develop friendship and if they would ever make it this far then relationship born of mutual love not responsibility.

His alpha however was not so understanding at all. When Dean had mentioned possibly never wanting him- his alpha had frozen in horror and then developed ever growing urge to prove himself to its’ mate by doing anything Dean might want him to. The mere possibility of Dean rejecting him filled his alpha with even stronger impulse to draw him back to him. It wouldn’t have been problem if it had stayed as just weird instinct- what terrified Castiel was how quickly this thought was consuming him making it nearly impossible to ignore. How far was his alpha willing to go in its’ need to win Dean over? He knew the answer to the last one which didn’t make him feel any better- his alpha had no limits when it came to Dean. After claiming bite Dean was everything to his alpha – so it would never give up. Even if Castiel could accept being Dean’s friend for the rest of his life and nothing more- his alpha would never back down. His alpha was willing to do whatever Dean wanted of him- it was now tuned entirely on his mate’s wishes. Castiel could only hope that it included Dean’s wish to be not mated. He had never felt such way before - first time in his life he was truly afraid of his own alpha and turning feral -if this thing continued with such strength he was sure he might lose his mind in his attempt to resist it. He tried to swallow down his own worries about his mental health and focus on Dean’s needs.

“I don’t expect you do pay me back Dean. I offer you my help as friend- I would offer it to anyone in your position. I don’t expect anything in return – definitely not you mating me. If you don’t want me in such way and never will then I will step back and let you go on with your life without forcing myself on you in such way. Just because we were “meant for each other” doesn’t mean you can’t chose your own way. If you want anybody else or don’t want mate at all - you can try to ignore our connection and move on with somebody else or remain unclaimed. I know I screwed things up pretty badly already and it is understandable if you will never forgive me – think of it as me trying to make up for it as much as I can. I just want to help you as friend at first and leave it for you to decide what you want from me- weather it is. I simply hope that you would accept my friendship and won’t push me out of your life entirely- but if you want that and my presence really makes things that hard for you - I will go and you will never have to see me again. “

Castiel meant it – if Dean would want to date other people (when he would once be ready for that) then Castiel will not stand in his way- no matter how much it will hurt him. Their possible relationship had been too messed up from start and if Dean decided it will be “unfixable” then Castiel will not hold him back. Just because he couldn’t find someone else he wouldn’t expect Dean to suffer same fate. And if Dean wanted to never see him again…well, he couldn’t even think of that, but he would leave Dean then – no matter what cost. It would also solve his new scent problem – if Dean wanted him to leave now then he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone in school realizing about this connection between them.

“Shit Cas, that’s not what I meant!”

He didn’t? Dean had just told him how Castiel’s presence made things even harder for him. If supporting Dean financially was the only help Dean needed from him then Castiel could do this also from distance – if Dean would only accept it.

“I don’t understand, Dean. You just told me that my presence makes things harder for you and given how messed up our relationship is – I owe it to you to help you and if you don’t want to see me – I will leave. There is no catch - as you are in worse situation than me then it will be only fair to let you decide what you want. As you are unfortunately omega and I am alpha it puts us on unequal ground –and I can’t change that, but I can give you that much control over your life- choice what you want to do about me.”

Dean looked even more torn than before and couldn’t meet his eyes. He kept playing with his cup and shifting uncomfortably on his seat.

“It is not that easy, Cas. I know that you blame yourself for most of the bad things that happened to me- but there is nothing you could have done. How do you expect you would have saved me from drinking water in my football practice – because that’s’ how Alastair infected me with this shit. There is nothing you could have done. Yeah- you wanted to destroy me after incident with Anna- but I already told you if the situations had been reversed and it had been my brother- I probably would have killed you. So I’m not really any better. As it turns out you didn’t actually cause any damage to me in this sense at all and you actually saved me from certain hell – you were only late because of this “mad alpha trauma”- which you suffered only because you believed you had hurt me. You could have died in most painful way if it weren’t for Crowley’s intervention and his information about me “needing you” – so your alpha pulled you together again so you could save me. You are already spending tons of money to find this miracle cure for me. And you did help me through my first heat – I know it wasn’t exactly on my content, but I know it would have been much worse if you hadn’t – and you managed to leave me unclaimed which is more than I can say about myself – so if anything we are even.”

Castiel disagreed with that, but let it be. There really was no point to play “whose fault it all was” right now. They needed to deal with their problems. It was clear that neither he nor Dean were going to forgive themselves so easily.

“Well, as it seems we both blame ourselves for everything – so what would you think about letting it be at the moment and starting over? Let’s leave bygones to be bygones and try to work with what we have right now?”

Dean smiled brightly, it might have been first smile Castiel had seen on his face for moths and he made unspoken promise to himself to do everything in his power to see it more.

“Yeah, I would like that Cas – so friends?” Dean offered his hand and Castiel took it, it was only small gesture of kindness, but it seemed to be best gift he had received in his entire life. It warmed his insides and eased some of the tension between them.

“So what are we going to do now?” Dean asked.

“What do you want to do Dean – we have all winter break to figure things out as we are trapped here.”

Dean quirked his eyebrows, “I appreciate the effort man, but you know you don’t actually have to stay with me here. As much as it will be nice to have some company for Christmas- you do realize it is also the safest time for me to be alone right? Almost everyone is gone now, so I don’t have to be so much afraid of avoiding them – and I don’t have work. I’m pretty much just planning to sit in this apartment and deal with my stuff and get my schoolwork done. There is no need for you to babysit me.”

Castiel bit his lip, they had returned to the sensitive topic about Castiel’s reasons for isolating himself. He really didn’t want to ruin the moment, but now was as good time as any.

“I can’t go home Dean. I have to stay with you – or if you would prefer I can also find some hotel for myself to say so I would not bother you. I would need you to lie for my family- if any of them would search for me, but I doubt they will.”

Dean’s expression softened as Castiel mentioned his incapability to return home. “Family problems?”

“Not exactly, but I can’t see any of them for time being. It is actually something I need to discuss with you.”

His answer had surprised Dean, “You want my advice? Unfortunately I suck at solving relationships as you can see, but I’m willing to listen.”

Castiel lowered his gaze wishing he could say anything else, but the issue with his scent, but there was no hiding. His scent was potential threat to Dean so they needed to discuss it together.

“The reason I actually wanted to talk about my scent before, well – as you might notice it didn’t change only my alpha scent. Your scent as also mingled with my personal one and now I smell like entirely different person. I can’t see anyone from my family because they would notice the difference immediately and it would expose you. If anyone were to realize that part of my scent belongs to you – it will be easy to realize that we are mated.”

Dean mouth was agape and his hand which was holding the food had stilled halfway to his mouth. The bond flared to life once again and Castiel was flooded with his emotions- panic, guilt, more self-loathing and finally hopelessness. Dean’s voice was rough and his eyes glistened with unshed tears as he quietly asked,” So there is no hope- I will be exposed either way right? I can’t keep you away from your family forever and as you said – anyone might notice that you are mated to me.”

“No Dean, there is hope. I’m willing to hide or move away if it threatens to expose you. It is just worst obstacle to overcome in our list. I’m threat to you right now – so what do you want me to do. Do you know any solutions to this?”

To his disappointment Dean shook his head miserably. “Shit Cas, I’m so sorry. If you are willing could you please give me few months before I am ready to answer that one? I obviously can’t take you from your family forever and I don’t like the idea of being the reason you would have to move or never see them again. But please don’t expose our “mating” if you can help it – at least not yet. I’m not ready to let anyone know about me or our fucked up situation with this partial mating bond. I…we’ll figure something out.”

Dean pulled his hair and the bond was mess with his torn feelings. It agitated Castiel’s alpha again, demanding that he would dissolve the issue immediately and keep his mate safe. So what if he would not see his family again- to his alpha Dean was his family. He was glad that Dean didn’t have insight to his feelings right now. He was embarrassed for two for his alphas unwanted behavior. To his surprise Dean suddenly asked, “Perhaps Crowley will know something- some scent blocker that will hide it completely? Your scent would become null for time being, but we could at least find some temporary excuse for you being scentless to buy us more time.”

“That can be arranged, this is brilliant idea Dean – I will call him today.” If Crowley could figure out how to hide his scent entirely then Castiel could stay in this college without much trouble- they would need to find some excuse for his missing scent though. His family would be curious, but they wouldn’t know the reason, but they couldn’t do anything about it. He truly hoped it will work- any discomfort about finding excuse was way better than putting Dean in danger and being separated from his family.

“I’m so sorry that my claim did that to you, I just couldn’t not claim you – I have no idea how you resisted it – the pull was just so strong.” Dean admitted his defeat.

Yes, it had been nearly impossible; Castiel doubted he could do it again – especially now that his alpha was seeking for any opportunity to mate Dean fully. He had no idea how he had resisted Dean’s heavenly scent and his alphas desire to mate, but somehow he had made it through.

“It is alright Dean; it is just another thing we have to deal with. Luckily it seems that at least you are mostly unaffected by it so at least that is a small win.”

“I still have no idea how I feel about you having access to my feelings – you truly can’t do anything about it?”

“It is still so new to me Dean, I have felt it only few times and then it vanishes; cutting me off completely. I have yet to discover how deep this connection is or if I could learn to control it- so far I’ve had no luck. I couldn’t read your mind per se; I could only sense your emotions for a moment and then it just disappeared. “

Dean considered it for the moment. “Do you think it is normal? I mean I’m kind of glad you can’t sense my feelings all the time, but do you think it is supposed to work like that? I mean if it ties you to me then why does it do that- give you glimpses and then shuts off? Why not let you feel it all the time if it is supposed to be some kind of higher bond and special ability to help with our “true mate” stuff. Why does it work so poorly then?

It was interesting question and Castiel knew as much as Dean, which was basically nothing. It felt wrong- like part of him was missing, but there might have been too many reasons for that.

“I don’t know. Perhaps it is because it is still so fresh and connection hasn’t fully formed yet? Or it could be affected by something else entirely. It feels wrong when you shut me out – my alpha doesn’t like it. The myths that mention that kind of special abilities are all so different. Some mention full telepathy others don’t seem to have it at all. Perhaps we are just somewhere in between. It might also be because our connection is one-sided and therefore weaker than full bond? And it might also have to do with the fact that you are omega and your claim is different, but I doubt it. Whatever the reason it has left me with unstable connection to your feelings. It seems stronger when you feel threatened or afraid though – like the moments when you might need me.”

Castiel considers if he should talk with Dean about his suspicion about him being able to absorb his nightmares, but decides against it. Dean would probably just feel bad if he learns that Castiel takes this burden from him ( if his theory works).

“So you think that you have no control over it, but when I’m in trouble it is more likely to open to you so you would know when I need your help?”

“It seems so, yes. It is connected to my alpha and it is in my instincts to want to protect you.”

There was another wave of discomfort from Dean’s end. “It must suck though, because lately it is pretty much all I feel and now you have those forced urges to help me.”

“This is not true Dean. I want to help you nonetheless – it just makes it easier for me to realize when you might need it. It is not forced on me- it is burden I carry willingly.” He could already sense Dean’s self-blaming for it, so he added. “Stop blaming yourself Dean it is not your fault.”

“Yes it is, Cas. You shouldn’t have to deal with any of it – me being omega, our messed up bonding - all this crap I have pulled on you.” It hurt to feel just how much Dean was blaming himself, his alpha was snarling at him to do something about it.

“Could you please try to forgive yourself? Right now your only concern should be about your new gender not this bond – the bond between us is natural after all, unlike your gender change. “

He could sense some gratitude in the bond mixed with something else- some warm and fuzzy feeling that Dean tried to push back and then some embarrassment. It confused Castiel – why would Dean try to push back so wonderful feeling? It had felt good – amazing even, why did Dean try to keep it down? There seemed to be no reason for it and he examined Dean, hoping to find an answer. To his surprise there was rush of pink covering his cheeks reaching to his ears and Dean deliberately was avoiding his gaze. He tried to focus on the bond again, but find it closed to him once again.

Dean acted like nothing had changed, finished his meal and excused himself to shower, leaving Castiel alone in the kitchen to clean up.

***

The following days passed almost peacefully between them as they gave the friendship thing a trial run. Dean studied and worked on his school project’s where he had been left behind and Castiel researched one sided mating bonds. They spent much of their time together watching movies (“Dude, you have never seen Star Wars?” – which had lead to long movie nights together) or just talked about small things. They carefully tried to avoid tender topic about their bond, unless there was some specific problem they were working on.

Castiel had called Crowley and Crowley had managed to supply him with military scent blocker which was generally used on spies. It covered his scent wholly – leaving no trace at all. It was weird to not have any scent at all, but he figured he could get used to it- it is not like person spends most of the day thinking about how they smell. To his surprise Dean hadn’t been too happy about it and even asked him to not use it in their apartment – at least not during the break much to Castiel’s amusement. When asked for reason Dean had unwillingly told him that he didn’t like not being able to smell him.

“It is like you are not here. I can see you, but I can’t smell you – and it makes omega in me worried. I have this sudden urge to make sure that you are alright and not sick or something and it generally just pisses me off. It is just too weird and well – I don’t like it. It is also the only thing…” He stopped abruptly and seemed absolutely terrified of his unfinished thought.

Castiel had sensed that there had been more to Dean’s discomfort, but he didn’t bring it up no matter how much it perked his curiosity. He just made sure to wash it off first thing when he returned from his visits from town. He had taken up shopping duty and Dean took over cooking. He wouldn’t have minded cooking himself, but for some reason he always made too much – at least enough for five people and he didn’t understand why. Every time he tried to make something he was unsatisfied with any less and ended up making feasts. So Dean had demanded to take over since Castiel bought food.

“It is least I can do man, besides this way we are actually able to eat it all and not waste so much, with your cooking we could survive on leftovers for days – do you always make this much?”

No he didn’t. It was first time in his life when Castiel simply couldn’t make any less. And as his research about one sided bonds improved he soon started to understand why.

In those rare cases, where alpha was claimed, but omega wasn’t ; alpha started do experience the need to coax their mate back and impress them enough so their bond mate would accept them and they could mate fully. It awakened alpha’s ancient instincts which made them to all those “alpha” things so they could prove to be good mates. The need to protect, provide and impress their mate was going to overwhelm them until they gave in to them or their mate finally accepted them.

As alpha-alpha Castiel was going through it with amplified urges. His alpha – side had to “surpass” all other potential suitors (even when there seemed to be none) – proving him to be best of all alphas – worthy to be called alpha-alpha. When alpha would simply need to provide for his mate most basic things – alpha-alpha had to make more and with best possible quality. It was much like hidden courting ritual on most instinctual level – not by choice. His sudden need to make as much food as he could and his sudden unsatisfaction with any less than perfect - it was just his alpha side’s subconscious attempt to impress Dean.

When Castiel discovered the truth behind his behavior he was devastated to realize that even when he had made every attempt to ignore his alpha and accept his new role in Dean’s life as his friend and nothing more – his alpha still tried to fight for Dean. He was glad that Dean didn’t know the real reason behind this and just let him think that he was horrible at guessing how much they should eat. He even let Dean make shopping lists so he wouldn’t buy too much on his trips and forced himself to follow them – trying to trick his alpha into thinking it was what his “mate” wanted. It was also the way Dean could make whatever he liked- which still pleased his alpha a little. He couldn’t help buying best things though, but it was hardly something Dean complained about – aside from Dean’s general complaining that Castiel refused to accept any money from him.

After very long argument Dean had reluctantly agreed that Castiel could help him with his scent blockers and with other things Dean might need and with food supplies. In return Dean demanded the right to “pay him back someday” and he took up housekeeping duties and cooking. Castiel had tried to explain that it was not necessary, but Dean simply came up with ultimatum – Castiel either had to accept it as some sort of repayment or Dean will just refuse his help entirely. So Castiel gave in and let Dean do whatever he wanted.

It was more difficult for his alpha do let Dean do all the cooking and cleaning – it wanted to prove its worth in every possible way and saw it as “wasted opportunity” to let Dean handle it. On the other hand his alpha knew it was exactly what Dean wanted- so it eased at least some of its’ worry. And Dean’s cooking was good so there wasn’t anything to complain about.

They spent whole break mostly together in their dorm; neither of them too thrilled about the idea of leaving their apartment. Castiel was uncomfortable with all the looks he received from strangers – like he was dying or diagnosed with incurable disease – why else would he be scentless? Some people stared openly and few had even offered their “condolences” weather it was verbal or just random act of kindness people did for others when they thought they didn’t had much time left. He inwardly cringed at the idea to figure out some explanation for Gabe and Anna once they will return. They had brainstormed with Dean to find some good cover story, but so far there was none. The only reason alphas usually hid their scent was when they were either sick or under influence of forbidden stuff. He really hoped he wouldn’t have to give urine test to prove he was clean. Still it was worth it since no one could scent Dean on him and therefore this threat had been neutralized.

Dean was less happy to stay inside, but was even more uncomfortable with leaving than he was. He said it was like walking on mine field for him – he was always afraid that someone would realize it was fake alpha musk and discovering his secret. He told that it was hard to face alphas and pretend that he was one of them- even more that he was alpha-alpha and MORE alpha than they could ever be. If anyone would start to fight they would figure out his charade in no time – and little fights were frequent among young alphas. Dean was afraid to meet any of his acquaintances and since he used to be popular guy he had plenty. There was also long list of alphas and betas he had picked fights in the past who could easily come back for “other round”. Unfortunately alpha’s strength didn’t come from their body – no one knew how it worked exactly, but alphas physical strength came from their “alpha side”, which Dean had lost. Even if his appearance hadn’t changed at all he was way weaker than any alpha or even beta.

It frightened both of them to even thing what could happen if anyone would pick a fight with Dean. Dean was still skilled fighter, but now he had huge disadvantage and his instincts working against him in every possible way. So Dean avoided going out as much as he could and Castiel tried to comfort him and offer at least some company. He didn’t want to show Dean how much it relieved his alpha to see Dean safe in their apartment. Castiel really wasn’t looking forward to school again – time when Dean would leave this apartment and was separated from Castiel. He was already worried as it was- to think that he wasn’t with Dean if anything was to happen- it was driving him crazy.

The only good of this horrible situation was that they spent so much time together. It was amazing how easy it was to communicate with Dean – Castiel had never been good with people and finding somebody who he could just be himself with was totally new experience for him. No matter how much he tried to fit in people always found him strange or “different” – but no one ever told him what he did wrong exactly. Being with Dean was natural somehow- even when they were just in the same room in silence dealing with their own business it wasn’t awkward. Sometimes when he was reading his books or watching documentaries about bees and their complicated life – Dean didn’t mock him for it like others usually did. Dean didn’t mind that Castiel didn’t seem to understand any of cultural references or how he often failed to understand simple jokes, how sarcasm was mostly wasted on him and only succeeded to make him extremely confused. If anything Dean found it all amusing and often laughed at Castiel when Castiel just did not understand that reference.

It was incredible to make Dean happy even when it was on his expense, but not in bad way – Dean never made him feel like he was laughed at. By the end of their break Castiel could honestly say that Dean was his best friend he had ever had (also the only one.) He could almost ignore the constant longing he had somewhere back of his mind that wanted more. If it weren’t for his alpha’s pining Castiel could have been satisfied staying Dean’s friend for the rest of his life. To his immense relief it seemed that their friendship was making things easier for Dean. They both ignored the “elephant in the room “as Dean had once put it although Castiel had no idea what an elephant had to do with their relationship. When he had asked about it he had just made Dean laugh out loud and Castiel remained clueless. He didn’t bring this up anymore and they went back to their normal communication. They laughed and talked and things were almost normal between them, reaching the point when they could sometimes forget just how bad their situation really was- those days were like sunshine, nights however were anything but.

His suspicion about being able to take Dean’ nightmares for himself had occurred to be true. For last two weeks Castiel had been absorbing all Dean’s nightmares and there was barely a night that went without having one. Every night he was experiencing all those painful things as if he was the one who had experienced them in much too great detail. There were times he woke up shuddering and crying out in pain as he could still feel phantom pains where acid blades had cut to his (Dean’s) skin or how heavy objects were lifted on his chest so it was hard to breathe or times when there was water pouring on his face and he really couldn’t breathe at all and make him feel like drowning. Sometimes it was hard to realize that he wasn’t tied in extremely uncomfortable and painful forced positions and stuffed in so tiny space he could hardly move. The dreams were so real that it was hard to come out of them, and when he finally did they left him exhausted and wrecked.

There were also other ones that didn’t include Alastair’s torture, but were hardly any better. They were more difficult to understand since he had no background story and it took him some time to put glimpses together of foggy dreams that included flames and woman screaming and little boy carrying infant in his arms out of the fire as he screamed for his mom. In those dreams he was also the one carrying infant and felt all the pain and fear for his mother who was burning and his father was still somewhere inside. The only thing he knew was that he had to protect the little one, but he was just a child himself. Those dreams always ended with dead mother and withdrawn father, who was never same again. All that was left to him was little brother who he was now responsible for. All that was left behind was fear and longing and overwhelming grief that didn’t vanish once he woke up.

Castiel did not understand how Dean had dealt with those – how could one human being experience so much pain in their life and not lost their mind? What had happened in this fire and if “his memories” about Alastair’s torture had actually happened then how in hell had Dean not broken completely? Those tortures were enough to bring down strongest man to his knees and howl in pain. After taking another nightmare to himself and waking all Castiel could do was crawl under his blanket and cry for hours. The effects didn’t go away easily – he had to battle them and force them away until he could find some comfort. If it was extremely hard night he sometimes sneaked out of his bedroom and searched for something that had Dean’s scent on it. He was ashamed to do so, but it seemed to be the only thing that eased his mind. Dean’s calming scent of mate (he still smelled like one- just unclaimed) and omega were enough to wash away remains of those horrors.

As hard as it was- Castiel didn’t regret taking Dean’s pain. The only thing worse than feeling all those things himself would have been the knowledge Dean was the one going through them. Besides there hadn’t been much difference- if he wouldn’t absorb those nightmares his alpha made him pay for it anyway. So it was better to suffer alone than let Dean have any of it, he was glad Dean hadn’t discovered the secret behind his peaceful sleeping mannerisms. It seemed that without nightmares Dean could actually get some restful sleep and remained unaware of Castiel’s distress about them.

Even though it was uncomfortable and exhausting to deal with this kind of things through the bond when his alpha sensed that Dean needed his protection -at least Castiel could give in to his alpha in those moments and offer his help. No matter how difficult it was to deal with all those emotions and phantom pains – it was something his alpha could do naturally and feel good about satisfying his instincts and protect his mate. Yes, he was suffering, but in weirdest way his alpha could feel good about it in some way at least, content that he was useful.

Unfortunately there were also different kind of dreams that did exact opposite. Not long after he had drained last bits of nightmares from Dean, they often were replaced with very different ones. The first time Castiel had felt burning desire in his veins to get fucked he had woken up confused and with rigid erection that just refused to go away no matter how much he tried to deal with it. Why was he dreaming about getting fucked? He remained clueless until next dreams which were even more disturbing as he was getting fucked by same blue eyed alpha with messy dark hair. Each time he woke up with burning need and throbbing boner, but best he could hope for was half-hearted orgasm, which was often more painful than pleasing. He didn’t fully realize what was going on until one night when it was so bad that he actually headed for fridge to get some ice on it, when he scented most alluring scent in whole word. Naturally it was coming from Dean’s room where scent of fresh slick and omega arousal was strongest.

“Oh,” Never in his life had he fled so quickly away from anything. He breathed heavily and tried to remain calm and force his alpha back. The scent of Dean’s arousal was enough to drive him mad with lust and there was constant mantra in his head mate, knot, breed, that consumed all his thoughts. He locked himself to his bedroom and had most intense jerk off season in his life – it was as bad as his rut and he was terrified what might happen if it would trigger one. What if he would slip and actually give in to his alpha? There was no doubt that he would end up fucking Dean senseless and claiming him – it would be damn miracle if he wouldn’t knock him up in progress. In his rut there was barely nothing more than need to breed and mate – and with Dean smelling like this, he doubted his alpha could resist. Dean didn’t actually want him this way- it had to be just his omega instinct, nothing else. It wasn’t as if Dean could possibly desire to even have sex with him – so Castiel fought it, leaving his alpha snarling and pissed off and furious about not giving his mate “what he craved for.”

He was somewhat successful – he didn’t end up breaking through Dean’s door not triggering his rut. He made every attempt to hide his unwanted affections from Dean, but he was not unaffected himself. It became so much harder to be just Dean’s friend when basically every night he could feel how badly Dean ached for him and longed for his touch. It was especially hard when bond flared more open and he could sense every bit of Dean’s needs that he didn’t satisfy. Soon he would be forced to use that scent blocker all day even when Dean complained about not scenting him, but it would be better than let Dean smell his redundant arousal. He was terrified of losing Dean when Dean would discover just how badly Castiel actually desired him no matter how much he tried to diminish it – it was always there and it could destroy all the progress they had made as friends.

Castiel knew that Dean didn’t actually want him, but his alpha saw it as beckoning light at the end of the tunnel and pushed even further to accomplish its’ quest to get Dean’s attention. Ever since he had felt Dean’s subconscious desire to mate him his alpha felt constant need to make all the preparations for it as he now had unabated need to build a nest. It was like itch he couldn’t scratch and it only worsened as he spent more time around Dean.

It was soon too clear that he just couldn’t pretend anymore as his alpha was driving him so mad that Dean had started notice that something was off with him.

“Dude you alright?”

“Of course Dean, why wouldn’t I be? I just haven’t slept much lately.”

Dean nodded in acknowledgment, “Yeah, it sucks big time. I used to deal with this kind of crap all the time you know. It basically drains you and leaves you exhausted and even if you try to sleep then you just can’t and when you finally do then you might be even more wreck after sleeping than before.” He patted Castiel’s shoulder three times. “I hope you will feel better soon, bro. “

Castiel smiled and nodded to show his gratitude, he didn’t dare to speak in case he might slip and reveal too much about his sleeping problems. So he excused himself and tried to escape into the next book when he caught some flickering through their bond which startled him. It wasn’t often when bond appeared during the day time – it mostly opened at night when Dean was unconscious. Rarely could he get glimpses of Dean’s feelings but mostly he just felt that hollowness in his chest where Dean’s feelings should have been. He turned around to see Dean examining him with unreadable expression on his face staring at him intensively. Automatically he tried to sense more through the bond- welcoming it as it filled the empty space inside his chest, and could barely hold back gasp as he was flooded with overwhelming longing and desire. He could also feel how Dean tried to fight it and tendrils of fear, but most of it was pure longing.

Before he could say something Dean coughed and flashed bright red and left the room, leaving astonished Castiel behind. Dean couldn’t feel that way, not really. Well Castiel knew he did, but it was beyond him to understand how or why. There was no way he could be mistaken about it- the bond had been wide open. It confused Castiel even more was fact that Dean had made it clear that he could possibly never want him this way and Castiel did his very best to accept it, but how was he supposed to fight it when he could feel Dean this way?

Three days after the incident Castiel finally broke and gave in to his alpha and bought all the pillows he found suitable for the nest. On the last day of break he waited until Dean had fallen asleep and smuggled in all the pillows he had bought and placed them to his room. He had to pay for some special (emergency) delivery to get them at night, but there was no way he could risk Dean seeing any of it. He was stricken that he had actually swooped so low that he just couldn’t push it back any longer without risking losing his mind. He hadn’t slept at all for past three days; instead he had laid on his bed and struggled through Dean’s nightmares which were soon followed by his wet dreams, which drove him crazy as his alpha was nearly feral in its consuming need to start nesting. So he finally gave in to his desire to build the nest- perhaps it would soothe his alpha somewhat so he could at least sleep a little and find some comfort in it.

It was nearly morning when he finally placed last of the green and blue pillows to his bedroom. When the first sunbeams fell to his room he gulped as he saw just how far he had gone in this madness – every available spot was covered at least knee length of pillows. There wasn’t a free spot on the floor – entire room was turned into huge nest suitable for alpha-alpha. If it weren’t for headboard he wouldn’t even be able to find his bed at all as it blended completely in with the rest of the nest. From now on he would have to lock his bedroom door and leave his room through his bathroom so there would be at least two doors separating it from living room. He couldn’t risk opening his door in case Dean would see inside. He would just need to come up with yet another excuse and pray that this phase would be over before someone would discover it- especially Dean. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to know that Castiel was that affected from their bond, that he couldn’t even resist building a damn nest.

With deep sigh he curled to himself and finally fell asleep hugging a huge pillow close to his chest, wishing it would be his mate instead. For the first time in three days his alpha let him sleep finding small contentment in fact that he finally had a nest where his mate could come to. He had never felt more alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is NOT abandoned- and I will never willingly abandon it either. However due to my nasty health problems and personal drama, this is taking me way too long to update. I don't know how long it will take me to write this and I don't want to keep breaks between updates so long- so I will write rest of the story first and then I will regularly update the whole thing. That way there is going to be one huge hiatus ( right now) ..and I will return with regular updates. I can't say when exactly I will return, but I will.  
>  I'm sorry for taking so long, but I wanted to let you know that I will return.


	17. The Bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been like forever since my last update, but I haven't given up on this story.  
> My original plan was to complete the whole story, and then update it really regularly...but seems that some people wanted to see more immediately...- Can't really blame them - it has been forever.

 

“No, absolutely not!”

Cas glared at him angrily like Dean had gone completely mad and perhaps he had, why else would he volunteer to such insanity? There was no way he was going to back out though, this was the reason he had waited to the last minute before school so he could corner Cas and hopefully force him into agreeing – he had known Cas would throw a fit. In the last two weeks or so Dean had learned that Cas was practically incapable to refusing him anything – which was precisely the fact he was counting on right now.

“Come on Cas, it is not like you don’t have those blockers anyway. No one will be able to scent me – no one would discover that I‘m omega, I will be fine, I promise.” He tried to pull on his best puppy dog eyes, but with his luck he could as well look like mad rabbit for all he knew.

It worked for a second – he could see it in the way Cas’s eyes softened and he could swear Cas at least considered his plea, when Cas face suddenly hardened again.

“No Dean, it is too dangerous for you. There is no reason for you to wear my blockers. I NEED to hide my full scent to protect you, but you will be far safer with fake alpha musk and omega scent blockers. There is no point for you to endanger yourself in such way!”

And there it was – as well as Dean could count on fact that Cas wouldn’t refuse him almost anything there was also irrefutable fact that Cas would never agree with something that might put Dean even slightly in the danger. Damn, Dean didn’t like this plan much more either, but he ardently refused to be the reason why Cas couldn’t meet with his family since Dean had branded him with special “Destiel” flavor. It was problem he had caused and he was set on fixing it – he wasn’t gonna sit back and watch as Cas would suffer weird looks and possible fights just because he couldn’t come up with the reason why he was wearing full time scent blockers that masked his whole scent. Cas’s family would be worried that he had caught some terminal illness or something and other alphas would come to him like moths to the flame – hoping it would be easy to “challenge” him now that he was “weak”. Either way it was going to raise too much attention and Cas was going to have miserable time protecting Dean’s secret - just because he was that awesome.

There was no way in hell that Dean could just let him do it and be miserable – so he came up with the crazy plan on his own. If he would also wear Cas’s scent blockers which left them absolutely scentless – no emotions, no gender, no personal aroma they could make up fake cover story about drunken bet or something – just another battle in their endless “alpha –alpha” war. Sure it would sound stupid as fuck, but no one would hopefully question it with how they had acted since the beginning of the year – like totally obsessed morons. It was also something that drunken college students could come up with every now and then – absolutely dumb and pointless bets against each other.

This fake story would give them a “reason” why Cas was scentless and even though they would still look and gossip, they would get tired once a new hot topic would come around – and since students did stupid shit all the time it was likely to happen very soon. Cas could be with his family and instead of convincing them that he wasn’t dying or just going crazy (because that is what you get for randomly covering up your scent for absolutely no reason) he could tell them about his next “trial” with Dean and how they had challenged each other into seeing who could last longer on blockers since it was such a pain in the ass to wear them.

If they did this shit together – everyone would know the reason behind it –just the next idiotic amusement those two “enemies” had come up with in their endless try to get rid of each other. No one had any reason to think otherwise. Dean was known to do dumb stuff sometimes and he would never turn down a challenge from other alpha – especially the only alpha he had failed to win in physical fight. He was fairly popular (at least before about 2 months ago when shit had hit the fan) and with help of his awesome friends ( he hoped he still had them, since he had avoided them in fear they would scent him) the rumor about their “bet” would spread like a wildfire over the campus. Therefore there would be less “challengers” to deal with.

 Without their plan Cas would be challenged way too much – or alphas could even gang up so they could prove their worth against “alpha-alpha”. Alone, scentless and without any reason why he had decided to give up his scent – Cas would be practically screaming “easy target” to them, many of them would hope to defeat Cas easily and then hope to challenge Dean for their apartment – a fight Dean would lose before it could even start since he no longer had any alpha strength. His only hope was Cas’s protection and pure logic that no one would be insane enough to hope to try to win against two alpha-alphas.

 This was the reason why no one had dared to challenge either of them so far. Alpha could hope to take down alpha-alpha with luck at least, but two? It was unheard of, but if one of them would seem weak? Yeah, there would be some challengers. So in this very loose logic it made sense to spread rumors that this was just another one of their ridiculous fights. Everyone would know that they are not “weak” or “easy targets” so it would protect both of them and give Cas the “reason” to be on blockers. The full blockers would be enough to hide Dean’s gender and as far as no one would actually pick a fight with him they would never have any reason to think that “oh this alpha-alpha has surely somehow been illegally turned into omega by mysterious ways”. People tended to stick to the easiest explanation.

Now Dean only had to get the actual blockers from Cas, who would rather seem to suffer alone than let Dean anywhere near his blockers. Dean couldn’t blame him, if this stuff worked as well on him as it did on Cas it was going to be pain in the ass. He had seen how people glared at Cas when he passed by in the parking lot - he had been watching from the window as two alphas cornered Cas yesterday when he was on his way to buy them some groceries. Cas had won of course, Dean never even got a glimpse on any injury he might have gotten from the fight, but this had been harsh reality check for him. This was why he had been up all night and tried to think of any excuse Cas might be able to give people – there wasn’t one ( well, expect the truth.) The bet idea had been the only thing he had been able to come up with and so here he was – begging Cas to let him join this misery.

There was no point to argue that it was perfectly safe for Dean to be on full blockers- he knew that there always could be someone, who would sense their scum and actually challenge him or someone who wouldn’t have heard about their bet in the first place. So Dean might not be perfectly safe but then again- was it really worse than being on fake alpha musk? He could forget to put one on in exactly 4 hours or accidentally wash it off after practice, someone could find faintest traces of mismatch in his scent and he would be busted. Sure, the fancy alpha musk Cas had given him could **_almost_** match his own natural one, but it wasn’t perfect match.  

He had told this to Cas with all the other reasons as to why it wouldn’t be nearly as bad for him (and Cas) if they just went with his fake story. Cas could see his family, no one would discover Dean’s secret and they could be happy as long as their story worked. While Cas seemed to be all for the idea itself he was still troubled with the possibility that someone might come after Dean.

“I already told you Cas, I am in as much danger as I am anyway. Wearing fake musk and risking making one mistake – everyone would know I’m omega and then it would go to hell anyway. Wearing those blockers will give me as much cover story as for you – and I told you – no alpha would be insane enough to dare to challenge BOTH of us, if they are aware that we are on blockers not scentless thanks to some illness. It will work, I’m sure of it.” Well, he was like 80 % sure since he never doubted that there are idiots who would try their luck anyway, but it wouldn’t do him any good to tell Cas **that**.

He was met with silence and he tried to look as hopeful as possible, he could practically see Cas fighting with himself- torn between Dean’s reasoning and his wish to protect him. He could already sense the win so he delivered his final ace, “Besides, I would feel so much better on full blockers and going along with this plan. It would ease my guilt over pulling this on you on the first place and I’m already considering buying those blockers from Crowley myself if you are going to refuse. I’m just asking you since you already bought huge supply and I currently don’t have enough money to buy those.”

 He was playing dirty and he knew it. There was no way he would be able to actually buy those blockers for himself – at least without working himself to death and Cas knew it. Cas had actually bought huge supply of those blockers – (dude had some serious problem with estimating needed amount for anything) so he had more than enough to share. And last but not least- Cas had this huge thing on giving Dean whatever he wanted and providing for him. This way Dean was asking for his help and Cas had really hard time on refusing him. Dean hated that he was manipulating Cas in such way – playing on his providing instincts, but this was the only way he could actually get those damn blockers. One day he will pay Cas back, but right now he needed Cas to “provide” for him.

“I still don’t like it”, Cas sighed, but eventually he went to his bathroom and brought back huge box with military blockers. “Spray yourself every 8 hours with this and took one pill of those” he pointed at bottle of little blue pills “those will prevent your scent glands from working and you will be truly scentless.”

“Thanks Cas, I owe you one!” He flashed his most brilliant smile and hoped it would make Cas feel better. Dean truly was thankful for those blockers – those were way easier to take than putting on omega blockers, and then fake alpha musk.

He took one of the little blue pills and was grateful that they didn’t have much taste. Then he sprayed himself thoughtfully over with that special spray to get rid of any remaining scents he had on before he took the pills.

“So, how do I know if they worked?” he turned to Cas who was staring at him with the expression of kicked puppy.

“Oh, they worked fine, I can’t pick up even faintest trace of your scent. It is awful!”

Then he covered his own scent and Dean had to agree wholeheartedly – it was bloody awful. It was crime that Cas had to cover up his divine scent, but that wasn’t worst part. His scent was everything to Dean – pie, apples, leather, whiskey with hint of lemongrass and Dean’s own scent mixed in heavenly smell of mate. With his scent gone there was no trace of Dean’s claim. How would everyone know that Cas was **_his_** then – now anyone might hit on Cas and who could blame them? – Cas was gorgeous.

Sharp pain of longing pierced through his heart, since Cas wasn’t his – he had Dean’s claim, but Dean hadn’t accepted him as his own mate – yet another proof of Dean’s stupidly, because who wouldn’t want smoking-hot kind mate with those baby blue eyes and best scent in the known universe? Even worse- who was stupid enough to actually **_want_** Cas as is mate, who was **_born_** to be his mate and denied them both the opportunity that they **_both_** wanted just because Dean was raised to be bigoted asshole by his even worse father?

He really needed to figure out what he wanted since there was nothing he could do about being Cas’s true-mate who had **_also_** formed half-mating bond with him. It wasn’t like he could just leave Cas or find another mate – and Cas definitely couldn’t find other mate even if Dean rejected him - no, Cas would most likely die due to the rejection or suffer rest of his life – **_not_** an option.  Dean might as well just hope that his father would kindly accept his new omega status and wish him luck – also not an option. Since Dean had no idea what he wanted (or rather, what he would dare to do once he would have to choose) he was stuck with most obvious choice – suffering along with Cas.

Technically Dean could try to find another mate, but he would never be able to bond with them – his scent bond to Cas made sure for that. To his “omega” it was impossible to have another mate, even without Cas’s physical claim on his body. Even if Dean could ignore his instincts (which burned like acid when he even thought about having another mate), it wouldn’t be fair to Cas – who was bonded to him. And even if Dean was unclaimed omega – wouldn’t it still count as cheating if he dated anyone else? He had already claimed a mate- so wasn’t he actually mated to Cas even if his own body had no claim? Those thoughts were making his head hurt and he tried his best to ignore them - deep down he already had a feeling what he was going to choose in the end and it utterly terrified him – there was no way he would ever be able to say it out loud and he definitely wasn’t ready to pronounce his not-yet-decision to the world.

Their current situation wasn’t fair to Cas, it wasn’t fair to him, but it was all he could deal with right now. If denial could at least prolong his decision he would gladly drown himself in it, guilt was a small price to pay.

 

***

If his heart would beat any faster Dean would be afraid it might actually break his chest as he makes his way towards his friends whom he had avoided for past 2 months. This was it – his chance to have friends again, his one opportunity to make up for them for ignoring their invitations for social gatherings for months and if everything went well – his opportunity to start spreading rumors about their so called “bet”.  As Cas had no friends – Dean had made sure of that in the beginning of the year –( god, he truly was a jerk )– it fell upon him to tell their epic fight story to people who ( hopefully) would still speak with him on friendly terms.

The eerie silence that greeted him was anything but encouraging as he stood behind Garth and waited for any sign that it would be okay to join them.

“You have my permission to sit, my beautiful handmaiden!” Charlie told him as if reading his mind, with friendly smirk and that was it- the tension broke and Dean was accepted back without question.

“Thank God, I was afraid I messed up your orders, my queen. “ He said with exaggerated bow.

“Oh you did jerk, but in order to mess up you would actually need to be present! So care to tell us why in hell have you been ignoring us all this time? I get that it was hard to get over Lisa, after you for some mysterious reason left her hot and waiting after you had tried to get her to come out with you for better part of the first semester, but you could have told us, we are always here for you! And then she told us you were ill enough to have lost your scent and… OH, GOD I’M SO SORRY DEAN. WHAT HAPPENED?”

What? Oh right he had been on date with Lisa when the first symptoms to his change kicked in. He hadn’t much thought about it afterwards, too busy with his gender drama to actually want to date, not to mention the fact that no omega would be interested in him anymore if they would know the truth– or he in them he thought bitterly.

“Oh, Yeah I was pretty ill for a while and then I had to burry myself in work to make up for it and I’m so sorry for ign…”

They all stared at him like he had lost his mind. Jo looked like she was about to cry and Charlie had stricken face, Garth looked scared to death and Benny looked so pale he could easily pass off as vampire. Only Ash seemed to be more or less normal, but more focused on him like Dean was a puzzle he needed to figure out.

It was Jo who broke silence first, “Dean you are still ill, aren’t you? What is it? – Leukemia? Brain tumor? Whatever it is, we are here for you and how could you even NOT tell us, we have been worried out of our minds, but you were never there. Always at work or hiding in your dorm, pretending to not be there, not answering our calls… “

Dean felt like shit, he had never considered how much he meant to them, he had ignored their calls and not answered the door in the hopes that they would stop trying to be with him. It was miracle Jo or Charlie hadn’t already broken into his apartment by force.  He had been so afraid that they could scent him thanks to the cheap blockers and would reject him or even worse – tell everyone that great alpha-alpha Dean Winchester was now a pathetic bitch. Well he didn’t think that they would do that to him, but he was certainly worried about being outted as omega. If his friends knew – it would become too real, and Dean was trying to live in the past where his friends wouldn’t have to look at him differently – or even pity him.

“Hey, calm your pants, I’m not dying!” Sure he had been ill and changed to bitch, but he looked exactly the same – there was no obvious physical change between him now and then. “Do I really look that bad that you are already planning my funeral?” He tried to joke.

Their faces were perfect mix of relief, confusion and anger – at least on Jo. “Oh, you are not? Good, then I can kick your stupid ass for scaring me to death.”

Dean winced, he knew it was not completely empty threat, but he let Jo go on.

“Then **_why_** exactly you don’t have a scent? And what else might have been any reason to ditch us?”  Jo demanded furiously.

Oh, he had already forgotten that he was wearing blockers. Only now it dawned to him that last time they had heard of him- he had been so ill that he had left Lisa and lost his scent. For all they knew Dean might have been fighting some awful illness the whole time and been too afraid to tell them – which is totally what he would have done in this case he had to admit.

“Well I might have done something stupid?” he offered.

Benny snorted, “Yeah, we already know that, since you have been avoiding us, but what on earth happened to you brother? “

“Look, I was ill alright – and I’m sorry for ditching you, but I had some personal problems I had to take care of and I simply needed some alone time for that. I’m sorry I was such an ass to you, I can’t tell you what exactly happened but I promise to you that there is very good reason behind that.”  Not the best apology in the world, but best one he can give them.

“And no – I’m not dying or ill anymore if that is what you think off – there is reason for that as well.” He gulped and tried to look apologetic “ I might have…um…I made a stupid bet with Castiel, I don’t even remember who started it, but we kind of challenged each other into wearing those full blockers to see which one of us can last longer on them, since they are such pain in the ass to wear, you know.”

 Most of them seemed incredulous, but thankfully relieved that he was apparently not dying. Benny and Ash actually laughed, and Charlie was fighting to keep straight face.

“This is the most absurd thing I have ever heard of, why can’t you just let go of it?” Jo asked. “It has been going on long enough, why can’t two of you just **_try_** to get along?” Charlie groaned.

“Well I couldn’t okay, even I know that this is pointless and trust me I would change it if I could – those blockers are pain in the ass, but I was challenged – I can’t give up.”  This was almost too easy – it fit into his alpha role playing where he would rather die than give up or admit loss to the other alpha and his friends knew it. Sure they have been bugging him since the beginning of the year to give Cas chance, but he had adamantly refused – too obsessed with defeating Cas. His friends had been pissed with him, but eventually blamed it on his stubborn alpha side and let it go. In hindsight they had been right – Dean should have given Cas the chance and things would have probably ended up very differently. After getting to know Cas little better it was almost impossible to not like him – he was like this little teddy bear you just wanted to take home and cuddle…(sexy, and fucking hot teddy bear…) and possibly do much more stuff with him, but he had been to blind to see it.

An idea stroke him and he hoped they didn’t notice how differently he was going to play his cards right now. He was lucky he was usually very good at improvising.

“Yeah, it was stupid bet - I know, but believe it or not I have actually tried to make friends with him as much as I can. We even spent the Christmas break together!” This wasn’t even too far from truth and only thing that was between their happy friendship was their unsolved sexual tension and this whole mate thing, but there was no way he was going to admit that. “We were drunk one night and then we got this idea that we try to live in piece, but made this challenge to please our alpha sides so they would feel satisfied and still got their “challenge” thing going on. It also makes it easier to live with each other since our alpha musk doesn’t drive us crazy all the time- we can actually talk!”

Wow, this got out better than he expected it sounded more reasonable and do his satisfaction his friends seemed to buy it.

“Hmm, it actually makes sort of sense. Not the part where you wished to make such a deal to begin with, but I can see the appeal behind satisfying your alphas with harmless challenge and how it might be good for you to not stink the place up with your testosterone. Does it actually help?” Garth asked.

This was his opening if he ever had one, “I know it is not ideal, but yeah, it does. We even watched Star Wars together and he is nice guy, it is just his alphaness I have problem with, did you know dude had never seen Star Wars?” Apparently it was the right thing to say.

“WHAT, NO WAY!” Charlie exclaimed. “It is our duty to introduce him to all our geekiness, could we have marathon in your place. I mean can we? You have this ridiculously huge apartment with him and it has been too long since we last did movie nights. We could meet this weekend and you could introduce us, unless you lied to save your ass and you have problem of spending time with him? “Her voice rose to the dangerous level daring him to agree, but Dean could only feel relief. Trust Star Wars to save his ass and distract his friends from questioning their friendship with Cas. The more distraction they got the better and Dean really could use some quality time with them, and if he got Cas into their cycle it would only be huge bonus right?

“I fully agree to your terms, but on one condition – you are going to organize the full thing and I will get Cas to accept. “

The way Charlie beamed at him and immediately started to organize their gathering with Jo and Ash, made him smile. If everything went according to his plan then his friends would be so distracted with their planning that they won’t have time to question him about Cas and by the time they were done with all the tv-shows and movies they absolutely needed to introduce Cas too – Cas would be so deeply in their friends cycle that no one would even remember to question it in the first place.  And if Dean secretly wished to spend more time with Cas behind the illusion of just being with his friends cycle – no one needed to know right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry it has been SO long. I'm not going to make any excuses though - they are irrelevant. Please just don't tear me apart - too much. Fanfic writers are friends - NOT Food....


	18. The Beast Within

 

If Castiel had paid more attention to his surroundings, instead of trying to find Dean in the cafeteria full of people, he might have noticed Gabriel and Anna moving towards him, but of course he wasn’t that lucky.

The need to make sure that Dean was safe and no one was bothering him was too strong and left his alpha on the edge. It was the first time since Dean had left their apartment in weeks and now he was wearing full on scent blockers – and Castiel knew all too well how much trouble it might attract. During the Christmas break he had had a few minor encounters with some aggressive knotheads, who had made their dislike for him perfectly clear. Luckily none of them had done actual damage, although there had been few fights which he quickly won. Now he mostly just let the alpha red bleed into his eyes, so that most people instinctively tried to avoid him. Unfortunately it did nothing to keep away annoying siblings he was too inattentive to notice before it was too late.

“There you are little bro if I didn’t knew better I would have thought that you were avoiding us!” Gabriel exclaimed as pulled the half eaten lollipop out of his mouth and then immediately wrapped his arms around Castiel in uncomfortable bear hug.

Castiel froze, too much in daze to actually hug back, his panicked mind in loop about trying to come up with some sort of reply which would make this conversation semi-normal after doing exactly what he was accused for – avoiding his family. He had left brief message to Anna saying that he wasn’t coming home for Christmas under the pretence that he needed to study – this was normal enough for him that they hadn’t bothered to question him nor stupid enough to try to convince him to change his mind.

Everyone in their family knew that Castiel was little weird and preferred quiet solitude over the overpopulated holydays in Novak household, preferring to study in his dorm rather than spend time with his snobbish relatives, most of who only talked about money, power and fame which held little to no interest to Castiel.

 To make matters worse some of his family were taking special interest in him due to his alpha-alpha presentation, and tried to get more involved with him in the hopes to make good relationship with him, since he could be considered the most influential Novak one day if he would choose so. Most of his family and their closest acquaintances held status and financial security in high regard and tried to keep close to richest and most powerful alphas in the family. Since all of them were rich the attention shifted more on their secondary gender and unfortunately that made Castiel automatically the number one in their family.

There were lot of expectations on him – how he would one day lead the Novak Empire into new golden age, taking over from the current pack alpha and being the new head of the family. Therefore there were always people surrounding him, powerful business partners from various Novak family companies trying to get close to him, many going even that far that there had been talks about arranging marriage between him and their omega children. Luckily his mother ( bless her) had made clear that Castiel will not be forced to take a mate if he didn’t want to, although he knew that some in their family disapproved of her decision.

Since most of the parties and family gatherings involved getting introduced to important people with their meek omega siblings (translation for- potential mates) and feisty beta girls, some of them throwing themselves in his way without even trying to get to know him first – just trying to seduce him into mating them, Castiel did his best to avoid such events at all cost.

Over the years it had become easier to stay in school over breaks, excuse himself in some fancy travelling trip to somewhere far away instead of going home – and although his parents were disappointed in him they didn’t dare to outright refuse him as long as he made appearance at least twice per year and made regular calls to keep in contact with his mother and father. It was no wonder that Gabe and Anna hadn’t been surprised over his decision to not go home as it wasn’t out of his ordinary behaviour.

His lack of response to the hug finally seemed to get his brothers attention and he pulled back with frown, waiting to get at least some sort of response out of Castiel instead of standing like a stone statue in one place.

“It is good to see you too.” Castiel offered with weak smile as he kept his attention on both of his siblings who were staring at him in confusion.

It was Anna who finally ended the silence and stepped forward and slapped his cheek with open palm – it wasn’t strong slap, but it certainly came as surprise to him since she normally didn’t express such a violent behaviour.

“Have you returned to the earth from wherever your mind had wondered?” she asked with sharp tone, but her eyes crinkled around the corners and he could tell that she wasn’t really mad at him. It didn’t last long however as Gabriel let out loud gasp and his face twisted in most ridiculous imitation of fish out of water that Castiel had ever seen in his life. If someone had told him that there would come a day when his obnoxious older brother would be reduced speechless he wouldn’t have been able to believe it, but apparently Gabe had lost his ability to speak as he continued to gap is mouth helplessly with no sound coming out.

Finally Anna seemed to catch up with them about the weird behaviour of both of his brothers and turned to Castiel. “So I see the rumours ARE true, you DID make a stupid bet with Winchester – I would like to see how he managed to drag such a stupid behaviour out of YOU. You NEVER do something so weird and you certainly never take part in such absurd rubbish as this so called “bet” the whole school is talking about! What did he do to trick you into it – did he promise to finally leave the apartment if you accepted this stupid deal? I can’t imagine any other reason why you would voluntarily pour yourself over with strongest scent blockers available.”

“I ..uh, I..” It seemed that Gabriel wasn’t only one with speaking problems, must be genetic. It had worked! Their entirely made up and most stupid plan to spread rumours about their so called bet was actually working, and was already spread wide enough for having to reached his siblings. Castiel was extremely grateful since it means that he doesn’t have to explain this story all over again to his siblings and potentially make some stupid mistake in repeating this lie, he could just act shy and “confirm” whatever they have heard already from the rumours and add some typical alpha behaviour in to make it more believable – stubbornness, defence and pride.

“I wasn’t thinking,” he hissed, “we were just arguing and doing our usual bickering when it just suddenly happened and I agreed to it. Only later did I discover what I had done! It is not like I can back up know – it would mean he wins and I am not down for that.”

Anna sighed while Gabriel seemed to become overly excited – “ It is still so hard to imagine, Cassie, the most serious person in the world, always following-the-rules Cassie, making such a unreasonable decisions on act of impulse – this is brilliant, I won’t let you forget this for the rest of your life! The time when your impeccable self control snapped and you did something foolish!”

Castiel sighed mentally, but assumed it was worth it to keep their secret and keep Dean safe. If the worst prize to pay was dealing with lifelong jokes on his expense he was fine with that. He attempted to look as exasperated as possible in order to convince his brother that this was indeed very embarrassing and he dreaded his promise to never let him forget this.

 “Could we please talk about something else? How was our family?” He asked, trying to act as if this was truly horrifying topic. He was rewarded with Gabriel’s mischievous smile, which promised him that Gabe had fallen into his new plan to “embarrass him” – which Castiel normally would have dreaded.

“Wow, you really must be ashamed if you would rather talk about our family Cassie! Don’t you think we will let this go anytime soon – your attempt to change topic won’t work on us! Be prepared for more – I‘m already thinking of ways to get you to agree on something even more scandalous. If Winchester could do it so can I. I never thought it was possible, but now that I am proven wrong, I have a whole new list of pranks to work out for you. One day I will succeed in making fun of you! Excuse me dear sis, I will have to go and start plotting!” With those words Gabriel left with impish glee in his eyes, obviously already imagining all the horrible ways to humiliate Castiel in the ways he considered to be “funny”.

“He doesn’t really mean that, does he?” Castiel turned to Anna, trying to look as afraid as possible.

Anna laughed, “You know he does, and there is no stopping him anytime soon – you better be prepared for epic prank war and I would suggest avoiding playing truth or dare or spinning the bottle for the rest of your life. Actually no, perhaps you would be wiser to accept some more bearable idea of his and just get this over with as painlessly as possible.”

“And give him encouragement to think of more pranks in the future?” he asked incredulously.

“Well, if you are not going to give in you will just have to wait until he gives up – and that might take really long time. How bad would it be to just let him have a little bit fun?”

Castiel bit his lip in anxiously, “Knowing Gabe, a lot - more than I ever want to deal with. Guess I just have to be more careful and make sure I wouldn’t make any more rush decisions in the future regarding stupid behaviour.”

“I wish you good luck then brother. Formerly I would have thought you wouldn’t need any – you are the last person I ever expected to do something stupid, but I guess it has to do something with certain green eyed alpha roommate, doesn’t it? You just can’t help it when it comes to Dean – you let this whole alpha rivalry take control over your life and do things you normally wouldn’t even dream of. I just hope you don’t do something which could actually harm you - that you won’t go too far in this nonsense.”

Despite the light warning in her tone Castiel understood that she was truly worried about him fucking something up very badly.  Had he really been so bad before in his blind hate war with Dean that she actually **_expected_** him to mess it up? Thinking back of it he was pretty sure answer to that question was positive.

“You don’t have to worry too much, things with Dean have remarkably calmed down over the break. There is still tension between us, but we mostly don’t want to rip out each other throats anymore.” Well, despite for his constant desire to take a deep bite from Deans jugular and claim him back, but Anna didn’t have to know that. “In fact we are almost on friendly terms at the moment, this new situation has actually improved our relationship and we even try to get along.”

Seeing the utmost shock on Anna’s face he couldn’t hold back laughter. “What? You thought that I was so deeply gone that I couldn’t act normally around him anymore?” _You still can’t -_ whispered evil voice in his head, but Castiel ignored it. “We were forced to share apartment over break and actually get along in order to get some rest – if it took some stupid bet to do that it certainly isn’t worse price to pay.”

“I guess not,” said Anna, “but let’s see if you still think that way after Gabe releases his epic prank war on you – then let’s see how bad this price truly was.”

“Don’t remind me!” Castiel groaned, not wanting to think about all the horrors that Gabe could come up with. Perhaps it would be better to do something stupid soon, and hope it would be enough to satisfy Gabriel’s never ending desire to make fun of him. He could live with pink hair for few months – or something awful like that if it meant getting rid of Gabe sooner.

“CAS!” Immediately he turned around and smiled at Dean who was walking towards them looking very excited about something.

“Guess you were not joking about getting along with him better”, he heard Anna mumbling under her breath, but he was too busy looking for Dean to bother to answer her.

His first instinct was nearly overpowering desire to check Dean for all possible injuries and then drag him back into the safety of their apartment, where he could keep him safe. Possibly wash away those horrible blockers, which made his alpha whine inwardly as there was no way to be sure what his mate was feeling, expect for those rare flashes he got to Dean’s feelings sometimes- but those were too unreliable and usually didn’t last enough for him to realize what Dean was truly feeling. More often than not those flashes were just cruel reminders of the cold empty space in his chest where his mate was supposed to be, being filled for moment with warmth and all the good things, only to be taken away next moment leaving his alpha in utter confusion and despair.

“Hello Dean,” he rasps out, not daring to say more in fear of revealing too much about his inner battle – his need to ask about every little detail that has happened to Dean today and then be overbearingly protective – that would be sure way to rise some suspicions .- especially from his sister, who is standing right beside them. He forces his instincts down and looks Dean over, feeling incredible relief once he realises that this must be happiest he has seen Dean in weeks.

Dean nodded briefly to Anna in greeting before turning to Castiel, “I just wanted to let you know that my friends decided to throw move night this weekend in our apartment and uh...well...you know how Charlie is - there is no point in arguing her so I told her that we are totally fine with it, and you will be there.”

No, Castiel had no idea how Charlie was, but he guessed it didn’t matter. Dean wanted him to be there – and there was no way he was going to turn down any opportunity to spend some time with him.

“Of course Dean, is there anything I should do to prepare myself for? I’m afraid I don’t have many experiences with social gathering like this – do I have to wear formal suit?” After all, it was very important to leave good first impression on Dean’s friends, Dean cared about them deeply and they made him happy. Castiel would be extremely lucky if Dean’s friends would accept him into their circle, not that he deserved to be there.

Dean casted him baffled look, before bursting into loud laughter, it was incredibly nice sound Cas remarked, but he had no idea what Dean considered to be so funny. Did he say something inappropriate? He tilted his head in confusion and turned to Anna, who was fighting of smile on her face- and failing miserably.

“And this is the reason, why you are not the people’s person in our family, Cassie.” She smiled, but it quickly turned into frown instead, “Or perhaps our family is the reason you would even ask something like this – stupid formal gatherings, only formal wear and no hanging out with friends...” she sighed, “ No Castiel, normal people don’t have to dress up for watching movies in their own apartment with friends .”

Still unsure he turned to Dean, who had managed to calm down a bit although there were still remains of laughter on his face, but he didn’t seem to find Castiel’s lack of people skills off- putting. Instead he threw his arm onto Castiel’s shoulder and gave him a tight squeeze, “No need to worry Cas. I won’t let them bite you – they actually don’t bite – well, except for Jo, but she usually only takes it out on me. She wouldn’t dare to piss you off on first meeting though – they have all been nagging me for months that I should at least try to get along with you...so um, anyway...just put on some clothes and you should be good. I guess the worst you will probably have to deal with is dealing with their curiosity about you as person – since you are the Novak and all that, and then you will probably have to go through some interrogation Charlie and Jo will most likely put you through...

“Interrogation?” Castiel squeaked in high pitched voice. He wasn’t ready for that! What if he failed their questions and was not deemed good enough to be Dean’s friend? He could lose Dean! (Not that he actually **_had_** Dean in first place, but he could lose any hope to ever fix things between them.) He wasn’t good with people, everybody considered him weird and if it weren’t for his status as Novak, he would have been bullied worse during his high school years.

Dean must have sensed his panic since suddenly he was wrapped in hesitant hug, while Dean patted his shoulder awkwardly and whispered calming words to him. “No need to worry Cas, we can cancel this if this makes you so uncomfortable...or..” suddenly Dean jumped back as if realizing that he was actually touching Cas in too friendly manner in front of Anna and few other students, making Castiel miss his touch instantly. He half expected Dean to yell at him, or running away, but he was surprised when Dean asked if Anna and Gabriel would be interested in joining them for movie night.

Castiel could see how thousands of questions flicked over Anna’s face, before she agreed that they will be there for Cas and she couldn’t wait to get to know them better. The last part was accompanied with batting her eyes at Dean, which Cas find confusing and he didn’t like it at all for some reason. Was Anna flirting with Dean? How dare she!- Dean was **_his_** mate! But then he remembered, that Anna had no idea that Dean was his mate – did she? He sighed dramatically momentarily forgetting that he was not alone.

“Is this alright with you Cassie? I mean, I wouldn’t mind getting to know your roommate and his friends a bit and we were supposed to hang out on Saturday anyway, this way we can still hang out together while you can also make new friends!”

Of course it was fine, having Anna and Gabe there would even make things easier for him. If he was lucky Dean’s friends would have two other Novaks to focus on in case he was not good enough with conversation and he would not be in sole centre of attention. So he nodded.

“Great, let me know the details and we will be there!” With those words Anna hugged him goodbye and rushed away while making a show of moving her hips way too prominently, leaving him alone with Dean, who looked weirdly apologetic.

“Is it alright that I invited her too? You just seemed so uncomfortable with the idea...and I just acted. I didn’t even ask you and ...god...did I mess up?” Dean asked.

“No, I am fine with them coming, although you might regret that invitation once Gabriel arrives. I would strongly advise you to lock your bedroom door and possibly put all the products from your bathroom away while he is there – he is true trickster and he just can’t resist opportunity to mess with people.”

God, he hoped his brother would not do something stupid – was it too much to ask for ONE day without having to worry about Gabriel ruining the day? He could NOT let Gabe throw pranks on Dean – after all this is exactly why they had their first fight with Dean – Gabe and his stupid prank on the party. It seemed that he was not the only one to remember it as Dean’s face soured.

“Thanks for warning, anything else I should look out for?”

Castiel thought about it, generally his siblings were nice with people, despite Gabriel’s lack of good behaviour. He was ready to say no, but then he remembered the wink Anna had given Dean. “I guess my sister might want to get to know you better, she seemed interested in you.” He prayed that he was wrong, but the way Anna acted around Dean and how she always tried to talk him into “ trying to get along with Dean” led him to believe otherwise.

To his surprise Dean laughed out loud, “Yeah, I could tell that myself. She tried to ask me out few times after the incident at the bar, but I refused her.”

“She did?” Castiel hated how obviously jealous he sounded, but he couldn’t help it, his own sister had asked Dean out, and he had no idea. What if Dean had accepted – Castiel would have been forced to watch as he would have lost his mate to his own sister. Anna who probably would have been much better mate for Dean, sweet and loving, good with people...Not like him.

“Yeah, but I must admit, I really **_did_** consider accepting her offer- your sister is hot as fuck.”

Great, just what Castiel needed to hear, his heart sank and all he could say was quiet “Oh”, before suddenly appearing to be very interested in ground. Of course Dean had wanted to go out with Anna – and he considered Anna hot, Castiel should not be surprised at that – his sister was aesthetically pleasing according to many of their family friends. It still hurt his alpha though, since how was he supposed to compete with that?

“...but I refused her, since I knew it would be wrong to use her like that. It didn’t seem fair to use her for our fight, just to get rise out of you. And if I would have actually fallen in love with her, then it would have been impossible to get her family to like me, since we were on such a bad terms with you. Also I might have been slightly worried that I was more interested her since she was **_your_** sister, and not because of her – you know?”

“What?” Castiel had been only half listening, too deeply in his depressing thoughts to catch up with Dean’s speech. “What do you mean by “since she **_is_** my sister”?”  It didn’t make any sense. Why would anyone want to date someone based on their siblings?

Dean blushed and avoided his gaze before speaking, as if he was confessing something secret or shameful, “I don’t know. Normally I would have accepted in a heartbeat. I mean hot chick asking me out – hard to say no to that. But it didn’t feel right, and I hated to admit to myself that every time I considered accepting her offer, all I could think about was you – the way **_you_** might react, how there were similar traces of blue in her eyes, how I could get back to **_you_**... how **_you_** would be my brother-in-law. Everything always came down to **_you_** and it terrified me. Sometimes it was good to think how it would displease you. Other times it frustrated me that I could not even date hot chick, because his brother was asshole. Then I hated how much **_I_** was asshole for wanting to date someone, **_because_** their brother was asshole...But no matter how I tried to think about **_her_** \- you were always there in some way, so I refused.”

Castiel could not help but stare Dean, completely dumbfounded; Dean had turned down Anna because of him? Alpha in him was dancing in victory, while he was still confused how much he had had effect on Dean without even knowing it, far before they ever get along. He cursed his next question even before he gets it out, but he had to ask.

“So, is there any danger of you giving into her now?” He winced, that sounded way too much like he had any right to ask such thing from Dean, which he didn’t of course, so he quickly added, “ I would understand if you would be interested, I mean, she is hot and if you want you could try with her, just please don’t hurt her...” 

It was hard to get words out, his alpha was furious with him. Was he mad or something? He was willingly giving his damn permission – no, even worse; he was actually offering Dean to go out with Anna. But Dean said it himself- Anna was “hot” and if Dean wanted to go out and be happy with his sister, then Castiel would learn to live with that, or at least pretend to, he had no doubt that he could never accept it in his heart – his stupid alpha would not let him. Still he was willing to try – for Dean AND Anna – she was his sister after all and Castiel loved him.

He wasn’t expecting hard slap on his head and furious green eyes burning holes in him. Without any warning he was pushed against the nearest wall and air was smacked out of him as he came face to face with furious Dean.

“Are you fucking crazy? I just gave you speech how I could not ask her out since it would be wrong on SO many levels, and all you heard was that I **_considered_** accepting her offer?”

Castiel had no idea how to reply, nor even how to form any words whatsoever as he was suddenly flooded with stream of foreign feelings, that did not belong to him. They passed too quickly for him to determine most of them, but he got general concept of  Dean’s anger, hurt, frustration, loyalty mixed with strange hesitation and feeling of “ ** _mine_** ” which was thrown at his alpha in such a force that Castiel bared his neck without second thought, hoping to show that he completely submits to his mate. He had no idea what his mate wanted from him exactly, but he was willing to give anything to please him – even if he could not form any words for that, his alpha showed Dean that he is listening.

As suddenly as the bond had flared to life it disappeared again, giving only occasional pulses of surprise, shock, satisfaction, shame and confusion. Castiel could easily agree with last one- he had no idea how to deal with feelings that Dean was throwing his way, or how to calm down his inner alpha, which was extremely agitated and flummoxed – trying to desperately understand what to do to please his mate, to prove that he is good alpha – so he kept his neck bared for his mate, since it was only way how it knew to show his complete acceptance of his mate’s feelings.

“Cas what are you doing?” Dean hissed, but it was mixed with worry and quick glances to the hall to see if anyone was looking. Having alpha submitting like this was almost completely unheard of – it was only something alphas did for their mates or close family and it was bound to draw unwanted attention. Luckily the hall seemed to be empty, but they had to be more careful.

“ I don’t know,” Castiel admitted, at least his answer was truthful.

“What do you mean you don’t know, you bared your neck to me in public place – someone could have seen! What were you thinking! If anyone would have seen it- they might have suspected something, damnit, Cas!”

Unfortunately his alpha decided that since their mate was still angry and it still had no idea how to fix things it bared his neck again to Dean and let out low whine ( pushing Castiel back in their mind) , how was it supposed to show his mate that he was listening, when it made them angry? If he didn’t bare his neck how would their mate **_know_** that they were trusting them completely and were trying to please them? The stupid human side kept fighting for control – yelling at him for “putting their mate in more danger and directly disobeying their command of “not baring their neck in public”, but what was he supposed to do? Their mate was upset! They were submitting – it was all there was to do!

He stared at his mate helplessly, trying to figure out what was more important – obeying his human side’s ridiculous commands; or showing him how he could be good alpha. It was difficult to understand the “rules” of his human side, which it insisted on having – so he tried to tune them off. He couldn’t scent his mate and it made it so very difficult to know what he was feeling and the flashing bond of their connection was currently closed to him, leaving him in blind. So he tried to bare his neck more, trusting his mate to see that he was truly apologizing for whatever he had done wrong – surely his mate would tell him what to do then. Everything would be fine if his mate would just say what made them so angry – so he could rip it apart and prove his worthiness.  


He even let his mate slap him repeatedly on his face, he didn’t like it, but if it would make his mate to feel better then he would gladly accept it. Only it wasn’t working! Instead of calming down and pleasing his mate, it only seemed to make him panic. The bond flared open once again, this time giving him full access to the panic his mate was feeling, and overwhelming worry – it was such a silly thing to have, he was here to protect his mate after all – his mate didn’t need to feel so worried. So he surged forward into the bond and tried to make sense of his mate’s storm of feelings.

It took him moment to find source of his panic – his mate was practically screaming for him, which pleased him immensely- at least their mate knew that he would keep him safe, but why was he still screaming in his mind – he was HERE. It made no sense! He was sure he could feel the panic his mate was feeling over “Castiel”, it practically burned to look at and he circled it, trying to understand how to fix it. He could not draw it in like those nightmares- since it was different from his mate’s nightmares – those he could just draw inside himself and give his mate comfort and feeling of safety, by taking the bad things away, showing him, that there was no real danger –he was protecting his mate. Now however he was clueless how to deal with his mate’s inner turmoil. He was here, but his mate didn’t feel safety or comfort- no, not at all! His mate was horribly suffering and having such a strong fear and he couldn’t find the threat!  He whined and poked at their bond, trying to send comfort and pleasing things, and for a moment it seemed to be working, but then his mate closed the bond so forcefully that he was pushed out into his human body, completely helpless and useless again, he whined and tried to chase the mental block, that separated him from his mate – he NEEDED access to his mate, he needed to protect him, but the bond remained closed.

He could feel his body falling to the floor and how his mate’s arms lifted him up again – he would have tried to fight- he was the alpha! He was supposed to take care of his mate, not other way around, but held himself back – there was no need to accidentally harm his mate.  His mate was carrying him now, away from the hallway while calling to him over and over again.

“Cas, please! I know you are in there somewhere! Please come back to me! Just come back, please...”  It made no sense. HE was here, why did his mate keep asking for him? His mate refused to let go of him however, and was carrying on his nonsense about calling to him over and over again, voice thick with worry and fear. If his mate would only open the bond again – he could show him that he was there, but the stupid thing remained shut no matter how furiously he tried to break it down.

His mate relaxed a little once they reached their shared nest, but instead of letting go of him his mate brought him into their special part of the nest ( or “room as his human called it) – the one that smelled faintly of their mate and was filled with soft blankets and pillows. It wasn’t as good as the nest they had built for their mate, but for some reason his human side didn’t consider their nest good enough yet, to be approved by their mate so he didn’t try to show it to his mate just yet.

As stupid as his human side was when it came down to his mate, it did have some weird courting rituals and demands, that he didn’t understand himself. He had pushed his human side to choose only best pillows and blankets, chosen even the colours carefully, and he had made the best massive nest for their mate- but his human side was still deciding to hide it – so there must be more work to done, before it could be approved by their mate - perhaps they need to add few more pillows? Why else was his human side hiding their nest from their mate – surely it was not good enough yet.

“You in there Cas?” Their mate asked, and he eagerly nodded, yes they were here! Finally his mate realized that he was here all along, surely they could calm down now! Instead he got extremely frustrating answer, “ Guess not, ..umm..can you stay here for a while, I need to take care of something?”

Their mate was leaving? He let out low whine, pleading his mate to stay, he was trying SO hard, but the bond was closed, and he had no idea what to do! Would his mate leave him, because he failed as alpha ( yet again)?

It seemed that his mate was able to understand him with much more success than he possessed in return. “I will come right back, please let go of me, I promise I will be back. I’m not leaving you Cas.“

This was not good, but this was acceptable, their mate was going to give them another chance. So he nodded and buried himself deeper into faint scent of their mate’s lair. It didn’t take very long for their mate to return, and once they did, the wonderful smell of mate was back, but was tainted by overwhelming anxiousness and distress. He let out another whimper at such a awful reminder of how they had failed to calm their mate.

“Okay Cas, I want you back, can you do that for me?” Yes, he could, he was trying, if only he would understand what exactly his mate meant.

“Didn’t dare to hope it would be so easy, um...could you do that bond thing with me where you access my feelings?” Alpha wailed again, this time in pain, he was trying! The bond was not complete, he could not break it and they had no control over it. Still he threw himself at the block, where he knew his mate to be, but it was relentless and his efforts were met with only slight idea what was going on with his mate. He could sense that his mate was deeply distressed and afraid; he could sense that he was physically unharmed and alive, but that was it.  Admitting his failure he turned towards his mate again and stared desperately into his eyes, pleading him to understand and begging access to his feelings.

And suddenly the bond exploded between them, hiding nothing from him for the first time. There was still a mess going on in his mate, but now it was accompanied with hard determination. His mate was sending him pictures of...his human body? As confusing as it was his mate was repeating one message over and over again. The mental image of his red eyes fading away into his blue ones- the ones that belonged to his human self and clear demand of “give me Cas back now.”

Oh, his mate wanted his human?  What a weird wish to have, but he tried to let his human side out- he had completely pushed it down in his mind in his sudden need to take better care of his mate. His human side could not be trusted to not upset their mate – apparently he had proven he wasn’t much better suited for this important task. His human had made their mate upset in the first place- so he had taken away the human, good to know that having his human completely removed **_also_** upset their mate – although it was very confusing. It would have been nice to know this beforehand though – he would never have taken full control like that if he had known. He tried to make himself go away, but he couldn’t let go of his instincts, which were demanding to protect Dean.

Finally he concentrated on the smell of their mate and tried to calm himself down, he needed to calm down and go against his instincts in order for his human to come to surface. It was hard- he had to make himself fade away and how was he supposed to do that? Eventually he fell asleep on his mate’s chest, letting the scent of them bring him comfort.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worlding note: 
> 
> In this verse everyone has like two sides in their personality : 1) their rational human side and 2 )their instinctual, more feral mind - which is sort of able to " think on his own sometimes."  
> Normally it doesn't affect the humans that much, but in some cases one side tries to dominate over the other and this throws the person out of a balance and they may struggle between their "animal mind and their human part".  
> Usually it is rare and temporary ( lost in rut, blinded by anger, while being in danger - the animal kicks out) , or too subtle to make everyday's life tasks harder - but in some cases when one side starts to dominate, fight for the control - it may need care like any psychiatric illness.  
> In rare cases- it is possible that one side takes over completely and permanently - person going feral or going full mute - leaving them only shell of their normal self.


	19. Pies and the Burgers

Cas’s head was growing really heavy on his chest and his slight stubble was making his skin itchy, but he didn’t have the strength to push the alpha away. He couldn’t – not with his friend being so vulnerable and peaceful right now. Besides, Dean was really enjoying the intimacy between them way too much for his liking, not that he was ever going to admit it out loud. It was just the way that Cas fit against him, his lean body wrapped so protectively around Dean and warmth of his body making it really difficult to Dean to even want to put any distance between them.

Dean had no idea what the hell had happened. One minute they were just talking in the hallway and then he was confessing how he almost used Anna, to get even with Cas (or to get closer to Cas), and then Cas right out gave him green light to ask Anna out! Hadn’t Dean been clear that he was NOT interested? Had Cas forgotten that HE was supposed to be his mate? Had Cas completely overlooked the fact that even if Dean might have been interested as alpha (which he was not), there was no way he would want to date Castiel’s sister- his **_mate’s_** sister. The very thought had made his stomach turn and his inner animal wild with fury – how did Cas even dare to suggest something like that! Dean was not going to cheat on his mate- he might not be comfortable to actually **_being_** his mate, but he was loyal to the fault – there was no way he was going to go out with anyone who wasn’t Cas until this whole thing would be sorted out- which was likely going to be never.

 It had also awakened something else in him, something foreign , but there was part of him that was just SO mad at Cas, part of him that was so possessive that even the mere thought that Cas might not want him was driving him mad. Why else and how could he even have suggested seeing other people? Did he hope that Dean could be happy with someone else and so he could get rid of their unwanted mating? That if Dean found another mate Cas could get rid of his burden?  He didn’t think so, but this idea absolutely terrified him, which was stupid – Cas couldn’t take another mate even if he wanted- he was **_claimed_** alpha (dark thought that satisfied him way too much). It should have been horrible, terrible reminder, that he had ruined Cas’s opportunities to even date others, but all he could feel was deep gratification, knowing that Cas was **_his_** and nothing could change that.

And then Cas had fucking bared his neck to him! This had been completely unexpected; alphas...alphas just did not DO that, it went against every instinct they had. Even during his worst fights with John he had never bared his neck in submission – ever. It just wasn’t done – he had only seen it once during his life, he was too little to remember much, but there had been this huge fight between mom and dad once, mom had been so angry that he threw dad out. Dean never knew what they were fighting over, but dad had showed up every day for week apologizing and bringing gifts, but mom absolutely refused them all – it took John two weeks, but then he just bared his neck to Mary and mom forgave him. Dean remembered this, since he knew how much dad had loved Mary – how much he still loved her, but yet it had taken him two weeks to show submission.

Yet Cas had bared his neck to him on the first sight of Dean’s disapproval – sure way to get unwanted attention from other students as well as teachers. There was nothing that could make alpha willingly submit to another alpha- especially not something as minor as “disproval from their roommate”. Not only had Cas endangered their whole cover story – if Cas openly submitted to him in public, it would make it extremely questionable why they still had “the bet” going on to “satisfy their alpha rivalry” and why Dean had not demanded him to leave the apartment – alphas were territorial like that – they did not willingly share room with others. If anyone would have seen them – Cas submitting to Dean the whole lie would have been over – no one would believe they had any sort of rivalry left in them or that there wasn’t something wrong with their behaviour.

Luckily the hall had been empty and Dean had been stupid enough to somehow make matters worse. It seemed that the more he tried to call Cas out on his idiocy , reminding him that he could not just bare his neck like that– the worse it got – until Cas went fucking feral on him.

It had been awful to see how Cas alpha took over and had no idea what was happening. Dean should have been afraid, no one went anywhere near feral person, not to mention feral alpha, but Cas hadn’t seemed dangerous. It was also weird- there wasn’t any danger in hallway, nothing that should have made Cas act like this, so Dean panicked. Alphas just didn’t go out and lost their minds to their animals like that- something had to trigger this, normally it only happened in extreme situations, or in rut ( though it was rare), or when they were protecting their mates – but none of those situations had occurred. There hadn’t been anything dangerous going on, Cas wasn’t in rut, and he certainly could not have been **_protecting_** Dean  - protecting him from WHAT?  There wasn’t even something going on to make him react like that!

It had immediately filled Dean with unexplainable dread- something must be wrong with Cas, there was no other explanation. Cas also didn’t act like alpha at all; except his fierce desire to keep Dean close and to “protect him”. No alpha submitted like that- and to think that **_feral_** alpha would to that- it was even more impossible than someone willingly pushing down their alpha instincts to submit. Ferals were all instincts; feral alpha should have forced Dean into submission once cornered with disapproval not whine like kicked puppy. That was another thing- feral alpha should have attacked, started fight or just done something – instead of all that Cas had just tilted his head and looked Dean with pleading puppy eyes that were even more powerful than Sammy’s. He had let Dean close without any hesitation, even when he couldn’t smell mate on him and had allowed to be carried all the way back to their room. Yes, something was wrong with Cas indeed – and if something was wrong with Cas it was enough to terrify shit out of Dean.

Cas was not responding to his calls. He had begged Cas to answer, but his pleas were met with crimson red eyes of his alpha. No sign of his blue-eyed friend or even hint that he was listening. What if Cas had gone feral for good? That would be end of both of them – Dean could not make it without Cas, and he would never forgive himself if he was even remotely involved with losing Cas to his inner animal.  He could not lose Cas, not like this, but there was nothing he could do, no one to turn to help for. So he had just washed his blockers off, hoping it will help to bring Cas back, being surrounded with the scent of mate.  He had no idea if it was working, but Cas had calmed down and was now steadily breathing against his chest.

He stubbornly tried to avoid thinking about what might happen, if Cas would still be gone once he woke. What if he was still feral? Dean had no idea how to act around feral –and asking for help was out of question. Somehow he just **_knew_** that Cas would never harm him even in this feral form – the feeling was only confirmed by how Cas had just let him have his way with him – showing no resistance and submitting to Dean. But would he be so indulgent with others? Would it help to ask Anna privately for help or would it somehow only trigger bad memories, since they had been discussing her before Cas flipped. Dean didn’t know and honestly he had no desire to take the risk.

He didn’t sleep whole night, watching over Cas instead taking the opportunity to observe him better. There was so much about Cas that he had never noticed before – how his hair was dark brown, not black like he had often thought for some reason, how his lips were chipped, how peaceful and innocent he looked while he was sleeping using Dean as glorified pillow.

Cas really needed to rest anyway – Dean knew that Cas had been struggling with sleep for weeks and if this was the one thing Dean could to for him – he would gladly let Cas sleep on him every damn night. Besides it was kind of nice for him as well, he actually liked sharing bed with Cas in this completely platonic way – just sharing a bed and offering comfort. It would be even better if Cas’s blockers would wear off- so far Dean was still unable to get whiff of his scent, which didn’t help his anxiousness one bit. If he could only smell Cas it would perhaps give him some insight on how to bring him back.

It turned out that there was no need to worry as Cas finally let out sleepy groan and opened his eyes- glorious azure blue, thank fuck!

“Welcome to the land of the living!” Dean smiled down at him; Cas was adorable like this, reminding him of grumpy cat who got rudely awakened by their owner. Instead of answering Cas let out another grunt, and buried his face deeper into Dean’s chest and then froze. Very slowly he turned to look at Dean with sheepish expression on his face and head tilted in confusion.

“I am so sorry”. He rasped, voice like sandpaper and gravel.

Dean rose is eyebrow questioningly. “What for?” Dean was genuinely interested what Cas considered his “fault” in recent events. It wasn’t like they had serious fight, or that Cas could have avoided going feral.

It was almost comical how Castiel’s eyes widened in surprise and he stumbled with unintelligible words, before finally shrugging and looking away. He was clearly uncomfortable and as much as Dean wanted to satisfy his own curiosity, perhaps now was not the best time. Cas was obviously not ready to talk and Dean sucked at talking, so they might as well just act like nothing happened.

“How would you feel about going out and getting some burgers?” He offered instead hoping to relive tension a bit. He had no idea what to do so they might as well go out and eat. Dean didn’t have morning classes and even if Cas did, Dean doubted he was in any shape to attend them.

If Castiel was surprised he didn’t show it. “I love burgers. These will make me very happy.”

“Great, then let’s get changed, I know the place.” It wouldn’t be as good as Roadhouse, but unfortunately they didn’t have time to travel 5 hours to get their mean cheeseburgers from Ellen. Instead they would have to settle with small local place which made third best burgers Dean had ever tasted (after his own and Ellen’s of course).

He was excited to go out after hiding himself in their apartment for so long. For once he didn’t have to worry about someone discovering his secret and if some asshole would start picking fight with him, besides - he will have Cas right beside him. He completely trusted Cas to keep him safe, even though he knew that this was most likely completely unnecessary seeing as it was still ass-o-clock in the morning and hardly anyone would be awake at this ungodly hour.

They both took quick shower and Dean took extra care on applying his blockers, before heading out. He was almost out of the door when he realized, that Cas was not behind him. He turned around and was met with Cas frantically searching for something from their hallway closet. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t find my car keys,” Castiel complained while throwing different clothing items to the floor. “I don’t remember where I put them.”

“You won’t need them, we are taking my baby – and you better treat her with all the respect she deserves.” If Cas would not like his baby – this would be it. If he was ever going to see Cas as mate, it was crucial that he would know how precious his baby was.

 Turns out that there were no complications, Cas openly admired his car and patted her lovingly, “It is truly beautiful car Dean, it is clear that she has been well loved.”

Dean beamed, of course his baby was taken care of; she was lady after all. She was bit too old to run as smoothly without all the extra hours Dean put into keeping her running. It was one of the perks of working at garage – free manual labour, although he still had to cover the parts. While he had been working for Bobby over summers he had gotten great discounts and sometimes could find free parts from his junkyard. Unfortunately Bobby lived too far, and his current employer was total ass.  Dude was shady as fuck, but it had been the only available job opening willing to hire him, so Dean couldn’t be picky, he needed the money.

The drive was quiet, both of them too sleepy to start conversation without their morning coffee and slight awkwardness had still not faded between them.

Dean considered how he could ask about incident without accidentally triggering Cas’s feral side again or making him too uncomfortable and Cas seemed to be too embarrassed and unsure if they should even discuss it. But they **_needed_** to talk, if something was up with Cas then it put both of them in danger and Dean needed to be aware of it. If there was any danger that Cas could actually go feral or start having more feral episodes- it would draw attention. 

He would be forced to inform school authorities and he would be most likely given new room – condemned too dangerous to be around others. Ferals were dangerous and there was no way that school would just let him stay unobserved. Usually they were kept under complete separation allowed to see only closest family members – if even that. It was doubtful that Cas would be allowed to stay in his classes or that he would not be forced into feral institute if he would get too many episodes– “for his own good”.

 They needed to avoid that at all costs and Dean couldn’t tolerate the idea that his Cas, this innocent puppy alpha would be locked away with most ferocious beasts, who were more animals than humans. Cas was not some vicious creature with only purpose to attack everyone. Yes, he had gone feral, but he had turned into kicked and remorseful puppy who submitted to others and apparently liked to cuddle, instead of turning against others  and tearing their throats out– they had no business with Cas, and Dean was not going to let them take him no matter what society thought of ferals.

They finally reached the crappy looking bar and Dean almost laughed at Cas’s distrustful expression as he checked the place over. No doubt he had never been in simple diner like that, most likely he had only ever visited 5 star restaurants and had best chefs at home.

“This looks ...charming.”  He finally concluded tasting the word in his mouth.

“No need to be so polite Cas, the place looks like crap and insides does not look much better, but it is clean and they do make amazing food, trust me.” He winked and stepped out of the car.

He laughed at Castiel’s relieved expression and lead them into the dimly lit bar, where lone bartender was whipping the scratched wooden bar.

“Grand bacon cheeseburger with extra onions and fries on the side - also black coffee.”

“Anything else?”

Dean chewed on his lip, he really would like to have nice slice of warm pie, he could smell the freshly baked apple pie deliciousness, but since he had not been working during the break his budget was running low. He hesitated, it was completely unfair to make such huge decisions so early in the morning – how was man supposed to choose between money or pie?

“Not at the moment, I will let you know if I reconsider,” he admitted regretfully before turning around to look for best available table. There weren’t many – place was mostly empty but there was group of drunken alphas in one corner and some sleepy truckers eating their breakfast in the middle. He chose the small empty booth near the window.

The burgers were delicious at least, and the moan Cas let out once he had taken the first bite was enough to make Dean’s dick twitch with interest. If he had known that Cas would make such pornographic noises while eating he might have thought twice before going out together. The last thing he needed was getting slick thanks to Cas making most beautiful moans, that should have been forbidden in public.

True to his word Cas really did love burgers. He ended up ordering four extra burgers, his inability to evaluate his appetite failing him again – so he could finish off only two of them and thus leaving too extra burgers for Dean, much to his pleasure.

Once they were nearly finished with their burgers a brunette waitress walked upon them and asked if there was something else they would like, making big show of flirting with Cas and Dean immediately disliked her. They were here for food not for some busty bimbo, who clearly did not understand that Cas had no idea that he was being flirted with.

Cas had opened his menu to check if there was anything he would like and had asked for suggestions, and the girl took opportunity to bow low enough to reveal his cleavage to Cas and flashed her most charming smile, which was way too unnatural in Dean’s option. It was almost funny how Cas flinched as waitress touched his shoulder and pointed out their daily specials ** _, almost funny_** – since Dean had to fight back the urge to rip the waitress of Cas.

“We have excellent choice in freshly baked cakes and today’s is cherry special. There is also vanilla cream chocolate, and if you don’t like any of those, I’m sure I could convince the chef to make you something extra.” She winked at him and Dean had to mask his growl into poorly faked coughing.

“No need to trouble your chef into making something extra for me, I’ll be perfectly fine with something on the menu.” Cas said while not even bothering to look at the waitress.

“I would strongly recommend cake then – it is like ultimate dessert and everyone loves cake!”

This was too much, Dean could take her obvious flirting with Cas (no - not really), but to hear yet another speech on topic on how cakes were better than pie? Not on his watch! Now was time to protect the honour of the pie and sacrifice his last money into making point of ordering the best dessert ever.

“We should take a pie then Cas, this place makes them great and cakes are too sweet anyway. Never underestimate the pie – they are much better than those fancy ass cakes.”

He smirked as waitress casted him dirty look, displeased that her suggestion was thrown back to her face. Not everyone likes cake – duh. His mood only improved when Cas asked,

 “Which pie should we get then?”

It certainly didn’t escape waitress notice that Cas referred to them as “we”, her smile turning sour and distasteful look covering her face for a moment. Dean could not help his smirk as he suggested apple or cherry pie as those were the best, earning another glare from waitress who tried to suggest some fancy tiramisu one. Cas ended up ordering two of both again overestimating his ability to eat and so they shared, which was especially enjoyable for Dean since waitress was giving them sour looks behind the bar. If he put on a show to make her jealous and acted overly friendly with Cas- even flirting a bit - then no one had to know. He succeeded to make Cas smile and it felt good to see him so careless and happy.

Dean didn’t want to ruin their day by starting the “talk” about Cas going feral – he didn’t even know if it would ever happen again – Cas seemed so normal, so human, without the slightest hints of his alpha waiting to take over again – he even remained calm when group of alphas in the bar cast them curious glances- only holding their gaze steadily until alphas couldn’t meet his stare anymore, winning the battle of dominance without showing any sign of weakness or overreaction. The talk could probably wait, what if it would not help them, but would trigger new episode instead? It is better to wait, Dean decided - he will just have to observe Cas much more carefully and possibly – he can’t believe he is even considering doing this- he will have to do some research about feral alphas – just to know what to look out for and what could trigger it. He groaned mentally – normally he would let Sam do shit like that, but he couldn’t ask his brother – besides it was Dean’s own interest to look out for Cas – for both of their sakes.

They ended their meals without talking and left, it didn’t occur to Dean until much later, that he had not paid for his meal at all. Even for the first burger- he had went to the table and left the bill open until he had decided if he would order some pie, but then Cas had ordered too much for himself- and Dean had taken his untouched remains. (No need to feel bad about that, not his problem, that Cas had problems with ordering right amount of anything.) He should actually consider himself lucky that Cas had serious problems with getting too much food- this way Dean didn’t feel too bad about getting free meals and saving lots of money – what was the point to let it all go to waste? Still he took a note to pay Cas back for his first burger – this one was totally on him and not thanks due Castiel inability to estimate right amounts of food – Dean Winchester did not need charity – and he will pay his debts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has left comments and kodos - you are the reason I have managed to return to this story over so long - refusing to give up on it. Comments and kudos mean the world to me - so I want to thank everyone who has left some.


	20. Shadows of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not going to update today...but since it is 18th of September- I sort of had to...  
> Happy Destiel day!

Castiel was having marvellous day, he got to go out with Dean and spend most wonderful morning with him, school to be damned. Sure, he missed one important class, but it wasn’t like he was left much behind. He would much more prefer to spend his day with Dean rather than force himself into early morning class with other students. His alpha seemed to agree with him as it laid contentedly at the edges of his mind, very pleased with itself and how well things were going. They had successfully managed to feed their mate and had redeemed themselves from yesterday’s mistakes, it was still very cautious though, but didn’t show any interest in taking over again – thank god.

He was still bit disorientated from day before. It had terrified him – he had only vague memory of everything that had happened, he had lost all self-control and gone fully feral. What if he would have harmed someone? The only bright side was that Dean had apparently forgiven him and didn’t seem mad about whatever had angered him at first. He had no idea what had happened and why his alpha had decided to take over, but it seemed to have worked as situation seemed to be fixed- he was grateful that Dean did not mention it though, it was embarrassing and he had no answers to give him – especially since he had little to no idea what had happened himself.

They made it back to the dormitory early noon since they had stopped at the grocery store - another win for him and his alpha. Dean got to choose what they were buying - since they had agreement (which Dean had demanded, but was totally unnecessary in Castiel’s option) that he got to cook since Castiel was already paying for it. Castiel wouldn’t have minded cooking for them, but this way he learned more about Dean’s preferences and if it helped Dean to feel better about their agreement then he was more than happy to oblige.

Still it was so much better to have Dean in store with him – the last weeks Dean had written a list and Castiel had been the one to get all the items, but now he got to pay attention to all the things Dean was looking for ( even if he wasn’t putting them into cart.) If Dean looked something for prolonged time period (pies, bacon, etc) Castiel tried to suggest buying it, so Dean would not have to ask for the things he so obviously wanted. The alpha in him felt overwhelming victory every time Dean accepted the offer and indignation if his offerings were refused.

Dean also tried to argue every time Castiel chose organic ingredients, complaining about Castiel making unnecessary outgoings, but it was easy enough to win the argument saying that he was also going to eat this food and he preferred it this way. He could hear Dean mumbling about “rich spoiled brats” under his breath, but he didn’t try to dispute further.

Dean also threw back at least half of the purchases, claiming that they didn’t need this much. It made the alpha in him unsure, on one hand he needed to please Dean and on the other it desperately wanted to show Dean how good provider it could be, but eventually let Dean get his way – he could always come back for more if necessary.

Since they both had skipped their classes they had few more hours until lunchtime so Castiel finished his English assignment while Dean was watching some soap opera about some doctor. By lunch Dean put together wonderful meal for both of them and asked if Cas would like to join him for Lord of The Ring’s marathon. He seemed almost insulted by the way that Castiel had never seen the movies and didn’t seem to care about the fact that he had read the books. This is how Castiel ended up with Dean on the couch and enjoying the movie – there were many differences between the books and movie, but he had to admit that it was quite well made despite the differences. By the time they were in middle of the Two Towers, they had unconsciously moved against each other, so their limbs were constantly touching – Castiel wasn’t sure if it was appropriate or he was invading Dean’s personal space, deciding to enjoy the closeness as much as he could. If Dean found it uncomfortable- surely he would say something?

However it was much harder to pay his full attention to the movie as Dean leaned back and threw his arm around his shoulders. Every fibber in Castiel’s body wanted to lean against Dean or get even closer, but he did not dare to move in case it would scare Dean off. Dean didn’t seem to have any problem with their proximity however as the hand remained in its place until it found its way to Castiel’s hair.

Without his permission Castiel leaned into the touch, enjoying the way Dean’s fingers played with his mop of hair – it was best feeling in the world, having someone gently massaging his head, he let out sigh, “ I never knew this could be so enjoyable,” the words were out without thinking and as suddenly as it started it was over. Immediately the hand was removed from his hair and pulled back leaving cold distance between them. Castiel swore- did he have to ruin the moment, why couldn’t he just keep quiet – was Dean angry?

Dean was looking like dear caught in headlights, looking incredibly at his hand like he was seeing it first time in his life and blushing furiously. “I didn’t...I’m sorry Cas, I don’t remember how it got there.” Dean bit his lip and added, “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Shame, it was such an exquisite feeling to have his hair played with, “It is all right Dean, I don’t mind if it does. Is in uncommon for friends to pet each other’s hair?”

The shadow passed over Dean’s face, but was gone before Castiel could be sure what he saw. Dean fidgeted on his place and considered, “Not really, unless you are girl I guess. Jo always tries to pull my hair- but she usually does it to annoy the shit out of me.”

Castiel frowned, “I fail to see how this could be annoying, It feels amazing.”

Dean’s jaw dropped, “You have never had someone pull your hair?”

Castiel shook his head - no, there was no incident where he could remember happening so.

“I don’t think so?” he asked,” I never had the occasion of being quite so close with anyone, I never have had a close friend, not someone who would be familiar enough to wish to “annoy” me or close enough to share comfort.”

“What do you mean you never had close friend?” Dean questioned him incredulously.

Castiel sighed, it wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to have friends, quite the opposite, but he had never fit in, or he didn’t even get opportunity to try thanks to his family – one way or another.

“I never found anyone who wanted to be my friend – I got along with most people, but they generally considered me weird so they tended to avoid me. Some of them were intimidated away by my family; others wanted to befriend me only **_because_** of my family or were chosen for me by my family. I never got close enough to anyone so they would choose to befriend me for **_me_**.”

It had always been about his family somehow– their acquaintances trying to get close to him or other Novaks, hoping to form strong bonds to future business alliances. Some looking for power, money – whatever Novak name could provide.

“I am not very good with people, and if it weren’t for my family name I would have gotten bullied in elementary school – luckily it never got that far. I spent almost half of my school time being home schooled and then there were always people trying to get close to me – for wrong reasons. “He really didn’t want to get into the later topic– the memories still stung as he was reminded other reasons why it was not wise to make new friends outside the family. He had made the terrible mistake and put his family in danger only because he had believed in his friend Bartholomew. He gulped, wishing to get the sour taste out of his mouth.

“There were other reasons why my family sometimes advised me to not make outside friends.” As much as he hated that his family had any influence over his contacts he had to admit that they had reason to be concerned, when he made a “friend”.

“Such as?” Dean frowned, “Don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think your family should get any say in your friends. Did they try to get you into drugs or something? – Then I understand why they could be worried, but disapproving of you making friends – that is insane!”

“They did not disapprove of everyone Dean, just the ones whose background check was not to their liking – or if my friends tried to get too much control over me.” Which happened more than Castiel would like to admit.

“Background check? What the fuck, Cas – does your family run background check about everyone or just your acquaintances?” For a moment Dean seemed horrified, “Will they check on me? What if they discover our secret, what if they disapprove? – could they disown you or something like that? “

It hadn’t even occurred to Castiel, that his family might be interested in Dean’s background. If anyone would discover the closeness of their bond – there would be uncomfortable questions of course. Why had he hidden Dean from them? Why did he not announce formally that he had found a mate? Why was Dean’s scent hidden? If they found out about Dean – they were very likely to dig up his past- and discover he was an alpha. That he could live with – while uncommon, it was not forbidden to have another alpha as mate – but what if they would find out about Dean’s accident. How could Castiel explain that he had failed to protect his mate from worst thing that was ever likely to happen to Dean?

“I won’t let it come to that”, he gritted through his teeth. He will never fail to protect Dean again – especially from his family curiosity.

“I take it as “yes” then. What will they do if they find out about us?” Although Dean tried to keep neural face Castiel could tell that he was seriously afraid of his family.

“It will not come down to that- I promise I will do my best to avoid that.” He desperately wished he could keep his word. Somehow he would find a way, at least he could try to convince himself.

“I don’t think they will do anything about you precisely– but they will ask questions about us we are not willing to answer. They are likely to question our friendship and if they ever would find out about me having your claim – they will definitely try to learn as much as possible about you – find out if you are safe to be around with. The biggest threat is them discovering about your gender and why is it secret – and they will dig up enough to know you were an alpha before – thus creating the danger of you being outed. Most of my family will eventually accept you, but there are few who will try to scare you away.”

Dean nodded, slowly accepting this information, before he let out nervous laugh.

“I kind of get why you don’t have friends now – no one would want to put up with such a crazy family.”

The words stung more than Castiel would have cared to admit, it came off as if he had some horrible cult for a family – which wasn’t true. Sure some of them were snobby and boring, others bit cold and controlling – but they also cared deeply about each other and watched out for family well being and they were generally nice people. They sometimes HAD to be overprotective and controlling even if it was intruding and uncomfortable, but there were certain necessary precautions to be made. Sometimes people tried to get close only to use them – even going so far than making serious threats against the family – another horrible memory from childhood he wished he never had.

“If you say so,” It hurt to remember that Dean would have most likely avoided him too at all costs if he weren’t tied to Castiel by series of misfortunate events.

Dean seemed to catch up with his sour mood, since he immediately turned apologetic, “Shit man, I did not mean it like...well...I um, I really do want to be your friend, crazy family or not.”

The words were enough to put smile on Castiel’s face and string of hope blooming to his chest.  “It is alright Dean, I know it can be much to handle sometimes, but my family is really not that bad- we just need to be more careful sometimes – especially with people we let to get close.”

Dean was taken aback by the statement, “What do you mean by that? Couldn’t you just let everyone mind their own business – give each other more freedom?”

Castiel smiled, “We do – we are completely free to make friends even if our family doesn’t approve. However it is in our interest to be sure that those “friends” do have good intentions not just people who hope to get close to us.” He sighed, better to just get it out he decided.

 “There have been several occasions where background check did save members of my family –even me.”

Dean made surprised squeak, but did not interrupt as Castiel continued.

“It was my sophomore year in high school, when I was befriended by guy, Bartholomew. He was an alpha like me, strong and quite charming – at least in the beginning. While he did not try to get me into the drugs – like you feared, he was quite adamant on getting me to the parties and occasionally tried to initiate sexual contact between us – especially when I was under influence of alcohol.” He shuddered at the memory, he still couldn’t believe he had been so stupid – he should have been suspicious of anyone who had shown interest in befriending him – in his experience he never made friends- why he had believed this to be different? Oh right, he had been that desperate- that’s why.

“I already told you I had almost no friends- so I was very excited to get opportunity to make friends. I was willing to go to the parties, even if I didn’t enjoy them. There was this huge party at his friend’s house – and he insisted that I would come – without having any reason to be suspicious I agreed. We made it to the party, which was mostly made up by his older alpha friends and I had no other acquaintances there. He got me drunk – embarrassingly easily I might add – and then he took me to the room upstairs – suggesting I didn’t look good and had to rest. I did feel sick, I suspect my drink had been spiked, but it didn’t bother me that much – I was too out of it. It wasn’t until group of alphas grabbed me and forced me face down on the matters, before I started to realize what was happening...,” he swallowed, it had been few years ago, but memories still hurt and it was first time he was willing to discuss the incident with anyone. He had not realized that there were tears in his eyes, when he felt tender touch on his check.

“Shh, Cas. You don’t have to talk about it. Shit, I am so sorry! I had no idea- I mean you are like most bad-ass alpha ever – I never even considered that **_alphas_** were targeted for...that.” There was moisture on Dean’s eyes and he was hugging Cas now, clinging to him desperately and whispering soothing words to his ear, waiting for Cas to continue or end the topic- whichever he was comfortable with. It took awhile for Cas to go on voice barely above whisper.

“They did not rape me, though they came close. They managed to rip away most of my clothing before I heard one of them mentioning forcefully mating me – that’s when I started to truly fight back- turns out that the drug they used on me would have made me possibly receptive to forced mating as alphas normally are unlikely to accept the forced claim – our bodies simply tend to reject it, but the drug they infused me with, would have given a small chance of it actually happening - though the chances of it working were slim –still they were willing to try. They were hoping that if one of them managed to claim me – they could get access to my money and power of my family through mating. They were counting on the fact that they could get away with it seeing as the Novak family was not likely to announce the incident in fear of admitting such weakness to the public – in the fear of similar thing happening again; they were so sure that we would have hidden me away in shame if one of them would have managed to claim me – giving them what they wanted or risking blackmailing. “

He was disrupted by ferocious snarl from Dean, and other’s man grip on him tightened. Castiel was not sure if he was shaking or was it Dean – or perhaps both of them, but Dean was breathing heavily and kept fisting his hands as if expecting to fight. He was met with burning jade green eyes when Dean rasped, “What happened then, Cas?”

 His voice was hoarse and sounded like it was on verge of breaking, but he forced himself to talk, “This was the first time I discovered that I might be stronger than an average alpha. I let my rage take over and I simply attacked them. I spare you the glory of the fight itself, as I don’t remember most of it – but it is enough to say that I defeated all 17 of them in mere minutes, leaving most of them unconscious or severely injured, I left Bartholomew for last. I’m not proud to say that after I was done with him he needed several surgeries, but he surprisingly he made it out alive – that is a small relief – I would not like to be murderer.”

“He would have deserved it.” Dean growled.  It was unsettling how someone as good as Dean could even wish something as horrible on another human , but then he was reminded of Alastair and was bound to agree- some people just DID deserve all the bad things happening to them – but he would much rather let fate punish them – not taking matters to his own hands.

“Perhaps, but I still felt horrible – it was quite the shock for everyone that I had managed to do that much damage against 17 strong alphas, while being under influence, this was how we found out that I was more than just a normal alpha – meeting the conditions of being classified as “alpha-alpha”. My family managed to keep it quiet though –as I said it was not in our interest to let everyone know that one of the Novak alphas would have been almost forcefully mated and abused by group of my so called “friends”.

“They also couldn’t press charges against me since legally an alpha is allowed to protect themselves from any danger– and they didn’t want to face attempted gang rape plus forced mating charges – it also was also shameful for them – getting beaten by younger drunken alpha even if numbers were in greatly in their favour. Most of them were from well known families and didn’t want to show such shame – so they let it go. None of them pressed charges against me – knowing too well that they would have most likely lost in court anyway.

But ever since we have been extremely careful to do basic research about our workers, friends and all acquaintances – to our horror we discovered six more threat plans against our family as whole – kidnapping, blackmails, plans to steal from us, plans to get Novak as mate for money and power. So this is why we are sometimes extremely careful and why it is recommended to do some basic research about our new associates. It is nothing personal – we just need to keep us safe.“

„I understand Cas,“ Dean was quiet for minute before offering,“ If you are afraid- you can make whole background thing for me- I will not mind...uh, in case you are worried about me being like one of those assholes.“

Castiel was honestly surprised that Dean would offer such thing, even when he had no doubts about Dean’s plans – Dean was nothing like Bart had been, still he couldn’t help teasing,

“I already did – I must say you had wild teenage years.”

He couldn’t help but laugh at Dean’s shocked expression, “Just kidding, I did not snoop in your past,” he considered the offer for a moment, before adding, “But I would actually like to learn more about you – everything you are willing to share.”

“There is nothing interesting about my past.” Dean shrugged, clearly uncomfortable.

Castiel doubted that, in fact he wanted to learn all there was to learn about Dean – he wanted to know his favourite books, his hobbies, his family, where his nightmares came from – since he started taking Dean’s nightmares to himself he had learned enough about them to know that some of them had actually happened, though he had no idea who was the female burning in the house. He couldn’t ask though – Dean might not want to share and Castiel could not reveal that he was aware of those nightmares- then he would have to confess that he was taking them from Dean and he was pretty sure Dean would not like that. Not that Castiel could stop even if he would want to; he had no control over this.

“I’m sure it is not true,” he said kindly, hoping that Dean would open up just a little bit, every piece of information was precious gift – little things that built friendship and could bring them closer.

“No mom, just my dad and my brother- both alphas. Sammy is so smart and good- he is everything to me – and I miss him more than I want to admit. The kid is going to places – and he just got his first girlfriend,” Dean was smiling softly as he talked on and on about his brother. Castiel probably learned more about Sammy than Dean himself, but it was amazing to see how deeply Dean cared for him. From what he gathered Dean was more father-figure to his brother than their father. It was also clear that Dean missed his mom greatly, but he didn’t mention what happened to her. Dean was also careful while discussing his father- whom he greatly admired, but at the same time it seemed to be afraid of. The man seemed very traditional and was often absent, leaving Dean to take care of family – act which Castiel immensely disapproved of.

“It is not like he doesn’t care...he does, he just has never been the same since mom...” Dean explained and then abruptly stopped like he was about to say something forbidden.

Dean remains quiet after that, humming some melody and leaning against Castiel. Very carefully Castiel threaded his fingers to his short hair – like Dean had done before, hoping to offer some comfort. Dean’s eyes widened in surprise, but he didn’t pull away from his hesitant touch, letting Castiel’s fingers continue to explore instead. They stayed like that for a while, until Dean’s phone peeped and Dean swore.

“Damn, I really don’t want to go to work right now.” he complained.

“Then don’t,” if it were up to Castiel Dean wouldn’t have to work at all – especially if he didn’t enjoy it, but it was not his place to say so. He knew Dean would not accept his money – so he didn’t offer.

“I don’t have much choice,” Dean grunted as he went to his bedroom to change, “not all of us are born into money.”

It was true – and so unfair. It wasn’t Castiel’s fault that his family was extremely rich – they just were. Was he supposed to feel guilty about it? It seemed so – since he DID feel bad about Dean having to work his ass off to earn money, while Castiel could just live for the rest of his life from his inheritance in luxury – it was unfair. While Castiel wanted to share is wealth with Dean – he had to respect that Dean did not want his help, perhaps one day – he could hope to share his fortune with Dean.

“Fuck, I’m going to be late, the old creep will take it of my payment- no doubt even if I stay late to make up for it.” Dean said as he hurriedly switched into ripped jeans and worn t-shirt.

Castiel frowned, it seemed like Dean did not have best work environment, though he said that he liked the work itself.

“Have you considered working somewhere else – for someone who you can actually get along with?” Surely there were more job openings than shitty garage ( Dean’s words, not his).

“Not until I have graduated- most places want job references and they don’t give crap if you are actually really good with your job. My uncle Bobby tried to get me better place- but some firms were concerned about my age- saying that I couldn’t be working for Bobby as long as he claimed I was – since I had to be 12 since I started- which sucks, since I actually WAS fucking 12.”

Before Castiel could ask anything else he was suddenly face-to face with Dean, and let out surprised gasp as Dean showed his face to Dean’s jugular without any warning.  “Please say that my scent is covered, I don’t have time to mess with this shit.”

Understanding Castiel dig his face deeper against Dean’s neck trying to find even slightest fragments of his smell – finding none he pulled back. “You are good to go.” suddenly he hesitated, “Are you sure you will be fine with your scent covered for work? Wouldn’t it put you into trouble?”

Dean shrugged, “Maybe, but not as much as risking to reveal my true scent – and fake alpha musk could easily wear off during manual labour. I still have our shitty cover about bet and I can also say that it helps to not scare away some clients, who are intimidated by my strong musky scent – this has actually happen before, so it wouldn’t be that far from the truth.” Satisfied with scent control Dean waved to him and left, “See you later, Cas!”

Castiel sighed, unsure how to spend his time now that he was alone. He had actually managed to finish all of his appointments and he didn’t have anything he could be working on. He was too anxious about letting Dean out of his sight, which made it impossible to read or enjoy the movie- or do anything productive, really. It was the first time Dean left apartment ALONE while wearing the blockers and Castiel couldn’t shake restless uneasiness in his chest. Knowing that Dean referred to his boss as “old creep” didn’t exactly help him calm either- perhaps he could ask Dean’s permission and run a basic background research for the man.

Coming to think about their situation, there were actually many preparations or adjustments he should make, to protect Dean better. He spent the next 3 hours making lists, writing emails and filling in necessary data for several Novak industries ( banks, offices, some advisors), and finally settled for option of making another credit card for his own account, with Dean’s name on it. He had to make several calls for non-family member managers, to accomplish that Dean’s name was encrypted in computer system so no one would actually know the name on the card (he really wished to avoid questions why he was giving full access to his account to someone called Dean Winchester), which had all same rights as his own card- unlimited credit and access to his money without any limits– which was enough to last several lifetimes.

It took him most of his evening – making sure that there were no tracks, being extra careful that no one notified his family members about his unusual behaviour, but finally he was promised the card for next week. He knew that Dean was likely to not accept it – but Castiel needed him to have one – for emergencies at least. What if something happened to Dean and Castiel was not there to take care of it.

What if something happened to Dean – which could be easily solved with cash – it was sad how many problems actually COULD be solved with money – despite the well known “money can’t buy you happiness” everyone were often talking about. Sure, it didn’t buy you happiness – but it certainly made it easier to avoid certain problems. Let’s be honest- would someone really be “happy” if they had no idea if they could pay bills at the end of the month, if they had enough money to buy food and clothing? True- they may had amazing relationships, loving friends and caring family – but most often the biggest distress was “supporting family, not making enough, working too late and not having time to make it to family events- having no time for closest people since they couldn’t just afford it. So yeah, while money wasn’t the cause of happiness, it actually made things easier. And it was easy to spare Dean from the worst if Dean would only let him.

By the time he was finished- Dean still hadn’t returned, and he was truly starting to panic. He knew that Dean was alive – the one-sided bond could tell him that much, but he was still far away. The further the distance between him and Dean the more he could feel the stretch of the bond. It was like every cell in his body was pulling him like rubber band back to Dean. Castiel wondered if it would actually start to hurt when the distance got bigger. Currently it didn’t exactly hurt, but it wasn’t comfortable either - was it getting worse, how much of it was just side-effect of his worry, was it because the bond was not complete?

There – the never ending issue with their situation. How in hell were they ever supposed to fix things – or even make them better? The bond was already affecting him, changing his behaviour- he had briefly even lost control – was it going away or getting worse the longer he tried to resist. Castiel had no answers and no one to turn to – perhaps he should start looking for more info about half-formed bonds, even if there wasn’t any data about the one-sided mating bonds between true mates, but surely there were enough about mated pairs?

Few hours later he was frustrated, there wasn’t much on the internet, just huge amount of advertisements and dating sites with “ How to get him to mate you in 3 months”, “ Tired of being in one sided relationship – check this out.”. Other than that there were mostly people complaining in forums how they had accidentally mated with their drunken one night stands – and how to get rid of unwanted mating marks – nothing about mating bonds themselves.

It was now truly late and he was hungry – and Dean still hadn’t returned and now Castiel was truly considering going to lookfor him. Deciding that Dean might not be very fond of the gesture he forced himself into preparing dinner for them instead, making the most pathetic sandwich in his life as he absentmindedly put salted trout over his nutella bread – no he wasn’t pregnant so he had no excuse, but he made himself eat it out of spite- just to punish himself for making something as disgusting in first place. He didn’t care if he ended up sick – at least it would be distraction from phantom illness he already felt from worry.

He leaped from his seat when Dean finally returned, well past midnight. He didn’t want to look like overbearing parent though, so he didn’t run to Dean like he wanted, waiting for Dean to find him instead. To his disappointment Dean went straight to shower instead, but joined him 15 minutes later with his scent slightly starting to ooze through his blockers. When he pointed it out to Dean, Dean just shrugged, “No need to cover myself up for the night – might as well spare our supplies so they will last longer, this stuff works really quickly so I can just take them again in the morning and I will be fine.”

Castiel nodded, secretly pleased that he was blessed with even faintest traces of aroma of mate and safety. It greatly helped to calm his alpha, which had turned more prominent as Dean was gone.

“I made you dinner – nothing much, but just few sandwiches which I didn’t ruin by putting fish and nutella together,” he shuddered at the memory, aftertaste still detectable in his mouth.

Dean seemed horrified, “You actually did that?”

Ashamed Castiel nodded, “I wasn’t really paying attention, so I ended up wanting to make something really good- somehow my brain got side-tracked and put two “delicious” things together.” He looked up to Dean’s disgusted face, “Turns out that the outcome was worst thing I have ever had misfortune to taste.”

“You actually ate that shit?” astounded Dean took step closer to the table, where were last bits of Castiel’s miscreation. Carefully Dean took it and then to Castiel’s complete surprise actually ate it, “Why did you do that?” he gasped in horror.

He watched as Dean heroically swallowed the disastrous food, before replying, “I wanted to see how bad it could be,” Dean said while making a grimace, “it is actually worse than I thought and that is saying something.” He pointed towards soda, silently pleading Castiel to offer him something to wash the offensive taste out of his mouth.

“Are those safe?” Dean asked while eyeing up rest of the sandwiches.

Castiel nodded, “I think so, I didn’t eat any so I can’t be sure though. I made those for you.”

He waited for Dean to dig in and let out moans of approval, wishing he had been wise enough to make some for himself too, why had he thought eating this disgusting thing had been good idea?

“Dude, take some! I can’t eat 12 sandwiches alone anyway, well I can, but it would really be pushing it.” With these words Dean took half of them and put them to the Castiel’s plate. 

Once they were done, Castiel offered to wash dishes since he really needed Dean to leave living room, before Castiel dared to sneak into his own bedroom. He didn’t want Dean to question too soon – why he was not opening his bedroom door, and was always going through his bathroom to get there. He didn’t want Dean to get even slightest glimpse of how his room was drowned in pillows, and he was STILL not satisfied with the result.

Eventually the sounds from Dean’s room died down and Castiel sneaked quietly to his own room. It usually didn’t take long for the nightmares to start and Castiel hoped he could get at least few minutes of sleep before he was fighting with the memories that didn’t even belong to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has left comments and kodos - you are the reason I have managed to return to this story over so long - refusing to give up on it. Comments and kudos mean the world to me - so I want to thank everyone who has left some:)


	21. Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest - I dislike that chapter pretty much....but it is either that or nothing. And I figured nothing would be worse...

Dean was finally starting to accommodate to his new life style – he was doing so much better. He slept well - finally he was getting restful full night sleep without having to watch night after night how his mother died in the house fire, he wasn’t constantly worried about his omega status, he finally had his friends again and he was working again over break.

He was doing well in his classes, although he often refused to admit it he was actually really good with mechanics and physics and math were really easy for him. He was on top of his classes in all mechanical engineering classes – he had no problems understanding how to put together difficult machines and how to fix them – he was a natural. Nothing special though – that was reserved for Sammy, kid was a genius.

Dean was finally confident enough to initiate Skype calls with Sam few times a week, without being afraid of acting too weird for his brother to take notice. God, he missed that kid, soon he would have to figure out how to either explain his situation to Sammy or how to hide it forever – not seeing Sam was not an option for much longer.

Now that he was socializing again, things were much better. His friends often made fun of his bet with Cas, but none of them questioned their cover- convinced that Dean was stupid enough to do idiotic shit like that, and fully accepted his stubbornness. As much as he liked spending time with them, the best addition to his life was his growing friendship with Cas.

Dean didn’t know if it was because Cas was the only one aware of his situation or something else, but they really grew close. He find himself constantly thinking about different Cas related stuff when Cas was not with him – “ what Cas would have said... Cas would have liked that...Cas would not have gotten this joke – and would have tilted his head in most adorable bird like confusion.

When he was with Cas however, he always find out something new about the alpha. The way he laughed when he finally got some cultural references, the way his eyes sparkled when he had managed to cook enormous amount of food  (when Dean was too late to cook himself) and how he always made sure to try things he remembered Dean liked. There was just something special about Cas even when he was not doing anything, there were evenings when they barely spoke, but just spent time in living room and sharing comfortable silence.

 It even went so far that Dean watched “Love, Rosie” - utter chick flick movie - with Cas, and actually secretly really enjoyed it though he would never even admit to watching it. He would rather be caught dead, than watching romantic movie with his friends, but Cas was different somehow– he was openly expressing his emotions as movie progressed- even tearing up in some places. It made Dean feel better about being so emotional himself and they accidentally ended up cuddling on the couch half way through the movie.

Currently the only thing that sucked in his life was his boss, who had been giving him stinky eye for a while – always complaining about customers, trying to find excuses to cut off his pay or trying to make Dean stay overtime without any compensation. The dude was total jerk, and Dean could barely hide his disgust at the bitter rotten smell of him – he stank like rotten cabbage and spoiled flesh – and Dean was having hard time keeping his expression neutral and not gag whenever the man stepped into the room Dean was working. Luckily Azazel usually spent most of his time in office – only coming out to complain or trying to persuade Dean into working more – claiming that there would be no time for that tomorrow. It wasn’t much of the problem though since Dean was not a fool that could be tricked with such complains- he knew exactly how much time he would need to fix certain parts and how there was no need to do over hours. Tough the pay was lower than it should have been, it was enough for Dean to put it aside for later – it was also made better since he didn’t have to buy food anymore- Cas was covering all of it and Dean job was cooking it – it helped to save tons of money from groceries and also he now ate better than ever, since Cas refused to buy cheap prefabricated shit and preferred full organic foods.

Cas had even given him a fucking credit card with access to Castiel’s money – although Dean was curious to see how rich the alpha really was, he resisted the temptation – it was none of his business. Dean had only accepted the card (with no intention to ever actually use it) to make Cas feel better- he really should try to find a way to resist puppy eyes – he always failed to give in to that. Besides it wasn’t like one card was such a huge burden to carry in his wallet if it made Cas feel better.

Currently he was heading over to their table at the cafeteria, where his friends were already gathered, when someone tapped to his shoulder. He turned around, only to find Anna staring at him with friendly smile. “Hey” he greeted her feeling relief that it was only her.

“Hi, I was just wondering- have you decided when this movie night takes place? I have tried to ask Cas, but he has avoided giving straight answers, so I thought I’d go straight for the source.”

Dean shrugged, he had no idea – he was fine with whatever time Charlie and Jo bothered to show up with, dragging the rest of the group with them. “We should go over there and ask,” he pointed at the gang over the table, who had jet to notice them. Together they headed over to the table where his friends were gathered and said, “Hey guys, this is Anna – Cas’s sister. I have invited them for our movie night – with their brother Gabe I might add, so we were wondering when you were planning to show up for it?

Charlie immediately snapped her head out of the phone she had been hiding under the table, ready to reply when words seemed to escape her – Dean was willing to bet that she had been reading some crazy gay fanfiction if blush in her cheeks was anything to go by. Charlie was staring at the Anna gaping and seemingly unable to form a complete sentence. Dean quirked an eyebrow at her, so Charlie had thing for red haired betas – who knew?

“ Umm...” she muttered. Before she could get further Jo intervened, “When is the first available time after you have waken your lazy ass on Saturday?”

Dean was not lazy – they both knew that. Dean had no problems waking up early in the mornings and he was already starting to remark in most offensive way that he could be awake hours before Jo, but stopped. Cas had not been sleeping well lately and dude was clearly not morning person – being grouchy and grumpy until Dean had made them breakfast. Though perhaps he was grumpy **_because_** it was Dean who was making breakfast? Dean had no idea why Cas was so fixed on trying to cook on every opportunity he got despite their arrangement that cooking was left for Dean. Whenever he did manage to steal the chore for himself he made rich meal for them to share and looked so happy about it, that Dean sometimes made sure to give him “opportunities” to cook for them – but he never said it out loud. He just wanted to see the satisfied little smile Cas made, when Dean was “unable” to cook for them – and let Cas fix something up for them just to see that little happiness he could give Cas, but he refused to give up cooking entirely – it would waste too much food if Cas was the one to cook every day.

Still, Cas was barely sleeping and it seemed cruel to wake in up in the morning – just to challenge Jo into waking up uncomfortably early.

“Not before noon, Cas needs to sleep and he is not best morning person.”

Jo smirked, “Keep telling yourself that, I can see right through your charade- hiding behind your roommate when in fact you just want to sleep in yourself.”

“And who could blame him?” Ash asked. “It is not normal for one to be awake on such ungodly hour anyway – I prefer to sleep till noon anyway – so it is good for me.”

Benny and Charlie quickly agreed, not giving in to Jo’s obvious attempt to make them all appear there early in the morning just so she could annoy shit out of Dean. She glared at them for a moment before letting out exasperated sigh, “Fine, be lazy if you want, noon it is – let’s say 12 pm?”

“Would it be possible to make it at 2 pm instead?” Anna asked, “ I have some business to do before lunch so I might not make it before and Dean is right- Cas is horrible in the mornings.” she smiled at Dean.

Dean wanted to argue, Cas was not **_horrible_** – he was actually pretty cute in the grumpy cat sort of way, barely able to snort out replies, but never being outright rude with Dean. Instead he nodded.

“Great, so it is settled, have you decided what we are watching?”

“Harry Potter” Charlie replied at the same time as Jo said, “Star Wars”.

“I take it as a no then?” Dean laughed, he was quite looking forward to see who would win this argument – his money was on Charlie. “Well, make up your mind before showing up – otherwise we will not see the actual movie for months if you two can’t make up your mind- or we will all vote. So I suggest you to find a way to decide before Saturday.”

He received two angry glares, but both of them kept quiet silently glancing at each other to figure out a way to win the argument.

Dean chatted with Benny and Ash while Charlie kept Anna occupied. She was clearly flirting and silently Dean hoped it would work out between them- it would save him for awkwardness of being possibly asked out by Anna in the future. Luckily Anna seemed to be interested enough in her and didn’t try to get Dean’s attention the whole time.

***

 

The following days passed up too quickly for Dean to really notice, and before he knew it, it was already Friday night. He was really excited for tomorrow, looking forward to spend hours watching Harry Potter (as he predicted Charlie DID win, though Dean was pretty sure she cheated somehow). Cas had never seen it either, so he guessed that movie nights could end up being regular things from now on.

Speaking of Cas – he was really nervous about the whole thing, though he had joined Dean’s friends many time for now. He was overly worried about the how formally he should dress/ act and seemed to be completely out of his place with just casual event. No matter how much Dean tried to reassure him, that they did not need suit or no – they did not need to order food from best 5-star restaurant in town; Cas still seemed to be on edge.

“I want this day to be perfect Dean, what is wrong with that?” he asked like lost puppy.

“That’s not the point Cas! Movie nights are supposed to be about spending time with friends, making crappy jokes and eating unhealthy amount of junk food. There is nothing formal about it!” Dean explained for umpteenth time.

Cas still remained unsure, but accepted it, “ We need to leave windows open overnight to be sure that there is no remaining scent of us since we haven’t been using blockers over night. I would also suggest you to put all your personal belongings away to your room – and you would be wise to also lock away the stuff from your bathroom. “

This surprised Dean, why in hell would he need that, it is not like his scent would be so noticeable on his damn comb or barely used towel. Cas must have guessed what he was thinking since he added, “ Gabriel will be here, and although I am trying to keep close eye on him, he has nasty habit on throwing pranks-  your things would just be safer if you bothered to lock them away – if you don’t you might find some itching powder in your sheets or he will mess with your toothpaste to make your teeth blue for week – it actually has happened once though it is still mystery what he used on Michael – my older brother. “

Dean nodded, he remembered only too well how damn annoying Cas’s brother could be – and it was stupid of him since Gabe’s prank was main reason he had gotten so angry with Cas at first place - at the beginning of the year when Gabe had drowned him in fake omega scent and therefore caused the first fight and immediate dislike between Dean and Cas.

They spent most of the night cleaning and putting away their stuff, Dean even made sure to clean out his bathroom completely and left the door open for night to make sure that the room was aired from possible traces of his scent. Leaving the windows wide open proved to be problem though as it was in the middle of January. They decided to keep them open for few hours for evening and few more in the morning. They both took scent suppressants for night, even though it was unlikely that their scents would appear so soon – the stuff was good.

Too tired to too anything Dean excused himself and went to sleep early – just in case Jo decided to be ass and show up 6 am or something- if she did Dean had to be ready to beat her.

He drifted off, listening to Cas typing in computer in the living room.

 

***

 

Dean let out series of expletives as he was rudely wakened by distressed moans. His first instinct was to find the bastard who was making the noise, but it vaporized quickly as he realized that it was coming from Cas.

Quick look towards the clock shoed him that he actually should start to get up anyway as it was already 11 am. It had been ages since he had last slept so long, but unfortunately he had zero motivation to get up – that is until he heard another pained whimper coming from living room.

Sighing, he arose and headed over to the living room, not bothering to put any clothes on. It wasn’t like Cas hadn’t seen it all  already. Frankly, he was too sleepy to give a damn about modesty.

Slowly he made his way to the Cas’s bedroom door and pushed, but to his surprise the door was locked. Why would Cas have locked this already? Gabriel wasn’t even here yet, wouldn’t it make it uncomfortable to move around apartment in case he had to wonder to the kitchen to take glass of water or something? It wasn’t like Cas was always locking the door right? Why would he – it wasn’t like he had reason to hide anything from Dean – or suspect that Dean would try to take his stuff. In fact Dean was more than sure that if he would ask- Cas would give him everything – so why was his door locked? Just in case he forgot to do that before Gabriel arrived?

Just as he was ready to try to enter Castiel’s bathroom to see if he could access the room this way, Cas let out another whine – but it wasn’t coming from his bedroom.

Turning around Dean found tossing figure on the couch in position which had to be uncomfortable. Dean pitied him – it was wonder if Cas would get through the day without some stiffness in the neck seeing as his head was under unnatural angle against the couch arm.

Cas’s face was already filled with uneasiness and Dean briefly wondered if it was about the dream he was having or just from uncomfortable sleeping position. He took a step closer and shook Castiel’s shoulders as gently as he could. Cas let out small snarl, but otherwise remained sleeping.

Cas seemed to be heavy sleeper, and as much as Dean wanted to give his friend some well deserved sleep – they really needed to start moving if they wanted to have breakfast before visitors. Besides- it hardly seemed like Cas was having restful sleep or that he should remain asleep on the damn couch.

Without thinking twice he gave Cas slight slap against the cheek, immediately jumping back as vicious snarl ripped through the air and bright red eyes were burning to his. It lasted only for the moment, then Cas blinked and alpha red rapidly started to fade from his irises.

“I’m sorry Dean.” Cas grunted, hiding his face to his hands.

“No worries Cas, I would have snipped too in your place.” Should he ask about his eyes? Was it normal for Castiel’s alpha to show up once rudely awakened or was it another sign that Cas might be having feral episodes or being close to having one. Since Cas had not actually flipped he let it go.

“You should really start waking though – we should get some food into our bellies, before those ravenous beasts show up.” If he was trying to cheer Cas up he had failed miserably as he was met with two blue wide worried eyes.

“Should we order something then? We still have little time and if we call right now they might be able to deliver plenty of food...If the notice is too short I am sure I could persuade most places into making enough food for nine people.” Before Dean could say anything Cas went on, already making plans, “If they are so ravenous perhaps we should order more – how much do we need? We could order about thirty meals – will that cover it?” Cas quickly got up and ran his fingers through his messed up sex hair, groaning quietly.

He turned to Dean, eyes full of despair as he asked,” Why couldn’t you mention it yesterday, Dean?”

Cas sounded so sad, so miserable that Dean had failed to mention such important detail, and Dean couldn’t decide if he should mention that he was only joking or if he could use the opportunity and tease Cas bit further- letting him panic bit more. Since Dean was ass he went with later, “I’m so sorry Cas, It never even occurred to me that we would need food for this.”

Come to think of it ordering some food would not be bad idea at all – it would be nice to eat something other than chips and beer for the movie. Pie and burgers perhaps – or pizza? It would also be nice surprise for everyone since as they were students- most of them hadn’t had good meal for a while.

“What should we order Dean? What do we need? If you make me a list I can take care of it.”

Unable to turn down food- for the greater cause of course, Dean actually started making list of the foods he liked. He decided for some Chinese and some pizza as well as burgers and pie. It didn’t matter what they would get anyway – they were not that picky and would literally down anything with label FOOD.

He gave the list for Cas, feeling only slightly guilty that Cas was apparently going to order food for all of them, but it seemed that Cas didn’t seem to mind. In worst case of scenario Dean will just remind his friends to cover some of it – and they will be fine. And if Cas would happen to order too much pie – Dean would be more than happy to feed on the leftovers during the next week.

***

It didn’t take long for their guests to arrive and at the first knock on the door was all it took to make Cas freeze completely, sending panicked look at the Dean. Just as Dean was starting to open the door there was loud bang of something, and profound swearing from male who Dean recognized as Gabriel.

Immediately Cas jumped and ran to the door, opening the door to reveal his two siblings. Dean was secretly really satisfied since now Jo wouldn’t be even first guest to arrive, he debated if he should perhaps message Charlie and guys and ask her to drag her ass over ASAP, but he got distracted by situation unfolding right in front of him.

Anna was welcomed with warm smile and friendly hug, but as soon as Gabriel tried to step further into their apartment Castiel blocked his way.

“Give me the bag!” he growled low in his throat.

To Gabriel’s credit the look of (possibly feigned) innocence was really convincing, “What? A guy can’t bring his own snacks?” He let out loud complain, pointing at the backpack he had thrown over his shoulder.

Castiel considered this for a moment before shaking his head, “It is not your candies I am concerned with, I just don’t trust you enough to not smuggle in illicit stuff.“

Since Gabriel had apparently hesitated too long to just give over his bag- Castiel just snapped it and threw it to Dean, who barely managed to catch it in time to not get bag full of questionable things thrown to his face.

“What’s next – you are going to search me through yourself?” Gabriel muttered, but seeing the thoughtful look on Castiel’s face his eyes widened. “Seriously? Do you even trust me a little?” He complained, staring at Cas incredulously.

“No, if it comes down to the items you are wearing or carrying with you – then absolutely not.” Castiel replied dryly. “I still remember too well how it ended for our aunt to take you to mall; it took 2 weeks to restore her original hair colour.”

Instead of taking offence Gabriel smiled, “Ahh, good old times, it was completely worth it though – she stopped all her attempts to introduce her friends daughters to me.”

Castiel could not help but laugh, “So that’s why she was suddenly so adamant of sending you off to the boarding school?”

Castiel watched carefully as Gabriel took off his jacket, and with a dramatic sigh removed insides of his loaded pockets. “Happy now? he asked as Castiel finally let him past.

Castiel didn’t bother to reply instead his attention was snapped to the door and insistent knocking; looking up for Dean for assurance he carefully opened the door.

Soon the apartment was filled with noises and the people, fighting over best sitting positions and trying to steal as many couch pillows as they could.

“Dude, do you have more pillows somewhere, we could totally use some – and then throw pillow fight after? “ Benny asked as Dean smacked his head.

“Not a chance brother, I am so not letting you use the pillow I sleep on so you could warm your stinky butt on it!”

It looked like Castiel was about to say something, but Dean quickly shook his head – no need to carry out their pillows from bedrooms- not like two would make any huge difference .

It didn’t take long for Charlie and Ash to put up whole home cinema system ( Dean and Cas had been too lazy to properly use it to the full advantage) and soon they were all fitted comfortably on the couch – Jo, Charlie, Anna, Benny and Ash that is. Gabriel had managed to claim lone armchair for himself leaving only available spot for Dean and Cas to sit on – much to Dean’s horror – a fucking loveseat.

“You can’t be serious!” He muttered as he stared at the two-seater as if it had personally offending him.

“What, Dean, having problem with sharing with another alpha – again? We thought you were getting over your little pissing contest.”  Benny smirked, the asshole.

“ Fuck you!” They all laughed, Dean really needed to get better friends, what a jerks. He was ready to pick an argument to at least get another seat when he caught the look on the Castiel’s face – who had already taken his place on the damned love seat – and words died in his mouth.

Though Castiel tried keep his face blank, Dean could clearly identify raw hurt in his expression – and it was enough to make Dean feel like complete ass – would it truly be so bad to openly just share a damn couch with his **_friend_**? It is not like he didn’t do **_more_** with him on normal evenings- they pretty much damn cuddled together sometimes, but now he was being total jerk and god, why was he still standing?

He threw Cas sheepish smile and made his way over to couch and made himself comfortable, trying to seem as nonchalant as he could while doing it. He didn’t need to hear the comments about some stupid alpha fights anymore – no he did not have problem with Cas. Well, that was a lie, perhaps he did have problem with Cas, since part of him only wanted to snuggle closer and rest his head on his shoulder, while another part of him wished to get as much space between their bodies as possible on this confined space.

He glared at Jo just as she was undoubtedly considering saying some nasty remark, and amazingly it worked – her eyes narrowed but she shut her mouth.

“Great, now that Dean and Jo have gained normal testosterone levels- yes, you too Jo – don’t give me that look, it is time so finally start with the epicenes of Harry Potter.”

Soon Dean did not pay attention to his friends much more- too captivated by the movie he had probably seen too many times already, but he did sometimes manage to sneak glimpses of Cas.

Just like always Cas was paying his full attention to the movie, barely blinking and making most adorable confused faces when things did not go as he expected. Dean sometimes had to glare at his friends when someone was about to whisper spoilers, nodding towards Cas to get them to shut the hell up.

They watched two movies straight, and Dean was forced to admit that by this point he was paying more attention to Cas than to the movie itself. Just as Harry had finally entered the Chamber of Secrets there was loud ring of the door bell – must be the food they had ordered.

“Put it on pause, Charlie” he said as he made his way over to the door, dragging Cas with him – since hey, someone had to actually pay and he could really use some help with carrying it all inside. There was no way he could carry meals for nine people by himself.

Good thing he did – as there were three delivery guys bringing in 3 huge boxes of different food. Silently he cursed himself- while he had made a list for Cas what to order, he had totally forgotten to mention how **_much_** to order – it was completely his fault, well technically Castiel’s - but Dean knew that dude didn’t have **_slightest idea_** about how much nine people will eat – so he ended up ordering enough for thirty.

His friends apparently had caught on the delicious scent coming from hallway since they all gathered behind him.

“Holly crap, are we expecting someone else?” Gabriel let out low whistle.

Dean groaned, “No, this is my fault – I should not have let Castiel manage the delivery – he is horrible at estimating right amounts of anything.”

If Dean expected to see humours understanding on Anna’s and Gabriel’s faces he could not have been more surprised. Both of them were frowning in confusion and stared at Cas, who sifted uncomfortably under their questioning stare.

“You mean to tell us, that Mr. Perfectionist somehow made a mistake and forgot that there were only nine of us?” Gabriel asked incredulously.

Luckily for Cas Ash came to save him, “Who the hell cares guys, there is never enough food, and if we are going to watch all 8 movies – there should be no problem in finishing it!”

Others gladly agreed and soon they were enjoying their Chinese food and burgers- Dean really was not looking forward cleanup afterwards- they were bound to mess up room with greasy food and pieces of junk food, but it was all worth it he guessed, as he dug into his own burger once the movie started again.

It took them three hours to eat so much, that none of them could fit another bite to their mouth, but amazingly they had managed to eat about half of it. They decided to put it away for later and lazily put on another movie, waiting until they could eat again.

They took longer break after “Order of the Phoenix”, just spending time talking and joking. Someone even suggested board games- but since they did not have any it died down quickly.

Gabriel tried to suggest “Truth or Dare”, but Anna quickly informed them, that it would be suicidal to play it with Gabriel and none of them were very enthusiastic since they were all too full to actually bother to move around.

Instead they got to know each other, and to Dean’s surprise even Gabriel could be normal if he tried (still annoying though).

“So Dean – throwing a party next week?”  Benny asked, looking Dean expectantly.

“Nah, I’m most likely working.” he shrugged.

“What? Do you really think we will let you get away without celebrating your birthday?” Jo exclaimed, looking like he was ready to kick his ass if he dared to say no.

“It is Dean’s birthday?” Castiel asked curiously and gave Dean reproachful look.

Shit, now Cas was thinking that Dean was deliberately hiding it from him – which he totally wasn’t. He had honestly forgotten all about his shitty birthday since he had no intent to celebrate it at all.

“Yeah, you should buy him a new Car,” Charlie said, “God knows his current one is old enough to belong to his grandfather.”

Fuck no, baby was precious and yeah, she was bit old (almost old enough to belong to his damn grandfather, but Dean was not going to point it out), but what if Cas went crazy and actually bought him something expensive as fuck – like private jet or damn helicopter or freaking yacht – god knows what Novaks considered appropriate gifts for classmates, but he doubted it would be anything normal.

“Don’t buy me a new car,” he said firmly to Cas, just in case he really did take Charlie’s joke seriously.

“Yeah,” Charlie agreed, “Dean would probably never forgive you if you tried to replace his sex toy he calls his car.”

Dean nearly chocked, **_he did not_** get mental images of Cas buying him sex toys- **_he did not_**. _Wonder what he would buy for me- knotting plug, dildo, perhaps some panties – god it would be so hot if Cas would make him wear some, handcuff him to bed and..._ So much for not thinking it, he realized with horror as he felt little bit of slick sliding out of his ass.

Luckily no one seemed to notice, except for Cas who sniffed once and cast him worried look, and Dean silently pleaded him to give him any sign if he should excuse himself and go change, but Cas just shook his head almost unnoticeable.

He had blacked out for a while just making sure that no one had noticed, before he started paying attention to others again.

 “You should have seen Cassie, he was crying out loud when Santa did not bring him live bees like he had asked, and had to accept the disappointment when he received huge fluffy bee toy instead. He was inconsolable – father had to promise they will let him have some bee hives when he was older, and convince him that this was just his “practice bee” to make sure that he could take proper care for it.” Anna said.

“Which led to Cassie dragging the damn toy everywhere with him and insisting on getting it a proper bed – he even tried to feed it some real honey – and spent next few days in utter misery as it was taken away from him for cleaning – sure that he had failed the test.”  Gabriel finished, enjoying the opportunity to embarrass his younger sibling.  

“I was two and a half years old!” Castiel protested, but apparently it didn’t seem to matter- everyone laughed. Dean find it utterly adorable though, he could imagine 2,5 year old with messy mop of a hair and startling blue eyes gazing angrily at Santa and demanding his bees- like a true alpha. It made him wonder about Castiel’s childhood- and suddenly he wished that he could learn all about the other man.

They eventually started next movie and by the time they were finished with series it was already 3 am. Ash and Jo had already passed out, but were quickly awakened as they brought out left-over food – surprisingly there wasn’t much. They were too tired to manage proper conversation, choosing to eat in silence instead. Jo, Charlie, Anna and Ash were ready to leave, but Gabriel apparently had other ideas- as he tried to get to the Castiel’s bedroom, but was stopped by locked door.

“Why Cassie, I could easily just sleep with you – I won’t take much space, I promise.”

“No Gabe, you live literally in the same building, I will see no reason to share bed with you.” Castiel remained firm. Despite Gabriel’s various complains they finally got everyone to leave, and Dean had to admit that no matter how much he loved his friends- he was really clad to be alone with Cas again.

They did not bother to clean up, choosing to leave this tedious task for morning.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has left comments and kodos - you are the reason I have managed to return to this story over so long - refusing to give up on it. Comments and kudos mean the world to me - so I want to thank everyone who has left some.


	22. The Battle of the Beast and Mind

Castiel was slowly losing himself – or his alpha. There were days when everything seemed to be fine, but those days were rare and mostly he felt like he was either losing his mind to his alpha or he was losing his alpha to his mind.

He was constantly on the edge without any good reason and he overreacted to the most innocent things – like the time when Gabriel had “gifted” him with “Fresh Omega slick lube” – artificial substance which many alphas liked to use as lube during their ruts. Gabriel being Gabriel, of course he had thought it would be funny to buy him sweetest flavour and had put tester over silky underwear and threw it to his face.

In flash Castiel had ripped the offending undergarment apart, making sure that nothing was left of its original form and then furiously ripped his shirt off to wipe away remains of fake slick on his face, not caring if he rubbed hard enough to cause skin abrasion.

The texture and aroma making his alpha wild – it was a **_wrong_** scent. _What if our mate thinks we are cheating them?_ His alpha whined and made sure to show off his displeasure to Gabriel with baring his teeth in warning and growled threateningly, if it would have been anybody else – not his nest mate he would have done way worse.

Gabriel had been shocked, “I get that I you don’t like that scent, but there is no need to act like that! It couldn’t have been **_that bad_**.” He even had  the impudence to look annoyed at Castiel, while _he_ was being the one acting like child.

“Well it was – I would greatly appreciate if you would spare me of any omega scents in the future- they all smell wrong.” Castiel scolded, trying to fight off the ever present snarling in his head.

Gabriel’s face lit with surprise and then he let out low whistle, “Didn’t know they don’t do it for you, bro. I thought that as alpha you would appreciate it bit more – after all, by this rate this is the closest you are ever likely to get to an omega’s scent! So what should I try next? Some feisty little beta – or even musky little alpha? He winked while licking the deep purple lollipop obnoxiously.

Castiel wrinkled his nose in disgust, they were not interested in alphas, betas or omegas, and they only wanted their mate – no matter their presentation. No, **HE** , not “they”....he really needed to get better grip on his other side.

“No, I am not interested in anyone – alpha, beta or omega – got it?” he barked, belatedly aware that his alpha had once again entwined to his normal mind. The beast in his head fervently agreed – _yes, they already had a best mate in the world- the others could keep their humans to themselves, they did not need them.And we don’t have use for this disgusting slime their nest mate had smeared all over them._

“Is that the reason why you have never shown interest in anyone, Cassie? Gabriel asked, glancing curiously at his younger brother, while pulling out his ever present lollipop with obscene wet noise before adding, “Or are you just waiting for the one true love to show up and saving yourself for them?” He smirked, hoping to get the rise out of Castiel.

“If that is the case – don’t wait too long – otherwise you will most likely die as virgin.” He winked.

Castiel did not bother to correct him, that he was not virgin anymore ; Gabriel would never leave him alone before he would get all the glorious details about his baby brother’s sex life- and Castiel really would rather be eternal virgin in his brothers eyes, than risk bringing it up.

“Something like that,” he replied, hoping it was vague enough to be answer to any or all of Gabriel’s questions.

Gabriel squinted as if unsure if he believed him, but then laughed, “Our family will be devastated to hear that, Cassie. Mom is already desperate about finding us our “true loves”- no need to support her madness. Do you remember the time when she dragged us into all of those places since we were old enough to get boners and insisted on us looking for our mates?”

Castiel did, his mother was quite childish and entirely hopeless romantic, whose life mission was helping her children find suitable mates – if not even true mates, despite how unlikely it was. She had even gone that far that she had dragged Castiel and his various siblings into different places in hopes one of them could find their true love. Those places had included museums, art galleries, gyms, theatres, parties- and once to Castiel’s greatest horror – retirement home. His mother had explained – that true love did not ask for age and was forever young.

Castiel did remember the relief when he obviously was not interested (and neither were his siblings), but they did spend a whole day talking with seniors and helping them – so it wasn’t entirely bad memory. He loved their mother- but she was quote obnoxious and spent too much time watching soap operas and reading something called fan fictions.

“Yeah, imagine her horror when she discovers that I will never mate? Perhaps I should take a cat and try to convince her –this is my only companion in life?” He joked, he could already picture the mixture of joy, horror and confusion on their mother’s face, it was hard to picture which one would win out.

Gabriel laughed, “Actually I might even consider it as a prank, getting a pet and then telling mom that it smells like a mate – knowing mom she would probably end up writing series of self help books “How to accept true love in all forms and shapes” – it would be hilarious.”

“Doesn’t she already?” Castiel smirked and snorted at the utterly terrified expression Gabriel made. “I mean I wouldn’t put it past her – writing secret blogs about mates and all the different ways to meet the one.”

“God, you are right,” Gabriel groaned, “Let’s just hope for the sakes of our sanity that we will never stumble upon anything she writes.”

Just as Castiel was about to say to Gabe, that it was WAY too late to save HIS sanity. He was suddenly reminded of his own. The topic about sanity was enough to ruin Castiel’s joking mood, brining his mind back to his own unstable state.

It wasn’t as if he was exactly “normal” or “stable” right now, but he was dancing on the edge between mind of the beast and mind of the man. If he had thought that he would get better with time- he had been sorely mistaken.

Castiel tried to put up a good face, go to school, get good grades, spend time with others – but he really wasn’t very into it right now.

Truth was- Castiel was worried. He feared for his sanity and piece of his mind as days passed by.  He could have been having a most normal day – going to school, reading or doing something very ordinary, when his mind was suddenly flooded with confused questions from his alpha – how did it help **_them_** to seduce Dean – why was it important, that Castiel would learn the importance of something called “statistics of business marketing” or “data analysing” if they did not try to impress their mate with it?

The alpha was getting more and more impatient with him, trying to be patient and understanding ( and mostly failing miserably at it), when it came obvious that some tasks Castiel did had **_nothing_** to do with their mate even remotely.

It simply did not see a point in anything other than Dean. For his most primary side- nothing was more important than finding and taking care of their mate – and they already did have a mate- so why was it necessary to waste so much time on irrelevant stuff like school? They did not need it – this time would be much better spent on decorating their nest or making gifts for their mate in hopes of courtship, but their stupid human insisted on wasting such a precious time.

Alpha was worried that by this rate they will never get to impress their mate or worse- someone else would succeed where its most complicated efforts had failed. It didn’t simply did not understand – they did everything they could think of – and it was still not enough. They had built a nice nest, they made sure that their mate was feed – thought for some reason their mate insisted on cooking it themselves – perhaps they were that bad at making good food? They should try harder perhaps – to master this skill. Every night they dragged their mate out of bright flames, that did not burn their body but their mind and they were trying so hard to spend time with them and get their approval – so why were they failing?

Castiel flinched out of his train of thoughts as he realised that he had once again drifted into mind of his beast; and found Gabriel watching him with uncharacteristic concern.

“Is everything alright with you little brother?” He asked quietly, once his voice absent for any traces of mischief or amusement. “Lately you seem off, and I don’t just mean your inability to pay attention to surroundings or the weird incidents when you act like feral animal.”

Castiel must have looked like deer caught in headlights and he had to fight the urge to run away. No, he was not fine, in fact he had no idea how much he was even in control of his own mind and how much of it was the alpha. Every day the line between him and the beast faded, and Castiel was terrified what might happen then – who would win?

Apparently his silence was confirmation enough and he couldn’t bring himself to lie- what was the point anyway – Gabriel would see right through him,” Please don’t tell anyone,” he pleaded, “I am just having a rough time lately and my alpha is irritated with how long it takes me to fix things, so I’m just tired and snappy.”

Gabriel’s eyes narrowed, obviously looking for lies but didn’t want to push Castiel too hard, “I can give you any promises if I see you getting any worse.” He turned to face Castiel in seriousness Castiel had never seen in his brother before, “I will not say anything for now, but I really think you should consider getting help if this gets any worse, we can’t let you get too depressed- try to fix whatever is bothering you and get better.”

“So you would please lay off your pranks with me for a while- I really just need time.”

It was apparent how Gabriel was having inner battle between his love for Cas and his life mission, but eventually just nodded and left, “Take car, Cassie.”

It was alarming that Castiel must look like shit if Gabriel was turning into caring older brother; not that Gabriel **_didn’t_** care – but for him to openly  show it was unexpected. And for him to consider giving up pranking even temporarily – Castiel must truly look pathetic.

***

To Castiel’s credit he truly tried. He tried to take better care for himself- making up for lost night sleep on his free periods or when Dean was at work, he tried to focus on his studies and spend time with his family, but nothing helped.

The only time his alpha was leaving him more or less alone was when Dean was with him – too afraid to scare their mate off again with feral behaviour – after all, their mate had asked for Castiel’s presence.

He tried to act normal around Dean, not wanting him to worry about the bond that was tying them together – he knew that Dean would just blame himself for it somehow.

Castiel also did not regret being bonded to Dean even though it made him feel incomplete and alone; gave him nightmares and made him lose control – Dean was worth it.

He found, that easiest way to remain in himself was convincing his alpha, that everything he did was somehow for Dean. So he focused on his latest task – getting suitable birthday present for Dean.

His alpha, excited for what it deemed to be important “courting gift” (Castiel did not bother to correct it) - left him mostly alone as Castiel tossed aside hundreds of ideas. He didn’t want to buy anything – and his alpha agreed- they needed to make something. He wanted to give Dean something significant, something that would be made just for him.

Finally an idea came to him and he spent rest of his evenings going out to the small workshop, carving small wooden figure and making it into a recognizable car trinket, trying to make it as detailed as possible. It was his long time hobby – but it had been years since he had last tried to make something as detailed, and he needed it to be absolutely perfect. So he drowned himself into the work and if he missed few classes since he just forgot to show up – no one had to know.

He barely finished the leather bound impala bracelet for Dean’s birthday, but to his disappointment he did not get the good opportunity to give it over since Dean was working. When Dean finally arrived late that evening, he was too tired to wish to celebrate and Castiel was too anxious to give over his present – what if Dean rejected it? Like a coward he was Castiel sneaked to Dean’s bedroom once Dean was sleeping instead and carefully left the bracelet to his night stand.

Like an idiot he was, he did his best to avoid Dean for the next day, terrified of his reaction. He only calmed down a little, when he noticed added adornment on Dean’s wrist. They did not speak about it, but Castiel caught Dean playing with it several times and smiling softly as he did it.

 

***

Weeks passed and Castiel was getting more restless, but he tried to blame some of it on his forthcoming rut.

The thought of going into the rut was annoying on his best day- but right now it seemed like one of the hardest things he would ever have to get through.

He knew he could not find any satisfaction or even little bit release and using most of the toys would probably also prove to be difficult as it was hard to find scentless lubes without fake omega scents in them – for alphas best pleasure. He really wasn’t looking forward to having to lock himself up into the secure room for unknown time period, but there was no better option.

As his rut neared, his alpha was making more appearances, often pushing for control and only barely managing to tolerate Castiel’s attempts to keep it back.

More than anything, it wanted to wrap itself around Dean, make him his and keep him safe – the mere idea that they should voluntarily lock themselves away; unable to reach their mate was preposterous and dangerous – how could they keep their mate safe if they were not there? It was only worse since they did not always had access to the mind bridge which connected them to their mate – their mate did not let them close more often than not and it made alpha uneasy.

The moment it realised that Castiel was planning on being seprated from Dean it was fighting him at every turn. _Their mate would not be safe! This could not be allowed!_ But no matter how much the alpha pleaded, his human did not seem to be able to understand the severity of the situation.

No, even worse- this is how Castiel find himself looking for a ways to suppress his alpha and this absolutely made the animal in him panic. It didn’t always follow the difficult thoughts of the human mind, but it understood the concept – its human was looking for a way to make him go away – like he had done few times to him, but only briefly – and he always brought him back! His other self was trying to find something that would make him sleep – perhaps even permanently leaving their mate in danger – this was not acceptable.

***

 

Castiel wiped away few treacherous tears as he searched for alpha suppressants. It wasn’t like he **_liked_** the idea of using those drugs – but he didn’t see any better way. No matter how much he tried to explain himself to his alpha side, silly as it may be –  it only seemed to make matters worse. It simply didn’t **_get_** how they were danger to Dean – especially the alpha side itself.

 What if the alpha would claim Dean or take advantage of him? What if he would go feral   - what would happen then? Castiel couldn’t risk letting his alpha take control – and god, was it trying. Castiel didn’t know what held it back from gaining full control again, but each time he sensed that something about it seemed absolutely terrified to take over him again. As much as the alpha wanted to take over, it never did, images of Dean flashing in its mind and fear that **_he_** wouldn’t approve. Whatever the reason, the beast held itself back – at least for now, but Castiel wasn’t sure how long his luck would last.

It whined in his head constantly, confused and afraid like kicked puppy one moment, angered beast at the next – it was unpredictable and Castiel needed to do something about it, before things got more out of hand. In his current state of mind Castiel might truly hurt someone- especially Dean if he would lose control like that, and this would not too.

_We will never harm him!_ The voice in his head failed to see reason, sure in its intent to keep Dean safe.

Alpha suppressors were not by far the ideal solution for his situation. There hadn’t been many studies on them and they often came with nasty side effects. They were drugs used to put the inner alpha into hibernation, numb down the instincts and often caused troublesome effects- like loss of alpha strength, ability to smell – basically it shut down your alpha part – and about 40 % of cases – it could be lost permanently. More than 60 % of the users did suffer some sort of permanent damage.

Usually the drug was only used on ferals in hopes to give them back their conscious mind or in some cases where alpha could not deal with the loss of their mate – making it necessary to conceal the inner beast. It was also used on alphas that were considered too dangerous; situations where alpha side could be danger to others or itself too often, where human could lose themselves temporarily to their wilder side – which was reason Castiel was even considering this.

He could lose his alpha forever –  and though it was proving to be troublesome to deal with his instinctual side he **_didn’t_** want to lose it. It wasn’t like it was **_trying_** to be vicious or put anyone deliberately in a danger. It wasn’t being difficult on purpose – it was just confused and afraid, like wild cornered animal. It was only trying to do what its instincts told him to – protect and provide for their mate, but it didn’t get that it was danger to their mate itself since their mate might **_never_** want them – thought which his alpha could never accept.

It was proud alpha after all – it was convinced that if it only tired hard enough they could win Dean over. It was trying – in its own messed up way – paying extra attention to what Dean needed, trying to give him as much of his wishes as it understood, but nothing was working. Castiel had no idea how his alpha would react if it would finally realize that it was **_not doing anything wrong_** , there might be **_nothing_** it could do to win Dean over – Dean might never accept him because of his nature – being male and alpha – two things he could not change and even if he could; Dean might still not want him.

The prospect of losing his alpha entirely was bringing him to the next question – it wasn’t like Castiel wouldn’t do that for Dean.  One of the possible side effects was losing the strength that came from the alpha, and if that would happen – how could Castiel protect Dean?

**_Exactly!_** Came self-satisfied response from his head.

_No one is asking you._ Castiel had no idea when he had started to have inner dialogue with his alpha, but this was something he intended to win.

_He will need us, if you make me go away how can you help him? You will give him poisoned sleep and put him into danger!_  The beast argued.

True, Castiel could possibly not feel the bond anymore, he would be left with barely half of himself, unable to feel the bond and help, he could lose ability to smell or even feel if Dean was alright – he could even lose his instincts which were currently working on overdrive but they did not harm Dean, but taking them away completely....what would happen if Castiel failed to smell aggressive alpha near Dean or lack strength to fight them off?

Feeling the smugness in his head he ordered few bottles of those suppressants, making its glee vaporize quickly. _Just so you would be on your best behaviour, try to make a wrong move on Dean and I WILL take them._

_What is the right move then? Shouldn’t we focus on that?_

Ignoring his alpha Castiel shut the computer and wobbled to bathroom, making sure to lock it immediately in case Dean would come looking for him. He put together emergency bag for his rut, just a few toys and bottle of odd scentless lube- he was sincerely hoping it wouldn’t turn out to be acid. Or give him skin rush...it was better to not think about it too much.

Over a long time he bothered to check himself out in the mirror – and what he saw did not make him feel any better. He locked like crap – no wonder Gabriel had been worried and even though he had tried to hide his troubles from Dean – he had caught him giving him concerned looks as well.

If his calculations were right – his rut should start by tomorrow and he had already reserved rut chamber in the schools basement. It was secured sound and scent proof room with 2 inch iron forced door so he could not get out. The door would be locked from the outside and someone would send him food with dumbwaiter.

Though he tried to hide it from his alpha the idea of being locked away from Dean made him also uneasy, but it was necessary to keep himself from accidentally forcing himself on Dean.

First time in three weeks he did not wait for Dean to come home, instead he decided to take long bath and if possible get some rest before the hellish week waiting for him would start.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has left comments and kodos - you are the reason I have managed to return to this story over so long - refusing to give up on it. Comments and kudos mean the world to me - so I want to thank everyone who has left some:)


	23. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have had bit too much fun with this chapter - so I got bit carried away - should I be sorry?

Dean was impatiently waiting for Castiel to wake up, he hadn’t met the Cas last night something he had gotten used to over few previous weeks. He had made breakfast – even going so far that he had woken up few hours early to make some mean burgers; not to just throw something together in hurry.

He really missed spending time with his friend and lately Cas had been a bit distant. He was always there whenever Dean asked something, always ready to help him out (“Of course, Dean” – turning into his factory default setting.) Dean felt bad for not being there on his birthday – he really would have liked to drag Cas out and spend some time with him, but he had work to do.

He touched his wrist where small wooden impala was attached to his wrist with leather bound – he had no idea where Cas had find this amazing piece, but it truly touched him. Though it was weird that alpha had sneaked it into his bedroom instead of giving it to him in person – still Dean had no doubt it was from Cas and there was just something special about it – perhaps it was the effort he must have put into finding such a detailed copy of Dean’s beloved car, the fact that Cas even knew how much it meant to him – whatever it was – Dean could just tell it was special.

As morning passed and there were still no signs of Cas, Dean started to get slightly irritated – should he wake Cas?  He immediately casted the idea aside as Cas looked like shit lately - well, very attractive shit, but he truly could use some beauty sleep.

Since it was Saturday morning and he didn’t have to be somewhere he just took out his computer and read few articles about “Top Cars”. He considered watching porn, but it didn’t sit well with him lately – he either just didn’t feel the need or got all hot and bothered and started leaking slick all over the place. It didn’t help that he wanted to get his edge off for some time now, but doing it yourself is not as good as with partner. Cas – his brain helpfully supplied, and Dean had to agree – he really would have liked to get it on with Cas again.

He had slowly gotten used to his new features, it didn’t mean that he was fine with having them exactly, but it was all he had at the moment, might as well make best of them. He had figured that if he would be damned to be omega forever – things were not as bad as he had originally thought. First – he got free lube – and that was all kinds of awesome – sure it was pain in the ass to deal with his sheets and underwear whenever he got aroused, but it certainly had its perks which he had not been too shy to try out.

To his surprise most of his “expected changes” that he was warned about just didn’t happen or had already faded away.  Dean did not feel the overpowering need to submit to every alpha he came across – like the “book” had suggested and Alistair had taunted him with. He did not feel slightest bit of submission when his alpha friends messed with him or someone was just measuring him up in competing way – in fact he felt exactly like before – stubbornly adamant to prove that he was the better one – and to his surprise it was working.

It was like 90% of the changes that were expected of him just failed to exist or he didn’t even notice them – Dean wondered with dark satisfaction how frustrated it would have made Alastair – to realize his master project was not some perfect submissive sex toy, only made for alphas pleasure with no mind of his own. It gave him comfort to know that he was not reduced to the mindless being they had wanted him to be. The task to turn him into ultra submissive omega had failed spectacularly.

No, he was still very much the same person and Dean really appreciated it even if he was still not used to the idea of being omega. Perhaps he should never be “okay” with it, but then again – was it truly better than spend rest of the life mourning the loss of something he might never get back, deny himself all a chance to live since he was unable to accept his new gender and wallow in the past? Nope, it would be smarter to be pissed off, but deal with the situation as well as possible.

It wasn’t ideal of course, but so far Dean had made truce to his omeganess – and slowly took full advantage of the few perks it offered. He appreciated the new calmness in his mind- where his alpha had been stubborn and nearly overpoweringly bossy sometimes, leaving him frustrated and angry for no reason– he was now blessed with much more peaceful inner life.

To his immense surprise it wasn’t **_much_** different from his previous alpha self- only wiser and less hot- blooded he guessed. It was still stubborn as fuck, refused to see the reason and had wilful mind of its own, but it didn’t feel the need to pick fights with everyone he came across with - but it still greatly enjoyed winning those little fights whenever they happened.  Still – it wasn’t much different and Dean was grateful for it – it made it easier to if not to accept it then at least get along with it.

 

Cas certainly helped by just being there for Dean and not expecting anything in return. He hadn’t called Dean “omega” once, he never brought up their mating or complained about their half formed bond, though Dean knew by now that it was slowly eating Cas up – still he suffered from it, and Dean wanted to help him.

Castiel also did not make any move to try to initiate anything sexual between them – and that both relieved and disappointed Dean. Truth was the heat sex with Cas had been best sex of Dean’s life – and source of his spank bank ever since. Dean had always been all for physical loving and since they had already done it – why not again? Dean was horny and he was willing to bet that Cas was not much better – both of them were aware of Dean being omega and  yeah – no need to worry about finding someone else, even better – no need to “cheat” on each other.

On the other hand, it terrified him. As much as he wouldn’t have minded having sex with Cas again, what if they messed it up somehow? Dean was all for sex and no strings attached, but he couldn’t use Cas like that – and he had the feeling the alpha wouldn’t want it either. Worse, part of him knew that Castiel wouldn’t be able to refuse him if Dean would decide to just have his way with him – one word from Dean and Cas would give him everything he asked – and then there were heats to think off.

Dean hadn’t had a second one yet and he really should check if it was normal to go so long between heats. Then again – perhaps “normal” did not apply to him either. If the script was right Dean should be some “super-omega” who could go in to the heat if alpha ordered him to – or not get heat at all. It was even supposed to work as birth control – something to do with an extra membrane somewhere in his body (something he really preferred to not think about), which was supposedly was sensitive to alpha voice only – opening and closing his channel according to the alpha’s will – if alpha told him to get “bred up” while knotting him – Dean would have no way to stop it.

 “Perk” that Alastair had wanted in him, Dean thought bitterly – imagine an omega whore who could be kept constantly in heat while not having to risk him getting pregnant if told so? – No wonder bastard had been willing to go so far. Dean didn’t doubt what Alastair would have used it for, given the chance – kept him in constant heat for clients to use and not risk him getting any unwanted pups- or if client was sick enough – perhaps he would have let them breed Dean up once he was done with him – sick parting gift before he would have tossed Dean away like trash.

Trying to get himself out of the unpleasant memories Dean focused on the present again. It had been two hours now and there was still no sign of Cas. Dean frowned – it wasn’t like Cas to sleep that late – if anything he was the one who was up first trying to beat Dean to the cooking them breakfast. Since Cas had problems with sleep – or if he even slept at all – it wasn’t that hard to beat Dean lately – given how surprisingly well rested he was recently. 

He debated for a moment if he should let Cas sleep some more, but decided against it – if alpha was grumpy Dean was sure he could warm him up in no time, and Dean was bored. There was no one else to hang around with and he really missed Cas.

Not bothering to be quiet he made his way to the Castiel’s bedroom door and knocked, without receiving any reply he tried again – and nothing. There wasn’t even sleepy grunt from the other side or “Go away, Jerk” like Sammy would have whined.

Dean tried the door, but found it locked – again . Why would Cas keep his bedroom locked? There was no one else in their apartment and it had been days since Gabriel last visited. He frowned and tried again, with no different result.

“Cas!” he yelled, but still only silence on the other end.

Starting to get bit worried; he hadn’t seen Cas last night as well- what if he didn’t make it back home – Dean tried his bathroom door, but found it locked as well.

“What the hell, Cas?” he mumbled as metal doorknob refused to move.

Pissed off at being denied entrance- not that he had any right to outright demand it – but Dean still felt like he had been kept away with purpose. Why would Cas- who shared everything with him and constantly tried to be near Dean – why would Cas keep HIM out? It made him uneasy and he didn’t bother to wonder why it pissed him off so much.

It worried his inner omega and Dean tried to shut it up – not his business if Cas needed his privacy, Dean could give him some space.

He spent next few hours doing almost nothing, and pretending to not be worried about Cas when in fact he was anything but. He even cleaned the whole apartment which was clear sign that something was bothering him since it was spotless even before cleaning – Castiel must have done it recently, he figured.

By lunch he returned to the abandoned burgers he had made for breakfast, but could barely eat more than few bites – he just wasn’t hungry. He was interrupted by doorbell and glad for distraction he made his way over to the hall, hoping it was Cas.

Dean didn’t know what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t beta delivery boy,

”Castiel Novak?”

“Um, no, I am his roommate. I don’t know where he is currently or when he will be back.” Dean said.

“Oh, there is this package for him, but I guess I can come back later. We normally wouldn’t deliver on weekends, but seeing as someone orders so essential medications – we have to make exception.” Guy sighed forlornly obviously not very fond of the idea of having to return later.

“I can give it to him,” Dean cursed his curiosity, but dude had practically rubbed it to his nose that this was important – medications, **_what for_** – he wondered. “I’m his roommate.”

The guy hesitated and Dean could practically see his training and job etiquette fighting with his obvious unwillingness to come back later. He eyed Dean up suspiciously, before tossing the package roughly to his hands and headed out mumbling, “It has been paid for”, and left. Dean guessed the guy really didn’t wish to be around longer seeing as his work morals were not the best – if this was so important package – why hadn’t he refused Dean’s offer or given him better instructions – what if Cas really needed those drugs – and guy failed to get them in time. Hell – he didn’t even wait for some signature.

Should he open it – he knew he shouldn’t. Dean had no right to snoop in Cas’s mail and he had no intention to start doing it, though he had to admit he was incredibly curious. He stared intently at the package as if he only glared long enough it would magically reveal all its secrets to him. Since Dean was dumbass who failed to pay any attention to his surroundings it shouldn’t have surprised him when he suddenly lost contact with the ground.

Dean groaned, the carpet had offered only little protection against hard wooden floor and his elbows screamed underneath his weight. He wasn’t badly hurt, but he had accidentally crushed Cas’s package, it now laid uncomfortably under his chest, his weight adding pressure to it. Dean could only hope he had not accidentally broken it – slowly getting up he took better look at the crushed box – and froze. The package was broken and through the crack one word was clear , making blood freeze in his veins.

**_Alpha suppressants_ **

Dean didn’t think, he let panic overwhelm him and without paying any attention to himself and his possible injuries, he threw himself at the Cas’s door with everything he had. He **_needed_** to get to the Cas now – and no door was going to stop him.

It took him few seconds of pointlessly ramming the door to actually gain enough brain power to remember that he was actually **_good_** at picking the locks and immediately started to work. It wasn’t a skill he was proud off, but it could be very useful.

It seemed to take eternity, before he heard the satisfying click and the door gave in.

Carefully he opened it, and stopped, confusion taking place in his mind. It took him some time to figure out what he was seeing, since the opening was blocked by enormous soft mass of greens and blues, which seemed to cover the whole room – and Dean **_did mean whole damn room._**

Belatedly he realized that whole floor was covered in soft pillows and blankets –rising as far from the floor that it reached his chest in some places. He couldn’t make out most of the furniture, which was buried somewhere underneath the heap of blankets, but he could make out the centre of the construction, which seemed to be area where Castiel’s bed used to be.

Dean didn’t waste time with questions and immediately started to crawl towards the centre, hoping to find Cas buried somewhere in the ...whatever this was.

Of course it was empty! Dean’s omega whined in depression and Dean whole heartily agreed with it– this was a disaster. He needed to find Cas! This meant that Dean had to think and not whine like some stupid maiden in distress – where would Cas be?

He looked around, trying to get better guess and hoping to catch some clues. It was hopeless – everything was just covered with the same soft amount of pillows and it made it impossible to see anything that could be useful. How did Cas even use the room anymore? _Nothing is helpful here – how in hell am I supposed to know where Cas is, or what happened to him?_

Refusing to give up easily Dean forced himself to think, so Cas wasn’t here- that was obvious. Cas wasn’t alright- that was also pretty evident from the state of his bedroom and the bottle of horrible confirmation still fisted in his hand.

Dean felt like those two were connected somehow, but he couldn’t figure out **_how_** , apart from pointing out that something was up with Cas. Why was it so hard to put everything together – he fucking lived with Cas – surely he would have noticed shit like that -  shit like...Dean gulped – fucking alpha suppressants.

This stuff should be illegal (it often WAS) – it was as good as killing half of the person, and saying that you “saved” them from the worst. In reality – they mostly just saved the vessel of the person, but killed the individual inside. Why would Cas even consider to do something so fucking stupid? It was as good as giving himself a permanent disability!

He could lose everything, and god knows all the ways this stuff can potentially fuck you up. Dean had heard all kinds of horror stories – people, who just shut down, remaining only empty shell behind. They weren’t natural – everything about them gave Dean creeps. They had no survival instincts, no scent, no nothing! They didn’t live since they didn’t care, they just existed – it was often fate worse than death.

The idea that Cas would even consider something like this came out of nowhere. Why would Cas need stuff like that- he was fine! The perfect and strong alpha with everything he could wish for- so why would he even risk it?

Suddenly it exploded, it all came rushing into Dean’s brain and it was wonder he had failed to see it before – Cas wasn’t fine. **_Alpha suppressants_** – of course, Cas had problems to keeping his alpha under control or even losing the battle.

The flashes of Cas going almost feral, the way he constantly tired to provide, this room – **_the nest_** \- Dean realized with growing horror – it was all about Cas’s alpha desperately manifesting itself. The way he **_needed_** to provide, the way – god, how could Dean have been so stupid – the way Cas **_needed_** to take care of him, **_provide_** for him – and going completely overdrive – how Anna and Gabe had been surprised about Dean’s “joke” about Cas having no ability to get “ ** _right amount of anything_** ” – of course they were surprised – it wasn’t normal for Cas, his alpha was riding him into craziness.

Dean felt like he was the single most stupid person on the planet – and perhaps rightfully so. It was all right under his nose and he had had no clue. No, scratch that- he did have hints – but he never paid enough attention – he didn’t help.

Cas having nightmares? – Dean didn’t know Cas for long, but he DID remember, that Cas certainly did not have those at the beginning of the year. He was always punctual and complained about Dean “wasting food and stuff” – not like he was now.

God, where **WAS** Cas?!

He couldn’t just call Anna and Gabriel – and beg for their help, since “ _I’m freaking out of your brother going crazy and taking alpha suppressants”_ wasn’t the best way to get their attention, without giving them any explanation. True- if Cas was not back for the night – Dean would just not care anymore about that - and he would do all the stupid shit for finding him – like spilling his guts to Cas’s family.

He called Cas’s phone several times, only to get straight to his voicemail and normally Dean would have made fun of his overly formal introduction and exact instructions how to leave voicemail, but not right now.

Dean was so worried that he decided to go looking for Cas – driving aimlessly through the streets and hoping to catch Cas somewhere. Perhaps he was petting some stray animals or feeding ducks? Cas loved to do random shit like that sometimes and Dean found it adorable.

As expected his drive was unsuccessful, Cas remained unseen and Dean was now truly panicking, already making up some bullshit story for Anna and Gabe and his friends to get search party together.

He was so distracted, that he didn’t even notice how Gabriel was pounding on their apartment door, demanding to be let in. Dean halted in surprise and tried to smash a dash of hope building up in his chest.

“Dean, open up, you lazy fuck!” Gabriel demanded as he pounded the door and shook the handle. “I need to get some things to my dear little bro!”

“Like what?” Dean asked, enjoying how Gabriel jumped a little at his unexpected arrival.

The short dude quickly gathered his normal aptitude though and smirked, “Well, since my brother is going to die as virgin, it is my duty to at least try to bring him some temptation along the way.”

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, but Dean was apparently too slow to get what he was implying at, since he carried on.

“He is in rut, you moron,” Gabriel sighed, “and since I‘m the most awesome brother in the world, I am burdening myself with heavy duty to run few of his errands and buy him some new...hmm things.” The last part was added with mischievous glint in his golden eyes, and Dean had pretty good reason to think that Cas would most certainly not enjoy whatever his brother had planned for him.”

“And he trusted you to bring him toys?” he asked incredulously.

“You insult me, Dean-o,” he gasped while pretending to be hurt,” Here I’m, good caring brother, looking for toys and stuff for my baby brothers survival and you so cruelly mock me!”

Dean only raised an eyebrow, clearly doubting anything the short dude had to say – he was sure that Gabriel was last person Cas was willingly asking such help from.

Gabrel glared at him, “Fine, I’m only doing it since Castiel somehow broke all his toys today and he is in fucking pain, alright? He is **_so desperate_** , that he asked **_me_** for help, so will you please let me in?”

In this moment, Dean was feeling few very different things. Part of him wanted to growl and refuse Gabriel, since Dean was Cas’s **_mate_** \- and Cas didn’t need the damn toys! **_He had Dean_** – his omega helpfully supplied. And the thought of Cas in rut, horny and desperate, sweating and fucking everything vigorously, were enough to perk Dean’s interest. He clenched his ass to prevent slick escaping his hole, sifting his weight to hide his rapidly hardening dick. Yes, Dean was very much willing to help Castiel, and the thought didn’t bother him as much as it should have.

The omega in him begged to be let out, to let Cas take him and let him fuck Dean for hours, like they had done in Dean’s heat. Small part of him whined – why hadn’t Cas came for him – why he had locked himself away from Dean ( ** _his mate!_** _)_ and chosen lifeless plastic over flesh and blood willing mate?

Another part of Dean was desperately trying to hide his growing erection and panicked, he couldn’t just let Gabriel into their apartment – especially to the fucking nest in Castiel’s room – how could Dean even begin to explain that?

Trying to remain calm he asked, “And what are you doing here then? If Castiel broke his toys (this shouldn’t sound so hot) – then shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, shopping for new ones?”

Gabriel blinked, apparently taken aback by the statement and stumbled, “Fuck, no wonder no one ever counts on me for help – I always mess up.” Gabriel groaned, “Now I will have to go out and actually buy stuff for my baby alpha brother- and I don’t even know what he needs!”

 ** _ME_** , Dean’s helpful brain immediately supplied, but didn’t say it. His next offer was surprising even to him, but he couldn’t help it, “I can come with you, if you want. I do know what kind of toys alpha will need in his rut, I have enough experience.”

He laughed out loud over obvious relief on Gabriel’s face” Thank god, this way it is not entirely my fault when I buy him wrong stuff- he is so fucking picky. I tried to ask him any suggestions what he might like – but he just looked like he might bite my head off! He just snarled to get it to him NOW and hung up on me.”

This might have been horrible idea, but secret part of Dean wanted to make sure that he at least had some control over what toys he could get for Cas, and perhaps he could prevent whatever disaster Gabriel had in mind – he was just being good friend, right?

It was surprising however, that Gabriel **_did_** try to get necessary stuff first and didn’t immediately head over for furry sparkling pink fleshlights with vampire fangs on them, _Inspired by Edward Cullen_ – Dean winced as he read the tag – he was seriously worried about humanity when they had reached the point to produce most ridiculous sex toys – worse, what if it became a new trend? Dean shuddered at the thought.

They got Cas some toys he could knot, and Dean took time to actually choose stuff he had always wanted for himself while in rut, but never had money to buy – like clenching fake tunnel, which stimulated knot and fancy stuff like that. It was hell to be in the rut with nothing but cheap plastic toys which felt so fake and could barely take the edge of, he knew how much even little extras could make it much more bearable so he made effort to get them to Cas.

“What about those,” Gabriel asked and pointed over the extremely realistic sex dolls, some of which could even produce fake slick.

Instantly Dean hated the idea, **_Cas was his dammit_** , and Dean was not going to let his mate knot some busty omega toy with strawberry-cherry slick. The idea of Cas having sex with not Dean- shaped object was already irritating, but to buy the offensive female omega toy – this was outrageous.

_Wait what? – I can’t believe I’m getting jealous over fucking sex toy._

_Doesn’t matter, it is just a toy for fucks sake!_

_Still, it is not me!_ His omega complained.

 Mad at himself for getting so worked up over stupid thing, he almost considered letting Gabriel buy it. _He is **my** mate!_

_But you are not his, right? You should not have any say in it – unless you want to help him out yourself. This is about **helping** Cas, not forcing him into celibate – it is not like he is going to cheat on you with a sex doll!_

It definitely felt like it though, the mere thought of Cas fucking red headed toy was enough to make Dean want to rip its head off. Stupid toy; with its stupid perfect boobs and perky ass... Oh, that was it! “Fine, get it!” he snarled at Gabriel and forced himself to calm down as Gabe put the stupid thing in the cart.

The thing was fucking offensive and Dean wanted to get rid of it, suddenly an idea came for him, “What if he likes male omegas?”

What the fuck was wrong with him, whether or not the toy had boobs or not shouldn’t really matter, it was bad enough that Cas might actually use it, but he didn’t have to like the toys features that much. Perhaps if it would be more male shaped Dean could pretend that Cas actually wished it would be Dean he was knotting- not some random omega chick.

“Good point,” Gabriel perked up and headed over and to Dean’s ultimate horror returned with blond blue eyed lean omega toy, “look, it can even come – providing alpha with essential nutrients in their rut if you just remember to fill it before giving it to Cassie.” He exclaimed excitedly, “Oh, this is priceless, perhaps I should get few others- after all – my brother may need a lot of nutrients while he is in rut.” He winked at Dean and headed over to get better look at the other overly realistic sex dolls – so he could embarrass shit out of Cas – no doubt.

Great, now Dean will have nightmares about Cas sucking off some stupid toy to get all the  “essential nutrients”, and since Dean was masochist he checked the label on Female’s box – of fucking course - the stupid boobs could be filled with “special nutrient mix for ruts while also providing best erotic pleasure for alphas with lactation kinks.” Or sucking stupid toy’s dick, Dean supposed, to get the same nutrients from there...

He hated how this was something he would have wanted for his own ruts, how much better it would have been than fucking to his own fist which was already raw and sticky of his dried come.

  _It’s for Cas_ he reminded himself and the thought somehow made it even **_worse._**

The pictures of Cas sucking the **_nutrients_** from some toys prick/boobs – Dean really didn’t know which was worse.

It was miracle he allowed Gabriel to buy two toys (not that Dean could have actually stopped him even if he wanted) – both male and female (stupid rich people, who could afford shit like that), and then he was forced to tolerate the agony of listening to cheery sales assistant explain in great detail; **_how to take care of the doll, how to fill it with nutrient packages_**... – Dean swore he was going to punch something the next time he heard the damn word.

If he thought this was torture it only got worse when they were shown different fake slick packages with all those super sweet omega flavours.  He didn’t even pretend to listen when blonde assistant helped Gabriel to pick up several different ones he had to choose from.

They did ask his option, but after he glared murderously at them after their attempts to get his option, they eventually gave up. The stuff didn’t smell right to him anyway – he didn’t know if it was because of his scent bond with Cas or because he was omega in general, but those fake scents were enough to make him gag or smelt like shitty perfume at best.

Yup, this had been horrible idea, why in the world had Dean ever agreed to shop for sex toys for Cas? Worse, ha had fucking volunteered for the stupid task.

After three hours of tolerating this horror, they eventually left the shop with two dolls and several other sex toys which made Dean really uncomfortable. He even considered insisting on buying one extra doll, so he could perhaps secretly live out his anger on it and torture it, but didn’t let this silly impulse control him.

  He was also extremely aware how he had been thinking about “the alpha doll” for omegas in heat. He knew that Cas was going to help him out though – they had talked about it, since supposedly Dean’s heats could be dangerous without alpha – and they had awkward agreement to not risk it. Still he was very curious to try it- get used to the feeling of being filled by growing knot and it would be awesome compromise to not having sex – if he couldn’t get Cas and he wasn’t about to have sex with any other alpha- it would definitely be welcome change from his own hand.

Dean let Gabriel handle the delivery, not trusting himself enough to be around Cas. _Very horny and needy Cas,_ he reminded himself and the thought made him dizzy.

Dean was ashamed to admit that he fingered himself open while thinking about Cas fucking deep into him, knotting him and just taking him instead of those damn toys. He wondered how Cas would take him to his mouth and drink him down, how it would feel to ride Cas and leak slick all over him, mark him as his...

He felt the slick slide out of his ass and he moaned as he added another finger, perhaps he should buy a fucking alpha toy – or really just start having sex with Cas, this felt fucking amazing. Dean wasn’t even ashamed he liked it so much – this was somehow even better than jerking off.  Actually it was too good. He imagined it being Cas fingering him, taking his time with Dean before forcing his knot inside and flooding him with spurts of hot come.

Dean came with rush, flooding his sheets with come and slick, too blessed out to care. He moaned as he the aftershocks were drained from his body and more slick gushed out of his sensitive hole. This he could get used to – the one perk of being omega was the ability to have butt-orgasm many times in row – similar to female vaginal orgasm, which he refused to think about. Still if he could double the pleasure then Dean was going to take full advantage of it.

Only belatedly did he realize that his hole felt strangely empty and he was still unsatisfied despite having just come. It only got worse once he realized that he **_wanted_** an alpha – Cas, to be knotted deep inside of him and cuddle him close – just to be held by his mate.

God, why did it have to be so messed up? Now he actually wanted to get fucked like an omega, he wasn’t too ashamed about that (as long as no one else knew the truth), but how could he bring himself to ask this from Cas?

Yes, Dean was fucking attracted to him, they were mates for fuck sake and they had had sex already while Dean was in heat. Why was it so hard to admit he just wanted the alpha? He wondered if it would have been different if he would still be alpha, but deep down he knew it was not only that- it was **_Cas_**. Ever since he had met Cas, there was only Cas even if Dean had been too stupid to realize that at the time.

Even as alpha, before he and Cas got along, his favourite porn stars had been subtly replaced with new ones- whom just happened to have dark brown hair and blue eyes, if not the chicks then the guy fucking them had gotten replaced with more Cas’s look alike– and Dean had even gone so far that he had searched porn by male star- not looking for his favourite females. It had made him angry, at the time, but it was easiest way to get off and let out some sexual frustration the other alpha caused him. Porn had been safe way to deal with it and get over his unfairly attractive very alpha roommate.

Now it was fucking confusing. He **_wanted_** Cas, in every sense of the word – mate, friend or whatever it was what they had. He got jealous over fucking toys for god sake. He was possessive over his “not-mate-mate”. Dean had absolutely no interest in anyone else and it didn’t occur to him to even try – he simply couldn’t imagine wanting someone else – and now the very thought of Cas dating other people made him want to rip into something.

Dean knew their situation was fucked up, Alastair had made sure of it. So Dean had buried himself under blockers, lies and hidden behind Cas, comfortably ignoring the “mate” stuff between them, acting like he didn’t feel it. But Cas was fucking suffering – and Dean had just let it happen, he didn’t even notice things were so bad for Cas he had ordered fucking suppressants. Dean was totally going to give Cas hell over this, once he was sure his alpha was actually alright enough to take it.

 Sure- Dean was good at avoiding problems and hoping they would just dissolve, but things hadn’t gotten better – well they had- for **_him_** and only because he had been selfish fuck who left Cas to deal with their half- formed mating bond which Dean still couldn’t feel working properly.

For Dean all the bad stuff was safely hidden in the far and vague future- like talking to Sam or someone discovering him – fuck, he was so afraid of inevitable. Sooner or later he would have to face his problem and given how this was affecting Cas- it had to be sooner. Besides perhaps it would be good for him to do this on his own terms and not get busted unexpectedly when he is unprepared for shit hitting the fan.

Yes, it was time to start acting like alpha he used to be, and face shit instead of letting Cas handle all the shit. He really needed to do something about Cas’s situation and make up his mind what he wanted from the alpha and if he was ever willing to act upon it.

Things might not be going perfectly for Dean, but Dean was not about to let Cas ruin his own life over helping Dean to just hide and not overcome his problem – this would ruin both of their lives. It was time to do something about his situation – if only he would have any idea what exactly he needed to do, especially where Cas was involved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has left comments and kodos - you are the reason I have managed to return to this story over so long - refusing to give up on it. Comments and kudos mean the world to me - so I want to thank everyone who has left some.


	24. The Rut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best ch...but it is something...

Castiel was quickly growing frustrated by this rut – and that was saying something considering ruts were always extremely uncomfortable, but this one was taking the cake.

He felt like he was being torn apart by his instincts to fuck everything and his refusal to fuck anything which was not Dean.  At the same time he tried to avoid even thinking about Dean in such impure way- yet thoughts of Dean were only ones that helped to get out any orgasms- as unsatisfying as they were.

By second day his dick was raw from rough treatment, aching between his legs as he rutted against matters and tired to keep his mind blank.

His alpha seemed to be equally frustrated and confused by this whole ordeal, aware of some of his reasoning’s and adding its own to the mess. It missed their mate and was disgusted by the idea that they had locked themselves away from their mate, instead of keeping them safe and in their nest. While it had vague awareness that Castiel considered himself to be threat somehow – his alpha was constantly whining in pain from its inability to really understand why it was being denied its mate yet again.

It was made much worse once their bond had been unexpectedly crashed open with Dean’s overwhelming panic – which in return freaked Castiel out completely, and he lost all conscious though as he threw himself at the metal door which was keeping it from his mate. Only once Dean had calmed down enough few hours later did Castiel discover that his hands where dripping from blood and there were hand shaped dents in the metal door. It hurt as hell and he suspected he might have even fractured few fingers – but they would be fine soon with his ultra fast healing ability alphas were graced with. It only mattered that Dean would be safe.

He had no idea what had caused this strong reaction from his mate, but it had been enough for him to live out his frustration in the next painful rut wave – during which he unsurprisingly managed to physically break all of his toys. He wished to say it had only been accident that the toys had been too old and fragile, but he suspected his alpha might have taken small satisfaction in breaking  the offensive things.

Still it left him without any means to get off – no matter how badly he tried with his own hand it only ended up in getting fucking blisters on his dick – thanks to his dry and rough treatment, which made it much more painful once next wave hit. His dick was burning and too sensitive to even touch it – and the fake scentless lube had run out long time ago. Which was surprising since this amount should have lasted for entire rut – not only for one day.

Frustrated he had managed to sent SOS message for Gabe of all people, asking for him to get him new supplies he needed for his rut and settled down to wait. He was too tired to feel sorry about the way he had snarled at beta, knowing that he will likely pay the price in the shape of most embarrassing sex toys his brother can find.

So instead of fucking himself in every imaginable way possible, Castiel tried to think about what was happening with Dean – what had caused such negative panic reaction before? Had he been in danger? Those thoughts did absolutely nothing, to make him feel any better, but they were only non-arousing thoughts he could get his alpha mind to focus on.

Castiel let his alpha to emerge in those worrying images, taking small relief from not having to deal with painful erection which was still stubbornly standing, refusing to go down even a bit, despite his best efforts.

Since it took forever for Gabriel to get back from his errand run, Castiel kept his mind focused on brief glimpses he could get from Dean, if their bond allowed it. To his relief Dean seemed to be much calmer than before, but was interestingly embarrassed about something and then Castiel got flooded with possessive feelings which in turn triggered his own similar reactions- what was Dean so possessive over- was there someone else? He wanted to find out, but was too terrified of the honest answer – he had no claim over Dean , thought which of course caused his alpha to feel extremely possessive over the very idea of Dean belonging to someone else.

It took him while to get a grip over his instincts and get few hours of much needed sleep.

***

 

Castiel was jerked awake by the noise near the door- which perked up his alpha instantly, ready to face whatever threat this possible noise could bring along.

 Seeing Gabriel brought him only small relief- until he noticed the huge boxes his brother was carrying in the cart – what on earth had Gabe gotten him that it would be large enough to not fit into the sport bag?

Perhaps he should have been more terrified over the idea of letting Gabe handle the rut supplies than he originally was. He could only hope that Gabriel hadn’t gotten him something too embarrassing- scratch that- Castiel would be lucky if his brother had gotten him anything useful at all, knowing Gabe he could have easily bought him fluffy handcuffs which would not help him with the rut at all. Apart from using them to bind his hands so he would be unable to harm his poor dick any further.

“Hey, Cassie! Look at all the stuff I got you!” Gabe greeted him gleefully and Castiel tried to keep his face in hopefully not horrified expression. 

“What took you so long?” He spat, and was immediately ashamed of his lack of manners. His rut made him more irritated than usual and he could not completely surpass his instincts to dominate over the beta. It was only thanks to the fact that they were family that his alpha even allowed Gabe this close – any other one would have already found them in fight with raged alpha.

It actually showed insane amount of trust his brother had in him to get in the same room with him right now- that, or Gabriel’s utter lack of survival instincts. Alpha in rut could snap at even closest family members, and while Castiel had never outright harmed his family during this time, there had been some close calls.

Still he made attempt to apologize, and while he couldn’t get the words out to express his apology it must have been clear enough on his face as Gabriel’s features softened.

“I know you can’t help it right now bro, I just wanted to help you.” Gabriel said and then to Castiels surprise beta bared his neck to him in display of submission.

In any other time Gabriel would use all excuses to annoy him or enjoy the opportunity to embarrass Castiel over the sex toys and all the obscene suggestions what Castiel should do with them, but he was smart enough to not make any of those remarks now.

Growling his approval Castiel carefully made his way to the cart Gabriel had brought with him.

“Is there anything in there, that might make me lash out on you in my current incapability to understand your humorous attempts to make fun or embarrass me?” He asked while pointing at the cart, he really did not know if he could control himself if there would be something his alpha deemed offensive.

“Um, I don’t think so?” Gabriel said as he lowered his eyes from Castiel’s intense stare, “Believe it or not, but I actually tried to get you useful stuff, Cassie.”

Castiel’s doubt must have shown since Gabriel gulped and confessed, “I actually even brought Dean along – he helped me to pick stuff what alpha might need in rut, despite ruining my opportunity to mess with you Cassie. I do actually care for you.”

Castiel was dumbfounded, normally the confession would have made him say something, but all he could think about was Dean helping Gabe pick up sex toys for him. Suddenly his mind was flooded with different images and fantasies how Dean must have approved of those toys- so they couldn’t be that bad.

Knowing, that his mate had picked them for him also satisfied his wolf to the point where Castiel could be almost sure that he would not take any offence if he managed to find something embarrassing – well, as much more embarrassing than it could be despite the fact they were sex toys his brother bought him. If Dean had been the one to choose some of them – alpha would never feel insulted, they were gifts from their mate after all – they would be perfect.

Curious of what they had gotten for him he made his way over to the cart and picked up one of the huge boxes and let out surprised gasp.

In the box he was holding was huge realistic sex robot. It was male with dark blond hair, and blue eyes, which Castiel tried to not focus on, since he longed to see the leaf green, instead of light blue shade of its eyes. Despite the doll having almost no resemblance with Dean’s beautiful features it was still fancier than anything Castiel had used before in his rut. Yes, this would be much better than stupid fleshlight which he had broken.

He was so lost in his fantasies how he might use this as Gabe carefully coughed to get his attention, “Do you like it?” Before Castiel could answer Gabriel turned around the other box and revealed the female doll – which immediately displeased Castiel and his alpha.

“No.” He gritted out, he was not allowing this thing into the room – it was already bad enough he had to pretend this male doll was his mate he was desperate to have, but at least it had familiar masculine form. This thing Gabe had brought him had none of the features Castiel was looking for.

“Take it away – I will not tolerate its presence in this room.” He knew he was being impossible, normally he would have just kept the box and gotten rid of it on first opportunity, but something inside Castiel demanded that he made it very clear he was not interested in anything other than his mate – even if doll was closest he could get to having him.

His aggression must have leaked into his scent and suddenly Castiel froze. While Gabriel was beta and therefore not as sensitive to his scent, Castiel was still part of his family and while in rut he had completely forgotten to take his scent blockers which hid his new scent.

Quickly he grabbed the first artificial slick package and tore into it, covering himself in obnoxious flowery scent, which made him want to rub off every inch where it touched his skin, but forced his instincts down. He could only hope Gabe had not paid attention to his scent in first place and now he could blame it on the lubricant he had managed to cover himself with.

“Wow, eager much?” Gabe asked with mischievous glint in his eye, and Castiel really needed his brother to leave, before he managed to do something stupid.

He kept his breath for few moments, hoping to calm down a bit and get a break from flowery scent which was making it hard to breathe. He also needed Gabe to get lost with the female doll like fucking yesterday.

“Please leave – and take the female thing with you, I can assure you I will not have any use for it.”

Gabe seemed bit surprised by this new information, and Castiel suspected he will ask about his preferences later, but right now he couldn’t care less.

Amazingly Gabe obeyed throwing everything but female doll out of the cart for Castiel to use and turned to leave, “Oh, and you better use all the possibilities with this doll – there are some interesting extra features which might bring you pleasure.” He said and left to the empty space between the hall and this rut chamber.

 The room was built so if anyone was visiting, they would not be let in or out before the inner door to the apartment was sealed, only then they could contact guard and once they made sure that the person leaving was not alpha in rut the outside door opened and they could leave- all so the alphas in rut could not get out and cause panic on campus.

The alpha was not allowed out before they were completed their rut and during this time only family and mates were allowed to visit. While the apartment was simple, it had all the basic things alphas could need while in rut, and food was delivered through dumbwaiter to guarantee safety of the employees and not disturb alphas in their vulnerable state.

Castiel mostly had ignored the food and had sent it back up, while he knew he had to eat he simply forget it in daze of his rut. Which was why it was such a pleasant surprise do discover the extra features Gabe had talked about. He could fill the doll with them, and the substance had all the essential nutrients and vitamins and much needed water intake he was normally deprived of his rut. He was not quite sure if he liked it, but he knew this was more likely to happen this way than the chance he actually would bother to get the food from the dumbwaiter. 

Besides this way he could imagine that he is pleasuring his mate, eating him out with his tongue and licking up his slick, while he devoured him, so it was at least interesting way to eat.

It took him some time to get the doll prepared, but didn’t touch it yet, deciding to take shower instead. The scent of the flowery slick he had opened before was making him gag and the package he had filled the doll with also didn’t smell quite right, but was not as off-putting as slick on his body.

He took the cold shower in hopes to prevent any arousal and give his tender cock some much needed rest.

Once finished he cleaned the room best he could and made sure he had everything he might need within reach. Then he decided to get some sleep before the next wave hit and he was reduced to mindless fucking machine once again.

 

***

Next following days passed in similar misery. While he made use of his new favourite toy, it was barely enough to get any orgasms out of him. His alpha not fooled by this poorly mate shaped object and longed for Dean.

While the doll was enough to relieve worst of his rut it made him feel guilty how he imagined it to be Dean he sucked down his throat to drink his essence. How it was Dean clenching around his knot and milking him from his orgasms, or how it was Dean he cuddled close to his body in attempt to protect him from the world.

There were moments when he got carried away in his lust, imaging all the ways he could have Dean and how he could give him pleasure, but then he catered enough senses to remember that it might never happen and made him feel guilty and dirty for even entertaining such silly ideas.

He missed Dean and he could feel constant stretch from being away from him – both physically and mentally. While his basic instincts craved nothing more than to have warm body in his arms he was also constantly reminded off the emptiness inside of him, where their bond was supposed to be.

Castiel could not decide which was worse, the dark painful void it left somewhere in his chest on the moments he was denied the connection or the moments when Dean opened up the bond and flooded it with overwhelming longing and desire.

It made it so much harder to convince himself that there was no hope for them, and it made his alpha utterly miserable and euphoric at the same time.

It was in agony from being unable to get to their mate who was clearly asking for its presence, frustrated that their mate was left alone and longing for them, but part of it was also marvelling in the feeling of getting to feel their connection and being allowed the access to their mate’s feelings – even if they were causing him pain.

Castiel tried to dash down all hopes that were creeping up in him, fantasies where Dean really wanted him and accept him as mate. It was so confusing to know that Dean did not wish to mate him, but yet feel his longing so clearly and sometimes even his desire.

Once the later filled the connection Castiel was immediately hit with the need to bury himself into Dean and claim him as his own, and wasted no time as rut demanded his attention with fierce burning need which made him take the doll and drown himself in fantasies of Dean as he rutted into the wet welcoming hole and relishing in the pleasure it brought him, as bond feed him the desire and hunger Dean felt for him – only for it to be taken away as abruptly as it started, instantly killing his orgasmic pleasure as the bond was snapped close from him once again.

It was always like physical punch to his chest – the feeling of being cut from his mate in such brutal way, and Castiel could not help the tears falling from his eyes as he cried over the loss of his mate, small rejections which tore to his very being and shattered his feelings along with his hopes and dreams.

It was cruellest thing about their dysfunctional bond – it sprang to life, promising everything Castiel had ever wanted – filled him with hopes and promises and comfort of the mate – and then it was ripped from his arms over and over again, reminding Castiel that he could never have it.

Just like fate had given him true mate – and then twisted it so that he could only be mocked of the feeling of something he should have had – what Dean should have had, but then it was taken away from them, leaving them with messed up shadow and fantasies what could have been.  Their bond was living reminder how things were between them – something they almost had and both wanted – yet were constantly denied.

So Castiel let it out, crying on the shoulder of the lifeless toy as he waited his knot to go down – just like his bond with Dean currently was- shut from him - cold and empty and lifeless.

He had no idea how long he stayed like that, weeping over the stiff figure under him, and clinging desperately for any comfort he could find – and just as he had given up, the bond decided to mock him once again and the bond flared to life – this time more intensely than it ever had before, completely consuming Castiel with force that nearly knocked him out and filled him with hopelessness, grief, anger and overwhelming panic as the bond was literally sucking the alpha out of him – ripped him from the connection he had with his inner animal as it disappeared to the turmoil coming from Dean.

  _Something was terribly wrong,_ was all Castiel’ could think about as he lost consciousness with last remaining connections with his alpha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...I'm not sorry for the cliffhanger...it was either going to be in this ch or in the next...and if it had been in the next ch - it would have been thousand times worse ( trust me)....even I am not THAT evil...


	25. The Claim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit - - - > Fan

Like every day since Cas’s rut started, Dean woke up grumpily and grabbed himself quick breakfast. He didn’t bother with actually making anything, since their kitchen was strangely quiet and empty in Cas’s absence; their whole apartment was.

Was it this empty before Cas had moved in? Dean couldn’t remember. All he knew was that he had managed just fine until Cas had moved in with him, then he had this phase where he would have done anything to get rid of other alpha, and now that they actually got along Dean was struggling to spend his time alone here – it just didn’t feel like _home_ without Cas quiet presence.

It made Dean grumpy and he often found himself missing Cas, but was too annoyed to want someone else’s company – like his friends. They would only ask what had gotten his panties in the twist and try to cheer him up.

It wasn’t like Dean could not function without Cas, no – he was perfectly capable to get through his days, but it made him realise how close he had gotten with Cas. It also left him time to think about Cas’s obvious problems regarding their situation.

During the week, Dean had taken time to finally think things through – what he was able to give Cas and how to deal the mess he had made of his life. It was quickly coming clear to him that in all of his fantasies he always chose Cas over his own status or family drama, whether it be as friend or mate, he wanted to keep Cas in his life, not giving shit what anyone might say about it. Well, Dean **_did care_** about what Sammy thought, he really wanted Sammy to accept Cas as someone important in Deans life and perhaps even come out as omega to him – not now of course, but eventually it would be a good thing to get out of his system.

He didn’t entertain such thoughts about his father though, he knew better. His whole life he had tried so hard to earn the man’s approval, but he had never been enough anyway – even if he was at his best behaviour and actually _tried_. No, Sammy was always the one served for great things according to his father, and Dean was only good for looking after his brother and obeying his father.

It terrified Dean that in the short time he had came to know Castiel he was already sure that he would choose Cas over his father every single time. It was simple really – man he had adored and looked up to his entire life had died on the night flames claimed his mother, and John had never been same since then. In the end of the day, facts remained the same- even if Dean would somehow require his alpha status back, things between him and John would still be tense, his father would never look at him with pride anyway – that was reserved for Sammy.

So while Dean was not exactly looking forward to possibility of losing his father, it was something he had actually done a long time ago – the moment his mother died. That only left Sammy. Dean really didn’t know how Sammy would take the news about his new gender or wherever Cas was concerned – but he had to try.

Sammy would probably be fine with Cas if Dean told him he had found his true mate- Sammy was sucker for such romantic things and Dean could only hope it might soften him up enough to give Cas a chance. The only question was whether or not Dean should spill his guts about everything and pray that Sam would accept him regardless.

He had no idea what views Sam held about male omegas, few months ago Dean would have sworn that since Sammy was also raised to hate them with every fibber in his body, Sam would immediately resent Dean and cut all contact between them, but now he was not sure.

Sammy had always been the smart one. He dared to question John’s methods and was likely to have his own option about them. Perhaps he was immune to John’s faulty upbringing and was actually smart enough to see what Dean had been too afraid to admit – that their father was completely wrong about male omegas. No one knew better than Dean. It gave Dean hope – surely his brother had seen through their fathers bigoted views and had simply shut his mouth to keep out of fights?

But what if Dean was wrong, what if he truly did hate male omegas and shared their father’s views? Would he hate Dean enough to disown him as family member? It scared the shit out of Dean – he would have to carefully bring this up in a conversation – just to test Sammy’s views on the subject. Perhaps Dean could say that he made a male omega friend and this would reveal how Sammy felt about them? It was kind of shifty plan, but better than risking his whole relationship with his brother.

Anyway Dean would have to get his stuff out of their house anyway – there was no way he could stay there any longer, even for the summer. The risk to get caught by their father or explain why he was using blockers would make the man too suspicious. Sammy would also figure it out – the kid was too smart and had annoying habit of putting his nose into Dean’s business. So Dean needed new place to stay while he was not in the school. Where could he even go?

He briefly considered moving in with Cas, but quickly tossed the idea aside. It wouldn’t be fair to make such a decision without talking about it with Cas first and Dean really needed to make some kind of resolution about their relationship before he could ask such a thing. It wouldn’t be fair to Cas if Dean would just use him as shelter and roommate, giving the alpha false hope while Dean was too much coward to decide if he wanted to pursue this relationship or not.

Dean didn’t have any relatives or friends he could turn to, and he hated to admit that he was not completely ready to make his own way in the world yet. That left him with only one person he could turn for, and the idea made Dean smile. Sure, Bobby was grumpy old beta, old friend of their father, but Dean was pretty sure Bobby would kill John in person if he even tried to harm Dean due to being an omega.

When Dean was little and unpresented, he often had nightmares what their father would do if he happened to be an omega.  John had made it clear that no son of his will ever be damn bitch and naturally Dean had been worried about the possibility. He thought he had made good face and hidden his fears from everyone, but of course old beta didn’t buy his shit while they were staying over his house as John had left for fishing trip ( which Dean was pretty sure was actually code word for “ not having to give crap about kids and freedom to drink all I want.”).

Dean had gotten sick this summer, developing high fever and was sweating awfully. He could almost swear he had felt the dampness in his boxers and he had been so terrified about presenting as omega. Of course it was just sweat which occurred as he came down from his fever, but the panic had been enough to cause him to scream out loud.

Thankfully Sammy had been in the different room to keep him from getting ill also, but Bobby had been there and didn’t leave Dean before he had unwillingly admitted that he had feared he had presented as omega.

“ _And what is wrong with being an omega, boy?”_ The man had asked and Dean had been left dumbfounded as how he was even supposed to reply? Surely Bobby was aware how bad male omegas were – how it would mean that Dean was devil’s spawn and he would be the embodiment of the evil.

He didn’t get to explain though, he had only mentioned his father, and Bobby had growled and cut him off. He also surprised Dean with promise, “If you ever present as omega then you just come here – I promise you that no one will harm you here and you are always welcome, omega or not.” The old beta had smiled kindly upon Dean as he ruffled his damp hair, “I don’t give crap about what you present as – you could end up as freaking squirrel, and I wouldn’t care, you are still my son.”

Dean hadn’t understood why anyone would be so kind towards the beings that his father considered too low to even be animals, but it was enough to soothe his fears over himself and Sammy, as Dean would never give up on Sammy even if he would somehow mistakenly present as omega.

God, he had been so stupid.

Smiling to himself he picked up his phone, he had call to make.

 

***

 

Things were going  a lot better, as expected with Bobby. The beta had called him “idjit” for numerous times and though Dean could tell he was curious as to WHY Dean wanted to stay over in his place during summer instead of going home, he had grumpily accepted when Dean told him that he would explain everything once they met face to face and beta had even agreed to keep this from his father- which was more than Dean could have dared to hope for.

Dean was not particularly looking forward to his big revelation, but he was sure the old grump would cover his back, as Bobby was basically huge ball of fluff inside his grouchy old shell. If anything he would give Dean shit over “not immediately turning for him for help”, (In fact Dean could count on it), but Dean could live with that – besides, it wasn’t exactly phone conversation topic.

His speak with Bobby had taken away huge burden he had been carrying on his shoulders, without even being aware of having it in first place.

That left only Sammy to deal with.

Dean stared at his Skype contact list, and green little mark which told him, that Sammy was online, before he actually dared to click on call button. He almost hoped that Sammy would be too busy to accept the call – the little nerd surely had some homework to do. ( _It is for debate group Dean! This is important_ ). But as his bad luck would have it the call was accepted and Dean was staring at his brother on the screen.

It completely threw Dean off guard, which was stupid since he was the one to initiate the call, but now looking at his brother’s floppy hair and toothy grin, all he managed to get out was,

“You need a haircut”. Which was actually true, Dean had no idea why Sam insisted on growing out his hair so it almost reached his shoulders.

“Shut up, jerk!” Sammy snapped at him which greatly helped to calm down Dean’s nerves. The familiar bickering between them was exactly what he needed to remember, that this was his annoying little brother, who cried over puppies and spent all his free time talking about social justice systems – hell, Dean was pretty sure he had absolutely nothing to worry about. Besides, it wasn’t like Sammy could actually scent him through the screen and ask about his blockers.

 “What’s up, baby bro? It has been awhile since we last talked.” Come to think of it – it was actually weird; it **_had been_** quite some time from their last call, three weeks at least, normally they used to call at least few times per week.

Dean knew why he had been avoiding calling, he was too busy worrying over Cas or himself to call, terrified Sammy might pick up that something was going on with him, but it wasn’t like Sammy to allow Dean this privacy. Normally Dean would have expected dozens of missed calls or messages with “Don’t ignore me, Dean!”, but surprisingly there had been none. It was as if both of them had made silent agreement to keep their distance, and it didn’t sit right with Dean.

While he was not complaining about the way Sammy couldn’t suspect something was up with Dean – it also left Dean out of the loop and it was his duty as big brother to know absolutely everything there was to know about Sammy. How else was he supposed to protect him – or tease the shit out of him over his adorable crush on Jess?

It only got worse as Dean noticed the way Sammy shifted uncomfortably on his seat and avoided looking straight at the camera, it even got so bad, that Sam looked around as if checking on something. Dean might not have been sharpest pencil in the drawer, but he knew Sammy well enough to know that his brother was hiding something.

“What is going on Sammy? Spit it out!” He demanded. Immediately his mind was conjuring up all the things that might have been wrong at home. They could be short on money (who was he kidding –  they were always short on money), or his father might have disappeared again for indefinite amount of time – possibly both.

“Um...” Sammy said and then shut his mouth, without offering more information.” Instead he started to twitch even worse and Dean almost thought that Sammy actually considered hanging up on him – which would have been stupid, since Sammy had to know that Dean would just get his baby and drive nonstop until he could get it out of Sammy in person.

Sammy must have reached the same conclusion as he actually sighed and made his best puppy dog eyes impression. Shit – this meant he was most likely going to ask something he knew Dean would not approve off. Dean really needed to build up tolerance against puppy eyed looks – so far Sammy got away with all the stupid shit, since Dean just couldn’t say no to those pleading eyes – it felt worse than throwing punch of kittens in the could autumn rain. Not that he would know, but still.

Still he couldn’t let Sam know that, so he frowned in question, waiting for Sam to get it out.

“I got accepted to pre law studying program, starting this summer.” He finally said, but he didn’t look too happy about it – which was wrong, since it was totally amazing.

This was not what Dean had expected. “This is fantastic good news, Sammy! I’m so proud of you.” Dean knew Sammy was going to be a great lawyer one day; it wasn’t surprising at all that Sammy had gotten in the program while he was still in high school. “Have you told dad yet? He must be so proud over you Sammy! Damn, I should come home and we should celebrate...”

He was cut off as Sammy interrupted,” I haven’t told dad yet, or anyone for that matter.”

“Why the hell not? This is fantastic Sammy – you can’t just pass opportunity like this!” Dean exclaimed.

Dean was not about to let his brother pass up best opportunity he was ever likely to get. Dean was going to make sure Sammy was going, even if he had to drag his brother there in person and fight his father along the way. Nothing in the world was going to spoil this great chance Sammy had been given.

Sam looked extremely uncomfortable by now; even more so than he previously had looked. “I haven’t told dad, since all he would care about is how much it is gonna cost – and while I got full scholarship I will still need to cover some of the living expenses. “

“I will cover it.” Dean offered immediately. He would work his ass off if it meant that Sammy got to go – he was right, dad was not going to pay for it, but Dean was not above using Castiel’s credit which Cas had made for him if he couldn’t come up with the money himself so fast. He was going to pay Cas back of course, but if it was the only way to come out with the money so fast, then Dean was totally going to use the card Cas had given him “ _Spend as much as you want Dean, don’t worry about the limit”_. Dean had only accepted the card to not offend Cas, he had no intention to ever use it, but this was an emergency.

Sam actually gaped at him, “I can’t ask you to do that! This might get really expensive Dean, I have already considered starting to work beside the school to cover some of it, but no one is hiring around here – I can’t ask you to give away all your hard earned money.”

Dean was not about to tell him, that main reason he worked his ass off was only because he was putting money aside for Sammy. Sammy deserved best education and Dean had been thirteen since he started to collect money for Sammy’s college fund. Working in Bobby’s garage over the summers and getting odd jobs whenever he could. Mowing lawns for old ladies and stuff like that. Well, Sammy’s college fond and also money to pay the bills in case their father left them with no money to get by.

“You are going Sammy, this is non-negotiable. So you better start packing your stuff for summer of your life.”  Dean smirked at Sammy’s ultimate bitch face, his brother knew better than actually start to fight over this, especially since they both knew that Sammy really wanted to go.

The war was obvious on Sammy’s face, the relief over the opportunity to actually go and guilt over asking money from Dean, still Dean would absolutely insist on him going, and Sammy knew that. “So you can tell dad now that this is fixed. Now he can find no reason for you to stay home.”

It was only half-true though; knowing dad he might always find something to disapprove off, but Dean was in too good mood to give a crap right now. His brother was going to live his dream and Dean got to help him achieve it. It was good to feel needed, like he mattered.

“There is actually something else that I might have failed to mention before.” Sammy’s voice turned pleading and he turned his puppy eyes to the max. Dammit – Dean should have known there was catch somewhere.

“This law program is one of the best all over the country, and I really wanted to go. I got accepted to the male omega rights and discrimination department, which is really big deal since it is the most difficult one to get into. The laws regarding them are still weak and there are loopholes everywhere, so naturally I love the challenge...and I know what you and dad think about them, but Dean, I really want to help them.”

If lightning would have stroked Dean this very moment, he couldn’t have been more surprised. This was impossible! Out of all the ways he imagined how to get to know Sammy’s views regarding male omegas, out of all the lies Dean had came up with to get to know Sam’s option this wasn’t one of them. Lucky things like that did not happen to him – this had to be some kind of joke.

“Are you fucking kidding me!”Apparently he had spoken the last bit out loud, since Sammy’s face fell instantly.

“I understand if you have changed your mind. I will decline my place and just apply next year to different program...” his brother was hurting and Dean had been the one to break Sammy’s dream. Of course Sammy had gotten wrong idea. Had he really been so much bigoted asshole like his father, that his own brother thought him incapable to feel any compassion over abused omegas? He really preferred to not know the honest answer, since ugly little voice in his mind told him, that he was right – Dean _had been_ every bit of the asshole Sammy believed him to be.

“Of course you are going Sammy. This is good opportunity and if you are really interested in male omega rights then I see no reason to hold you back!” It warmed Dean’s heart to know that his brother cared so much – he was brave enough to apply to the program he really wanted, despite knowing how much it would cause trouble with his family. Dean was fucking proud of the kid.

It was entirely worth it as bright disbelieving smile flashed on Sammy’s face,

“Are you serious, Dean? You don’t mind that this is about male omegas? I know that you and dad pretty much hate them, but I really want to specialize in their rights.” 

Dean gulped, there was his chance to tell Sammy some things he had been hiding himself, but he was not about to ramble his whole life changing experience, and how he had recently had to change his mind about all the crap their father had thought them about male omegas.

“Well, let’s just say that I might have gotten some enlightenment recently about male omegas and, yeah...don’t tell dad, but I am actually really proud you have chosen them as your speciality.” This was best Dean could say right now, and he couldn’t hold back answering grin from his face as Sammy’s whole face lit up.

 Huge relief washed over Dean – now he knew that his brother was indeed the man he had hoped him to be and part of his worries about Sam resenting him for his gender washed away in this moment. How had he even thought otherwise – Sammy was too kind to be jerk like that.

They talked awhile about the program and Dean enjoyed watching as Sam nerded out over big words and laws, while carefully dodging the subject what had caused the change in his own heart about male omegas.

Every time Sam tried to ask about why Dean had changed his mind, Dean just came up with random bullshit how being in college had opened his eyes (not entirely a lie anyway), and quickly asked more questions about law program to shut Sammy up. It worked and over a long time Dean got to enjoy just speaking with his baby brother and with each time Sam mentioned “They are just like us Dean! They deserve to get equal treatment!”, Dean got the confirmation he so desperately needed – yes, there was no reason to worry that Sammy might resent his new gender.

This night Dean went to sleep with smile on his face feeling like a small sun had settled beneath his ribs, he only wished that he could share this with Cas.

 

***

 

Next two days Dean’s mood had seriously improved. He still felt sharply Cas’s absence, but he was actually taking steps to help Cas and fix their situation, so he felt better than he had in a very long time.

Dean had space at Bobby’s any time he might need it, and he had awesome little brother who had really big heart. It was like all the problems Dean had imagined would destroy his life completely were slowly fixing themselves to place and outcome was surprisingly good.

It was not ideal or some magic solution. Dean still had to make lot of decisions and preparations, before he would be ready to tell them the truth, but he was slowly getting there. The idea didn’t frighten him nearly so much anymore and he wasn’t plagued with worries over Sam hating him.

No, despite his shitty situation he actually got to have some good things in his life. Currently this was best outcome he dared to hope for. Dean was getting to keep Sammy in his life and he did have a place to call home, that only left him with his Cas problem, and Dean was pretty sure he had already decided what he was going to do about that.

This was whole new uncharted area and it was scary as hell, but Dean could not imagine his life without Cas in it. Sure he might not be ready for some deep romantic stuff for a while, but seeing as they had already had sex marathon during his heat, and how the very idea of Cas being with someone else made Dean vicious enough to plot a murder ( that including damn sex toys), he was not ready to let Cas go. Dean would rather have Cas in his life in all the possible ways, take whatever pleasure he can despite his recent gender change – and weirdly he didn’t feel like his gender had much to do about their relationship.

Sure Cas got possessive and protective over him, and was constantly trying to take care of Dean, but this was only natural alpha instinct and it wasn’t like Dean didn’t retaliate. Dean discovered just being possessive or protective over said mate was _not_ only alpha trait, and when it came down to the need to take care of Cas, then Dean was really no different. Perhaps this wasn’t alpha/omega stuff, but just the general “mate” stuff they were dealing with.

Sure they had this whole claiming thing and bond thing to figure out, but things had already gotten to point of no return. Dean could not imagine staying with Cas as only a friend – it was already hard to distinguish the border between their friendship and the other feelings stuff, and Dean knew they were only lying to themselves if they thought they could just happily remain friends for the rest of their lives and forget about everything else.

Not to mention that Dean _needed_ Cas to get over his heats and he actually found himself yearning for the alpha’s company whether sexual or just general closeness and feelings of safety and home Cas’s presence brought up. Dean was also very aware how even the slightest touches were enough to spark electricity whenever they touched, or how they sometimes got so lost in each other eyes that they found themselves staring for immeasurable amount of time, before one of them broke the gaze.

Dean knew firsthand how much he sometimes wished to just hold Cas or be held by him, but it had always seemed like going to the relationship area and he hadn’t wanted to give Cas any false hope.

And a good job he had done, he thought bitterly. It was obvious that they were both yearning for more, but neither one of them dared to make a move. Dean because he had so many fears holding him back, and Cas seemed too terrified to scare Dean off to even risk making Dean uncomfortable. To think that they would remain as friends and deny all their feelings, despite their mutual attraction was foolish and Dean was finally ready to admit that. It already put unnecessary strain on their friendship and it only managed to hurt them both.

Dean was miserable in his problems, half of which could be over if he would just let Cas in and face that he was fucking interested in Cas – _so what, get over it_! And Cas was clearly having problems with his alpha instincts if things had gone bad enough for him to start nesting and actually bought fucking alpha suppressants to keep himself in check.

Dean was totally going to tear him a new one for the later, he couldn’t believe that Cas hadn’t mentioned how badly their bond was affecting him. And Dean felt surge of guilt washing over him as he realized that he was as much to blame for it – it wasn’t like Dean had been paying enough attention to even realize how badly Cas was suffering, too relaxed in his comfort zone to notice. Fuck, it was yet another sign how they could never actually “just stay friends” it wasn’t already working out for them.

Come to think of it, what was holding Dean back anymore? It wasn’t like he resented Cas for being alpha or had any problem with being with Cas – well, he had no problems with Cas as a person at least. He didn’t even consider his father into equation anymore since their relationship was as well as over anyway. Sammy would be elated and would probably love Cas, and if he would discover true mate stuff, Dean would have to be actually careful so Sammy wouldn’t move in with them so he could make them his new lifetime project. “ _Scientific proof of the existence of the true mates, despite the gender_ ” or something equally horrifying, Dean didn’t doubt that Sammy would use every opportunity to ask questions about their bond and how they felt towards each other. The ultimate horror of Dean’s life- “ _Let’s talk about feelings_ ”, mixed with Sammy’s puppy eyed look so Dean would have no other choice, but obey.

The draw was undeniable, despite not feeling any effects of their half-formed bond – Dean was already attuned to Cas – like he had some sort of sixth sense especially for Cas. He felt good in Cas’s presence, and he had never had a friend he was more comfortable with, some ways even more comfortable than with Sammy. Add physical attraction to the mix and it was pretty clear what Dean wanted, despite their messed up situation Dean really wanted to be with Cas even if the idea of relationship was so new to him.

Dean didn’t normally do well with relationships. So far he had been “love them and leave them” type, searching for good time and warm body to share his own with.  So far no one had wanted something more with Dean and his only attempt to get into relationship had been thrown to his face as Cassie rejected him – it had been enough to scare Dean off from forming any sort of emotional attachment. Things with Cas were different though, he wasn’t someone Dean could just leave behind and he really didn’t want to – and something inside of him was pretty sure that Cas would be more than willing to try.

Dean wanted to experience all the small things with Cas, making waffles together, spending lazy Sunday mornings in their boxer briefs while they are cuddling on the sofa or have ardent arguments over which TV- channel to watch (Dean was totally going to win this one), he wanted to fight over the stupid blanket and all the relationship stuff couples always complained about, but secretly loved. He wanted to know everything there was about Cas and he wanted to share himself with Cas without having to put up stupid limits to their relationship.

Seriously – did he really think either of them would ever be satisfied with “Let’s have only necessary heat sex” and other times we can jerk off and just fantasise about each other while keeping up pretence of friendship?

 Dean didn’t want that – if he was going to try this with Cas he was willing to try to do the whole thing, even if it scared him shitless.

He was very aware that it was likely that he would stay as omega in this relationship and he had no idea what to do about that. Then again – it was also extremely likely that he was going to stay as an omega _anyway_ – so why throw away only comfort he could find, with only person who made the idea bearable.  Even if by some miracle they would manage to restore Dean’s alpha gender – Dean didn’t think he could or would even want to end his relationship with Cas. By society’s standards it was actually better if he would remain omega as relationships between two alphas were extremely rare – not that Dean would care about that. And if Dean was willing to have relationship with Cas regardless of his gender – then it didn’t actually matter so much that he was omega - it was about THEM as persons, not their secondary genders.

It wasn’t something he was entirely comfortable with, but seeing as it was more than likely that he would stay an omega – why not make most of it? If there ever was chance to get his alpha status back they will just discuss it with Cas and readjust their relationship accordingly. Dean doubted Cas would care about his secondary gender anyway – especially considering that if it weren’t for Alistair they would have likely ended up as alpha-alpha couple once both of them had gotten their heads out of their asses.

Cas also never treated him like omega – not once he called Dean omega or treated him like one. He never used his alpha status over Dean and treated him as equal – if anything Cas was actually putting Dean’s needs above his own, something they will have to discuss about, since Dean was not fine with it. He wanted to have more equal relationship and he didn’t want any special treatment only because he was unlucky enough to end up having uterus somewhere in his abdomen.

If anything Dean wanted Cas to call him out on his bullshit and sometimes even question Dean’s stupid decisions. Currently Cas was so desperate to give Dean anything Dean could possibly need or want, without any concern of his own well being. Like the stupid shit they had pulled with the scent blockers – Cas was willing to do so much for Dean and while Dean was grateful he didn’t want to make Cas do something like that for him. It had been selfish from Dean to even let Cas fight his fights for him – even if it seemed like best idea at the time. Cas deserved so much better. Cas should be able to say no if something Dean wants will make him uncomfortable or cause him unnecessary suffering.

The more he thought about stuff like that, Dean could feel rest of the missing pieces slowly sifting to the place.  Yes, while he might not be ready to accept all of this at once, he was at least willing to give it a chance.

***

While Cas was away Dean did his best to keep himself occupied with his work, despite the things getting better he was still not in the mood to spend time with his friends – and now he had added motivation to make up as much money as possible for Sammy’s Summer Law Programme.

It helped to distract him from Cas absence and how Dean found himself looking at the empty seat beside him more often than keeping his attention on TV screen – just so he could explain some random reference that he was sure Cas didn’t get, only to be reminded that Cas wasn’t there looking all confused and adorable squinting his eyes at the screen and making it into really deep and serious conversation about most random things. Cas had almost no clue about any of the best TV shows or books, and Dean had taken it upon himself to introduce Cas to the better side of the life. And if it provided him with the opportunity to watch his favourite shows for umpteenth time while also getting to spend time with Cas- it could only be considered as win- win situation.

Drowning himself in work had its downsides though. The place was shithole, barely more than shed his boss had impudence to call a _garage_. They didn’t have all the tools they needed and often had to improvise to replace the tools they did not have.

His co-workers kept to themselves and it suited Dean just fine. He had no desire to spend any time with them – most of them looked like dudes he would go out of his way to avoid in the dark alleys. They kept to themselves and only thing they seemed to have common was their dislike for this sucky place they called work and their shady boss.

Dean was willing to bet the man made most of his money in illegal way since there was no way this place made enough to afford their boss to drive most expensive sport Cars and spend every other month in most exotic places around the world. No, everything about the man screamed shady and if Dean would have any other job opening he wouldn’t spend one more minute in this hole, but since no one in the area was willing to hire uneducated mechanic while also allowing free enough schedule to manage school beside the job.  

It was hard and Dean was often left with exhausting over hours, that he more often than not got underpaid for, but Dean took what he could. So far Azazel had paid him every month without a problem and that was all assurance that Dean needed to stay in there. He knew he could to better if he could only get an opportunity to work somewhere else. Dean was good with cars- he could build them from ground up and he kept his baby in pristine condition, but it was not reason enough for better places to actually offer him job.

Still it was annoying to do only most mundane tasks while working on ordinary cars, rarely they got something more exciting than Hondas and even rarer if Dean was allowed to work on them. This sucked, but as long as it paid Dean was fine with it – or pretended to be.

Lately though his boss had started to get on his nerves as Dean threw himself to his work with new found vigour. It didn’t mean that man offered to pay him much more for all the extra hours Dean put in to keep himself away from their empty apartment, but he had started to demand more from Dean than most basic tire exchanges and oil checks.  Mostly it meant that by the time Dean got home he was too exhausted to even eat and barely made it to shower before going to sleep.

Same routine every day for past few days and once again Dean found himself working on an old rusty trash can – some Opel which had seen so many days that it barely resembled car anymore. Dean could make it run again, but it would take a miracle to make it **_car_** again.

Others had already left, which suited Dean just fine, the less people were around him the more comfortable he felt while doing his job. His co-workers hadn’t question him too much about his missing scent, convinced with the same lie they had told everyone about the bet, so they left it alone. Thankfully they didn’t push for details, which Dean was more than fine with.

Still he took his blockers even more religiously before work, even if he had hours of spare time to the point he actually _needed_ to take them. Dean was not taking any risks of sweating too much while being under the car and blowing his cover in front of punch of alpha and beta co-workers. If anyone of them would find out he was an omega Dean would be screwed. This was not a place for omega to be – and Azazel would never hire one. He gave creepy vibes to Dean even when he had been an alpha and he didn’t even want to think how omegas would be treated here.

He had overheard enough passing comments between his co-workers that seemed to share his father views on all omegas – but not just about male ones. They called them names and treated them as fuck holes, nothing more than holes meant to be fucked and filled. It sickened Dean to be around such assholes, but he couldn’t actually speak up in fear they would start a fight with him for defending “such creatures”.

  So Dean was left gritting his teeth as he was forced to listen all the obscene jokes they loved to talk about, how many omega sluts they had been with or how pathetic those bitches were for their huge knots – how they cried when they forced their huge members into their loose whore holes. Silently Dean was sure that any omega would cry for completely other reason when faced with Gordon’s dick – who would _want_ to get close to that horrid thing? And given how Gordon talked about how omegas should be treated- Dean was more than sure that all omegas would be better off as far away from the man as possible.

Unfortunately Dean had to put up with mans unwanted presence every day, but since man had no idea about Dean’s changed gender he had no reason to worry. As far as everyone knew Dean was alpha-alpha – and no one dared to mess with him exactly, even though he didn’t fit with them at all, so they mostly left him alone and didn’t try to talk with him.

Sadly Dean was still forced to put up with their boss Azazel – who seemed to take extra pleasure inviting them into his office every day to give them lecture just how much more should be expected from them. Man loved to talk and go over every detail that was done less than perfectly, despite the fact that there were no proper tools to work with or how even the best mechanic couldn’t turn old shitty car into perfect new one.

So here Dean was, once again after his already extra long shift he was once again left to be alone with his boss long after others had left, and since his boss was in the extra shitty mood he had decided to give Dean all the crap for it.

Dean sighed internally as he made his way over to the small room at the back of the garage his boss used as office. The room was tiny and dark, filled with columns of unfilled paperwork lying all around and dirty dishes his boss hadn’t bother to wash. The room smelled strongly of cigars and alcohol and specific aroma of rotten cabbage and bad fish that came from his boss’s alpha pheromones. Dean had no idea how it could be appealing to any omega, it was almost impossible for him to be in the same room with his boss and keep his face blank from disgust he felt every time he breathed in awful mix of scents.

He carefully knocked on the door, waiting for a man to invite him in, the quicker he got this done with the sooner he could go home. Perhaps Cas’s rut would be over and they could spend some time together – it was about time. Cas had been away over a week now- unnaturally long time for a rut, but perhaps their bond had fucked up his cycle somehow.

“Come in, Dean!” Came reply, and Dean let himself into the office.  He had expected to find the man sitting behind his table, smoking cigar and pretending to do paperwork, but was shocked when instead he was met with man almost face to face.

Without any warning he was suddenly roughly pushed against the door, and before he could do anything he heard the man lock it and then Azazel threw away the key. The man’s hold on his neck was bruising and Dean was too dazzled to put up a proper fight as man tightened his hold on him. He yelled and kicked as man leaned forward to push his face to Dean’s jugular to scent him, which was fucking stupid, since Dean was on full on blockers. Even Cas wouldn’t be able to pick up his scent right now.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, BASTARD!” Dean screamed as the man pulled back with the frown on his face, which quickly transformed into evil toothy smile.

“What does it look like, bitch!” He snarled as he continued to hold Dean down with embarrassingly too much strength for Dean to fight against. “Oh, don’t look so shocked I know your little secret, and before you ask – yes, I have know for a while now. Just had to make sure your guardian dog was out before I could make my move.”

Dread burned inside of Dean’s veins like a fire, he couldn’t fight. Cas was locked up and he was alone with an alpha that could easily overpower him and take him. There was no way he could win a fight in his current state and there was no one to save him either. Cas was away and if he would be unlucky enough his co-workers could return and then Dean would be twice as screwed as he already was. Despite all that he was dazzled- how did this fucker know what he was – how he could be so sure, even Cas couldn’t scent him so Dean knew he hadn’t been betrayed by his scent.

“You are lying! Let go of me, you fucker! You would be lucky if I don’t go to police with this shit you are trying to pull over me.” He said, trying to fake confidence he didn’t feel at all, but Azazel only laughed.

“Oh, that is golden! I give you credit for trying though, but you know what,” he asked as he suddenly pulled at Dean’s hair in strong grip and smirked at Dean’s pained gasp, “if you truly were an alpha you claimed to be you would have fought me off by now – without any problem. The fact that you are here, all helpless and waiting to be taken just proves the fact that you are no more than pathetic omega whore.” He tightened his grip on Dean and pushed him completely against the door making it impossible for Dean to move or fight back.

 “Even better, if you were truly an alpha you would have tried your little mind trick on me now- yes, I know alpha-alphas are capable for this little shit – and how your pet alpha used it on dear friend of mine. You see Dean, I don’t take kindly to my friends and business partners to get their mind controlled by arrogant alpha assholes, especially when it was never supposed to happen.”

It took Dean moment too long to realise what Azazel was talking about, but he finally managed to gasp out,” You knew Alistair”.

“Very good bitch, - working that one out.” The man smiled, “You see, you were supposed to be our prised possession – bitch to make more money than any other, the ultimate whore. We could have made fortune on the turned bitch like you. Can you imagine how much we could make on utterly submissive omega, whom could be kept in heat constantly only by alphas will – who could be fucked even in heat without the risk to get you knocked up if we so desired? All this special biology of yours, that makes you so irresistible – the fact that you have no control over your own body if we wish so– just the hole for alphas to fill as they desire, so perfect. We could have let them breed you if they would have paid enough– your biology is brilliant like that – desperate to get knocked up, but also completely submissive if your alpha doesn’t want that. Alpha controls _everything_ – that little membrane in your system, opening up to alphas voice- giving them control over where their seed ends up- if it fills just your hole or goes deeper than that and actually knocking you up– it is more than enough to keep you as main attraction for years. We could have kept you in heat, but forbid you to get pregnant and your body would have obeyed. We could have forbid you the heat your body desperately needs and give you to the customers who like their bitches more dry. You would have been perfect toy for anyone willing to pay for a fuck.”

Dean was truly terrified by now; if this man worked with Alastair then he was much more dangerous than Dean had originally thought. Worse – he had been part of the business from the start – and he was obviously very aware of what had been done to Dean, what their plans with him were – what they still ARE, he realized as he was looking at the middle-aged alpha in front of him. Cas was gone, and he couldn’t count on anyone to help him out this time, he might not be lucky enough to fight his way out of this, or get rescued twice from the same fate. He had no doubt what Azazel had planned for him – he was more than sure that their plans with Dean hadn’t changed that much, even when Alastair was out of the picture.

He tried to put up more fight, but his efforts were quickly put down with rough punches to his ribs, and new position as he was thrown to the floor and held down in immobile grip as his head was pulled back painfully from his hair. The man sitting on top of him was too heavy for him to throw off; much to his frustration and Dean had never felt more helpless in his entire life.

This couldn’t happen to him! Fuck, just as things had finally started to get better, just as he had chosen to be with Cas – to try to be in relationship with him, this couldn’t fucking happen! Not now!

“I’m not going to make same mistake that Al did though, you see Dean – we had no idea that your pet alpha would go so far for you. That he would actually come for you – so I need to make sure that there is no lasting damage that he has already done to you – it will lessen your value - to be mated, but it is better than nothing and after all the hard work we put into changing you – I take what I can. But as I’m sure you have already formed at least scent bond with that alpha of yours, I can’t risk it. I need to be sure that you are not bound to that little rich kid, who would rip the world apart for you. So you leave me no choice- make no mistake bitch, you will become whore that you are soon enough, and being mated will not be enough to keep customers away – you will still be used, it will only suck more for you since your body will crave your mate.”

The man pinched his neck painfully, demanding his submission, but Dean refused. He tried to get the man off desperately, twitching around as much as he could to make it hard for alpha to hold him down, but there was no avoiding it.

“Submit to me bitch, show me what good little obedient omega you are – and submit, this is what we made you for, this is all you are good for- submission, so give in to your nature.” the harsh voice demanded as more punches were laid on Dean’s back knocking the air out of him.

His inner omega was screaming, but to Dean’s immense pleasure it didn’t feel even smallest desire to submit and “give in to his nature”. Instead it was fucking furious, it burned in him with anger equal to alpha rage and demanded to fight, it absolutely _refused_ to take shit from alpha that demanded the submission it didn’t deserve.

 They might have made him into perfect submissive omega for an alpha, but his body already knew who THE alpha was; and it sure as hell was not the man sitting on top of him right now. If situation wouldn’t have been so horrible Dean would have felt pride over his inner omega’s resistance, how it absolutely refused to submit into any alpha, it was as wilful as his inner alpha had ever been and it was taking no shit from anyone.

Unfortunately it didn’t seem to be enough to stop Azazel as more punches were thrown against Dean’s back which was covered buy bruises by now. “You think it will help you if you resist? That it will somehow spare you from becoming the bitch that you are, then you are severely mistaken, whore.”

Dean couldn’t help it, it was so fucked up that there was nothing he could do to stop the humourless laughter that ripped out of his lungs even though it hurt to even breathe. “You have already failed, if my body should be so perfectly submissive to alphas- how do you plan to make me your super bitch now that you can’t even ask for basic submission? How about all your fucking plans to keep me in heat for customers and alpha voice birth control if you can’t even get my inner omega to submit to you like this. Seems like I’m not the product you tried to create after all.”

He knew it was stupid, aggravate the alpha like that, but this was just only bitter pleasure Dean could take in the situation. He couldn’t fight physically, but he also wasn’t submissive bitch like they had hoped he would be. He might be an omega, but it was fighting with the force of an alpha, absolutely refusing to submit, it was furious that someone had dared to threat to take it away from its intended mate, it was furious, that someone even tried to question his bond with Cas and Dean was so fucking proud of his bond with Cas in that moment. Even their half formed bond was enough to overcome the changes that had made to his body, overriding the genes that demanded his “ultimate submission to any random alpha”.

Like expected Azazel was not fond with his reply, he jerked Dean around so he was now lying on his back and new punches were landing on his face, “YOU WILL SUBMIT, YOU FUCKING BITCH. I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ANYMORE IF YOU ARE TOO BROKEN TO BE WHAT WE MADE YOU TO BE – YOU STILL HAVE THE HOLES FOR ALPHAS TO FILL.”

Despite the pain in his face and blood pouring from his nose Dean took the moment and spat, “You don’t get it do you – I am NOT the fucking bitch you think I am! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU OR ANY OTHER ALPHA FORCED ON ME!”

It was the only pleasure Dean was left to have, they could take his body by force, but they did not have the ultimate control over his body like they had intended, they could not force his body into heat, they could not breed him by their will. Dean would never be reduced to mindless bitch with no power his own body like that, they had failed. The small hope bloomed in his chest, Cas would come for him. Dean knew he would, and his alpha would rip them apart for even daring to look at Dean. He KNEW Cas would come for him, would never stop looking for him, he could feel it in his very core. He only hoped that Cas would find him sooner rather than later.

Azazel screamed in anger as Dean fought back and yelled at him in his weak alpha voice, “SUBMIT YOU FUCKING BITCH,” over and over again, but like before this had no effect on Dean. Seems like being even halfway mated to Cas was enough to give Dean immunity against alphas voice, his omega knowing that this was not **_their_** alpha.

Then suddenly he stopped. The most sadistic smile plastered over his face as he looked down on Dean in victory, “ You might be broken bitch, you might not be the submissive little toy we wanted indeed, but there are enough customers to take pleasure in breaking you, no need to hold back now- you are already ruined product. “ He said as he twisted Dean’s head painfully to his side forcing Dean to bare his neck to him.

“Only perfect for that alpha of yours ...uh, hoping that he will come for you when we are done with you? Perhaps we should _let_ him, it would be almost worth it to see the look on his face when we deliver you to him, utterly broken and filled with STD’s and multiple alpha’s come. Let’s see how much he would want you _after_ we have broken you and used you to shreds. Would he _still_ want you then? How would you feel if he would reject you – your last hope, your only knight in shining armour taken away from you as he will not even recognize you?”

“SCREW YOU!” Dean trashed and tried to get away from the man, but like before his efforts were useless. Everything inside of Dean was burning with rage; every single cell trying to fight back, no one was allowed to threat Cas like that. No one!

The dirty finger touched his cheek gently – too tender to promise anything good and man leaned forward to whisper to his ear in sweet voice, “But perhaps _you_ would reject him instead, hm? Would you want to burden your alpha with such broken toy after we are done with you? You are _already_ burden to him, and you know it, right? We could send you back to him – let’s say after 20 years. By that time he must have been given up on trying to find you, lost all hope...and then there you would be – delivered to him- dirty, broken and used. Would you want to put him through the pain to let him try to fix you up then? It would KILL him – to see how he failed you, how broken you would be, so scarred, it would be mercy to put you down like an animal after we are done with you, but could he do that? Or would you do last noble thing and let him go – to spare him the pain?”

Mind games, he is freaking trying to manipulate Dean and use his bond with Cas to his sadistic amusement, and what made matters so much worse- it was working. Dean knew what it would do to Cas if it were ever likely to happen – it would likely literally kill him or cause the alpha unimaginable pain. Dean wouldn’t be able to live with that. This couldn’t fucking happen, he could already see that Azazel liked this plan too much – he WOULD actually do it. Since Dean was broken enough and not at all what they had tried to create- this would be his pay back. Taking Dean and then when Dean would be raped and used for years- he would send him to Cas – just to show alpha how he had failed Dean.

Dean doubled his efforts to fight back with newly found strength he had no idea he still had; he would rather die than let it happen, not to himself, not to Cas. Dying would be so much more preferable than putting either one of them through THAT. “I will rather die.”

“Too bad you are not able to do that, I refuse it.” Azazel smiled, “I know you are extremely bad with submission though, and that won’t too. Since you are refusing your biology I just have to do what is best for you and take it – like true alpha.”

“You will never be my alpha, ever!”

“Well, let’s see what I can too about that.” Azazel said with evil glint in his eyes,” There is something I can still try, now that I am sure that you are already damaged, you seem to forget that you are not _mated_ to your alpha – I see no _claim_ _on_ _you_. Sure your body _thinks_ Novak is your mate, but would it be strong enough to override full on _physical_ claim, I doubt that – either way it will be fun to find out!”

It happened too fast, in one second Dean’s head was pulled back, forcibly baring his throat to the threat – and in the next there was only excruciating pain in his neck, where alpha was tearing into his flesh staking his claim on Dean. Dean was in agony as fire spread all over his body as the alpha forced his claim on him.

 He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think, everything was devoured by the burning river in his body, his omega screaming for HIS alpha, the one it belonged too, desperately needing Cas, and then it happened.

Suddenly there was new fire burning inside of Dean, but this one was different, it burned like ice – but in a good way, shooting the pain that claim had forced onto his body and spread quickly through his system, washing away the taint of the bite. It felt like an ocean of emotions washed over him, too complicated to recognize them all, but Dean could feel lightness in his chest where it burned pleasantly as it wrapped him into loving embrace, shielding his soul from the battle in his body. Dean was barely aware what was happening, but he could feel as the new strength flooded his system as his body fought back, only this time it was succeeding.

There was new, yet familiar strength growing inside of him and he let out feral growl. He could feel his wound already _healing_ , which should have been _impossible_ , but Dean didn’t have time for that right now. The alpha inside of him was pissed along with the omega and Dean was bursting with this new found energy, it was almost too much to bear.

He had no idea how, it had happened, but he did welcome the alpha inside him – familiar yet different. It was HIS alpha, but not HIM, not completely – Cas, it is coming from Cas, he realised. Or rather- Cas’s alpha part was inside of him right now. Dean had no idea how it was even possible, but in that moment he was every bit of alpha he had ever been.

It was too easy to throw Azazel off like he was nothing, it was effortless to overpower the pathetic excuse of the man who had dared to harm THEM, the man who was now dumbfound and clearly in shock from recent events as he stared at Dean in panic.

“It is impossible, you are fucking bitch! I saw it before, I fucking claimed you – you are mine! Submit!”  The man yelled, but his words were weak, they barely hold any strength in them, not to mention alpha voice.

“You fucking son of a bitch!” Dean said as he lifted the man by his collar – and threw him across the room with one hand. He was fucking furious, this man was threat and he needed to be taken care of. The alpha in him demanded to kill the man and Dean was not holding back as he beat the shit out of Azazel, beating him over and over again until the man was bloody mess under his fists and he wanted to keep going, wanted to tear his throat out, and rip him apart completely. He was lost in his rage and need to protect his mate that he just kept going, throwing punches in inhuman strength and kept hitting the unresponsive body under him.

Dean was suddenly overcome with battle inside his very being, two forces that balanced each other out without causing any harm to the other, it was just the mess of voices in his head, one he recognized as himself or the animal part of him – other came from the Cas’s alpha.  The time seemed to stop as his attention was suddenly turned inwards to make sense of different sensations running through him.

Suddenly his arm just stopped in the mid air, and something blocked his way so he couldn’t move his arm. _He is not worth it; he is not worth to be killer_. Alpha knew that, but the man deserved to die, he tried kept going, but there was numbness in his limbs now. _You deserve to live without guilt, **let it go** , he is already eliminated._ He hurt us! He tried to claim us! _HE IS ELIMINATED, **your mate needs you**._

Mate? Yes, alpha needed his mate, but it got confused – his mate **was** already here, he **was** protecting his omega, and omega was talking with him, trying to make him stop, trying to shield his alpha power and hold him back from killing the creature under him. His omega **was** talking to him **right now** – so what more could he do for his mate?

His mate was here, the alpha was completely wrapped in his mate, no boundaries between them right now, he could feel everything about his mate; he could feel how his body forced itself to heal, how the strength was still flooded through his mate’s system, how his very being was wrapped around his mate. It was so very confused, he could feel everything, how could his mate need more, he had protected his omega, he was here. All he had, everything he was, it was all laid bare for the omega to see, to use as it saw fit – what more could he give?

Slowly he let go as depression and self-loathing took place in alpha’s core, he had somehow failed his mate again. He could feel everything, but he still couldn’t be what his mate needed him to be – he was doing everything for his mate right now, he had given all he was to his mate, but somehow it was not enough, his mate needed something and he failed to understand – yet again.

This time it was different though, this time his mate was not blocked from him, the connection was so intimate that it was impossible to see where he ended and his mate started. He could feel everything- surely his mate could feel it too? Surely his mate would know what it wanted so the alpha could take care of it?

 _Let it go, alpha. Just let it go. He is not worth it. Leave him._ _Just stop._

But he hurt us? Hesitant this time, but he felt how the numbness in his limbs lessened as he slowly started to pull back his rage. He let the calmness of his mate wash over him, trusting his mate to know what was best – anything his mate wanted from him, the alpha would do.

 _That’s it- let go alpha, you can pull back now._ The words were like calming mantra in his head and the calming presence of his mate was wrapped like blanket around the bewildered alpha. He let it consume him, submitted to the gentle touch of his mate, yes, he could do this.

 _You **can** let go now alpha._ **I did**! He wasn’t fighting anymore, he had let go of his rage, hadn’t he? The alpha didn’t know. It was amazing how he could be so connected to his omega, feel everything about his mate, but still in complete blindness what his mate needed from him.

_Of **me** , alpha, you can go back now. _

Suddenly the alpha was terrified. His mate didn’t want him? His mate wanted him to go away? He howled in pain, he had once again failed him, hadn’t he? But there was also the loving presence of his mate still wrapped around him, alpha could feel every bit of want and desire and longing in his mate, but still he was being sent away? Why? It didn’t make any sense. Deciding his mate must be confused he wrapped himself tighter into the loving embrace, clinging to it like a lifeline.

 ** _Go back!_ ** The order was kind, but firm. His mate did want him to go, but where? This was only place he could be – there was no other place he could go to. _Your own body alpha, go back to your body!_

His body? But where was his body? Alpha couldn’t feel it. There was only his mate and his omega was here, but where was he? He was lost. There was no place to go back to, no bond to cross over, but his mate told him to go. So he tried.

He tried so hard, but there was nowhere to go, and his omega felt it. Alpha could feel how his omega was worried over him, how there was suddenly tread washing over his mate as he saw how fruitless his attempts to “go back” there. There simply was nowhere to go!

His mate tried to help, tried to push him out of his body, but they did not succeed. At least he was _**with** _ his mate – together and he could protect them- and his omega agreed with him, but there was also that other part in him, the third part- the one that was so terrified and worried about the human part of his mate. Castiel – the more conscious side of him, the one that alpha had lost.

The third part- the **Dean** that was his mate’s human side, was worried sick over him and was screaming in his mind for Cas. Yes, Cas – his mate had asked for _him_ before, but where was Cas’ part of him? He couldn’t feel it now, so he couldn’t return it to his mate, even though he tried.

Alpha was helpless, he wanted to help, what there was no way back, his mate was here and he had protected them, if Castiel was the price then he knew it was worth it, he had to protect them – couldn’t Dean understand? He could still protect them, the alpha had all the strength right here, he didn’t need his body to protect his mate, he was right in here – and he could watch over his mate like he did today, whether he had Castiel’s body or not. He could stay here- inside the Dean and they would be together – would it be that bad? At least they had each other.

 

Dean watched in horror as the alpha in him tried to rip out of his body in vain, it was like wounded animal inside of him, and Dean wanted to help it more than anything. His mate needed him, and Dean could not send it back. Castiel’s alpha was trapped in his body with no way out, and without alpha side....Cas would be worse than dead. it was like Cas had lost half of his very being, his soul. This was not acceptable. This was all his own damn fault.

 _I will send you back._ He promised to the hurt alpha inside of him. He didn’t spare another moment on the unconscious man on the floor, his rigid breathing enough to tell him that man was still alive – a problem for a later. Right now he needed to find Cas and there was no power on earth going to stop him.

Dean was going to fix this, he was good at fixing things, and Dean was going to fix Cas even if it would be the last thing he will ever do.

It was time to find Cas.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The most angsty part of this fic should be done now - at least I think so...
> 
> hides*


	26. The Missing Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time ever this chapter is actually betad by the amazing Itisasitshouldbe! Loud applause to her since she was willing to cross the awful minefield of my mistakes - god, there were SO many...

 

 

Castiel awoke slowly blinking  as he shook off his unconsciousness, everything hurt and it felt like someone had stolen his organs for black market – not that he would know, but it certainly felt like it. He was disorientated, and uncomfortable barely recognizing the room he was laying on. His state seemed to be more physical, though as there was empty void inside of him, like black hole had been opened inside his sternum and was now draining Castiel’s energy – or rather what was left of it.

Something inside was nagging at him, telling him to get up; there was something important he should have remembered, but it hurt too much to think. He would rather stay here in this shitty bed than move, actually, he wasn’t sure if he could move even if he tried. So he stayed where he was and let his mind drift, trying to distract himself from the hollowness that was rapidly consuming him. 

He couldn’t be sure how much time had passed, minutes, hours, days? But now there was distant shouting heard from the hallway right outside of the room he was in. Should he be concerned? Perhaps, but he didn’t have enough energy to feel anything except this weak curiosity as the shouting got louder and drew closer.

The voices were familiar and Castiel really should have identified them by now, but his mind was blank, he only knew that he should be able to put faces to these nameless voices.  Castiel grunted, just another of his failures then – just like he failed Dean. 

DEAN!

He rose so quickly his eyes blacked out for a moment, as his aching limbs protesting his sudden movements, but he couldn’t care about that right now. He needed to get to Dean – something bad had happened to Dean, and Dean was in danger. Castiel needed to get out.

He didn’t bother to think about clothes as he made his way to the dented iron door, which remained closed. For a moment he was confused when there was no instinct to lead him – what should he do? The part of him that usually automatically filled those blanks had been devoured by the emptiness inside him and Castiel was lost. 

It would be pointless to try to break down the door, he was barely able to move, not to mention trying to break through a few inches of the iron enforced door. Besides it was already proving to be futile, as there was still blood from his last attempt covering the surface. 

“...Let me in you fuckers, or I swear I will break down this door!” Came angry deep voice from the other side.

“Dean?” Castiel asked hesitantly, not daring to hope that Dean was actually there and alive, and hopefully well enough since he seemed to be the one doing the threatening. 

There was some swearing and loud groan, as if someone had gotten hurt, but then Dean was right there, on the other side. 

“Cas!” There was something in his voice, which Castiel had never heard before; it had new edge to it now. 

“I’m here Dean!” Castiel said as if that wasn’t obvious already. 

“Umm, do you mind if we open the door?” Dean asked from the other side, ignoring the protest from the background. 

“My rut is over, so yes, I would like to get out.” Castiel said, and realized it was true. Where was his alpha? Without his alpha his rut had ended forcibly as there was no part in him that made him alpha anymore. He felt nauseated at the thought, but now was not the time to panic. 

“We’ll get you out, just few security checks to go over and you’re free.” Dean replied disdain coloring his voice. “Um, they’re asking if you could put some clothes on you and get your...em, things?”

Oh right, there must have been someone observing the room through the security cameras, which were normally turned off. They only checked the room after the alpha claimed their rut was over – so they could be sure that alpha wasn’t just trying to break out of this rut chamber. If the alpha were truly in rut he wouldn’t obey such commands, they were likely to get irritated or demand to be let out right this moment. It was usually pretty hard to trick cameras when you would be mindlessly rutting into the mattress. 

Normally the alpha was checked over few times a day – with a warning signal, so they could cover themselves before cameras were turned on, or more likely they were just asked few questions over the speakers to know if they needed anything or if their rut was over. Castiel remembered now, this was first thing he should have done – pressed the communication button and ask to be let out since his rut was over.

Luckily for him someone had already gone through the process and the huge door slid open. Unfortunately, this also meant that Castiel was now left standing in the doorway in only his boxer briefs. 

“Dammit, Cas!” Dean said, but rushed over and covered Castiel’s naked torso with his leather jacket, hiding him from the school worker’s view who was responsible for the rut chambers. 

Castiel let Dean fuss over him and drank in the sight of Dean, searching for any injuries. There were bruises all over his face, and dried blood had been smeared over his chin and cheeks leaving trails of rusty red over his split lip. His clothes were torn, and there seemed to be more bruises covering his neck – and more were likely under his ripped clothing.

Dean was injured, Castiel needed to make sure that Dean would be taken care of. 

“You need to see a nurse – you are injured,” he croaked. 

“Don’t care, it can wait, we need to take care of you first. “ Dean said as he started to drag Castiel away from the room.  

“Dean, I need my things, and I can’t go out like this.” Cas exclaimed.

Dean stopped, turned around and collected Castiel’s clothes from the chair and threw them at an unprepared Cas, they hit him in the face before he scrambled to keep them from falling. While he put those on, Dean was cleaning up around the room, and threw everything of Cas’s he could find into the already open sports bag on the floor. 

“What should I do about those?” Dean asked, and pointed at the life size sex doll he and Gabe had brought him. He seemed really uncomfortable about the toy, and Castiel wondered if it was because Dean somehow knew how Castiel had ravished it while wishing it was Dean instead. 

“We can’t leave it just here,” he concluded, it wouldn’t be polite to leave such thing laying around.

“Right,” Dean mumbled, but Castiel quickly grabbed Dean’s arm to stop him from getting the doll. He couldn’t let Dean touch it. It was still covered with Castiel’s body fluids and Castiel didn’t want Dean to touch that. No one should be forced to clean up after anyone else’s sex toys – ever. 

Castiel went over and tried to lift the toy – only to have it fall to the ground as he was not strong enough to lift it. Castiel grumbled as he hit the ground and was then hit with the heavy human sized toy falling on him. 

“Cas,” Dean was there in flash, he ripped the doll away from Cas and didn’t seem to be worried about touching such a dirty thing. “Cas,” Dean repeated and helped Castiel to stand up and pulled him into tight embrace. 

“I’m sorry; I can’t seem to do it right now.” Castiel apologized. Now that the relief of seeing Dean was starting to wash off, he was becoming more aware of his own body and just how weak he was right now. It was amazing he could even stand up on his own, perhaps he couldn’t – Dean’s arms could be the only reason he was up right now, he didn’t know. 

“Forget it, let’s just get you out of here, and I will come back later and take care of this room myself.” Dean said as he pulled Cas closer to his body, “Right now all that matters is getting you out of here and making sure that you will be alright.”

Castiel wanted to protest, Dean was the one covered in bruises and blood, but he was too weak to say that much now that his body was failing him so quickly. Instead he nodded, and then yelped as Dean lifted him from the ground, taking him to his arms bridal style and carrying him out of the room. 

Castiel could hear him say something to the worker, but he was just so tired, and slightly swinging in Dean’s arms did nothing to help him to stay awake. 

“Don’t worry Cas, I’ll take care of it,” were the last words he heard before he dowsed off.

 

***

The gentle hand running through his hair felt beyond nice, so Castiel leaned into the touch. It was better than focusing no the discomfort in his body. He wanted more of it, he needed more. It felt like the only good thing in the universe right now, like if the touch would disappear then surely Castiel would fall into the void inside of him, but the presence of the caress grounded him and protected him from falling apart.

“I know you’re awake, sleepyhead.” 

“No.” Castiel grumbled. He didn’t want to do this right now. He wanted to remain where he was in this tight embrace and forget all his troubles- surely they could wait.

Dean laughed, but it was shallow one like his heart truly wasn’t in it. Curiously Castiel looked up and was met with red rimmed emeralds of teary green eyes that just looked so sad. Castiel wanted to wipe this emotion away – to make Dean smile again, Dean should be happy, not this broken shell of man in front of him right now. 

There was still blood smeared over his face and dark bags underneath his eyes, which were filled with so much worry. “I can’t send it back, Cas!”  Dean whispered so quietly that Castiel wasn’t sure he heard the words right. “I’ve tried for past few hours, since I brought you back, but it still can’t find its way back to you.”

“What do you...,” Cas started, but was stopped when the new color flashed in Deans eyes - not omega gold, not alpha red either- more like dark amber? Mix of omega gold with dark red of an alpha – the perfect blend between the colors. It was beautiful.

“Oh...that.” So this is where his alpha had ended up with. “How?” It wasn’t an accusation, Castiel honestly wanted to know what must have happened for  _this_  to occur. 

Dean sighed, and let out the breath he had been holding, “I was at work, you know? And my boss invited me to his office after hours- I didn’t think much of it since he always does that....” Dean let out bitter laugh, “as soon as I entered he was on me though. Turns out that the bastard was working with Alistair and we kind of ruined his plans, kept talking how we ruined it and how he could still make use of me. He...” Dean gulped and seemed unwilling to go on, “He told me some things, and we fought – mostly it was just him throwing me around and holding me down, he was going to...well, you get the picture.”  Dean waved it off.

“He told me to submit though, and I didn’t, you know? There was not a single part in me willing to submit to that asshole, so I refused...repeatedly. Some nasty words were traded and then he made some treats, and I knew I HAD to get out, but I wasn’t strong enough. So eventually he decided that since I was already damaged product – not submissive omega he had wanted – he blamed you for that, by the way – so he said he would rather break me and take my submission by force, not long after that he tried to lay claim on me – bastard actually bit me.”

“DEAN!” Castiel exclaimed in panic, but Dean cut him off.

“It  ** _didn’t_**  take, Cas. Next thing I knew there was this familiar alpha power, which came from you, I just didn’t realize it was  _all_  in me then – it fought him off. You know how our strength is not only limited by our actual muscles, but how most of it comes from our inner alpha, beta or omega? Well, it gave me enough strength to push him off and my body rejected the claim like it was nothing – it even kick started this ultra fast alpha healing so it is mostly gone by now. I beat the shit out of the asshole, and only then I realized that something was terribly wrong once and the inner turmoil started once I realized that your alpha couldn’t go back to you.” Dean confessed in a broken voice. 

“It is okay Dean, it was worth it.” Castiel said. Yes, this was pretty unexpected, but losing his alpha would be well worth it if it would mean that it saved Dean from the fate worse than death. Castiel could live with it, hell, if this was the prize he would do it again, without second thoughts. 

“DON’T SAY THAT CAS!” Dean yelled at him, “Don’t you fucking  ** _dare_**  to say it is okay when it is anything but. I fucking ruined it – I am the reason why you are broken right now, so stop saying the shit like that.

Castiel could see the point, but he didn’t agree. It was worth it for him and if he would have gotten to choose by will he would have forced his alpha out of his body himself. Apparently, Castiel made the mistake and he had said the last words out loud, which was met with angry glowing amber eyes.

“I. SAID. DON’T. “Dean screamed each word separately to make it clear, “this is  **not**  fine, and I will do anything in my power to fix it. 

“I know that,” Castiel didn’t doubt for a second that Dean would give up just like that – no, it was in Dean’s nature to take care of others, Dean would try to help him. 

“Where should we start, Cas?” Dean asked and it suddenly became very clear, that despite his promises he was as lost as Castiel, not knowing what they should do or where to even start.

“Perhaps we should just sleep before? I am exhausted and I’m sure you are not much better off, take a shower, let’s bandage your cuts and then we rest and deal with this tomorrow?” Castiel asked, and he could already see a frown and stubborn refusal taking root in Dean’s features, but then he added, “There is nothing we could do about it right now, we are both tired and hurt, we don’t know what we can do, so some rest is the best we could do right now- we will start working on it tomorrow – if the problem is still there by then.”

He could see how Dean give up as his shoulders slumped and he drew in a shaky breath, “I know there is nothing we can do, Cas. That is what terrifies me.”

Castiel smiled weakly as he cupped Dean’s bruised cheek tenderly, “I know, but we will figure it out eventually, just not today.” Suddenly a thought occurred to him, “Dean, what happened to the Azazel after you left – he could get away with it – come after you again...” 

He was well on his way to full blown panic, his mind coming up with all the possible ways what Azazel would do if he got to Dean again. 

“ I called Crowley already, as soon as I got away from there I called the smarmy dick, and told him what happened as I was driving back to get you. He promised to take care of it.” The first real smile across Dean’s face, “I actually believe his exact words where that the less I know the better since I wouldn’t want to be related to the crime, so I believe Azazel would not get any opportunities to defend himself by the law.” 

Good, normally Castiel would not approve such methods, but he did trust Crowley to take care of it. Well, more like he trusted that Crowley kept his deals and would trust Castiel’s money to take care of himself, but since Crowley had actually kept all parts of his deal’s Castiel trusted that Azazel would be taken care off.

“Then this is solved, we need to bandage your injuries tough, some of them seem nasty. And didn’t you mention that he bit you?” This was bad, bites could so easily get infected as the human mouth contains so many different types of bacteria, and infection was even more likely if parties were not compatible as mates.

It was amazing how well they moved together even now, how he didn’t think twice about cleaning Dean’s injuries and more amazingly – how Dean just  ** _let_**  him. With every bruise he looked over – there wasn’t much he could do for them – just some shooting balm to apply on them; he wanted to get hands on Azazel himself. It wasn’t like his alpha would have reacted, the instinct to protect Dean was not here right now, this was him as human, completely furious and he wanted to take care of Dean and there wasn’t a single instinct in his body which demanded him to do so. This part was gone right now, no, it was all Castiel. 

 Interestingly – Castiel was actually curious how this affected his feelings for Dean – would they go away now that his alpha was gone, but this didn’t seem to be the case. He still cared about Dean more than he had ever cared about anyone else before. Dean always came first. 

He couldn’t help but wonder how much would change now that he had lost this part of himself. How would he take care of Dean now if he would have lost the side of him that could keep Dean safe? He had no idea what his face must have looked like, but suddenly he was pulled into a crushing hug by the taller man, and Castiel clung to Dean like a lifeline.

“Shh, Cas, it’s going to be okay, I promise.” Dean murmured into his ear as he pulled Cas closer. Cas had no idea whose idea it was, but somehow they made their way over to his bedroom – the one with enormous nest inside.

“Dean?” He questioned, he had no idea why Dean would choose this room, but somehow it did feel right. The safe place his alpha had created for them would now offer them shelter. To his surprise Dean didn’t let go of him, choosing to follow him instead. Together they climbed to the centre of the mass of pillows and blankets that Castiel had gathered driven by his alpha instincts and he let Dean cuddle him close to his body. 

“Cas,” Dean muttered, “I just want you to know that I’ll be by your side every step of the way, no matter what.” Something wet landed on Castiel’s arm which was close to Dean’s face and he desperately wanted to soothe Dean, to tell him that they will be alright. Only he couldn’t find the words to tell him, so he did the only thing that crossed his mind and leaned in to kiss Dean on the cheek in a quiet thank you. Before neither of them could say anything more, he was already breathing deeply, too exhausted to feel the damp touch of lips on his own forehead and a quiet, “G’night,Cas” whispered into his hair.

 

***

Castiel was reluctant to wake up, preferring to bury himself into the still warm place where Dean had slept. Wait? Why was Dean gone? Alerted to potential danger,  he quickly scanned the room for man, but didn’t find him. He could hear the shower running, and relaxed slightly. Satisfied, he let himself enjoy the warmth of the nest longer, unwilling to move yet.

It wasn’t long before Dean emerged from the shower, rivulets of water running down on his well toned torso, and Castiel traced the wet patterns they left behind with his eyes as they slid lower on Dean’s body. 

“Like what you see?” Dean teased as he climbed back into the nest with him – or rather as he stepped out of the bathroom, seeing as Castiel’s room  ** _was_**  one huge nest. It took Dean few moments to crawl back to the centre of the nest, where Castiel was laying and Castiel had to remind himself not to focus too much on the bareness of Dean’s body. He averted his eyes and fiddled with the blanket corner instead.

Dean coughed, “Right, not the best time for that.” He was close now, not quite close enough to be too intimate, but there was this little comfort space left between them, the space they could fill if they would reach out their hands so they could touch, but neither of them had done so this far.

There was now a bit awkward silence between them as they were unsure how they could do this – whatever this was right now.

“I think we need to talk,” Dean said eventually, scratching the back of his head, which couldn’t be comfortable thing to do from this position. He seemed hesitant, like he couldn’t quite believe what he was saying. 

“That would be wise, yes, but unfortunately I have no idea what exactly we need to talk about and I am even more clueless how we should approach those topics.” Castiel offered honestly, since while he knew they had to sort this thing out somehow, he didn’t know how to even bring this up – everything was messed up for them.

Dean laughed, “Yeah Cas, this is exactly why we NEED to talk, even if talking is like...well, let’s just say I don’t do this kind of shit often.” When Castiel didn’t reply Dean sighed, “Fuck, you gotta work with me here a bit Cas, I have no idea how to do this, things were already fucked up before this,” he pointed vaguely to the space between them, before pointing at the almost healed barely visible bite mark on his neck, “but now this happened and we really can’t put it off longer than we already have.”

Castiel sighed, “ Dean, the only reason we have put this off for so long was because we were not ready to deal with this, we still aren’t, we aren’t  ** _any_**  closer to finding a solution to your problem, or how we could perhaps by some miracle get you back to your previous self. This was the only thing we could do. We agreed to hide everything so we could protect you from stuff like this.” He reached his hand to touch gently the still healing mark on Dean’s neck, Castiel was sure it would fade completely in few days. 

“Things have changed.” Dean said adamantly. 

“But yet we are still here in this mess, aren’t we? Castiel bit back. “I mean, what do you think we could do? Nothing has changed, besides the fact that now I can’t even protect you if anyone comes to challenge me, I’m not even an alpha right now Dean, I am useless!” 

He could feel tears falling on his cheeks as reality really hit him. This was it, wasn’t it? He couldn’t do much more for Dean anymore. If anyone were to challenge Castiel right now, or show alpha aggression towards him, he would be unable to fight back. Without his alpha’s strength, he would not be stronger than an average beta – if even that. Without him keeping up their cover, they would lose the right to live in this apartment, and Castiel didn’t dare to think about what would happen then. 

If someone would start questioning Dean more closely, asking HIM to prove that he is still worthy of “Best alpha on Campus” apartment, would Dean be able to fight? How much was Dean an alpha right now? Could he use his powers, and this strength, to cover for them both right now? Would he be enough to win fights against other alphas - Castiel didn’t know. 

Worst case scenario, someone would challenge him, and  _he_  would lose the right to stay here. If Dean could use his alpha’s strength and stay here, then he was closest thing to alpha, right? Since Dean  ** _did_**  have Castiel’s alpha side inside of him right now, that meant that Dean should be able to use all his alpha “powers”, as he had already used them on Azazel – the strength he had used to push Azazel off came from the alpha. This also meant that Dean might be as close to being alpha again as he was ever likely to get. 

Which Castiel suddenly realized could be Dean’s unique opportunity to get some of his life back. If Dean could control the alpha inside of him, and use its strength, then Dean wouldn’t have to worry about his gender as much anymore. He wouldn’t be helpless, Castiel’s alpha was every bit as powerful as Dean’s used to be, and although he had no idea how Dean’s omega would fit into the mix, or how Dean could deal with it in long run, this could mean giving Dean his life back.

This was his opportunity! Dean might get this back, and this might be the best outcome of therecent tragedy that had hit them. Castiel could do it, if it meant that Dean wouldn’t need tohide anymore. Sure, he would also have the omega in his body, (How the Hell was this supposed to work?) but if Dean could use his alpha side....Dean could go home, Dean could take his place back among his friends, play sports, find his dream job, find love...”

The last thought hurt more than Castiel wanted to admit, but he wouldn’t let it come between them. He wouldn’t tie Dean down to his broken former alpha, or whatever he was right now. 

The mating bond was formed between partner’s animal sides – it tied their animal sides together. But now Castiel’s alpha was gone – it was inside of Dean, and they can’t be mates like that anymore – they can’t form a bond with that part of Cas gone.

 The alpha and omega in Dean could be tied in the mating bond inside of Dean, but there was  ** _nothing_**  connecting the human side of Castiel to them. His human side was completely isolated from Dean, and their respective animal sides currently housed in Dean’s body. He couldn’t mate Dean anymore. 

Their animal halves were already half-bonded, his alpha belonged to Dean’s omega, irrevocably so, this had created the one way bridge for his alpha to cross over, only the connection was not enough to come back, since nothing tied Dean to Castiel. Dean was free, unclaimed by his alpha. Dean could be free and find someone else - Alpha or Omega Castiel supposed, as Dean now had those two sides that could bond within him, or perhaps he could only bond as omega – find another alpha mate since “his alpha” was already claimed by Dean’s own inner omega? 

God, this made his head hurt, which was much more preferable than thinking about how Dean could find some other alpha, or beta. At least Dean did have an unbounded part which could form a new bond to another mate – not true mates, you only got one go at that, but Dean could find happiness with another compatible mate. 

Castiel was broken; he couldn’t offer Dean the closeness the bond would offer to mates – it would be selfish to ask Dean to stay with him. He would let Dean go, even if it would break him, but he can do this for Dean.

This was important, this might change everything, and if Dean could deal with it, it could be as much a blessing as it was a curse, but he had to know, “Dean, how is it for you right now having them both inside of you, is it really difficult? Is my alpha causing too much trouble – I mean, is it trying to take control over you, and you have to fight it off? How does it feel to have them both in your body?”

Dean looked at him astonishingly, “Is this why you bought the alpha suppressants? Since your alpha tried to take control over you?”

Castiel nodded, “Sort of yes, I bought them on a whim, just a threat to shut it up if necessary. It started slowly at first – after you claimed me. My alpha didn’t understand what was wrong with it – why he was constantly denied his efforts to court you. The more I tried to hold myself away from you, the more panicked it got. It didn’t understand why it was wrong to want to mate you, so it was convinced to try harder, do better – my instincts demanded to show you that I could be an alpha worthy of you.”

“So that is why it started nesting, started trying to cook way too much – it was trying to show off?” Dean asked tenderly, with too much understanding in his eyes.

“Yes, it was convinced that if it could show you, take care of you, you would let it mate you in return. I tried to hold back, but it didn’t help much, it could even get violent in his attempts to fight me off- if it thought I was the unreasonable one keeping it away from its rightful mate. Human logic doesn’t make much sense to our animal parts I’m afraid. We knew things were complicated between us, for my alpha however – it just wanted you. You were its mate, end of story – why deny it? So it got angry with me when I tried to remind it not to court you, to be normal.” Castiel smiled fondly at the memory.

“We didn’t always agree about how we should take care of you best though, and then it tried to take control away from me, so if it would have gotten worse; then yes- I would have considered taking alpha suppressants to keep myself from forcing myself on you. But I wasn’t that far gone, not yet.”  He didn’t bother to mention that it probably wouldn’t be much longer though, since his alpha had gotten really out of control. 

“Why didn’t you say anything Cas,” Dean frowned, dark shadows fell on his features as he tried to conceal the obvious disapproval out of his voice. “You shouldn’t have had to face this shit alone, we could've figured something out, figure out how to satisfy your alpha so it would have left you alone – offer it an olive branch, figuratively speaking.”

“You had enough on your plate already, Dean,” Castiel didn’t bother to mention that he had also been terrified that Dean would run away if he confessed how useless an alpha he had been or rejected him outright, and he  ** _knew_**  how his alpha would have reacted to  ** _that_**. The memory of almost dying as his alpha once tried to put itself down still fresh in his mind.

Dean squinted at him in disapproval, “This isn’t all there is, is it? I kind of get the feeling that something else was holding you back. What was it?”

“I knew you had enough troubles already Dean, and since there wasn’t something we could have done, there didn’t seem to be much point in it, so I decided to deal with it alone – sounds familiar?” 

The frown on Dean’s face deepened, clearly unhappy with Castiel's logic, “There could have been something, and we didn’t even try! We could have offered your alpha something it needed, and perhaps it would have helped you!” Suddenly Dean seemed absolutely stricken as new thought occurred to him, “You didn’t think I would have been a cold hearted bastard, that I would’ve left you alone with it, did you?”

“Of course not, Dean!” Castiel was offended,” I was more afraid you would have cared too much and let this affect your own choices. Like you would have stayed with me out of some sick responsibility, I was terrified that you might be your usual brilliant kind self and sacrifice your own happiness to help me fix it. I didn’t want you to do that!”

Next thing Castiel knew he was thrown on his back with fierce looking Dean right on top of him, staring at him angrily, “ Listen to me, you stubborn ass, we’re in this mess together, and if you know me at all then you would have known that I would never leave you behind like that. I’m not one to leave people – you are not some sick obligation for me Cas! It might also be good for you to know that just before this shit with Azazel, I kind of did make decision on my own!”

“You did?” Castiel asked hopefully, he couldn’t help it. There was still part of him which stubbornly wished that Dean would have accepted him, this opportunity might be gone now – like his alpha, but it would be nice to know what Dean had thought about. They had been trying to come to some kind of decision for months now – with no success. 

Even more surprising was the shy smile on Dean’s face as he grinned openly at him, “Yeah, I sort of did.” He smiles broadly, and with a seductive tone he asks, “And did you know what I came up with?”

Castiel didn’t dare hope, the look in Dean’s eyes was telling him one thing, but his mind refused to let it in, this almost sounded like....

“I realized that I can’t do this anymore Cas. This thing between us was not working, it was foolish of us to pretend otherwise, this was never gonna work Cas.”

“Oh.” It was all Cas could get out of his lungs, which didn’t seem to work properly under the weight of his dreams collapsing on top of him. For a moment, he could only be grateful that he didn’t have his inner alpha anymore, as the sting of rejection was unbearable to even his human side, which wasn’t bonded to Dean. He couldn’t even imagine the pain his alpha would have put him through faced with this utter repudiation by his should-be-mate. 

It was funny how it still hurt him, even if the bond was not there – Castiel still felt like his heart had been freshly ripped out by the love of his life, the man he had grown to love –  ** _him_** , not his alpha which was bound to Dean by true mate bond. Castiel, the human part of him was just as taken by the beautiful man as his alpha ever was – even if he didn’t have instincts which bound him to Dean. 

For one stupid moment Castiel had been foolish enough to let him hope that perhaps Dean might feel something for him too, that something more profound was between them, beyond the pull between their inner animals, something for Castiel – the person. What an idiot he had been, of course Dean wouldn’t feel like that. 

He suddenly felt trapped under Dean’s weight, fighting the tears threatening to fall. Castiel was vulnerable, hurt and he didn’t have the strength to push Dean off him, leaving him stuck underneath the taller man. He avoided eye contact, not wanting to show Dean just how badly his words had cut him. It was miracle he managed to find his voice, “Please let go of me.” He hated how small he sounded.

“What?” Dean asked completely taken aback by Castiel’s reaction, “But I just said...”

“Yes, I heard exactly what you said,” Castiel whimpered unable to hide his feeling and ashamed that he could not pull up a blank mask so no one could see how he was dying inside.

The look of pure horror on Dean’s face would have been almost funny in any other situation, but right now all he wanted was to get as far away from Dean as possible. He started to struggle, trying to get away, but this time strong hands caught and kept him immobile.

“Shit, Cas!” Dean said miserably, “I told you I suck at this talking shit, I fucked up again.” 

 _Yes, you did_.Castiel thought, but didn’t say it out loud. He didn’t want to make matters worse so he decided to wait – what else could he do?  Since apparently Dean had decided to keep him hostage. 

“I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, Cas!” Dean pleaded. “Please believe me when I say that. You didn’t even let me finish, you sort of just closed off – not that I can blame you for that I guess.” He mumbled under his breath.

“Cas, I wanted to tell you, that I actually had come to the decision to give us a  ** _try_**. Before this stuff happened with Azazel, I had the whole week to think about while you were in your rut, and I missed you so much! I started thinking about our relationship and everything that’s happened between us, how you’ve always been there for me – and how the thought of losing you made me absolutely nauseous. “

Dean looked sheepish and partially surprised as he met Castiel’s blue gaze. “I chose you, dumbass, even before this shit happened.”

Castiel couldn’t help it, he just needed confirmation that Dean was there, that this was  _real_ , so he did only thing that occurred to him – he pulled Dean into fierce kiss. And after his initial surprise, Dean replied immediately. The kiss was brutal, too much teeth and an awkward angle, but it was exactly what Castiel needed – it was raw passion. He let Dean dominate the kiss as he let out a low groan, his own hands sliding into Dean’s tousled damp hair as Dean pushed his tongue into Castiel’s mouth. Both of them were left gasping for a breath when Dean finally pulled back.

There were so many questions swimming around Castiel’s head, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask them, didn’t want to ruin this. That was until Dean let out a quiet laughter.

“What is so funny, Dean?” Castiel asked, confused.

“I was kind of worried that you might not want me anymore.” Dean confessed.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Castiel wondered aloud, “It is quite clear that I care a great deal about you.”

Dean just rolled his eyes, “I know that, but I was kind of worried twithout being forced to want me – without your alpha pushing you -  you are not bound to me, it is not punishing you if you want out....so I thought that perhaps you wouldn’t want me like that anymore.”

“I could ask the same from you,” Castiel said, looking at Dean expectedly, “There is no alpha in me currently,  ** _making_**  you want me – so the question is: “ ** _Do you still want me_**?”

Dean’s eyes widened at the unexpected question, just as Castiel started to worry that he had ruined everything again Dean kissed him again, this time more intimately, almost as he tried to memorize the every last detail about Castiel. 

“This is actually huge relief Cas, to  ** _know_**  that you are not forced to be here by our instincts. I  ** _still_**  fucking  ** _want_**  you – this cleared it up pretty well.” Dean said when he ended the kiss, but didn’t let go of Castiel, pulling him closer and looking as close to being happy as Castiel had seen him in the long time.

“What made you change your mind?” Castiel whispered, not wanting to end the moment just yet.

Dean was quiet for a while, thoughts running through his head, “I guess I knew it for a while now. I mean I was attracted to you from the first moment I ever saw you, but you already know how that went.”

Castiel couldn’t help but smile at the reminder; they had been so stupid back then, thinking that their alpha aggression was solution to everything, how they had wanted to get rid of each other. His amusement must have been clear as Dean went on, “So then this shit happened and naturally I didn’t accept it, I’m still not sure how I feel about it...” 

Castiel frowned; this was exactly why he hadn’t wanted to push Dean. He didn’t want Dean to choose him because there was no other choice. They should be free to control their own fate at least somewhat.

Apparently Dean was a mind reader, “This is not news, Cas. This is exactly why we were stuck so long once we realized that we were mates, but at the same time I didn’t want to get close to you since everything was so fucked up.”

Castiel had to agree, yes, this had been root of their problem, so this was indeed something he had already known. 

“Part of me, I guess this was my alpha, later omega part – has always been attracted to you, the undeniable pull towards its mate, and it scared the shit out of me. But it didn’t mean I couldn’t feel it.” 

“Yes, I know that feeling,” Castiel said, remembering only too well how impossible it had been to get Dean out of his mind. 

Dean sighed, “You know what I have told you about my father and how he practically raised me to hate male omegas, so naturally it was even harder for me, on top of all that I was terrified to lose this scholarship, lose my friends – and worst of all my brother Sammy. And STILL I couldn’t get you out of my head, only now you were also my only hope to stay in this school and I felt like I was using you so I could keep on pretending like everything was fine, which it was not.”

“You were not using me, this was about as much your fault as mine, if I only would have listened ...” Castiel started, but Dean shushed him off.

“I felt like I was using you Cas, and you can’t deny I wasn’t exactly. I let you buy me blockers, I let you help with our cover – going as far as letting you use blockers yourself to hide the claim I had made on you – also without asking. It wasn’t intentional, but I did claim you without asking you first – you had no choice.”

“I wouldn’t say...”

“Shut up, Cas.” Dean told him, before going on, “I did exactly that- I let you cover up for me, without giving you anything in return – I was taking and taking and taking; and yes, I know you had your reasons, I know you fucked up too along the way, but if our roles were reversed, I’d be lucky if I had been as kind as you have been to me, and it is not like you could say “NO” I knew that. I realised that later...tell me Cas, would your alpha side have let you deny me  ** _anything_**?”

Not sure where this conversation was going Cas had to pause for a moment. “I don’t think it matters? “He asked. “Even if my alpha would have been able to deny you, I honestly don’t think I would have wanted to. It isn’t like it forced me to do something I wouldn’t have offered to you anyway.”

Dean nodded in understatement as if this had been exactly the answer he had been waiting for. “That is my point Cas. You would have let me use you for my own selfish reasons, even if they were good ones- but you completely forgot to take care of yourself at all. You didn’t even tell me that things were so bad for you that you were suffering.”

Castiel started to protest, “This isn’t true! I just wanted to help you. This is what any decent person would do!”

“No, it is not Cas.” Dean said tenderly, cupping Cas’s cheek with one calloused hand. “You went so much farther than that, you were willing to put distance between yourself and your family – just so I could trick myself into idea that I might get to keep mine. You were always there, never asking for a single damn thing, you just let me use you as my cover.”

Castiel didn’t agree at all, if anything he had used Dean, he had been so desperate to get to be close to Dean that he had find a way to be useful,  just so he could stay close to Dean, even if Dean didn’t want anything to do with him. When he says that much, Dean however disagrees, “Okay fine, like I said, it was mixed up. I used you – lets’ not start arguing right now who used who, that is not the point I’m trying to make.” 

Castiel listens intently as Dean tells him his side of the story, how about despite feeling like he was the one keeping Cas close just so he could pay for blockers, so he could get protection Castiel could provide, how he might fucking need Cas for his damn heats, since apparently it is dangerous for him to have one without alpha, and how Castiel was only one he could count on.

“...and that is not even the worst part, Cas. I  ** _did_**  want you; only I tried so hard to resist it. What kind of person would I be if I continued to let you do all that for me, and then discover that – “Yeah, I want you, but I will never be ready to accept the changes forced on me – so I thank you for your help, but I will go now.”  Dean shakes his head firmly as if he would like to shake the very idea out of his mind.

“ ** _I did want you_**. All this time, but I didn’t dare to do anything, since I knew how badly I could fuck it up if I would try to be in relationship with you – and part of me resented me for that – for wanting to mate you – especially if I would have decided to not mate with you at all. Like you, I did have doubts if it was me or was my omega forcing me into feeling this. So I did nothing, like absolutely fucking nothing, besides wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. And there we were, both pining for each other; me using you and at the same time wanting you more than anything.”

Castiel still couldn’t believe that Dean actually had wanted him in return, this felt so surreal. Each time Dean mentioned how he had actually wanted to try, had wished for something more it made something warm grow beneath Castiel’s ribcage and swarm of butterflies flying in his belly. It made him all giddy and radiant inside, as if there was miniature sun now in the place of his heart – right in the middle of the dark emptiness which had been left behind by his alpha, filling the void with some light. 

“While you were in rut I got thinking...and the only damn thing I was sure about was the fact that I didn’t want to lose you. There wasn’t scenario in my head in which I could leave you behind, whether I would be alpha or omega. Once I realized that you were the only constant I had left, the only person I can share all of this with – the person I wanted to be with...things were put into perspective. My father will never accept me anyway, and once I realized that if I remain omega- which is very likely, then why should I push away one person who makes the thought bearable? Why give up on my only chance of happiness in this mess?”

Now was the time to say something, talk about the idea which occurred to Castiel before.

 “Dean...things might be different now. You do realize that you have alpha inside of you, right? And when Azazel attacked, you were able to fight him of like he was nothing – like you can use all this alpha power inside of you, can’t you? Is it still there –  do you feel like you can use it?” This could change so much! This could give Dean back everything he thought he had lost, or well, this might be closest thing they ever get to having to solution!

“What are you trying to say?” Dean asked, clearly confused.

Castiel couldn’t help, but smile, this was such opportunity; Dean can perhaps even have his father back as well, if he wishes so! – Though Castiel didn’t think much of the man, who would disown his son for such thing as presentation – especially if it was as unnatural as Dean’s had been. 

“Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you,” Castiel beamed, “This might be closest thing to restoring your alpha status we are ever likely to get! As long as my alpha side is inside of you – you are able to have all its powers, strength, you wouldn’t need to feel as submissive...I don’t know how it will be for you... with your other side being there too, but this could be your chance to get back at least some of what was taken from you so awfully!

Unfortunately, Dean didn’t seem to be pleased by the news as his expression was closer to absolutely shocked and terrified.

“You’d think I could do that to you? I fucking hate it Cas, I hate that you had to lose half of yourself so you could save me from a fucker like Azazel! This is exactly what I was talking about before – you would do absolutely  ** _anything_**  for me, regardless what it cost you!” Dean made his point soundly. “ Shit Cas, you can’t just say things like that – there is no way I could do that to you, I’d give you back your alpha in a heartbeat if I could – I just don’t know how! I’d never trade part of you just so I could live my apple pie life. You mean more than that to me...I....”

 Dean shocked, words rushing hard over his lips, as harsh and unforgiving as the truth he was about to tell. “...I would  ** _rather_**   ** _stay an_**   ** _omega_**  – Cas, than steal the very same thing from you that was taken from me - only you got it even  ** _worse_**. And it’s  ** _my_**  fault – not intentionally, but it doesn’t change the fact that your alpha was ripped out of you so it could save me. I still had my inner animal – alpha turned into omega -  ** _but it was still there_** , and while it was absolutely terrifying – it was still me in so many ways.  My omega nature is very similar to the alpha I used to be, the instincts have changed – yes, but it’s still the stubborn and willful inner creature I’ve been my whole life!”

Dean couldn’t meet his eyes and a single tear fell onto his freckled face, “You got it so much worse Cas. I don’t even want to know what you must be feeling right now – to lose that completely – I can’t even  ** _bring_**  myself to  ** _ask_**  how much there is left of you...I mean, you practically lost half of your being over one accident. Completely ripped out of you ...so don’t you dare say to me that this is fine, and I can  ** _keep_**   ** _it_**  just so I could be an alpha again.”

Castiel softened, Dean cared so much, and of course he wouldn’t just accept what Castiel was offering. Castiel wished things could be different, that he could have that back, but there didn’t seem to be any way. “I understand, Dean...but please remember, you said it yourself- we don’t know how to get my alpha back to me. So I want you to know that, if this happens, if we  ** _don’t_**  find the solution...it is  ** _okay_**  to accept it. There is no one else I’d rather have it, and if this saved you from a lifetime of slavery and sexual harassment, I’d give it up willingly to save you, in a heartbeat.” Castiel admitted quietly, meeting Dean’s eyes as he offered the last part of his confession, “At least I know that part of my heart is exactly where it belongs anyway.” 

“We will try to fix this, though, promise me Cas.” Dean demanded, and didn’t deny truth of Castiel’s words. If there was no way to get Castiel’s alpha back to him, then he would at least take good care of it. Dean would treat his alpha as the most precious gift he ever got and accept it – it would be cruel to reject the piece of Castiel’s soul trapped inside his body. If Dean was going to be stuck with it, this would be a part of him; he was going to treat it with respect and love, not self-loathing and guilt – Castiel deserved better than that, and so did this part of him which had made the sacrifice to save Dean – Dean owed it that much.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A moment of silence for my original typos and mistakes- RIP.


	27. Part of me, part of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betad by the amazing Itisasitshouldbe! Thank her for having much better version, than my original little Graveyard of the Grammar.

 

The research was a nightmare, but Dean absolutely refused to give up. Since he didn’t have a job anymore, he had much more free time to use for finding anything he could about bonds, mates and a few cases where someone had lost their animal side completely. It was a slow and tedious task, but Dean would be damned if he would stop trying – he had promised.

It killed him a little, to see how Cas sometimes absentmindedly rubbed his chest area as if it caused him pain, and this only made Dean more determined than ever to find a way out. While Cas seemed to deal with situation pretty well, Dean could see the changes from his previous self, and he loathed it.

The first time Cas cooked for them, and he made the **_normal_** amount of food, was so unexpected that Dean lost his appetite completely. He had gotten so used to the feeling of Cas absolutely overdoing stuff like that; he liked to tease Cas about cooking enough to feed an army, even though now he knew **_why_** Castiel had done that before – his alpha had made him, but now since the alpha was gone so was the odd behavior.

Castiel didn’t seem to have much of an appetite either, barely touching his food as he sat on the other side of the table. They had gotten used to this, whoever woke up first made breakfast, school, and then research. Any time they were not working on it, they discussed plans on how Dean could come out and what they might need to take into account, just in case.

They were preparing for school first, making up solid reasons how Dean could continue playing on the football team, keep his scholarship, and in the worst case of scenario – how they would deal with it if the school decided Dean was not an alpha anymore, and would want to throw him out.

Castiel also had Crowley working on a bunch of legal issues, looking into laws that could help them out, and making the case so both of them could stay at the college. Dean wasn’t much of a fan of Crowley, but he had to admit the smarmy bastard was quite useful and was slowly growing on him. The short man actually had a law degree already, and he was the kind of man you would rather have to tolerate, pay him for his loyalty and hire him, than risk him working for someone else. Besides his results were impeccable, Crowley was a master of manipulation, and finding even the most absurd ancient laws which seemed to belong into Middle Ages, or some time **_before_** that, but were actually **_still_** in use.

So they find out, that they had a right to use any means necessary, such as killing, compulsion, or _whatever_ they could to protect each other (or if they ever would have any – kids). By some extremely old, fucked up, law book it was stated that persons who were classified as “true mates” had every right to use whatever means necessary to protect each other and their offspring. Since they were considered as two parts of the same person, then it was stated that this would be classified as “self-defense”.

This was barbaric, but it could be useful in case they needed to use compulsion again, not that Dean wanted to do that, but it was good to know that there was some real law giving them permission for using whatever means necessary to keep each other safe.

There were even laws stating that all humans were defined by their first presentation if they didn’t pursue special official announcement for their gender to change. This meant that even if Dean was an omega physically, he was still legally classified as an alpha; as long as he wouldn’t wish to officially change it.

They had worked out a pretty solid case in Dean’s case and with Crowley’s help he could soon come out from his terrible closet, and reveal his story if necessary. Football season was starting again soon, and Dean really needed to stay on the team so he could play, his scholarship depended on it. If they try to kick him out of the team, Dean could play the “I’m legally an alpha” card and Crowley would remind the school authorities: “The very unfortunate story of how their football coach had turned out to be a psychopath, and how he had managed to violate their star player’s rights under their nose, and surely this would do **_wonders_** to school’s reputation if this story would be leaked to the media.”

“ If they try to kick you out of the team, take your scholarship or just expel you – we can just remind them that you have every right to play on the alpha team, since legally you are an alpha, if they try to take your scholarship we will remind them that as long as your grades are good and you hold up your end of the deal, they can’t do that, for any other excuses they find, I will just threaten to sue them and expose how they put their students in danger due to a lack of a simple background on their employees.” Crowley told them smugly, and Dean hated to admit it, but this would likely work.

“What happens if they try to go after Cas?” This was his main worry right now, as sort of an alpha and at least with the power of one to be the strongest one in the school, Dean had a right to keep living here, but what if they found out about Cas?

“Novak?” Crowley quirked an eyebrow, “Do you really think the school would wish to risk going against the entire Novak clan? They are the main fundraisers to this college – and several others all over the world, so long as _you_ don’t wish to “throw him out of your room” they should not have problem with him. His status doesn’t have any effect on his business scholarship, so Novak should be golden.” The man smiled smugly, “Besides, as this room was originally created to be fought over strongest alpha to live here, it was taken into account that they may bring their mate here. Seeing as you and Novak are mates – or at least well on your way over there – they don’t have any right to throw him out.”

God, they had been worried over nothing. How had both of them not remembered this small little detail as they had been worried for months what would happen if someone would find out about Dean. As long as Cas would have been “top alpha” Dean had every right to live here as his mate.

The college part was as well as taken care of then, there was nothing they could to that Dean would have to be worried about, and that only left his family and friends to deal with – and of course Cas.

Ever since their talk, which Dean still couldn’t believe he actually took part of, they had gotten closer. There were a few stolen kisses, and they shared a nest almost every night, but neither of them had pushed for more – not yet.

It wasn’t as if Dean didn’t want to. If he had ever doubted that it was only their inner animals making them attracted to each other, it was clear now that it wasn’t the case at all. Dean still fucking wanted Cas, but he was unsure how to broach the topic – was it even good time? They would take it slow and see where it leads them. Dean would be fine whatever Cas was comfortable with.

Sometimes, he was worried that Cas might not want him anymore, now that his alpha side didn’t demand it, but Castiel assured him that he was still drawn to Dean. And Dean believed him, he felt the same way, and it had nothing to do with the alpha and omega currently inside of him.

It was weird to feel them both, at first he thought that it would be too much to bear, or too confusing, but so far the alpha had been content to lie back and didn’t express any of the weird behaviors Cas had had to put up with.

“I don’t get it,” Dean complained one evening when he finished cleaning dishes as Castiel took care of the leftovers. “I can feel your alpha, in so many ways it is similar to how I used to be, dominant, possessive, protective – yet, it almost seems like it’s walking on eggshells – even inside of me.”

Castiel tilted his head in confusion, “What do you mean by that?”

“I dunno, it’s weird, sort of?” Dean shrugged, “When you mentioned how it tried to take control from you, I kind of thought it would be hard for me too– that as alpha it would try to push me down and take more control over my own inner omega.”

“And it hasn’t?” Castiel asked carefully, obviously distressed by the very idea that his alpha might want to control Dean.

“No!” Dean exclaimed, giving Cas a dark glare for even suggesting such thing. Truth was, Dean was curious about the alpha currently wrapped around his inner omega, Dean could feel all of it; so similar to his own lost alpha and completely different at the same time. The only thing Dean didn’t know was if it was normal for Castiel’s alpha to be this way, or had Dean somehow fucked the alpha up on his own. Dean was concerned; some of it was so unalpha-like that he really needed to ask from Cas if everything was okay with it.

Still he hesitated, unsure how to ask about what was really bothering him.

“Cas...” Dean sighed, and turned his eyes away from the intense blue stare he could feel burning at him. “How is your alpha usually?”

Castiel frowned, eyes narrowing in suspicion, “The alpha is inside of you Dean, and you should be able to tell me how it feels?”

Dean flinched, taken aback by the accusing tone in Cas’s voice. Shit, did Cas think that Dean was rubbing it under his nose that he didn’t have alpha anymore? He needed to fix this. He didn’t want Castiel to think that Dean had somehow lost his alpha and forgot to tell him, or if something was truly wrong with it, then Cas deserved to know at least. But how was he supposed to tell Cas that Dean was worried he had **_broken_** Cas’s alpha somehow?

“Fuck, Cas...I know it came out wrong, but I am just trying to get used to feeling them both all the same time, and it’s bit confusing to deal with.” Dean said and watched as Cas’s features softened, and his stiff body relaxed a bit. Now Castiel was staring at him with open curiosity  as he waved at Dean to carry on.

“Um, so...it sort of feels unfamiliar?” Dean laughed, trying to cover up his embarrassment. “In so many ways it reminds me how I used to be, you know? Strong, protective...but there is something about yours, it kind of feels... submissive?”

God, Cas was probably going to hate him, Dean was sure he had somehow broken Castiel’s alpha....alphas weren’t submissive...and to even suggest such a thing could greatly offend them, but he simply had no other way to describe the feeling he got from it. The alpha that he could feel inside of him seemed vulnerable, confused and so very lost- and it fucking submitted to Dean’s omega all the freaking time – well, not that there had been much time for that, but it didn’t once try to asset its dominance over his inner omega side.

Castiel quirked an eyebrow, clearly not expecting that, and Dean felt his panic building, shit he **_had broken_** the alpha somehow. “You are saying that my alpha side is submissive? Are you sure you are not confusing it with your inner omega?” Castiel asked confusedly.

Dean wished it would be the case, but no – he did feel the difference between those two pretty well. “No, it’s the alpha Cas. That is why I felt concerned...alphas aren’t supposed to feel like...well, that.” Dean would know, he had been one after all – and surely Cas would be able to tell too.

“So I thought that I should ask, what was your alpha like before? I’d like to get to know it better to see if it’s normal for your alpha to be this way. Kind of like getting to know another person, just to make sure I didn’t fuck it up somehow,” Dean explained.

“I honestly don’t know what to say Dean. My alpha has always been just part of who I am. I never gave it much thought how much of it was my alpha or me – it was kind of the same thing.” Castiel said, “ I also have no idea what you mean about my alpha being ‘submissive’ as I can assure you that this is not something I would associate with it. Can you give me some examples?  Do you feel the need to submit to others now? Is your inner omega overriding the alpha side – which might just mean that since it is in your body, your control and connection with your own omega side are just stronger than the connection with my alpha?

Dean hadn’t thought about that. Those were actually really good questions, but something inside of him was telling him, this wasn’t the whole truth. He could feel the alpha as well as his omega – so the connection was there. But submission – no, as Cas had pointed out Dean hadn’t considered that he didn’t feel submissive at all. Well...the alpha did seem to submit to his omega- but not to anyone else. If some random alpha would come and pick a fight with him now...even the thought made the alpha in him rise with anger and protectiveness. Dean knew it would fight with all it had – so it wasn’t submissive then, not exactly.

When he told Cas as much, Dean was too relieved by smug look on Castiel’s face to feel annoyed. It basically was screaming _“I told you so”_ , but Dean was freakin’ glad for it. This was a good sign, right? – a mark that Dean hadn’t messed up too badly. He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, and smiled.

 “Yeah, you’re right. Perhaps submissive is not right word for it.” Dean chuckled and rubbed his hand over his mouth.

“I certainly would hope so, otherwise it couldn’t be much help to you,” Castiel admitted and relaxed back into the kitchen chair, absentmindedly playing with fruit bowl on the table. He was long done with putting their food away which left him with nothing better to do. So he had resumed eating those healthy organic foods which Dean pretended to hate- they were not bad though, as long as Sammy had no idea that Dean did eat them on occasion. Still they hold nothing over pie.

“I am curious though,” Castiel said as he took huge bite of the juicy apple and chewed with his mouth open, “Why did you ask? How does it feel for you? What made you say that you feel as if the alpha is the submissive one?” There was now a piece of apple on his chin, and Dean wished he could lean forward and brush it off, but held himself back. Now was not the time to get distracted by Castiel’s wet lips, or how wonderful they looked covered with the sticky juice.

Forcibly cutting off that train of thought, Dean pondered over the question. Like Cas had said he hadn’t given it much thought either. It simply _was_. He focused on the area where he could feel the centre of the part of him where alpha and the omega were laying in his chest. The alpha was wrapped protectively around his omega side, but it wasn’t forceful imprisonment, the alpha wasn’t keeping his omega under his control. If anything it felt like alpha was mentally spooning his inner omega, hoping to keep it safe and protected, while not dominating over it. Dean would almost say it felt like alpha was the protective shell, curled around the omega as if it was something precious – like a pearl inside the seashell.

It wasn’t dominating though, the touch was tender and tentative, and to Dean it felt like the alpha was in constant amazement that it was _allowed_ to be close to the omega this way, like it couldn’t believe it wasn’t running away from it.

The omega was contentedly snuggled inside, marveling at the protectiveness and closeness the alpha provided, but it would be so easy to push it away if Dean would only wished to do so. It made him all happy and fuzzy inside, feeling loved and protected. The way those two fit together gave Dean something he had never been able to have, filling the emptiness inside of him that he hadn’t even been aware of having.

The alpha and omega fit perfectly, like they were two sides of the same coin, completely wrapped up in each other. Dean almost felt like an outsider witnessing a very intimate scene between two lovers, but this would have been ridiculous. This feeling went far beyond any public display Dean had ever witnessed. They weren’t just as match made in heaven itself, tying two persons irrevocably together in a perfect way; it felt like heaven was a place where those two were joined instead.

It was like a sharp pang in his heart to witness something like that – become part of it, and then know Cas would never get to feel it. Dean wasn’t a romantic (well, no one had to know if deep down he was actually huge softy with a soft spot for the chick-flick moments he claimed to hate, and how he secretly loved to watch soap operas), but this felt like witnessing the embodiment of the centre of the universe, were all souls merged into the one perfect and loving consciousness. He was honored to witness something so huge, so deep, and so overwhelming that he let out a loud yelp as he felt something wet sticking to his eyelashes. He totally didn’t cry; he only moisturized his eyes....

“Dean?” Cas asked with so much softness in his eyes that Dean felt something climbing up his own throat, making it hard to speak. Finally he managed to collect himself enough to rasp out, “It is perfection Cas....it feels like being at home.” It was so much more than that, but Dean was shit with words.

The radiant smile Castiel gave him would have been enough to cause global warming itself, it was only slightly tainted with hint of saddens behind his eyes.

Suddenly Dean was furious. It wasn’t fair that he got to be part of something so awesome and mind-blowing, and he could only describe this feeling to Cas, words paling in comparison to what it really was. Dean would never be able to make Cas understand this perfection. It would be easier to explain colors to the blind man who had never seen them, or sings songs to deaf ears. This is what love is, Dean thought bitterly, suddenly remembering some old quote he had picked up somewhere, “ _Love is like blind music, who performs the most beautiful symphonies to the ears of the deaf_.”

Shit. Not the L- word...Dean didn’t use that, this wasn’t him. He'd only said it once to his mother, and it was something he was terrified to say out loud ever again. The last person he had told it to had been lost too soon afterwards. What if Dean loving someone cursed them and took them away from him? Shit, did he have to say it out loud to lose them, or was thinking it enough?

The thought was terrifying. Dean had absolutely no idea how to describe love, but he was certain this is what it felt like. There was no other explanation for the draw he felt towards Cas, the way he wanted to keep Cas close, see him smile...Dean couldn’t lose him. Not like mom –  never like mom. Dean might have piece of Cas all to himself right now, but this wasn’t nearly enough. He was selfish, and would not be satisfied unless Castiel was permanently tied to his side so nothing could take him away.

Everything Dean loved – all good things always got taken away eventually. His life was the  only proof he needed to be certain of that. He had lost his mom and his dad on the same day – even though his father was technically still alive. Then his alpha status had been taken away from him, and everything else he loved about his life had been almost ripped out of his hands so many times now. It was so easy to lose everything in the blink of an eye, and it scared the shit out of him.

The images of Castiel almost dying, the horrifying pictures of Cas slowly losing himself to his alpha (which he no longer had)...the way how Dean could lose him now that Cas didn’t have to choose Dean anymore...it was too much. He needed to be sure that Cas would stay with him no matter what.

In this moment Dean knew he had made his choice. Alpha, beta or omega – or like Cas currently was – none of them. HE would always choose Cas. He needed Cas. Dean needed him more than he had ever needed anything else in his life.

He had learned to live without his mother, no matter how much he missed her. Dean was good at taking care of things his dad had pushed upon his shoulders, but Dean could live without that. Dean also needed Sammy, but in a different way. Sammy would be fine without Dean, the kid could be fine on his own – Sammy was important part of his life, but Sammy was not the person he was going to spend rest of his life with – not like this anyway. With Cas though...Dean had no idea what he would do without Cas. Thanks to his moment of weakness Dean asked, “Cas, what are we? What are we now to each other?”

The blood was running in his veins so rapidly, that Dean could hear it as river inside of his head, drowning out all the other voices as his attention was only on Cas, everything else was flushed away in the red stream, veiling the rest of the world away from him.

It had been moment of complete insanity on his part, Dean would normally never have asked something like that, and now he was on the verge of hyperventilating since apparently Dean had been dumbass, and now he was forcing himself on Cas ...and Cas might reject him too...

Dean didn’t remember how he had ended up on floor, shivering and somehow his arms had ended up wrapped around himself as if to shield himself from Castiel’s answer. The gentle touch on his shoulder was enough to make him jump, desperate to keep some distance between himself and inevitable.

Dean couldn’t bare the sight of those flaming blue eyes, burning into him with too much intensity. It was fierce force, and Dean was completely helpless under the gaze as strong hands lifted him up and pushed him against the wall.

Before he could comprehend what was happening, his lips were attacked with brutal force, Cas’s tongue invading his mouth thoroughly, making Dean gasp for breath. They alternated between kissing and breathing, and Dean didn’t know which he needed more - the air between the kisses or the wet slide of Castiel’s mouth against his own. Time turned meaningless, leaving behind only the sense of Cas, the way his hands found their way to his hair and under his clothes, how perfect it felt to be pressed against Castiel’s body. How good it was to just have this with Cas.

When kiss finally ended one eternity later, Dean had never been more sure in anything in his life when he announced, “Cas, I want you to claim me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, the next chapter will take more time this time to come around. It is not entirely written yet - and I somehow managed to get pretty nasty pneumonia - so I've barely been able to do much besides sleeping and being ill - who would have thought laying in bed is so tiring? I also have temporary job taking place from now til mid february - where I' likely have to work like 12 hours on most days - so....I will do my best to get the next ch out as soon as possible, but it definitely takes bit longer this time.  
> As always - this story will NEVER be abandoned - I've come too far for this.
> 
> Thank you for understanding.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


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